to tell my mother I've had enough? (v v long)

[HouseLikeAZoo]

This is my first AIBU, and it's a huge long backstory one. My situation is quite distinctive so I will probably out myself here.

I am considering writing to my mum to tell her that I've had enough of her selfish behaviour. I suspect it will end with me going NC. I really just want some advice from you all about whether I will come to regret it - and I need to be told to grow a spine after years of pandering to her.

Short version: my mum is in her third marriage. My brother & I are from her first marriage. When we toddlers, my parents divorced, and unusually, custody was split so that I stayed with my mum and my brother with my dad. This was back in the 70's and not in the UK. My father was/still is an alcoholic and not in any way fit to be a parent. Still, my mum "gave" him her 3-yr old DS and moved away with me. She tells me it was "to save having a long court battle". My brother's life has turned out ok but has seen him having to basically raise himself, clear up after my DF and generally go through more shit than anyone deserves. He has had little contact with my mum although remains civil to her.

I have since then had two more "dads", and at primary school age, moved to the UK (my mum as she had an affair with a Brit & then came here to marry him). I spoke no English when we moved and found the whole thing pretty horrific. I knew no-one and was separated from all my friends & rest of my family. My brother was left behind in another country, but my mum didn't seem to find the happiness of either of her kids a huge concern.

Throughout my childhood & now adulthood, my mum has treated me like hired help. I was charged with the family cooking, cleaning and laundry from the age of 12 onwards. If my standard of my dusting & ironing weren't high enough, I'd have to do it again. Leaving for university was a relief - although I had no financial support from my (well off) parents, it was nice to be my own person. However her selfish behaviour did not stop; It's always all about her.

I'm now married with a lovely DH and two DSs. When I had a miscarriage with complications, I received no sympathy and no visit from her. When my children were small, she made it clear that they were in her opinion "feral" and that she had no desire to help us (this despite the fact that my father in law died when my boys were 1 & 3 and we were desperate for support). When I told her I'd been referred to the breast cancer clinic her response was to complain bitterly about her terrible luck because her kitchen fit was going badly. I didn't tell her about my depression for months, but when I finally confided in her, she told me I should count myself lucky that my DH hadn't left me because of it.

All the while she expects me to do her bidding unquestioningly. She phones me to tell me to sort out her computer/kindle/tv/phone, she requires me to sell stuff on eBay for her (and then blames me for not getting enough profit on her old cowboy boots), she expects me (and DH) to come over to dig garden features/paint ceilings/shift stuff whenever she wants, she thinks nothing of phoning ahead when coming to visit to request her favourite wine/food/coffee be waiting for her. She gives me her hand-me-down clothes and shoes as presents, and once agreed to one evening of babysitting my boys as my birthday present from her.

Stupidly, I have let her away with it for 37 years.

The final straw came last week. My stepfather has been very poorly and my mum has been visiting him every day in hospital. She wanted a weekend off from visiting, so told me to visit on saturday (I was going anyway so no probs) and told my stepbrother to visit on Sunday. My stepbrother couldn't make Sunday, so decided to come with me on Saturday instead. When my mum got wind of this, she lost the plot completely, told my DSB that she was gutted he was doing this, and generally spent a Friday night messaging him and me, ranting on about how everything was ruined. For some reason she had decided that only she could be in charge of the hospital visiting schedule and thought it was reasonable for her to forbid my Dad's own son from visiting when he wanted to. For the first time in my adult life I told her that she had gone too far, and her response was stunning.

She refused to talk to me, except to tell me she didn't want to talk to me. When I asked her how dad was, she refused to tell me. She texted me to tell me that she won't be in touch. This carried on for days, until she decided she needed me to do her a favour (drive a 2-hr round trip to lend her a garden item) and then she got back in touch as if nothing had happened.

I've had enough. I've written her a letter to tell her all of the above and to tell her that I'm sick of giving and getting nothing but grief in return. AIBU to send it?

Thank you Hissy. Will repeat that whilst drinking lots and lots of wine. Lots.

My sympathies. My mother wrote similar in an email to me, all about the results of the 'introspection' I had 'forced upon her'. I can almost laugh about it now as her 'introspection' involved not a single thought on her behaviour, just a list of the ways in which it was my fault. The urge to get them to realise does diminish in time.

I went nc with my mother a year ago and the interactions have followed a very similar pattern.

My advice would be that further exchanges will only drain your emotional energy. I have found it very hard to deal with but do not regret nc. I am now getting therapy and should have had this in place from the start. Look after yourself OP and consider professional support as this is a very difficult situation.

Agree that continuing with NC is the best response. Though I would be so tempted to just tear up the letter and post the pieces back to her with no comment whatsoever.

Actually, even better than that, though - if you stay NC, you can do something I read on a similar thread on here, which is that when your brother is dispatched to ask you what you made of the letter (and he will be, if she doesn't get a response from you) you can say? 'That? I read the first couple of lines and saw what a mad rant it was so I threw it away and didn't bother with the rest of it'. Or even just say 'what letter? I didn't receive it'. The best medicine would be for her to think that all her carefully crafted spite was wasted and didn't even get the chance to touch you.

Agree, I also received the standard 'what did I doooo, poor little meeeee' letter. I never responded, and to this day she has no idea whether I received it or not. They upped tactics after that, started driving over to my town to shop, and blatantly parking outside my house.

Just don't engage, no matter what.

So sorry for you, it all sounds terrible. Have you wondered whether your mum might have narcissistic personality disorder? You will never win with a person like that, and disengaging is the only way forward. You can do without such a toxic influence in your life. X

Couldn't not reply to this. I had exactly the same experience with my mother and now I'm 5.5 years down the line and its the best thing I ever did.

Predictable pattern emerged - letter denying everything, point by point, like yours. Second letter admitting everything when I'd called her on it, but blaming my stepfather (utter tosh!).

I asked for space and time. I was pregnant. When the baby was born, she offers to take time of work and come and help me (hadn't seen her for 6 months) and when I declined, she sent a packet of vests for the baby - which was an odd thing to do because she always went overboard with children's presents.

Anyway, she would periodically get in touch, charm offensive. I would say I wasn't ready. Two such letters, then a third spewing vitriol and saying she never wanted to see me again. Turned the entire family against me too (oh well......).

Then she left it a year and got my sister to contact me. Same thing, charm offensive followed by abuse email when I declined.

They have contacted me every 18 months I suppose. Sister claims that my mother doesn't know she's getting in touch. My sister is 27 and lives at home. I'd say they are co-dependent.

It was the best decision ever, though its been hard at times when the children have asked questions at awkward times (last Sunday, my five year old asked me if my mum was horrible as we walked though Bolton Abbey....!) or when I just really needed some support from a mother. Bt you know, she would never have supported me anyway. She's a horror.

Just do it, you owe it to yourself and everyone else around you. Good luck.

i'm another whose done it. been about ten months now. try not to react OP. ignore and wait. people like this have no respect for boundaries or any real sense you're an actual person who doesn't exist just as their supporting cast or whatever. when you put such an immutable barrier up as non contact there's bound to be some tantrums to try to force your hand. just ignore. if it helps give yourself a time limit such as no response for a couple of months then i'll see how i am.

in all likelihood your life will be so much more peaceful and you'll have observed such atrocious tantrums that you'll decide to carry on non contact.

the last word IS silence imo. there's no last word with these people except the finality of no longer reacting or responding.