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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do hell - how can I make the other bridesmaids rein in the cost?

69 replies

Trainersandaches · 14/06/2014 20:37

I'm a bridesmaid alongside the sister of the bride and another friend for a wedding later this year.

For her hen do, we are going to a European city. I said I thought it was expensive but have been shouted down by the other two who said the bride would love it. The justification was that once we got there, it would be cheap.

However, flights from London are over £200, plus £135 for accommodation each (there are 16 of us), plus meals and activities. Now the chief bridesmaid has suggested going to a supperclub-type-place which is £15-20 for main meals - to me, that is what I'd expect to pay in this country, let alone Eastern Europe.

At every stage I feel like I have been the only one saying this is all insanely expensive. There has already been a 'British' hen do!

I don't want the other hens to think I'm behind making them pay over £500 for a hen weekend - WIBU to put my foot down and find us somewhere cheaper or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:
CrapBag · 14/06/2014 20:39

No you should not suck it up. It is ridiculous that they are spending so much of other people's money on a hen do. You won't be the only one who doesn't want to/can't fork out this much.

Tell they it has to be reigned in and a sensible budget agreed on. And don't let them shout you down.

CrapBag · 14/06/2014 20:41

Can you get together with some of the others in the party (ones that you suspect won't want to spend as much) and talk to them about the spiralling costs? If there are a few of you saying its too much then you can't be the lone voice shouted down by the ridiculous few.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/06/2014 20:41

I'd email around to check availability and budgets. If the bride is normal/reasonable she'll have a lovely weekend whatever you do. There's no need to financially cripple all her friends. I think you have a responsibility to plan sensibly, it's not fair to commit a load of people to significant spending unless they've opted in.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/06/2014 20:41

If you're the only one concerned about the price can you just say 'sorry, I can't afford to come, have a great time without me'?

thebodylovesspring · 14/06/2014 20:42

It's fucking ridiculous. Set your stall out now.

Tell them 'If you are going to the hen do then this is what you can afford' any over that then great wish them
Well and see you in the day.

Also very crass in my opinion. Class is not all about cash.

catgirl1976 · 14/06/2014 20:42

Tell them you can't afford it and a lot of the other hens will likely be in the same situation. Which will lead to people not going or dropping out or being miserable because they are not going to enjoy something they can't afford.

Ilovexmastime · 14/06/2014 20:42

Why don't you ask the other hens what they want to do?come up with analternative cheaper option and give them the choice?

OddFodd · 14/06/2014 20:44

Is anything booked and is the bride okay with spending that kind of money? It sounds like they're getting really carried away. What about the rest of the hens - will they want to/be able to spend £500+?

Hen dos seem to have got ridiculous - if you've already had one hen do, why is there another one? I loathe hen dos - unless you're a big bunch of mates, it's basically a group of women who don't know one another very well spending far too long with other

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/06/2014 20:44

If nothing is booked yet then put your foot down! Can you get the bride onside? If she has any sense she will want to rein it in too.

glasgowstevenagain · 14/06/2014 20:44

Others will thank you for reigning it in

OddFodd · 14/06/2014 20:44

with one another

Blindlyshining · 14/06/2014 20:44

I think they should work backwards so decide on a budget and then make the trip fit the budget.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 14/06/2014 20:44

Ring round and get a max budget from all the other hens.

Imsuchamess · 14/06/2014 20:45
Shock
glasgowstevenagain · 14/06/2014 20:45

You could get a week abroad for 500

givehimaninch · 14/06/2014 20:45

There's absolutely no way I would pay this to go on a hen night! Staggeringly unreasonable and presumptuous. I really think you should be forthright and say so.
Mind you, even before dc, I wouldn't have considered going out of the country for hen do - and I don't like the unique combination of awkward and raucous that is the hen night.

CombineBananaFister · 14/06/2014 20:46

Crikey that is such a LOT of money for a hen do. If you can't afford it, say so - please don't bloody bankrupt yourself for the sake of a glorified piss-up, is the bride even aware?.
If it's only the other two bridesmaids ploughing ahead with the expensive plans the others may be grateful you spoke up, if everyone is in on the planning then they may be ok with it but it doesn't mean you can't bail out?
Am sure the bride would want you to be able to afford the actual wedding and the uk hen do rather than the expensive holiday Hmm
Can't believe how much is expected of bridal party nowadays.

Scholes34 · 14/06/2014 20:47

On a budget of £8,000, what luxurious accommodation/weekend's entertainment could you get in this country?

Waimaz · 14/06/2014 20:48

I would politely say go ahead and do this, without me, as I cant afford it. simple. you were asked to be a bridesmaid for a reason, and it definitely isnt on the condition u pay a ridiculous amount for a hen do.

Doingakatereddy · 14/06/2014 20:49

So £500 each for 16 of you. That's £8000. Eight bloody grand for a hen do???

Tell them to stroll on

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 14/06/2014 20:49

Don't go! From personal experience it's far better to make a stand than go along with it to avoid a fuss. Be honest too and say its because you can't afford it. There will be others who are thinking the same.

SamanthaJones · 14/06/2014 20:49

YANBU at all
Speak up!

expatinscotland · 14/06/2014 20:51

Let them go ahead. Tell them you cannot afford it.

MostWicked · 14/06/2014 20:51

I just don't get these expensive hen/stag dos.
If you're all loaded, then fine, but otherwise, it needs to be priced at a level that everyone is comfortable with.
Yes need to speak up clearly and firmly.

Original poster
Trainersandaches · 14/06/2014 20:52

Whew Christ I am so relieved, I thought I was being really tightfisted. I just think it is outrageous to expect people to fork out that for a weekend.

One friend who has a daughter very reasonably said she'd be able to take her away for a week's holiday for that cost. It is being organised by the bride's younger sister who doesn't seem to understand that, yes, although it is VERY SPECIAL that the bride is getting married, it isn't quite so special when there are half a dozen other weddings in a year.

If I wasn't a bridesmaid, there is no way I would go abroad. The wedding will necessitate another hotel stay. The bride said before Christmas she would sack me as a bridesmaid if I was pregnant (my DH and I would love a baby, not that she knows) and she wasn't joking. I went to the English hen do last week and she didn't even send a text afterwards to say 'thank you for coming' or acknowledge that I had travelled 250 miles and given up a weekend for it.

To be honest the whole thing is so joyless that it is pushing a massive wedge between me and the person I thought was my best friend. She keeps texting me for photos from my wedding, phone numbers of suppliers etc (I got married last year) without saying please or thank you and it is getting right on my tits now.

OP posts:
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