Even in the 1950s this cannot have been "right"

[PuddingandPie1]

My twin brother died in 1964 from an asthma attack on the way home from our primary school. Looking back I don't think that I was ever given any support after Stephen died. Certainly not from the school, Stephen became a non-person, never to be mentioned again. We had twin desks in the classroom and of course he and I had been put together but after he died I just sat at the same double desk on my own.

Mum was allowed, even encouraged, by the family and the community to show emotion but Dad and I were expected to do the old stiff upper lip job. It isn't surprising that I ended up bitterly resented Stephen for years, certainly well into my 20s. Every nice thing that ever happened to me seemed to be tainted by his death and I, stupidly, started thinking that I didn't matter to my parents.

I suspect that the main reason it took me close to 50 years to find closure was due to the lack of support in the 12 months after Stephen died and it makes me as mad as hell to think that!

I think that it's only very recently been accepted that children have complex thoughts and feelings, especially regarding death and strategies have been developed to help with them.

I was ten when my father died in 1989. My mother had a little support, my sister who was eight had support. I was told by my fathers Social worker that I had to be a big girl and look after Mum and Sis. I went back to school the Monday after Dad's funeral. I was clearly not ready, but The Adults around me felt that as I was ten I was ready and could cope. So I went back to school for the last two weeks of term, and my sister didn't and I withdrew into myself. I never cried in public after dad's funeral and never where Mum could see me. The kids in school got told off if they mentioned their fathers in front of me and a teacher heard- in case I got upset.

It was only in my late teens I began to actually grieve for him, when I realised exactly what I had missed, what help I could have had. I am still somewhat bitter- Children didn't need to know was the thinking back then.

Sorry for your loss.

Reminds me so much of just gran - she was born in 1899. The eldest, then 2 sets of twin girls who she looked after being the eldest. Finally the much wanted boy " our Charlie" who died at about age 3 ( the twins lived to ripe old ages - a miracle in themselves).
But our Charlie was always spoken go and my dad is named for him.

Could be that her generation were so surrounded by death it wasn't taboo like it was in the 1960 s when medicine was better?

My mum ( born 1928) had twin friends taken to the fever hospital with diphtheria from school - one returned, the other never spoken of.

I so hope things are better now. I think they are especially for kids who loose parents. Sibling loss I don't have experience of.

Remember your brother. But you aren't 2nd best. You are your own person and have made your own path in life. He is part of that picture and always will be but you are so much more than that.

( as an aside, stillbirths have been so badly death with in the past. The " talking heads" with thora hird when she said " they told me he wasn't worth calling anything and did we have any newspaper and a shoebox" breaks my heart even recalling it)

We have a similar story in our family.

The more I see of the world, the more I think sensitivity and kindness are the most evolved - but under-rated - characteristics in a human.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You have my sympathies.

When I was a little girl my baby sister died after an operation.

My parents weren't told she had died during the night until 6 o'clock the next morning. They weren't allowed to see her or hold her or say goodbye to her.

They had a couple of photos of her but they put them away, along with her clothes and toys and her name was never mentioned again

It was as if she never existed.

Sorry, I should have added that my sister died in 1960.

My grandparents lost a baby to cot death in the 1950s. It wasn't talked about. My grandad still to this day gets upset and angry if anybody mentions something in any way related. Hes never had a chance to deal with it, he's in his 90s now :( Really sad.

Everything was brushed under the carpet in the 50s... I was born then so I know from growing up.
Maybe part of post war "recuperation"?
Just get on with it, kind of thing...

Even before then everything was taboo...

I, m so sorry you had to go through that experience. I hope it helps you being able to offload here.

So sorry op.

I think Silvercatowner has the key to it. I too
50 and my parents were both evacuated during the war, my dm didn't see her dad for 2 years and her mother for 1 year after being told they had just gone for a walk. She has huge issues since with confidence and trust.

I think my grandmothers generation were quite frankly traumatised on masse after living through 2 world wars. Unimaginable horror.

I am more than sure that you were loved but people thought that getting on with things And not discussing things was the best way.

Dreadful sad stories here.

My Dad died when I was 14. The extent of the support I got from any adult was a one particularly nice teacher saying that she was sorry to hear of his death. And one other commenting that she was surprised to see me back at school when I turned up the day after it happened.

This was less than 20 years ago.

This thread has helped me. It is obvious that in the 50's and 60s that was "just the way it was" - perhaps the strangest thing is that my Mother who did get support never got over Stephen's death but my Dad who "had" to bottle it all up went on to find happiness in his life, but only after he divorced my Mum.

My heart goes out to everyone on this thread. And that line from Talking Heads, gets me every time too.

I have my own story. When I was 11, my mum tried to kill herself. One day she was there and the next day, when I got home from school, she wasn't. I didn't see her for eighteen months and nobody ever told me out my sister what was happening - this was in the 80s. She was in a psychiatric hospital and weren't allowed to go and see her.

It's hard to put into words how it felt, even now.

My brother died when I was a young teen, in the late 90's. It was barely mentioned afterwards, I had to be strong, and whilst a couple teachers were really supportive and friendly, I never received proper help until someone realised I was self harming a couple years after.

Not saying it's right, just don't think people know how to cope with stuff like that.

I had this feeling when my dad died. Not as early as you, It was in 92 and I was 9. He was ill in hospital then he died following an operation. I was told by my sister after I returned home from being out for the day with relatives of my bil. It wasn't really talked about with me at all and I went to school as normal on the day of his funeral.
I remember going to a friends house a while later and she had the soundtrack to The Bodyguard on tape and I made her play it over and over whilst i cried under her covers, that's the closest I ever really came to publicly showing my grief.
The whole thing now just feels surreal, like I wasn't part of it at all. I don't think he was really mentioned again until I was as adult and even then only in passing. Twas an odd way of handling things and one I try not to imitate as much as I can.
Hugs to you OP, losing your twin must have been a massively difficult thing to live through.

I have made my peace with Stephen now. I had the bitter and resentful years until I got married - the don't think about it years until I retired - then the finding closure moment at his graveside very recently. His picture is in the lounge alongside my Mum and Dad's (they have both been deceased for some years) where it belongs.

I'm glad you found peace.

I suspect the support your mum had was largely ineffectual and allowed her to remain stuck at the point of Stephen's death - she could show how upset she was but there was no help to let her re-engage with life, especially the life of her surviving family. While it's crass to think someone gets over an experience like this, with the right support it's possible to keep the relationship alive without hurting surviving children and partners.

It is quite possibly a factor in why your parents broke up as divorce is very common after the death of a child, especially if one partner is seen to be 'moving on too soon' or alternately 'wallowing in the past'. The break up allowed your dad a new start but brought added brokenness to your mum.

It's very sad but 'the past is a different country. They do things differently there.'

My dad died when I was 9. He had become disabled and had ended up living back with his ex wife and older adult children. My mum told me but for some inexplicable reason I was instructed to keep it a secret from my younger brothers. Of course I told a friend who immediately blabbed to my brother. My mum treated me like I'd betrayed her. She didn't understand that a grieving and shocked 9 year old needed someone anyone to talk to. My older siblings (adults btw) withheld the details of my dad's funeral. In my frantic mind I thought he was still alive and I was being tricked. I used to wait by the window for him. It sounds daft but I was 9. I needed proof. I was denied the chance to say goodbye. I was his daughter too. I don't even have a picture of him.

You poor thing, I can't imagine what that must be like, I'm so sorry.
My cousin died in 1969 she was 21 and had lung cancer.
The family went through hell, as you can imagine.
Nobody was allowed to mention her name to her mum and certainly encouraged to get on with it. My auntie was a regular church attender and had a strong faith, but she never went again.

DS2 and his friend have done a fundraiser for Winston's Wish just last weekend. As a now grown up bereaved child I support them so much, I would have benefitted so much from help when my dad died. I was 6 and expected to get on with it, my mum was told that being indulgent was a bad idea, that children bounce back if you don't make a big deal of things. I identify so much with the poster who mentioned grieving properly later on. When I was about 18 I realised what I had lost and missed out on and it hit me far harder than I ever thought it would. In 2017 dad would have been 100 and I'm planning to do a marathon for Winstons Wish to finally commemorate him properly.

My brother died in the 80s aged 9. I didn't go to funeral, wasn't given the option. Parents thought I was too young.

People chatting would say quite openly in front of me "Oh, that's the little girl whose brother died blah, blah" as if I couldn't hear, or wasn't there.

I remember the perennial refrain from friends and relatives, "now you have to be a good girl for your poor mother".

No one ever questioned whether I was sad. I never really got to grieve because I wasn't allowed to.

And by the age of 10 I was thoroughly fed up with the amount of adults who cast up to me the fact I was an only child - "you must be a very spoiled child" (I wasn't) as if it a personal failing on my part.

I think the prevailing thinking was that children don't really feel things, or instantly bounce back. It's probably only in the last 20 years that the issue of sibling loss has been given much any attention.

Thank goodness we now live in more enlightened times.

Nothing close but I remember in 1980 my mum being late to pick me up from school. I was 4 or 5. She arrived to tell me she gone for a fire extinguisher as neighbour house on fire. Neighbour died. Nothing was mentioned and I had fire dreams for years after and hated walked past her house. Years later another house burnt down near where we lived and I couldn't walk past it. Wish now someone had talked to that five year old about it. But it was no one close so why should they...

Oh, OP, your post has made me cry. It's so sad that you had to go through that, and perfectly understandable that you felt the way you did.

All the other posts are so upsetting too, there is so much sadness in the world :(

to you all who have suffered loss

Winstons wish is a wonderful charity.

I lost my mum whilst I was about to sit my GCSEs - in some ways I'm proud of how strong I was able to be at the time, and I was pretty together when I lost my dad as well although I was older then of course (29.) my brother took his own life eighteen months ago and this hit me very hard, though.

However, I do think there can be an element of it being good to build up some resilience and the 'stiff upper lip' - of course, some examples on here are awful but in general, we CAN cope and cope well and effectively.

YY to all of these, and

Another aspect of The Silence, which also did a lot of harm - two friends of mine (to my knowledge; there may be more) had children who were disabled in some way, and placed in "an institution" from birth. I know nothing about these children, except that they exist, as they're never spoken of. They must be around 40 now. Their mothers visit them once every six weeks, again without speaking of it.

And the abuses permitted by all that silence!

I think my grandmothers generation were quite frankly traumatised on masse after living through 2 world wars. Unimaginable horror.

I do agree with this. It makes you realise how special those adults were, who managed to show real kindness and empathy to children despite all the stiffness. Fond memories of my suffering grandmothers and a few teachers ??

My nan had 3 sons all died before teenage years, I suspect if the condition wasn't genetic and could be passed on it wouldn't had be mentioned.

My mum told me, nan has never spoken about them.