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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite neighbour's dc to...

80 replies

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:31

...my 10 yo dc's party? The party is at home/ in the garden. They play out together practically everyday as my dc is very versatile and can play with boys or girls, older or younger. The child in question is 2 school years younger and the opposite sex. Although my dc is having boys and girls to the party, they are all 2 school years above my neighbour's child. My dc wants to have this party with peer group alone and not invite the younger child or their even younger sibling, who would likely tag along. However, there is another neighbour who is older than my dc who i feel we must invite as they will be able to see the party in progress from their house and as they are older, they will not really need any supervision.

AIBU to exclude the younger neighbour? The mum and I are friends and I really don't want to cause upset, but equally, I feel that my dc shouldn't be forced to have 2 much younger dc present. What should I say to them? It is highly likely that the dc will call for my dc during the party. So as not to drip feed, we did invite them previously but in a low key 'pop by if you're free' kind of way...and it slightly backfired.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 20/06/2014 18:40

I also wouldn't organise something that I knew would exclude individuals through no fault of their own

I do disagree with that. Unless you're having a straightforward Tea & Games type of party, you have one that appeals to the birthday child. So - football, swimming, bowling, whatever. It may well then be that some of their friends will be 'excluded' because they don't enjoy/can't do that particular activity.

Them's the breaks.

NoodleOodle · 20/06/2014 18:49

Just invite the people your DS wants to invite, whether they can see the party or not. Then, if need be, have some cake with the neighbourhood children on another day.

HayDayQueen · 20/06/2014 18:54

I also wouldn't organise something that I knew would exclude individuals through no fault of their own.

How ridiculous. So I couldn't organise a tree climbing party for DS because he has some younger friends who aren't old enough to join in? Or I make him go in the younger/easier section because a neighbour's child is 3 years younger?! Couldn't do theme parks because other children aren't tall enough for rides.... etc, etc.

If it was someone important, like his sibling - or like for you, your dad, I agree.

But not for everyone you happen to know!

PortofinoRevisited · 20/06/2014 19:00

When I have had parties at home, the neighbours kids are invited. If somewhere outside, sometime yes and sometimes not, depending on numbers allowed etc. I would never invite one side and not the other, whether the party is visible or not. DD has had drop off only parties since she was 4. I have survived.

RockinHippy · 20/06/2014 19:10

It sounds tricky, but it'd your DSs party & if the DCs caused problems last year then, no, you don't have to invite them.

However you DO need to be honest with their DM, just explain it's an age thing & DS has requested just to have kids his age or older at his party & you know what preteens are like etc etc

I would also arrange a separate 2nd small birthday tea party & invite them to that instead - maybe okay it to the uninvited DCs that this is the special party for close friends & family only Wink

RockinHippy · 20/06/2014 19:11

Okay it should have read as play it

Original poster
UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 19:51

Thanks all. Rockin, I'm pleased that you've acknowledged that last year's awkwardness is relevant.

It's really interesting cos I didn't say I had a ds. Most people have assumed this, though. It's actually a dd who doesn't want to invite a year 3 boy along with her year 5 friends. Is there anyone who thinks the gender issue makes a difference? My dd is quite tomboyish and happy to find common ground with my neighbour's son. But when she is with her class mates she said she finds it awkward to have him there. RANDOM do you still think this makes us ill mannered or whatever?? ( don't recall the soecifics of your insult).

Portofino, the thing is that the activity is mildly hazardous if rules are not adhered to by children not old enough to fully appreciate this. I do not want parents to stay at the party- Just dc that can cope with the boundaries set.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 20/06/2014 19:58

TBH I think as girls tend to grow up quicker, then I think gender is very relevant, but only in the way that yr3 boy is likely to enjoy winding them up for attention & get on their nerves - not all boys of course, but I've heard my DD & her friends complain of this from yr4 onwards - & mines quite a tomboy too

Inertia · 20/06/2014 19:59

As there's already a history with these particular neighbours, I think the most diplomatic way forward is to explain to both sets of neighbours that your dd is having a party just for school friends, and invite them all to another birthday tea (barbecue maybe?) another day.

RockinHippy · 20/06/2014 20:00

Is the older neighbour a girl too ?? - if so, I think that makes the conversation with the boys mum easier still

Original poster
UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 20:25

Thanks your posts. The other neighbour is a boy but is 11 and there is a sister as well (12) who would be company for my elder dd.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 20/06/2014 20:34

I'm sure if the boys DM is a friend, she will understand - I mean, I'm sure her DS wouldn't want yr 1 girls invited along to a birthday party with his class mates would he, just tell her straight & don't feel bad about it, just out it down as an age thing & play on the age appropriate activity that's not suitable for a younger boy if you have to

Hope your DD enjoys her party

Original poster
UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 20:39

Thanks robin... But what about those who say he's good enough to play out with but not good enough for the party? My dd really likes him but I think she might be a wee bit embarrassed to admit to her friends that she is such good friends with an 8 yo boy. Now my dd is kind caring, sticks up for people all the time. She rarely cares what anyone thinks, but on this one thing, she feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 20:40

The other reasons are totally true, btw, for me as organiser. but from my child's perspective, this is the crux.

OP posts:
APlaceInTheSummer · 20/06/2014 20:41

It sounds as though you know what you want to do and that you are inviting the other neighbours not because of proximity but because you want to. That's fine. It's your party.

However, the neighbours who aren't invited will probably find out about it and I guess their reaction will depend on whether they invite your dc to parties, whether they consider the dc's to be good friends and how upset their dc is that they aren't invited.

This week I'm having to explain to an upset 5-yr-old why they haven't been invited to a party so that may be affecting my opinion but I wouldn't not invite a dc that my dc played with every day. It seems mean to me and our rule has always been invite all or none.

And, if I was worried that I couldn't adequately supervise an additional younger dc then I'd draft in more adults to help.

RockinHippy · 20/06/2014 20:42

It's her birthday party, let her have it her way, it's a small gathering of her older friends, not a big venue anything goes party, it's really not unkind, you can't possibly invite everyone , just be honest with his DM

FlyingFig · 20/06/2014 20:43

I'd probably keep the two sets of friends separate to avoid any upset (but I'm a right wuss) and have the main party for school friends only, then maybe a tea party/play in the garden with the neighbours' children.

And I'd then cry and moan to DP about all the extra hard work I'd given myself!

APlaceInTheSummer · 20/06/2014 20:45

I didn't mean that last comment to sound sarky. It's just ime having extra adults on hand is always useful because if you're dealing with someone being upset or sick or any of the million things that can happen, then you need others to hand over to.

Swoosg · 20/06/2014 20:45

Ignore everyone! Do what your dd wants and deal with any fall-out afterwards. Parties are so complicated.

Original poster
UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 20:48

A place, it is due to proximity. I promise! If they lived in the next street they wouldn't be coming. Also, do you have any older dc? I am wondering if the age of peoples dc is affecting their response. I have done the tiny children lots so adult supervision type party. Plenty of them! I think my dc and I are entitled to move on from that. As I said early, there is a hazard issue if rules not fully grasped, with the planned activity.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 20:49

'Lots of'

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 20/06/2014 20:58

Their age is a good enough reason to not invite them, if the party all wanted to watch an older PG video or one of those 12 or with parents' okay, you'd have to not invite, so just imagine your party has an official age limit and relieve yourself of any guilt that way.

RockinHippy · 20/06/2014 21:04

What noodle said - using a film certificate age restriction is a good extra get out too

I have older DC too & parties definitely cater more to the age as they get older - we used to invite all our friends kids whatever their ages - but it just doesn't work when they hit preteens - some of our friends kids are older & DD stopped getting invites when they hit this sort of age too - as did our younger friends when DD - no one thought anything of it at all - it is just the norm

APlaceInTheSummer · 20/06/2014 21:20

Unhappy I don't have older dc but have a massive family (it's why we only have one dc! Grin ) so have been that extra adult at mixed-age parties on more than one occasion.

My post crossed with your earlier one. It puts a slightly different perspective on it that your dd doesn't want to invite him.

I still feel sad for him possibly because I am projecting!

PogoBob · 20/06/2014 21:21

YANBU at 10 I think that a child should be allowed to have a say about who comes to their party. There is a clear reason for inviting the older neighbour (I think not to do so would be unnecessarily mean) but equally a clear reason not to invite the younger neighbours.

For everyone who says it would teach kindness, there is also IMHO a need to teach children that they can actually stand up for what they want at times rather than having to always keep everyone else happy all the time.