I think I probably am. And entitled. And grabby.

[Caff2]

So, I'm prepared for a flaming. We have had a REALLY bad year. I lost my job, and I was equal wage earner with my OH. We are really struggling to keep heads above water.

When all the bad stuff happened, we swallowed our pride and asked my parents if they could help financially. We sat down with them at their request and did an incomings and outgoings sheet. My mum and dad said they would - to the tune of paying our rent which is £750 a month, so VERY generous. They would do this untiDS2 starts school so I could afford to take a low paid job. This would mean we would be fine and able to pay other bills.

They did this the first month after my money stopped - but this month have said they've changed their minds and we will have to manage.

AIBU to be upset and worried now?

I knew that Caff, it was other posters and your parent/brother who suggested it should be deducted from any future inheritance.

I struggle a bit with all this "fairness". I think we need to treat our children equally but that doesn't necessarily mean the same. e.g. one sibling might be blessed with greater intelligence or another talent that gives them much higher earning power. That's not "fair" but it's how things work out sometimes. Do parents still have to give gifts etc exactly equally? OTOH maybe one sib is much better off because they work a lot harder, or have just had better luck, again does everything have to be the same? Which child is the better off can change over time too.

If I had a big lottery win would it be right or wrong that I still got half of anything my parents leave?

Even when they're children does it have to be exactly equal all the time? DS1 needs a new bike, does that mean DS2 has to have a gift of similar value even though he has a lovely bike?

DS1 has a very expensive hobby. DS2 could go if he wanted, or could do something else of equal cost but ATM doesn't want to. Am I supposed to make sure he still gets his share though? Things and circumstances are different for everyone, even within a family.

I don't think you were being grabby. I wonder if your brother would have accepted a similar cash gift from your parents if he were in need?

About ten years ago my mum loaned my sister a substantial amount of money, both my mum and sister asked if I minded.
My reply was that a) it was my mums money so she could do what she wanted b) there but for the grace of god... it could have been me in a situation where I needed some help.

Me and DH were in a similar situation. DH needed a job, and FIL needed help around the house, so he hired DH to come by a couple times a week to help out. Then one day he just randomly cut us off with no warning (and still expected the same help every week, which is a whole different topic). Luckily he's an only child.

We've managed to get by though, and he got a new job. Budgeting sucks, but it's doable.

YANBU to be upset. They offered the money and then took it back. It's also a bit odd that they would discuss their finances with your brother over something that doesn't concern him. My parents have helped out my brother and I have no idea how much they've given him or how they've helped out. I don't care, it's none of my business. If I asked that would be extremely rude and my parents would put me in my place pretty quickly.

Thanks - I think if I posted all the details of how my life has gone spectacularly wonky, people would think I was a troll as it's truly been a series of unfortunate events!

Not you, Caff, some of the other posters who've had the audacity to refer to 'deductions from inheritance'. Unbelievable.

I'm glad you are more sorted Caff. Maybe you could name change for a while, something LemonySnicketty. Then when Caff came back we could cheer for you

Your brother is being a nosy pillock, but I suspect that's what brothers are for (DH's has wombat tendencies too). Good luck.

Sorry Caff, I hope you didn't think I was referring to you as 'waiting for the inheritance' - I absolutely didn't mean you at all.

Hope you find a way to get all sorted.

It doesn't sound to me like the brother "is waiting for an inheritance" either. That's why he wasn't interested in the fact that he would apparently inherit more when his parents died.

I don't think that the brother has done anything wrong really. OP's parents presumably asked his opinion on whether he would think it fair for OP to have money now while he receives more inheritance and he gave them his opinion which is fair enough, I think.

OP yanbu to be upset as your parents did say they would help and to pull the help so soon and unexpectedly is not nice for you. I would be upset also that my parents were discussing my business with my DB to be honest and I say this as someone whose sibling has had a LOT of help from my DP.

My DSis needs the help, shit happens and her life has gone a bit tits up. I don't think my DP should have to help her out but they want to and so it's none of my business. I have offered to help out my Dsis instead but my DP want to do, which is their business and tbh I love them even more for it.

Maybe the brother is being misunderstood. maybe he is concerned that by paying this money (which is a lot) that they won't have enough for their retirement. So yes, then it would affect him. Yes, they were misguided in pulling the offer but that's quite a big commitment to honour.

If my brother lost his job and my parents helped out to prevent him and his family losing his house I would hardly describe it as 'unfair'. . If they didn't stump up I'd offer to help myself.

cutey he used the words 'unfair', that speaks volumes.

At different points my parents have helped one of his three children. They worked out ways of ensuring no child lost out. We have all been supportive of each other.

Your parents shouldn't have offered something they were uncomfortable with but maybe were a bit over-enthusiastic without realising the potential cost.

Your brother on the other hand sounds like an absolute arse. So he would rather his sister and nieces / nephews were in danger of losing their home than take a few grand off his potential inheritance.

I'm glad you've got something sorted. As far as your brother...it would serve him quite right if they spent the bloody lot on cruises and fine wine!

Thanks for perspective, everyone. As I said we have worked out a good arrangement now. Just to clarify - my parents have a lot of money. As does my brother. Noone would be going short.

I think I would be really happy if this brother could give me a call and say something nice.

Let's hope your brother never needs their or your help.

My PIL's declined to help when we were struggling so we made other arrangements and got by - their money, their choice. What hacked us off though was when SIL was in a hole financially they came up with money as soon as it was asked for. So, they were happy to give to their daughter but not their son...... Good old SIL though said that if they were going to give her money then it was only fair to take her brothers (my DH, and BIL) into account, which they did. It was fine in the end, but an interesting moment nonetheless!

Glad you're sorted for now, hope things improve for you all.

Glad you have come to another arrangement with them . But its still shitty, even more so when you say they can afford it and your brother is ok as well.

He sounds like a petulant arse.