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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hen do hell - how can I make the other bridesmaids rein in the cost?

69 replies

Trainersandaches · 14/06/2014 20:37

I'm a bridesmaid alongside the sister of the bride and another friend for a wedding later this year.

For her hen do, we are going to a European city. I said I thought it was expensive but have been shouted down by the other two who said the bride would love it. The justification was that once we got there, it would be cheap.

However, flights from London are over £200, plus £135 for accommodation each (there are 16 of us), plus meals and activities. Now the chief bridesmaid has suggested going to a supperclub-type-place which is £15-20 for main meals - to me, that is what I'd expect to pay in this country, let alone Eastern Europe.

At every stage I feel like I have been the only one saying this is all insanely expensive. There has already been a 'British' hen do!

I don't want the other hens to think I'm behind making them pay over £500 for a hen weekend - WIBU to put my foot down and find us somewhere cheaper or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 14/06/2014 21:41

If I were you OP I'd send that email but instead of adding the "personally I'd like to keep it below 120", which might look a bit too much like you're imposing your preferences on the group and ruffle bridesmaidzilla just ask for the ballpark budget as you have and add "e.g. Up to 50 quid, up to 100, up to 200, up to 500, or 'money no object, let's hire Ryan Reynolds as a stripper!' "

That way you'll have an unbiased list of what people would really like - and if everyone else wants a big posh girls' weekend away you'll have to drop out gracefully.

ChasedByBees · 14/06/2014 21:43

Have the other bridesmaidszillas already booked their flights for the European break hen do? I absolutely think YANBU but if it's got to the stage of booking flights, then it seems a bit late to be cancelling. I'm assuming all the hens know of the plans and are booking their travel now?

FWIW, it seems ridiculously extravagant to me and I'd want to cancel too, but if flights have been booked there could be a big fallout.

NinjaPanda34 · 14/06/2014 21:45

YANBU. I went on a hen long weekend to Edinburgh. Paid the best part of £300 for accommodation, travel, meals etc, (Hen paid nothing), and to top it all off, the week after the hen the invites came out and I was the only one out of 15 on the hen weekend to get an evening invite. Everyone else got a full day invite. It was like a smack in the face. It was like I was good enough to fork out £300, but not good enough to go to the full wedding (where there were 150+ guests!!) I think hen weekends have got totally out of hand. Put your foot down, I'm guessing other hens will be feeling the same. Good luck!

wafflyversatile · 14/06/2014 21:45

I don't know who Ryan Reynolds is. Is Channing Tatum available?

shebird · 14/06/2014 21:48

Your bridezilla friends sounds exactly like someone I know who's wedding has taken over not only her life but the life of her family and bridesmaids. There have been several meetings, afternoon teas, spa days, hen dos, post hen dos, dress fitting days. Her bridesmaids are 'required' to be on call 24/7 and if they are not willing to drop everything when summoned to an emergency meeting about napkins or flowers there is major sulking. The bridesmaids have to take almost a week off work to stay with her at the wedding venue and attend yet more fittings, rehearsals, hair and make up trails etc. I doubt even Kate Middleton put as much time and effort into the royal wedding. The bride is totally consumed by it all and doesn't give a second thought to the cost and burden placed on her friends. I doubt their friendship will ever be the same.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 14/06/2014 21:49

YANBU

Put your foot down oh how I wish I could / would take my own advice

Hen dos are getting ridiculous, SIL had 3. My best friend complained about how much cash and time SIL's wedding cost her but now it's best friends wedding she's doing the exact same think. Grrr

CSIJanner · 14/06/2014 21:55

Ninja - that's shit! :(

shebird · 14/06/2014 21:57

WTF is wrong with people? 3 hens dos and a lavish wedding will not make your marriage any happier. Is is some sort of attention seeking like a child wanting a great big birthday party.

Ourma · 14/06/2014 22:00

OP, when is the wedding? Is it too late to pull out of being bridesmaid? If she can sack you, then by default you can resign. Perhaps you value the friendship too much to do so? But it will save you a lot of hassle and money because the hen party won't be the end of the expense. I predict bridal party drinks, dinners etc in the run up to the wedding.

Laymizzrarb · 14/06/2014 22:45

If you are spending £500 on a break, far better to go away with your DH, where you can relax, rather than with a bunch of people, some of whom you hardly know.

Darkesteyes · 14/06/2014 23:54

Im 41 and have never been to a hen do.

There is an article in this months Marie Claire about EXACTLY this sort of situation.

4 years ago I had to travel to another part of the country for a wedding. I couldn't really afford to go even though me and my friend knew the bride and we all used to work together. my friend drove us up there (4 hour drive) I told her several times I couldn't afford to go but she kept on and on and ON! and during that weekend I had to give her £45 for petrol and we had 2 nights in a hotel. And while we were there she wanted to meet an old friend of the bride behind the brides back who the bride fell out with years earlier and I had to go with her and keep quiet about it (my friend was the bridesmaid) because of this she got behind with her bridesmaid duties and spent the entire time moaning and shouting and blaming this on the bride when she and I were alone. I started to realise the only reason she wanted me there was for company on the ride up. And on the long ride home she spent it shouting and moaning at me as well.
I occasionally respond to her on fb but have decided to keep her at arms length. It really has affected our friendship. I saw a side to her I didn't particularly care for.

Original poster

Trainersandaches · 15/06/2014 17:48

Ok, armed with all your advice I sent my cheery email.

I can't pull out now, it is all too close to the time and I am a bridesmaid so it would ruin my friendship with my friend who is still oblivious about where we are going etc.

Have had two replies back saying it sounds 'brilliant' to stick to a budget of £120 when we get there, which I am pleasantly surprised by.

Plus another private message from a hen I have never met saying she has SIX hen dos this year to go on and has just got married three weeks ago so really wants to keep costs down - I'm not bloody surprised!

Thanks for all your help and I hope this will be better than I think it is! Hen do is in July.

OP posts:

SwedishEdith · 15/06/2014 17:51

Brilliant! I bet they're really relieved you sent that message

Darkesteyes · 15/06/2014 18:10

Be prepared for someone to kick off about it. Theres always one.

Dukketeater · 15/06/2014 18:18

I was a bridesmaid for a relative when just 18 and at college, the hen do was a weekend away that cost £500+ a person (my mum paid for me & her as I couldn't afford) , I had to make a 300 mile round trip 4 times for dress fittings and we (my parents) spent £150 on the wedding gift - no thank you from bride and divorced in less than two years!

She then Remarried 2nd hubby abroad and I declined to attend as would have cost us £3k and an 11 hour flight with my 9 month old, she had a party back in uk 300 mile round trip the weekend after my first week back to work - declined as couldn't fit in the travel without going for just one day and driving home again straight after because of just going back to work... My parents went, gave them £50 and a bottle of champagne and no thank you again...

She isn't coming to my wedding as its too much travelling for her baby... (300 miles round) ... Despite my parents sorting out peoples rooms and me hiring wedding nannies...

I kind if regret everything we done for her first wedding :/

1luvgosling · 15/06/2014 19:42

If I were you, I would be definitely trying to get pregnant, then you would be free! Had a friend who did the same last year. Once you've had an expensive hen do, wedding outfit, hotel etc etc, attending someone's wedding starts being ridiculous. I'd never do it, I'd hate to think people were stressed about money because of me. She sounds like a princess.

Montegomongoose · 15/06/2014 19:48

No, YANBU. These things get stupidly put of hand; all that money and for what?

You are also fabulous for using rein correctly.

Reign is what the monarch does.

As you were

phantomnamechanger · 15/06/2014 19:55

YABU - ridiculous overpriced hen/stag do's are one of modern life's great mysteries to me! I just don't get why anyone would waste their money on them, it's not like they are only favoured by celebs/rich people.

When the people organising have no regard for other peoples wishes or budgets, it's disgusting IMO.

GroupieGirl · 15/06/2014 20:26

I didn't have a hen do. But judging by all this, I could probably have one now.

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