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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Affair

65 replies

dippylongstocking · 18/06/2014 23:47

Found out this evening that friend's DH is having an affair. Friend is 7months pregnant with third child. She worships the ground he walks on and would be devastated. Should I tell her? DH says to leave it and pretend I don't know anything. I would want to know if it was me, wouldn't you?

OP posts:

MissThang · 19/06/2014 09:39

I'm disgusted at the people on this thread saying leave it. If you were absolute I certain it was him then like a previous poster said, why did you not make your way over and calmly say hello/ask for an introduction? If it was me I would want to know, not be mugged off by people I'm supposed to trust. If your friendship ends, so be it, at least you would have done the decent thing, not left things for a quiet life like so many weak people would do. It's unreal

KoalaDownUnder · 19/06/2014 09:42

I would contact him and give him an ultimatum: either he tells her within a certain time frame, or I do.

I'd follow through, too.

LouisaJF · 19/06/2014 09:55

How close are you? Could you contact her mum or a close friend to be there when you tell her? That way if she decides to shoot the messenger, there will still be someone there to hold her hand.

RhiWrites · 19/06/2014 10:09

Tell him if he doesn't come clean you'll tell the wife the truth.

She might shoot the messenger but she deserves to know and it would be awful if she found out later and discovered you'd known all along.

Roundedbuttocks90 · 19/06/2014 10:10

Your poor, poor friend! What an arsehole!!

I would confront her husband first, if you ever have an opportunity. Tell him what you saw and ask him to explain himself.

I would want to know. Why should she be wasting her life with an arse like that? She's at home looking after their kids whilst suffering all sorts of pregnancy ailments while he is wining and dining this mystery woman!

Complete cunt he deserves what's coming to him. Unfortunately though your friend does not

Squidstirfry · 19/06/2014 10:28

Confront the husband. Let him be the one to confess.

I completely would have gone up to the both of them in the first place too! But it's not about that.

Sisyphus85 · 19/06/2014 11:20

Oh wow...

It would be just the worst thing to find out at 7 months preggers... but surely anyone would rather know than find out later that you didn't tell them?

I def think going through the DH is the best option. Maybe send an anonymous letter. "I know what you were doing last night... does your wife know???" kind of thing. Maybe use cut up newspaper headlines?

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 19/06/2014 11:24

Just realised I said "hands on HIS" rather than "hands on HIPS"

i absolutely would NOT have put my hands on his!

I've thought more about this not done any work this morning and yes, I think you should either confront him, or say something to her - at the very least "I saw DH in xxx restaurant the other night - did he mention he'd seen me?".

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 19/06/2014 11:26

I think confronting the husband is the best option.

Your poor friend

AtomicMitten · 19/06/2014 11:28

Is it possible to leave a note anonymously? She gets the information that she needs, but, you don't get vilified in the process (if she decides to shoot the messenger).

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 19/06/2014 11:29

Sisyphus85
I def think going through the DH is the best option. Maybe send an anonymous letter. "I know what you were doing last night... does your wife know???" kind of thing. Maybe use cut up newspaper headlines?

You're joking right?

Chuffchuff · 19/06/2014 11:30

Ideally you should have confronted him at the time IMO - you could have easily 'spotted' him and gone over to say hello on your way to the loo, etc, then acted all shocked when you realised what he was up to - and they watch him squirm and try and talk his way out of it.

Then it would have been his problem to sort out and not yours - he would know that you know, etc etc...

I still think you should tell your friend, but it's a more awkward situation now - the fact is the two of you could fall out over him being a bastard

liquidstatehasrisenagain · 19/06/2014 11:33

Definitely confront the cheating scumbag husband. Tell him you won't keep secrets from your friend and he has to tell her now.

It will hurt your friend but she needs to know.

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 19/06/2014 11:34

AtomicMitten
Is it possible to leave a note anonymously? She gets the information that she needs, but, you don't get vilified in the process (if she decides to shoot the messenger)

I would think anyone who sent me an anonymous letter was either being malicious or was not quite ok in themselves. This will just confuse the issue and give the husband an opportunity to deny withoiut any worries that someone else will contradict him.

What would you do if she says "oh you'll never guess what, I got a letter telling me that DH was having an affair, all because he had to take a client out for dinner - what a weirdo!". You can either admit to being the weirdo and tell her what you saw or sit there mute, effectively adding more lies to this scenario.

Just in case there is any confusion, I say NO to anonymous letters

Rebecca2014 · 19/06/2014 11:41

It is a hard situation because have you ever heard the saying "Don't shoot the messenger."

I think she has a right to know and you as her friend should tell her, if she is a good person she will not blame you for telling her the truth. If you didn't tell her then your the bad person for not telling so you cannot win and if that was me, I rather get that off my chest.

CoolCat2014 · 19/06/2014 12:43

I'd tell her, but she might not thank you for it now.

I've had friends in the past who were with total losers, and when they've finally seen the light the first thing they said was "why did no one tell me?"

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/06/2014 13:56

I would want to know. I'd be devastated if I found out friends knew and didn't tell me.

flixybelle · 19/06/2014 14:01

I would just tell your friend, 'oh I saw your DH in xyz place on x day, he was with someone I didn't know' then its entirely up to your friend how to proceed. If my DH was and he was in a restaurant or wherever and I didn't know anything about it would be alarm bells. I think if you say 'your dh is having an affair' you are likely to lose that friendship I have been there twice so unless you are best best friends I would let her come to her own conclusions.

ViviPru · 19/06/2014 14:04

I'd tell her, but very carefully.

I'd start by asking her what she was up to on such-and-such night. Once she remembers, I'd ask her where her DH was at the time. Then I'd ask if she thought there might be any reason why he might not be where he told her he was (which I'm guessing wouldn't have been at x restaurant with OW). I'd then explain why I'm asking, because I saw him and I'd tell her what I saw him doing. I'd relay the facts in as objective, unemotional manner as possible, trying to avoid sounding judgemental or accusatory of him.

The reason I'm suggesting you do it this way is not to inflict some cruel guessing game on her, but for her to discover this revelation in a pragmatic, reasoned way. Rather than just coming out with something that sounds completely implausible to her "Your DH is having an affair", you're helping build a picture in her mind so she is more likely to believe it rather than knee-jerk into denial.

Bloody hell, good luck OP. For myriad reasons your friendship is already in jeopardy if you don't tell her.

Viviennemary · 19/06/2014 14:05

You won't be thanked for telling your friend. It isn't a good time IMHO. Keep quiet.

fifi669 · 19/06/2014 14:07

Tell her. I wish someone had told me about SOAB ex. They told me afterwards as they didn't think I'd believe them.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/06/2014 14:07

Tell the DH what you saw and that you know he is having an affair.

Set him a deadline in which to tell his DW and make it very clear that if he doesn't tell her, you will. Keep the deadline short.

If he doesn't do it then tell your friend. Do NTSC let him talk his way out of it or convince you to keep it a secret. Stick to your guns.

I have been in the exact same position except that I saw my Uncle with another woman. It's not a nice position to be in at all.

ExcuseTypos · 19/06/2014 14:10

Of course your friend needs to know. Even if he finished it today, he is still an unfaithful twat. She should know this.

Gen35 · 19/06/2014 14:14

I hope I'd have confronted him at the time but I would probably have dithered in the moment. Short of stalking the restaurant and hoping for a repeat, I'd confront him now and do the timeframe thing. Awful situation for you, I can't see it ending well but I couldn't leave it.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 19/06/2014 14:21

I think ViviPru has the best way forward. I would avoid giving her husband chance to build a lying story. Definitely say your DH witnessed it.

Your friendship won't be the same whether you keep this from her or not but you can be a better friend to her by telling her than by keeping quiet and in effect covering up for a cheat.

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