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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go apeshit (to my husband) when MiL informs me that SiL will be joining us for our 2 week summer holiday?

83 replies

helterskelter77 · 20/06/2014 00:35

Going on holiday to stay with FiL in Ireland next month. Now informed won't be alone - earlier was asked exact dates by MiL without any hint that they were arranging 'hijack' of hols. Pissed off as feel it was by stealth with no respect for my wishes at all. We work full time, never have holidays, exhausted, all the rest of it. Husband thinks it's 'naive' behaviour - I think it's just plain rude. AIBU?

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 20/06/2014 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 20/06/2014 09:02

Isn't it up to your FIL whether he invites his dd to stay in his home at the same time as his son and family or not?

If mil and FIL are separated, and your SIL is an adult, what has it got to do with your mil?

I don't get it.

Rebecca2014 · 20/06/2014 09:21

Maybe sil wanted to see her dad with her brother?

If I was your sil I would ask you and my brother if it was okay I came along so I do think it is rude she is just going without asking.

ikeaismylocal · 20/06/2014 09:26

I don't see why your angry with mil about sil ( who is presumably an adult) deciding to visit her dad at the same time as you. Your sil is responsible for where and when she holidays.

whatever5 · 20/06/2014 09:28

It's seems odd that your MIL is involved in this. What's it got to do with her? I don't blame you for being irritated that your SIL will be there at the same time as no doubt she will expect to come along when you and your family go on day trips etc.

Could you change your holiday dates and not tell your MIL until the last minute (obviously think of an excuse so it doesn't look like you are deliberately avoiding SIL)?

pinkyredrose · 20/06/2014 09:29

YABU to go 'apeshit', SIL is allowed to stay with her own father.

CarpetBagger · 20/06/2014 09:39

your dh needs to tell his sister he is going on hols with his wife! simples...and that as you are all grown ups no one arranges holidays for other people...

why do people accept the dreadful deeds once they are done? Mil has done this, just un do it!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/06/2014 09:41

SIL can go and stay with her father, surely?

Going to stay with family as you are, you cannot dictate who else is there. You have two weeks accommodation in a presumably beautiful part of the world, enjoy.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 20/06/2014 09:46

Can you change the date?

Xenadog · 20/06/2014 10:13

Your holiday plans have been scuppered so YADNBU! I would ignore MiL and go straight to SiL and ask her why she is going at he same time as you. Is there a reason and is it a good enough one? I would be tempted to let her know that you feel your holiday plans have been ruined by her gate crashing the holiday. She can of course go and visit her father whenever but it is surely just good manners to say she wanted to go when you were going.

I would then go back to MiL and tell her from now on you will be telling her nothing about your lives as she is clearly deceitful, manipulative and downright unpleasant.

Of course this would lead to the mother of all rows but then you might be able to go on holiday in the he future by yourselves without interference.

BTW your DH should be the one dealing with this.

ApocalypseThen · 20/06/2014 10:15

so I do think it is rude she is just going without asking.

I don't clear it with my in laws if I visit my parents. I see no necessity for this at all, and I don't consider it rude.

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 10:27

I don't clear it with my in laws if I visit my parents. I see no necessity for this at all, and I don't consider it rude

Absolutely. I can see your disappointment Helter but I honestly don't see how this is your call at all and you would certainly be bang out of order to go apeshit with anyone...although venting here is allowed!

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 10:28

And Xenadog you have read WAY more into this than I have:

I would then go back to MiL and tell her from now on you will be telling her nothing about your lives as she is clearly deceitful, manipulative and downright unpleasant

canweseethebunnies · 20/06/2014 10:30

YABU. You are staying with your Fil, presumably for free. He is perfectly entitled to invite his dd at the same time. I think if you are relying in someone else's hospitality for your holiday you don't really get to dictate terms!

I don't understand why people are saying YANBU, you booked this holiday etc as if you have exclusivity rights?

And what the hell has your mil got to do with it? I'm guessing sil has made this arrangement with her father?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 20/06/2014 10:33

I can't really see the problem. you are visiting family and there will be one more family member there. Perhaps she thought it would be more fun than if she just went on her own some other time. It's not like sheis gatecrashing a holiday that is just yu and the dc.

your mil's involvement is odd though

canweseethebunnies · 20/06/2014 10:37

I suspect the real problem is that you don't like your sil. Otherwise I don't think you'd be bothered!

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 10:42

And I'm also not getting all the wading into MiL here (although I guess that's par for the course on MN.

I just assumed that FiL asked her to liaise to ensure that he didn't have vists spread out over the whole summer...I am guessing he would probably prefer SiL to be there at the same time, although I admit that is conjecture on my part (but no more so that the assumption that MiL is conniving, manipulative etc etc)

ApocalypseThen · 20/06/2014 10:46

Indeed. He may want some time to himself to do filthy, perverted, summery stuff.

Xenadog · 20/06/2014 11:49

stephenmangan you may be correct in saying I have read too much into the MiL's involvement but seriously, if you have made arrangements and then find other people are going to gate crash your holiday wouldn't you be really cross too? I would want anyone who was railroading me into something to know that's not going to be tolerated.

The OP (and us!) need to find out the whole back story behind the SiL's piggybacking onto the holiday but it should all have been discussed with the OP and their DH before. That is just manners. The OP and her DH could then have made different arrangements such as staying with FiL for one week and then travelling for the following week if that suits them more.

basgetti · 20/06/2014 11:53

YABU. You are staying with your Fil, presumably for free. He is perfectly entitled to invite his dd at the same time. I think if you are relying in someone else's hospitality for your holiday you don't really get to dictate terms!

This.

Thomyorke · 20/06/2014 11:54

You are viewing this as a holiday whereas the others involved could be viewing this as visiting family where generally the only person who should be upset is FIL if he does not wants everyone at the same time.

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 11:59

Yes I agree with you in principle Xenadog (and I said I could appreciate OP's disappointment) and in an ideal world Helter would have been consulted before it was a done deal, but as I said, it really isn't her call to make.

Totally agree with you re backstory Grin

whatever5 · 20/06/2014 12:53

Although it isn't the OP's call if her SIL will be totally independent while at the FIL and won't expect to join them on day trips or other activities while they are in Ireland. My guess is that she will want to join them though which means that it is the OP's business and she should have been consulted.

LoonvanBoon · 20/06/2014 13:11

I agree, whatever. And I think a lot of this depends on what OP's family normally do when they visit FIL.

If she, her DH & kids go out on lots of outings, & FIL lets them use his home as a kind of holiday base, then it's going to impact significantly on her plans if SIL is there & expects to accompany them all the time.

I'm also totally baffled by MIL's involvement in this. Are you sure it wasn't SIL asking her to find out your holiday dates? Just don't get what motive MIL would have to try & get all the family together when she won't be there herself!

stephenmanaganiseverywhere · 20/06/2014 13:31

I hear what you're saying Whatever but I still say that OP does not get to call the shots if she is getting a freebie. It all sounds to me like FiL would rather get it all out of the way at once I know I would

The only option open to her is to cancel...not ideal, but I really don't see that anybody has done anything wrong here...and par contre, my guess would be that the SiL would rather that OP and her family were not there: as a single woman I certainly want kids under my feet on holiday. But she doesn't get complain either , if she's getting a free holiday, and as far as we know, she isn't complaining!