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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Affair

65 replies

dippylongstocking · 18/06/2014 23:47

Found out this evening that friend's DH is having an affair. Friend is 7months pregnant with third child. She worships the ground he walks on and would be devastated. Should I tell her? DH says to leave it and pretend I don't know anything. I would want to know if it was me, wouldn't you?

OP posts:

Standinginline · 19/06/2014 14:21

I would want to be know if it was my partner ,but it depends on what your friends stance is on it. Some people prefer the out of sight out of kind approach and would blame you for ruining everything so close to her due date BUT you could also have a friend who would thank you for telling her. It's a hard one. As others have mentioned ,can you speak to him first ? If a friend of my partners approached me after seeing me with someone else then I would crap myself. Might scare him to end things ,or at least tell your friend himself.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/06/2014 14:24

I can see there's a dilemma if it's an acquaintance or a work colleague, but a friend? A good friend?

I would ask her what her husband was doing last night, say that you were in the restaurant and saw him. Leave it at that.

Thistledew · 19/06/2014 14:27

Can you raise it with her in a roundabout way "Does your DH have a twin? I saw someone who looked incredibly like him in a restaurant with another woman".

It gives her the chance to deal with the info as she sees fit- to do her own digging or press you for details if she wants to, or to burry her head in the sand and dismiss the suggestion if she does not. You don't accuse him directly so there is less chance of alienating her, but you sow that seed of doubt in her mind for her to reach her own conclusions.

Davsmum · 19/06/2014 14:32

You should have a word with HIM and not her. Tell him you saw him and ask him to either end it or tell his wife himself.

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 19/06/2014 14:45

It's a difficult one, I personally would want to know.

Could you sound her out, maybe make up another friend and say you don't know whether you should tell her or not, see what she says?

I would be upset if a friend of mine knew and didn't tell me, but I understand its hard.

I would not go to him though, and give him a chance to think of excuses, hide things or cover things up, go straight to her.

Spurious · 19/06/2014 14:53

Tell her. VivuPru's way.

Neverendingnappies · 19/06/2014 14:55

my dad had an affair. Lots of my parents friends all knew about it. none of them said a word. When mum finally found out she lost not only her husband but almost her entire friendship circle as she could never trust then again.

My husband had an affair too (sensing a theme?). none of my friends knew but if they did then I would expect them to have enough respect for me to let me make my own decisions based on the truth and not the lie I had been inadvertently living.

You need to tell her. She deserves to know the truth and make decisions about her own life knowing the true lay off the land. You are not protecting her by keeping it secret, only him.

SaucyJack · 19/06/2014 15:05

I think you should tell her. She may or may not thank you for it, but either way it's absolutely the right thing to do.

Also, if it had been me in that situation I would've taken a photo just in case she needed/wanted proof.

SarcyMare · 19/06/2014 16:07

my dad also had an affair, my mum never forgave the person who told her.

Spurious · 19/06/2014 16:08

I just don't get that - blaming the messenger.

deakymom · 19/06/2014 16:22

people blame the messenger go to him instead make sure he has no twin then point out you were there and what you saw

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 19/06/2014 16:25

I'm not that sure why people are concerned about the messenger being blamed. Is it better to lie by omission than risk a friend having misplaced anger?

PossumPoo · 19/06/2014 17:37

I caught my friend's DP with another woman. I told him he had two days to tell her or I would. I went to visit friend after 2 days and her DP was there, I asked if she'd had a talk with him.

He told her "Possum thinks she saw me kissing someone, but she's wrong". I told my friend I did see him, and I told him to tell you. Deep down she knew I was telling the truth but it took her 6 months to break up with him.

We are still friends and I would absolutely do it again. He DP used to get pissed and say Possum you know how you thought you saw me that night here (where he was when he cheated) and I'd interrupt and say, no where I know I saw you as we were both there!

Tell her OP as she won't forgive you if she finds out you knew and didn't tell her.

cantbelievemyeyes · 19/06/2014 17:49

I wouldn't complicate things further by talking to her husband, giving him an ultimatum etc. If you're absolutely certain, I think you should tell her. You can't know in advance how she'll react and whether she'll take it out on you, but I personally don't think that's a good enough reason to withhold such important information from her.

PossumPoo · 19/06/2014 17:54

I agree with cant as I should have pointed out that I only spoke to my friends DP as we came face to face while he was in a very intimate embrace with another woman other than my friend!

Had he not seen me or I hadn't had the courage to confront him then and there then I wouldn't have given him an ultimatum, I would have told my friend as soon as I could.

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