To think it would benefit my 2 sons if their grandad's house didn't have to be sold in the future for care home fees

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We have 2 sons (aged 16 and 18). Everyone knows about the dire prospects of any teenagers today ever getting on the property ladder. My sons have always been close to their paternal grandparents. Grandmother died 4 years ago after having Alzheimer's for 7 years. She ended up in a home for last 6 months as my father in law looked after her at home.

He is now 81 and has been diagnosed with dementia. We own our house outright. My husband has one brother who is married, nearly 5o with no children. He owns 2 houses outright, one which he rents out.

We save extremely hard for our future and hopefully house deposits for our sons but the outlook is very bleak from reading the papers/watching the news and I find the outlook for their future very depressing - will they be living with us until they are 40

After the diagnosis my brother in law said he thought it would be a good idea to get his dad's bank balance down as he has nearly £90,000 in the bank. He and my husband withdrew £3,000 each a few months ago with my father in law's approval But I think it is too late for this to make any difference to any possible future care needs. Even if it was reduced to under £23,000 which I understand is the threshold limit for contributing towards your care, the care home would say the house had to be sold.

I am sure my father in law would like to see his only grandchildren live in the house when he passes away, rather than it being sold for care home fees. My brother in law has no children to worry about, has a brilliant final salary pension and a very large bank balance.

I don't know why he came up with the idea to start reducing the bank balance when it will make no difference to his dad having to fund his care if the time comes. No more money has been withdrawn yet but my husband is burying his head in the sand over this and is just agreeing with his older brother.

I do not want a penny from any estate, I would just love to see our sons get a helping hand for the future but this would be via us as the will is 50/50 between my husband and his brother.

I am a very positive person and don't get depressed about much but I feel utter despair at the housing prospects for today's teenagers.

Please tell me if I am being out of order .

YABU. I do not think that children are more important than elderly people. You think when people get past a certain age they stop suffering when they are ill? And your sons' potential future difficulty in affording houses rates higher than this suffering?

I have no problem with my house being sold to pay for my care in the future as basically I view it akin to moving house - albeit to a new home shared with others & carers. I wouldn't expect as a young person to move to a new home (either through choice or change in circumstances) and be able to keep my original home so why should I just because I'm old

^This.^

I really find the whole "I need to leave my home to my children, so you (the taxpayer?) can pay for me to live where I choose." People behaving as if an ordinary house is a stately home. It's ridiculous. We all should be paying our way, together with some general collective help, which acknowledges our shared humanity and interests: the NHS, free education, Child Benefit, benefits in times of sickness and joblessness.

But not owning 2 homes just because you're very old!

I despair with these concerns which place monetary value on human life, getting out the calculators to work out what a human being (family member) is worth, speculating "how long they've got", how much bunce they will need to see them through til they kick the bucket. Plots, schemes, intrigue. Yuk!

Thank God DP and I come from very small families, we don't see any vultures circling round our skeletons any time soon.

We have taught DS to never ever place any store in inheritance, its the work of the devil. The memories we have taken time to build with him, he will value a million times more.

And we have placed miles of distance between anyone who we think pose a risk of these conversations.

op has utter despair for housing prospects of teenagers but no mention of any despair for poor father in law, yes you are out of order do you really need mn to tell you that?

The memories we have taken time to build with him, he will value a million times more.

I'm sure everyone thinks that, daisychain, but when it's your completely senile mother-in-law sitting in a home, you do rather think that it's all a waste of money. If someone was in a nice care home, enjoying the food, social life and facilities, then very good - but in the pil's home it's just a sea of people who don't know their families any more, who are doubly incontinent, and to me would appear to be in a terrible state of purgatory.

YABU, if you are not willing to provide the care that your FiL needs, or to pay for it, he will have to sell any assets that he does have to fund it. Why should taxpayers fund it if he has the means? My grandfather is all funny about it too (he did sell his home but is in an independent living situation) as he has this little obsession about leaving a certain amount as inheritance for his children. I'm not sure if he's hinting he wants us to provide care when needed. I am his only relative left in the city. My parents are unable to due to their own poor health, my aunty offered but he didn't want to move in/close to her as she lives on the other side of the continent, he is not on good terms with his son. However, there's no way I would take on something like that knowing that he does have the funds to afford care. I'd much rather he spent it all in his last years living comfortably rather than endure his foul moods, moaning etc full-time in the hope of an inheritance. It would probably kill me, or my relationships, first.

My DM has a huge estate but doesn't understand it's value. I keep having to fight the vultures off her which is why I want to make sure she passes her assets over to us sooner rather than later.

There are some very manipulative people out there.

*its

"My DM has a huge estate but doesn't understand it's value. I keep having to fight the vultures off her which is why I want to make sure she passes her assets over to us sooner rather than later.

There are some very manipulative people out there. "

Yes I agree your DM does need to watch out.

Bloody hell, your mother does need to watch her back doesn't she

lainiekazan the situation you describe with your MIL, that's heartbreaking. My friend's DF (who was like a DF to me too) was in a private nursing home for 2.5 years, just a shadow of his former self, robbed of his personality, not recognising us when we visited him for birthdays, Christmas etc, so I can fully empathise with your situation. They had to release money from his estate to pay for nursing care, the family would not have coped with the specialist care he needed.

My point was that we have tried our best to educate our next generation, in our case DS, in the importance of creating and valuing happy memories of real people, not thinking about inheritance. i remember hearing a relative say to their DD "you want to hang in there, she's worth a bob or two". To me, that message of even thinking "hey, I might be in line for some money ..." is such a negative expectation to set

I'm pretty much in the same situation as your sons. My parents own their house outright, my grandfather has advanced Parkinson, owns a valuable house and we're trying to figure out how best to pay for his care. I'm currently renting and have no idea how I'll ever be able to buy.

But you know what, it's his money, his house, and he's worked bloody hard throughout his life to get it. Right now I just want him to spend his last months as comfortably as possible, and if that means selling his house, so be it. I'd never forgive myself otherwise.

I'm not sure it's setting a very good example to your sons to try and profit from their grandfather's death so they can have a leg up in life, either. Times are tough right now, for everyone, and clearly they already have a supportive family. They'll manage.

Yes mum, there are some very manipulative, grabby people out there so please sign your house over to us quicksmart ....

I expect unrealhousewife's mother would want her estate to be passed on to her own children there's nothing wrong with that.

Nor is there anything wrong with helping an older relative sort out their finances so they get what they want, even if it does mean you benefit.

If the time comes, I sincerely hope my children do everything they can to ensure that they get my estate instead of it going to the government, but hopefully I'll have it sorted long before then.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to leave your kids something. There is something wrong if you expect others to fund any care needs you might have so that you can leave your children something.

I could answer that, but I'd be going round in circles and repeating myself, so I won't!

I am a bit late to the thread but I do like the bit where op says 'if you don't have funds and have enjoyed yourself'
oh do fuck off dear. I have no funds I work very hard. No savings. No nights out. No new clothes. I exist. I wouldn't say I am actually enjoying myself. Just existing. Because my private rental is crippling me.

I doubt the OP was aiming her comment directly at you Frog.

That may be the position you are in, but not everyone who doesn't have assets to pay for elderly care is in that position. Some have chosen to live their lives they way they want to when scraping by to pay a mortgage could have been an option. Oddly enough, people have differences in their finances.

No she couldn't have been. I have only just turned up !

I agree with WooWoo; My father was most proud of the fact that he had something to leave to his children. He paid his dues all his life in the expectation that he and DM would be cared for in their old age. DM does not really understand that she is funding her own care; she thinks that DS and I were able to share the proceeds from the sale of their house. Even when she gets down to her last few thousand, she is not really allowed to keep that and leave it to her family, it will be needed to top up the fees.