Hen do hell - how can I make the other bridesmaids rein in the cost?

[Trainersandaches]

I'm a bridesmaid alongside the sister of the bride and another friend for a wedding later this year.

For her hen do, we are going to a European city. I said I thought it was expensive but have been shouted down by the other two who said the bride would love it. The justification was that once we got there, it would be cheap.

However, flights from London are over £200, plus £135 for accommodation each (there are 16 of us), plus meals and activities. Now the chief bridesmaid has suggested going to a supperclub-type-place which is £15-20 for main meals - to me, that is what I'd expect to pay in this country, let alone Eastern Europe.

At every stage I feel like I have been the only one saying this is all insanely expensive. There has already been a 'British' hen do!

I don't want the other hens to think I'm behind making them pay over £500 for a hen weekend - WIBU to put my foot down and find us somewhere cheaper or should I just suck it up?

For that sort of money I wouldn't go.

We are comfortably off but I'd prefer to downs that sort if money on a family holiday with the children or on something for the family.

I couldn't justify more than £100 for a hen do (but have never been on one that is anything more than a meal out)

Especially as there has already been a hen do (I read that right, yeah?)

God she sounds a nightmare bridezilla

Stick to your guns

Goodness, she is 'in the zone' isn't she!!

Have missed LOADS of responses! The bride doesn't know because it is all going to be a surprise.

Ok, I am going to email everyone and say 'How much money do you want to spend while we are there'. Then, once everyone has said, we can work backwards and calculate where we can afford to go.

We are not all loaded - I earn a fair wage but live in London and am careful with money. Many of the other hens are happy to put holidays etc on credit cards which I would never do.

Oh I'd try and get pregnant then - solves the problem. Even if I could afford it, I think it's a ludicrous amount of money to spend on a hen do

Wildings there has indeed already been a hen do with her mother and grandmother - cocktails in a 'sceney' bar, meal for 12, tourist attractions, prosecco etc. IE what most people would have for their entire hen do.

Holidays on credit cards!! Good grief I don't even have a credit card.

Have the 16 invitees committed to coming or are they still to be invited?

perhaps the way to approach it is 'have a quiet word' with the bride.

I know this is meant to be a surprise but I'm concerned that some people are getting a little carried away and that the thing they are currently planning is so expensive many of the invitees, self included, will have to pull out which will obviously be massively disappointing to you. After all the important thing for you is that you have all your fave girls with you. Maybe you can ask them to make sure what they are planning is affordable to all as you would hate for anyone to miss out.

And what Swedish says. Getting pregnant sounds like a lot more fun.

Waffly they have all committed and paid their own flights I believe.

I agree, talk to the bride, because say she doesn't need to know the details, but can she put a budget for the total spend (so flights, hotels, activities and rough meal costs) for the hen do, and realistically not expect her friends to spend more than £200 all in.

I'd also talk to the overexcited bridesmaid, say this is too much, most won't go and you are also going to pull out. Say that with half the budget, say £4k, you could do something rather fabulous in the UK. You could spend £2k renting a fabulous location in the UK for a weekend, then £1k getting caterers in, possibly spend £500 on hiring a beautician for the day to come do treatments at your rental...

There's a huge budget, and i'd spend £250 on a luxurious weekend in the UK at a push, but £500? No chance.

oh poo, flights already booked? too late then! Surprised you've got 16 commited, that's pretty good going, she must have friends with cash.

What is it with people who think that getting married suddenly means you should get special privaleges ? She has chosen to marry someone who she loves and at this point in time imagines spending the rest of her life with , well done her , you are going to her wedding to celebrate that fact and wearing a possibly hideous dress to boot . Why the hell should you then fork out £500 plus because she is getting married ???

Getting married is special (or should be ) to two people , everyone else turns up for cake

OK I have written a very lighthearted email saying, 'Hi Hens! Bridesmaidzilla is away but has sent me a suggestion of a meal venue. Before we book anywhere, though, it would be great if you could let me know a ballpark figure you'd like to stay within for the whole weekend. Personally, much as I love the bride I'd rather keep it within £120 for everything' cos I'm not made of money

My fear is that I'll have a 'quiet word' with the bride and she won't agree with me! She is nearing the feeling 'the Royal Wedding was nice but they could have made a bit of effort' levels.

I'll tell you what will happen if costs stay so high: people will either drop out and lose the money they've already paid as they will think that is better than wasting more OR people will attend but will be resentful of the cost. How awkward will it be got everyone to be eagle eyed over who has extra garlic bread at the meal? Neither of those will make for a great hen do.

I think I'd get in touch something like this.

'Hi [organizer who fails to listen]. Hope all is going well with plans. Sorry to say, but as you know I've been struggling with the costs here it's beyond what I can afford. Your plans are exactly what [bride] would love, so please don't feel bad! I'm just working out how to cancel my plane ticket*. I did love the idea of it all, it's just I'm realizing I'm in a bit of a financial tight spot (!), and all the extras were mounting up for me.

Hope you all have a great time,

Hen who fucking hopes you take a hint.'

Would that work?

• Yes, probably this isn't financially sensible, but she might realize you have a proper issue here.

Mary and frumpet I completely agree with you both. Swedish I would dearly love to be pregnant. One day!

We are not a rich group of people (I certainly am not) but the feeling seems to be that we should go along with what the chief bridesmaid suggests.

I have said at every juncture I think this is really expensive but I don't feel we can ask people to pay for posh dinners on top of everything else - if we'd wanted to do that we should have stayed in our hometown or London where the bride and I now live.

It is just living beyond certainly my means, and I imagine everyone else's too. I have never been on the many 'citybreaks' a few of them often go on together - if I had spare cash my DH and I would go away together.

Be strong. I asked for a cheap hen do for mine as I know how annoying it is to spend a fortune on a hen weekend, especially ken the bride may not

I went to spain for a friend, which cost a bomb, who I then fell out with on my hen weeknd, for many reasons, but, one thing that pissed me off was that I had to subsidise my hen weekend to pay for a stripper I had explicitly asked not to have and some lame ass cheerleading lesson.

I has also subsidised my other friends hen weekend to keeps the costs down as I knew I could afford a bit more.

I hated my hen weekend and ended up falling out with some very old friends, I guess I just found out that they didn't really know me very well at all.

Moral to my rant, stand up and be heard. Cheap cheerful and what the BRIDE wants, not the bridesmaids.

Then I think you need to take a stand and do what LRD suggests, and let some of the other hens know you have pulled out of going.

Realistically, you ca'nt afford it. I'd send a message to the bride along the lines of "I don't want to tell you what the plans are for your hen do as you know it's all supposed to be a very exciting surprise for you - however I'm struggling financially to cover this, and the costs have got rather a lot higher than I thought. I hope you have a great time but I just can't afford it."

then leave it.

I organised my best friends hen do earlier this year. We started with a plan A, but one friend said she couldn't afford it, so sorry but to leave her out. (

Sounds like the others may be happy to go whether they can afford it or not.

Point being, either its more important who the guests are - in which case you cater to the most broke - or she cares about where you go, and accept that not everyone will go.

And exactly that. ^^

If it's too much for you pull out. If she decides to sack you off then you'll know where you stand with her.

LRD I actually feel like doing that!

Mothertobe I asked for a cheap hen do too, that is the galling thing! The bride was my chief bridesmaid and I explicitly said that I didn't want anything too fancy for my own.