Even in the 1950s this cannot have been "right"

[PuddingandPie1]

My twin brother died in 1964 from an asthma attack on the way home from our primary school. Looking back I don't think that I was ever given any support after Stephen died. Certainly not from the school, Stephen became a non-person, never to be mentioned again. We had twin desks in the classroom and of course he and I had been put together but after he died I just sat at the same double desk on my own.

Mum was allowed, even encouraged, by the family and the community to show emotion but Dad and I were expected to do the old stiff upper lip job. It isn't surprising that I ended up bitterly resented Stephen for years, certainly well into my 20s. Every nice thing that ever happened to me seemed to be tainted by his death and I, stupidly, started thinking that I didn't matter to my parents.

I suspect that the main reason it took me close to 50 years to find closure was due to the lack of support in the 12 months after Stephen died and it makes me as mad as hell to think that!

Huge hugs and sympathy to All the posters. And yes it was how it was in those days. My Mum had a stillborn twin(my DB survived, 1961) and 'it' was just taken away and she was told to just 'enjoy' the one who lived. She never knew if the precious baby was a boy or girl or where they were buried. Funny thing was years later, even tho my Mum never talked about them, my DB mentioned that he thought something was missing from his life but couldn't quite put a finger on it. My Mum was also VERY VERY ill after my last DB was born, was near death and in hospital for 6 weeks and I have memories (and so does she...brings her to tears) of myself and 3 DB standing in the snow singing 'away in a manger' to her through the window. We weren't allowed to visit!?

My DHs DB died when my DH was 11 years old (DB was 21). He has never talked about it till one day when he was a little drunk it all came pouring out. He sat with his head in my lap and was crying and saying 'they never even told me he was ill'...'they never even told me he died till the next day'..'they didn't even tell me about his funeral'...'they didn't let me go to the funeral and his room was cleared out when I was at school'....Apart from a few photos, my DH has nothing to remember his DB by.....So sad but it was how things were dealt with then. I worked with life limited Children and nowadays it is so much better understood. Penhaligans friends is amazing at supporting siblings of children who have died. I have been to a few of these sessions and they are something to behold. When the balloons are released.......awe inspiring. Again, sympathies to every poster....x

I tried to get in touch with the Head Teacher about a memorial bench - however she is a teacher as well as a Head Teacher so next Tuesday, her non-teaching day, is the best time to contact her.

Adsy - I think there is a big difference between you, as an adult, choosing not to want to talk about a cot death and me, as a primary school child, not being allowed to talk about the death of my twin. I think I should have been given the same freedom of choice that you, rightly, have exercised.

I agree with your reply to adsy, Pudding, and think you have phrased it perfectly.

Congrats on contacting the school! It is a lovely idea

I have spoken to the Head Teacher and although she didn't actually say no to the idea of a bench she wasn't exactly bursting with enthusiasm either. I ended the phone call feeling rather sad and rather surprised as well. She is going to get back to me when she has spoken to the Chair of Governors.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter if it was 50 years or 5 days ago, grief needs to be respected.

This thread reminds me of my Ex's mum - her parents were quite old when she was born (something like 44 and 52), and very anxious and over-protective, which she put down to them being older parents. Her father died first, and, when her mother died, she discovered that they had had three children before her, who had all died: boy and girl twins, who had drowned, and the oldest, a brother, had died fighting in WWII, only 2 years before she was born herself. In fact, she later discovered that his name was on the local war memorial which had been visible from her bedroom window. Most upsetting for her was discovering that she had been named after them all; she had her late sister's first name, and then feminised versions of her brothers' names as middle names. She never got over the trauma of discovering this, and there being no-one left alive to answer any questions about them. So sad, for all of them :(

Another poignant story, Oxford :(

Pudding, I'm hoping the head teacher was just scared of saying the wrong thing! Wishing you luck with your project - it's a really nice idea.

Time for an update on Stephen's memorial. It took over a week for the Chair of Governors to phone me. He "was prepared to accept" a memorial bench but would "much prefer" a donation to the school to purchase books in Stephen's memory. OK, not a bad idea since Stephen was into books in a big way, so I assumed that the Chair intended that some type of label would be placed inside the book to recognise the source. Not at all, he was just offering a mention in the three times a year Head Teachers Report to Governors for a £500 donation.

Unsurprisingly I have opted for the bench but the whole thing feels tacky and tainted by this man.

Oh Pudding how awful I'm not surprised you feel that way.

That's a terrible response, Pudding.

I lost my dad when I was 14, in 1980, after a long and horrible illness. The family swept in when he died, and then swept away again after the funeral. I don't remember anyone speaking to me apart from a 'pass the salt' type of conversation. No-one spoke to me about it at school when I got back. (in fact I had to call the school myself to tell them my dad was dead).

Afterwards my mum was persuaded by work colleagues to start a university degree on top of her full time job, on the basis that me and my brother (16) didn't need her any more and would be leaving home soon anyway. A lot of people also got my mum going out, socialising and having fun, which was very good for her but actually I think we desperately needed our remaining parent's attention after years of having a very sick father. As it was, it was as if 'that part' of her life was over and she couldn't wait for us to leave so that she could get on with things. The ramifications are being felt even now.

My mother died in July this year, during a long hospital stay. She was 76, I am 43. To date I haven't shed a single tear over mum's passing, in contrast to my middle sister who is
still struggling with the issue. But
then I haven't cried in well over 30 years and that was over a spat with
my eldest sister and father. He had
been drinking and he hit me with a
tablespoon. Not much physical pain
but a shock. Not a tear since.

My mum's death is the greatest emotional upheaval I've ever dealt with but I dealt with it and parked it straight away. Even at the funeral I felt nothing. Complete emotional apathy. I don't know if all this makes me strong, cold, weird or what.

My Mum had eight miscarriages in the 50s, before adopting me in 1959. Not one of them was ever acknowledged as a lost child, she was just encouraged to try again - and again, and again. The emotional trauma she must have gone through - well, I can't imagine it. I do think there's something to the theory that her generation had just come through WW2 and the stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on mindset was still prevalent.

vienna there is a thread on the Bereavement board for people who have lost their parents, it's great if you feel like taking a look x

So much sadness My own family had its share too - stories you can't believe these days.

What has shocked me most reading this thread is how so much of this was still going on in the 80s'/90's and thus how far we have come in such a short time.

Pudding have you done Stephen's bench? If not, maybe consider either leaving it until this Head moves on, or perhaps putting it somewhere else that means something to you? I am so sorry that they have treat you like this x We put up a new headstone recently, it was easier (and strangely less expensive) than I thought it would be and I have to say, it looks lovely and feels 'right', it has brought a lot of comfort to us.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Pudding, that's truly dreadful

I'm sorry you had a callous response from the Chair, pudding. Unfortunately such people are not appointed for their empathy/people skills.

I'm sure those actually in the school every day, will really appreciate and respect the memorial bench.

My dad's older brother was killed in a hit-and-run accident between a car and his motorbike in the late 70's/early 80's. I didn't know he existed until a few years ago and he is rarely mentioned now. My gran occasionally brings his name up but he is never discussed or remembered in detail, just passing comments.

It's odd, if my brother died now I'd be distraught. I can't imagine filing my memories of him away and only mentioning his name in passing.

My daughter died of leukaemia, age 9, two years ago. We live rurally and neither of her siblings, now nearly 6 and 9, have had any professional support. All charities are a too far and expensive journey for us to access.

We just get on the best we can.

How very, very sad this thread is. I hope it is helping those posting on it a little to share their feelings. As someone who has not experienced this type of tragedy, I can only admire the dignity and integrity of those who have suffered so much.

expat and for you all

I got told off for crying when my Dad died way back in 1953. I was 7 years old. The last I saw of him was when he was being carried on a stretcher down the stairs. We never spoke about him. For years I thought he died because I didn't say my prayers. We were not allowed to go to the funeral, in fact I think I went to school as normal. Then I remember asking if it was a good funeral and did Mum enjoy herself. No counselling etc. You just got on with it. Same when my Grandad died in 69 as I sat with him. That's just how things were. My Mum passed away earlier this year. I am now coming to terms with it but as she would say - life goes on.

Such sad stories. to everyone, especially Expat

imbroglio that must have been so hard for you as you really need your mum to be there for you as a young teen.

2011 - DF died in a hospital (in England) and I arrived within an hour after his death (hospital never informed me that it was imminent). No words of sympathy - only a demand that I allow the body to be moved to the morgue as soon as possible (my DB was on his way and I wanted him to have the choice of whether to see our DF). On leaving I was handed a dog eared leaflet on what to do when someone died.

My brother and father died within 18 months of each other 5 years ago. My father we talk about all the time. My brother is never mentioned. I don't know why. I think about him all the time.

I know if something happens to either me or OH then DD will be as involved as possible so she has closure. Things are so different these days though and little people are given much more of a voice.