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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Affair

65 replies

dippylongstocking · 18/06/2014 23:47

Found out this evening that friend's DH is having an affair. Friend is 7months pregnant with third child. She worships the ground he walks on and would be devastated. Should I tell her? DH says to leave it and pretend I don't know anything. I would want to know if it was me, wouldn't you?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 18/06/2014 23:49

Are you sure this is true?

Theselittlelightsofmine · 18/06/2014 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarCiKoTab · 18/06/2014 23:51

Wow this must be difficult, I think I'd prefer to know but I'd want to see proof. When she finds out and then finds out you knew, she probably wouldn't be very happy.

Original poster
dippylongstocking · 18/06/2014 23:54

Yes, definitely him. I was having dinner with DH and he was sat a couple of tables away with a woman who is definitely not my friend. They were kissing and touching each other constantly. DH saw it all too.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 18/06/2014 23:55

I would want to know.

That said, mee-yillions of mumsnetters have said they don't want to know.

So that's a tough one. Well, not toe: solidarity and honesty trumps all, in my lexicon.

But i dont know how ypu are, or your friend.

I'd say, if the affair is one of the symptoms of an entitled/abusive relationship, your friend should know, one way or another, eventually.

I'd start with a general discussion (do you even know how they're situated, i.e. open/acceptance, etc) then maybe a bit more specific in increments etc...

WorraLiberty · 18/06/2014 23:56

Did he not see you?

DoJo · 18/06/2014 23:57

If you are absolutely sure it is true then her health is paramount, especially as she's pregnant. If she's still sleeping with him and he isn't using protection then she could be at risk of STDs which could harm her and the baby. For this reason I would tell, but only if I had concrete proof that I was correct.

Original poster
dippylongstocking · 19/06/2014 00:13

He didn't see us as far as I know. I don't think he had eyes for anything other than this woman tbh! I really don't know what to do!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2014 00:17

The STD thing would mean that I think I would have to tell. What if he puts her or the baby in danger?

StandardHeight · 19/06/2014 00:24

When i was in my early twenties I told a friend that I knew her boyfriend was seeing others behind her back. She never spoke to me again and stayed with him.
If you do decide to tell her be prepared that she may take his side and stick her head in the sand.
I am going to be really controversial here. Maybe he will stop the affair when the baby comes, maybe it was a phase. I'm not saying it should be ignored but maybe he will end up getting pass this affair whatever it is and settle down to a nice happy family life.
I would leave well alone. If he continues to have an affair he will get found out sooner or later.

StandardHeight · 19/06/2014 00:25

He is a b'stard though, just thought I'd add that

parentalunit · 19/06/2014 05:16

Can you tell the husband that you know, and let him sort it out? (if he doesn't tell your friend, you'd have to think again about what to do)

HicDraconis · 19/06/2014 05:20

Ask the husband who he was with and make it clear you saw him plainly and aren't mistaken. Then ask him what he intends to do regarding his marriage.

I'd probably give him a week to tell his wife or I would. But then I would want someone to do that for me - I don't love my DH unconditionally and infidelity is, for me, an absolute deal breaker. My friends know that - how do you think your friend would feel if she found out much later but knew you'd known for ages first?

AuntieStella · 19/06/2014 06:58

You might want to get this moved out of AIBU.

If you were she, would you want to know? Or do you think you wouldn't mind our friends, one by one, all finding out because he's seeing her in public, and none of them saying a word?

Do you think it makes it better or worse for her if she finds out you knew and didn't tell? Will she be left with anyone that she will feel has not let her down by lying (even by omission) to conceal the affair?

Saying nothing also makes you a (small?) part of the deception. How does that fit with your personal moral standards?

NorthernLassie247 · 19/06/2014 07:10

I once had the same thing happen to me - saw a friend's husband with another woman, all loved up plus they had a baby...I was gobsmacked, was stressing about how to tell my friend. Her husband worked away, or so we all thought, it was obviously a cover up for spending half his time with family number 2!

Next time I saw her was her dd's birthday party, I decided to put it on hold as obviously it wouldn't have been an appropriate time to drop the whole "affair and double life" bombshell. Anyway, partway through the party me friend introduced me to her dh's brother and family who lived an hour or so away...the brother was dh's identical twin!

I was so relieved...and believe it or not the same thing happened about 10 years later, with a female set of twins that time.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...are you 100% sure it was him??

KnackeredMuchly · 19/06/2014 07:11

I would tell her, today without question.

bitsnbobs14 · 19/06/2014 07:54

I'd tell him, tell him I know and that if he doesn't tell her, I will.
Awful position to be in, good luck!

Smo2 · 19/06/2014 08:04

My husband had an affair for nearly five years, and then left me. I don't blame those that knew and didn't tell me....that's a tough one...but on a personal level, I would have rather someone told me.

Incidentally, he claimed it was only for three months, and then a year in length...then three months after he left, a friend confessed that she had recently found out it had gone on for nearly five years....she agonised for ages telling me too...but when she did, it just gave me a lot of peace as I'd always thought I'd not been told the whole truth.

Incidentally, during the 5 years....mine had an affair...then came back when I wanted to have another baby, then started it again when my son was 8 weeks...so don't get any ideas that it will all stop once the baby arrives!

It's a very difficult situation. And on,y you can judge it really, but be prepared if they stay together....you may no longer be friends x

MistyMeena · 19/06/2014 08:28

Dippy, I'm in as similar situation, it's horrible isn't it? I think I'd probably want to know but then the stress added to being pregnant probably won't help her in the very short term.
I'd confront the husband first so he knows that you know and take it from there.

kidcrayola · 19/06/2014 08:37

I'd confront the husband. The shock of being found out maybe enough for him to confront what is happening and sort it out.
But I think you need to make it clear to him that you're not prepared to keep it a secret if he's not prepared to deal with it.

Singsongmama · 19/06/2014 08:44

I'd tell her. Either way, it's a dreadful position that you are in. Good luck whatever you decide. Keep us posted? Thanks

Pregnant wife...and he's smooching around somewhere else? So repulsive, that really is the lowest of the low.

GoblinLittleOwl · 19/06/2014 09:13

Leave it; she's seven months pregnant, worships the ground he walks on, may know already, not in a fit state to cope with all the fall out. Just be ready to be as supportive and helpful as you can if the situation explodes, and reconsider telling after the birth and if you see the affair continuing. Could your husband speak to him and tell him you have seen him and Do Not Approve?

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 19/06/2014 09:25

Oh I wish you could replay this event! I'd have walked right over to the husband and stood with my hands on my his and said "I don't think we've been introduced" to his lady friend - that's if it really was as obvious as you say (not doubting you by the way).

I'm not sure what you should do now though. I agree with other posters that there is a risk of STD so considering she is pregnant she should know. How you broach that I don't know.

How perceptive would she be if you asked leading questions?

FreudiansSlipper · 19/06/2014 09:25

What a horrible situation

You posted that she worships her dh. If she feels the need and often telling others what a wonderful guy he is she is likely to be trying to convince herself

Now i feel is not the time to tell her but inform him that you know and how concerned you are for your friend it may push him to make a decision

BrokenToeOuch · 19/06/2014 09:29

I'd have done the same as Boooooo, were you not raging? Confused

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