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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go apeshit (to my husband) when MiL informs me that SiL will be joining us for our 2 week summer holiday?

83 replies

helterskelter77 · 20/06/2014 00:35

Going on holiday to stay with FiL in Ireland next month. Now informed won't be alone - earlier was asked exact dates by MiL without any hint that they were arranging 'hijack' of hols. Pissed off as feel it was by stealth with no respect for my wishes at all. We work full time, never have holidays, exhausted, all the rest of it. Husband thinks it's 'naive' behaviour - I think it's just plain rude. AIBU?

OP posts:
stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 13:32

I would certainly NOT want....

DeWee · 20/06/2014 13:49

Depends on how it's done.
If fil wanted to have you at the same time, and invited SIL, then it would have been nice if he'd let you know first, but it's his call.
If MIL asked for dates becasue SIL said she was going and had a feeling it might be the same time, and is letting you know that happened-possibly entirely coincidence, that's fine.
If MIL asked for dates then told SIL that she must go those dates, or SIL asked her to find out so she could go so she could be at the same time then they should have checked with you that you were okay with this.

I do get where you're coming from. When my dc were little my db made sure he was staying with my dp whenever we were. Sounds fine-but he lives just up the road and sees them frequently, he goes up one day most weekends. I saw they at most 2x a year and usually not that much. So to have him arriving at almost the same time and staying the whole time was irritating.
He also did not want to do children things, has self-diagnosed medical issues that mean he dictates things like what/when we eat etc. Dm thought it was lovely he was so keen to see us. I suspect he wanted to make sure dm didn't spend too much time with dgc, as if ever she was doing something with them, he'd arrive and have something she needed to deal with immediately.
Eventually I lost my temper, which is very, very unusual for me. This was after the trip out we were planning disappeared into him refusing to move his car so we could go because of some reason why he couldn't get up at tha moment, and dm just replanned the trip into something for him.
She then realised (though not immediately) that actually it wasn't best that he stayed the entire time we were. He now comes up for a day or two and that's fine. I can cope with 2 days revolving round him.

If I was the OP, I'd mention to FIL that's something has come up, would it be okay if we moved the trip by a week, and see his reaction. If his face falls and he says "but SIL is coming at that time" then backpedal and put up. If he says "no problem" then I'd try to move it by a week, but not tell SIL/MIL. That way you have a week of SIL, but a week on your own.

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 13:58

DeWee you are so wise.

Also, can I just make it clear that I don't think Helter is remotely unreasonable to be fed up about it, just that she would be unreasonable to kick off or go apeshit about it

starfishmummy · 20/06/2014 14:03

My Mil often announces that she and fil will be joining us for part of our holiday....

Consider yourself lucky.

whatever5 · 20/06/2014 15:07

I hear what you're saying Whatever but I still say that OP does not get to call the shots if she is getting a freebie. It all sounds to me like FiL would rather get it all out of the way at once I know I would

I didn't get the impression that this was the FIL idea. Anyway, if it was his idea because "he needed to get out of the way at once", I wouldn't bother going to see him at all if I was OP or her SIL. It's not a very nice attitude.

ApocalypseThen · 20/06/2014 15:13

Not wanting to spend six weeks solid with different sets of house guests coming and going shouldn't really be that terrible a crime.

whatever5 · 20/06/2014 15:18

Not wanting to spend six weeks solid with different sets of house guests coming and going shouldn't really be that terrible a crime.

I thought OP was visiting for two weeks, not six weeks.

ApocalypseThen · 20/06/2014 15:21

Yeah, the point is, maybe he wants all holidays in his home done within a timeframe rather than straggling out for a month or two. I don't think that's an unreasonable with, certainly nothing to mount high "oh if that's how you're going to be we're not coming so there!" horses about.

whatever5 · 20/06/2014 16:48

I don't think that's an unreasonable with, certainly nothing to mount high "oh if that's how you're going to be we're not coming so there!" horses about.

I wouldn't say that (or anything negative to their face) but at the same time if my parents insisted that I and my brothers had to visit at the same time so they could get our visits over and done with, I probably wouldn't bother going.

CouldntGiveAMonkeysToss · 20/06/2014 17:36

YABU. FIL can have whoever he wants to stay. It's not a hotel, it's his home.

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 19:14

I wouldn't say that (or anything negative to their face) but at the same time if my parents insisted that I and my brothers had to visit at the same time so they could get our visits over and done with, I probably wouldn't bother going

But but but but but....these boards are chokka with young parents complaining that they never have time to themselves because they have to host so many family visits that seem to go on forever; they get a lot of sympathy and rightly so, and are encouraged to take the view 'my house my rules, my time frame....so why can't the parents take a similar stance? I don't think it's remotely unreasonable for FiL (or anyone else) to take this point of view (and we don't even know that he is) without running the risk of people 'not bothering' because THEY want to be the centre of attention.

whatever5 · 20/06/2014 19:48

stephenmanaganiseverywhere- It has nothing to do with wanting to be the "centre of attention". What a ridiculous statement. I would not bother to visit partly because I would feel unwelcome if my parents (or anyone) apparently wanted to get my visit over and done with but also because I just wouldn't enjoy the visit if loads of other people were there. Is that okay?

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 19:56

What would I know. I'm just ridiculous obviously, which is possibly why I can't get my head round the double standards and why it appears to me that not enjoying the visit if other people are there equates to not liking to share attention. But as you say, I'm ridiculous.

And not wanting to have visits spread out over a longish period of time similarly doesn't appear to me to equate to wanting to get a visit over and done with, but what would I know. I guess that's just another of my ridiculous statements.

HappyAgainOneDay · 20/06/2014 20:07

What accommodation is available at your FiL's house? Will you have to share one room with the children ie shove you all together to make room for the SiL?

diddl · 20/06/2014 20:12

I remember posting that I was pissed off that when I had organised a visit to my sister (not staying with her),she had invited my dad over for the same dates.
Was told in no uncertain terms that my sister could invite who she wanted when she wanted.

Presumably the same applies here.

Fil can have who he wants there.

PrueDent · 20/06/2014 20:29

OP

Is SiL single? Will it be just her or will she have a dp and/or dc in tow?

Will her being there mean you will have to share a room with your dc?

Will her being there mean someone will have to sleep on the sofa, or in a room that would otherwise be used for 'living' in, thus reducing the space available to you during your stay?

Does SiL have an easy relationship with her dad or is it easier for her if time spent with him is diluted by having other people around?

Could her being there mean you get some time away from the in-laws during your stay? It's difficult to say to your host "actually we were thinking of having a day out with just us and not you, as we need some down time" but easier to say "What's that? You were thinking of visiting the Postage Stamp Museum? Sounds fabulous, but the dc would be bored. Why don't you two go together and we'll take the dc to the park; you'd enjoy the museum more without the dc moaning and the park will tire them out nicely so they can have an early tea then bed, and then we can all order something from that new takeaway you mentioned."

Viviennemary · 20/06/2014 20:32

YANBU to be annoyed. But there isn't much you can do about it as it isn't your house. But I'd be furious too.

PhaedraIsMyName · 20/06/2014 20:38

YABU. It's his house up to him who he invites and when.

whatever5 · 20/06/2014 20:55

stephenmanaganiseverywhere I'm not one of the people who complains about family visiting or says "my house my rules" so why do you keep saying I have double standards?

As I have said I wouldn't enjoy a visit if loads of other people were there because I just don't enjoy being in a crowded house full of people. It has nothing to do with wanting to be the centre of attention. Would you assume that someone who didn't enjoy crowded parties wanted to be the centre of attention as well?

If my parents insisted that I and my brothers had to visit at the same time so they could get our visits over and done with it would suggest to me that they wanted my visit to be over and done with.

PogoBob · 20/06/2014 20:57

If it's just a case that she is going to be at FiL's house at the same time YABU but it's understandable that you're annoyed with the way MiL told you.

If it's the case you're expect to travel with her etc. then you are YANBU and it's presumptuous of your MiL to drop this on you.

missymayhemsmum · 20/06/2014 21:19

You aren't going on a family holiday, you are going to stay with family and have a holiday. It's different, and it sounds like you wish you could just have a straightforward family hol. You're not being unreasonable to be a little pissed off that your MiL has changed the plan, tho.

Your FiL is not BU to want everyone to visit together (if his son and daughter get on or he would like them to?) either.
So plan your fortnight so you get to do some things as you, dp, kids (leaving SIL to spend time with her pa) some time all together extended family, and take advantage of having auntie on tap and go off for some time just you and dp as a couple. Or maybe leave them for some brother and sister bonding and have a day to yourself?
Have a great holiday

PrincessBabyCat · 20/06/2014 21:23

I just don't understand what the big deal is then if you get along with SIL? Maybe it's because I come from a big family and never have "alone time" with any relatives, but I don't see why if you're visiting family that you can't visit other family who are in the area as well. It's not like it's really a family vacation if you're visiting extended family in the first place. If you wanted a holiday with just the immediate family you should have gotten a hotel.

DB always drops by the parents house the same time we do so we can all get together as a family and hang. We've never had an issue with it.

You don't have to hang with SIL, if she's there for a couple weeks, it's easy enough to say you want a family day and do something alone without her.

StephenManganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 21:55

stephenmanaganiseverywhere I'm not one of the people who complains about family visiting or says "my house my rules" so why do you keep saying I have double standards?

I have never once said you had double standards. I said there were double standards at playhere; I was not speaking about you...I wasn't even thinking that it applied to you.

But you're right, different strokes for different folks. I don't like large gatherings much either as it goes, but I absolutely maintain that the fact that family may prefer to have the...let's face it...considerable inconvenience of house guests for a shorter rather than longer period of time, and to do it in one hit rather than two does not mean that they don't want to see people.

Gosh is that the time: it's agree to differ o'clock! Gotta run

whatever5 · 21/06/2014 00:18

I said there were double standards at playhere; I was not speaking about you...I wasn't even thinking that it applied to you.

I was the only one saying that I wouldn't bother to visit my parents if they had that attitude though so the fact that other people complain about families visiting or say "my house my rules" is irrelevant.

"But you're right, different strokes for different folks. I don't like large gatherings much either as it goes, but I absolutely maintain that the fact that family may prefer to have the...let's face it...considerable inconvenience of house guests for a shorter rather than longer period of time, and to do it in one hit rather than two does not mean that they don't want to see people.*

They can have whatever preferences they like. At the same time though I can prefer not to visit them in that situation surely??

whatever5 · 21/06/2014 00:19

I said there were double standards at playhere; I was not speaking about you...I wasn't even thinking that it applied to you.

I was the only one saying that I wouldn't bother to visit my parents if they had that attitude though so the fact that other people complain about families visiting or say "my house my rules" is irrelevant.

But you're right, different strokes for different folks. I don't like large gatherings much either as it goes, but I absolutely maintain that the fact that family may prefer to have the...let's face it...considerable inconvenience of house guests for a shorter rather than longer period of time, and to do it in one hit rather than two does not mean that they don't want to see people.

They can have whatever preferences they like. At the same time though I can prefer not to visit them in that situation surely??