AIBU to not invite neighbour's dc to...

[UnhappyFeet]

...my 10 yo dc's party? The party is at home/ in the garden. They play out together practically everyday as my dc is very versatile and can play with boys or girls, older or younger. The child in question is 2 school years younger and the opposite sex. Although my dc is having boys and girls to the party, they are all 2 school years above my neighbour's child. My dc wants to have this party with peer group alone and not invite the younger child or their even younger sibling, who would likely tag along. However, there is another neighbour who is older than my dc who i feel we must invite as they will be able to see the party in progress from their house and as they are older, they will not really need any supervision.

AIBU to exclude the younger neighbour? The mum and I are friends and I really don't want to cause upset, but equally, I feel that my dc shouldn't be forced to have 2 much younger dc present. What should I say to them? It is highly likely that the dc will call for my dc during the party. So as not to drip feed, we did invite them previously but in a low key 'pop by if you're free' kind of way...and it slightly backfired.

I can imagine the conversation if your neighbours children were mine:

DC: X is having a party Mummy, I've just seen people arriving with presents! Can I go?
Me: No, sorry, X's parents didn't invite you.
DC: Why not? I thought he was my friend?
Me: Well it looks like they may be thoughtless and devoid of basic manners honey. Don't worry, it's their problem - no reflection on you; you're wonderfully tolerant, thoughtful, and kind, and you would never exclude and hurt anybody if you could avoid it. I'm just sorry X's parents haven't reached your level of emotional maturity yet.
DC: But they're bigger than 5 aren't they mummy ?
Me:

What will they be doing at the party that necessitates it being age specific?

Personally I wouldn't invite either and keep it at school only.

Why not invite just school friends, and pop round to both neighbours and say "it is ds' birthday on whatever day. We are having a school friends only party at the weekend, but wondered if your child would like to pop over to tea on Friday, after school?"

Ah- - x-post with Hoof :)

Oak maiden that's a nice idea.
Random, are you for real?

Your DC aren't in charge you are. The younger kids won't affect them any, it'll affect you and the amount of supervision you're doing. You can't invite one neighbor kid and not the other. If its a class thing then it isn't personal. But if you make it a neighbor thing, it is personal to the younger kids.

Yep.

You are not mean to exclude UnhappyFeet.

I have four children who live next door. Parties often happen on both sides that neighbours are not invited to. It is normal.

Family parties for example, we hear those happening next door and next door hear them happening at ours - but no one minds. We just say to the children that it is a party for family/cousins.

Same with class mates / school friends parties. It is entirely fine to hear a party happening next door. Perhaps even the children will stick their heads over the fence and have a quick chat and say happy birthday. But everyone is fine with that being it. "It's a party for neighbours class mates at school" is more than enough of an explanation.

Minnie, I don't want to say due to outing myself!

Easy solution. Have a party for peers and older child. Invite younger child to a special separate birthday sleep over (or other activity) as he wanted to do something extra special with younger neighbour.

I wouldn't exclude them and I'd have a bottle of plonk on the go and ask the Mum to stay so she can help supervise.

On the ages thing, I don't think you're mean to exclude.

DS1 had a football party for his 6th birthday. I have lots of friends whose children they play with, aged from 3-10. Ds2 is 4 and was obviously invited, but it really wasn't that suitable for under 6's. Ds2 got bored about half way and wandered off (which I suspected would happen...and I didn't want that happening with a load of kids who may then distract the others)

So I did cherry pick who was invited...anyone 6 and up was invited, 5 and under wasn't. I did contact all the friends with under 5's who would usually get a party invite though, and just explained the party was specialised, not the usual bouncy castle/soft play thing, and not suitable for younger kids. I even invited only one of a friends 3 children, who is 7, and not her 3 year old twins, and called to explain they were a bit young.

Maybe a load of people are currently bitching behind my back and i'm a bit deluded, but I really don't think there was any bad feeling over it. If a friend called and said her 8 year old was having a...I don't know...laser party, and ds1 could go but ds2 couldn't, I wouldn't be offended at all.

Just do the same in reverse. Tell the neighbour the party is really only suitable for older kids as they're doing (insert activity here) and you hope she doesn't mind they're not invited, but it would be lovely to have them over on X day for tea and cake.

I would find it less stressful to invite neither tbh. But in passing mention to both sets of parents that X is having a do on Saturday but has asked this time that it's school friends only (cue eye rolling and 'you know what they're like at 10') but there will be a cake and play date arranged for other friends at some point.
I might also say that seeing as you are proper 'family friends' it will be a good opportunity for a catch up. Flattery may get you anywhere.

Unhappy I have a slightly different but similar situation that I hope might be helpful.
We have moved to a different country but stayed in contact with friends who live close to our old house. Friends have two db. I also have 2 db. Older boys were in same class in infants school.
We are staying with the over the summer. It happes to be the the same dates as eldest party. Party is not suitable for younger dc ( it involves open water and boats). So friends explained this to me. I'm fine with it. I wasn't offended, that's life. My younger dc was a bit upset but when I explained the exciting plans I have for him (seeing a friend of his) he was quite happy.
So I guess you have two options. Option 1 explain this to parents of young neighbour dc. Option say dc can come but must be supervised by parents. You hope this doesn't cause inconvenience but it's in the best interests of their child.
You can't control how they react but at least this way you have done a bit of damage control.

Thanks for more recent posts. Will read in detail and reply later. Gotta run x

I can't be the only one who is v curious to know what party you're having that's so unusual it would out you I'm imagining all sorts!

Re party: my DM always made me invite my horrible younger cousin and it sucked. BUT as a grown-up I understand why she did. Why don't you just pop to see the mum of the younger kids, explain that the party won't be age-appropriate for them but invite them to come for tea one night instead? And have a cupcake or something. Would that be a good compromise? Then you can invite the other neighbour child guilt-free.

I wouldn't invite either of the neighbours. Just because children can see a party doesn't mean they should be invited.

I think you have to invite all the neighbours or none of the neighbours.

I know that isn't what you want to hear.

Can't you have a separate party for both sets of neighbours DC on another day, more low key?

I would be dreadfully upset if I were the younger neighbours mum and saw that you had invited the other neighbours DC and not mine. You have already said that they are bound to drop by when party is happening so they will be aware.

OP I was going to suggest exactly what Oakmaiden did.

Anyone who cannot see a 10yo boy potentially feeling embarrassed at a 6yo neighbour-friend clearly doesn't remember school! He may want to discuss age-appropriate subjects, run around and rough-house, in a way a 6yo couldn't participate in. Let him have his friends-party and do a bday tea the day before or after or something.

Random I can't believe you would make a situation so much worse and more hurtful for your DC. Do you invite your neighbours every time you have a dinner party??

OP I'm not being mean but I think you're over thinking everything a bit. ( I do too.)

DC can play with school friends after initial hi/thanks, younger kids will have each other, everyone has a nice day.

My daughter met her close, lifelong friend when she was 3 days old. They went to ballet, brownies, guides and multiple other activities together, playing out at every opportunity. They have lived across the street from each other all their lives. Each was able to see the other's comings and goings. But they were not invited to each other's birthday parties once they started school. There was never any hard feeling and certainly none of the quite strange rationale suggested by random. They went to different schools and having an 'outsider' at the party would have upset the dynamics. Everyone understood and we had plenty of separate birthday teas over the years.

ds1 has two good friends on the street, but at school one is the year above and one the year below. My ds has never been invited to their parties and it's not a big deal! I've just talked to ds about parties and people can invite who they want and you don't know their school friends particularly (and one of the actively dislikes ds anyway) and besides you get to play with them as many after schools and weekends as you like and they only see school friends at school!

I meant if you invite neighbours kids of course.

Surely, surely 10 yos choose who to invite to their own parties, and if its drop off friends' siblings don't tag along, at all, ever.

Tea party for neighbors seperately, ideally close in time (low key but cake and if you do party bags for main party make neighbor kids up one each too).

My DD has a very good male friend who she invited to every party from age 2 to 7, but for her 8th wanted an all girls party with a theme she didn't think he'd like, so she explained that to him and invited him gor birthday cake the next day - friendship unscathed, nobody upset...

"Do you invite your neighbours every time you have a dinner party??"

A dinner party is constricted by seating availability, so isn't a good equivalent. And excluding a mere neighbour wasn't an issue: the op describes her child excluding a friend he plays with almost every day, so 'neighbour' isn't a good equivalent either.

If I have a birthday party, I invite those family and friends I maintain regular relationships with, regardless of each individuals 'fit' with the rest of the guests. The only discriminatory factor is whether we are friends. I don't leave friends out because they might cramp my style/ are different from other guests/aren't 'good' enough.

I also wouldn't organise something that I knew would exclude individuals through no fault of their own. For instance: I wouldn't organise a party at a pub on the top of a steep hill with no disabled access, then tell my wheelchair bound dad that he can't come because there isn't disabled access. I'd choose somewhere else. Why are people restricting children's birthday activities to such a degree that they can't include all ages?

It's never too early to teach a child to be tolerant and respectful of others.

And as for "I can't believe you would make a situation so much worse and more hurtful for your DC"

In what way revolting?