I think I probably am. And entitled. And grabby.

[Caff2]

So, I'm prepared for a flaming. We have had a REALLY bad year. I lost my job, and I was equal wage earner with my OH. We are really struggling to keep heads above water.

When all the bad stuff happened, we swallowed our pride and asked my parents if they could help financially. We sat down with them at their request and did an incomings and outgoings sheet. My mum and dad said they would - to the tune of paying our rent which is £750 a month, so VERY generous. They would do this untiDS2 starts school so I could afford to take a low paid job. This would mean we would be fine and able to pay other bills.

They did this the first month after my money stopped - but this month have said they've changed their minds and we will have to manage.

AIBU to be upset and worried now?

They won't help at all now? To go from offering £750 a month to nothing is a bit extreme. Maybe they've had bad financial news?

Hi, sorry only just got back to lots of responses. I know it was a big offer - I didn't expect them to offer so much. Anyway, I have spoken to my dad and we have come to a different arrangement which involves a loan rather than a gift, although tbf I was expecting to pay the money back when (God willing!) circumstances get better. My parents' original idea was that it would come out of inheritance eventually (hopefully a long way off, of course), but my brother for whatever reason wasn't happy with that.

There are good reasons I can't work at the moment but it's quite unusual circumstances I don't really want to post on here, sorry.

I think it's terrible that they withdrew the offer just because your brother went huffy about it - that's very petty of him and says a lot about him. Glad you've come to a loan-type agreement and I hope you find work soon .

£750 would get you little more than a pathetic hovel in the really awful part of town where I am in East Anglia.

What is your brother usually like? Do you have a good relationship? Is he struggling at the moment with money also?

If my parents paid my sisters (large) mortgage for a few months I might have a small twinge of 'I hope that's coming out of the inheritance' but I'd know that was horrible and keep quiet. While offering to take the kids out, or go round with a food shop or something. But suppose if I was also struggling, or had in the last and parents hadn't helped, then I'd be more likely to be resentful.

I think YABU, you can't rely on that amount of money from your parents every month, it's too much.
Also based on the info that you have given (not being entitled to much) then your income is not that low. You need to cut back as much as you can, if you're still struggling then maybe look for somewhere cheaper to rent. It's shit I know but that's just what you have to do if your current rent/lifestyle is unaffordable.

What's your brother's financial situation like? Is his household income similar or lower than yours? I'd be pretty pissed off if I had a sibling whose income had dropped from 60k to 30k for example and my parents paid their rent for them when I was managing to support my family on 26k.

I think it's unfair from the people saying it's too much to expect from the parents after they offered.
we have no idea of their financial situation. many many very rich parents subsidise their DC for life. Sometimes to the tune of thousands of pounds a month.
not mine, obviously but am now going off to datdream about having an "allowance" as a friend of mine uhad.

I think it is sad you are in this situation, but I would equally be really annoyed if my parents decided to give my brother £750 a month and not me, it's a huge amount of money.

You obviously had childcare in place as were working before and also have said you could take a lower paid job if your parents helped out with cash but are now saying you can't work. Maybe it's not just the brother, maybe they don't see why they should hand over huge amounts of money a month when you are not willing to help yourself.

If after a job loss you don't find work within your savings period or contributions based JSA, then sometimes you just have to really cut back and move to somewhere you can afford. It can always be reversed when you start earning again.

Expecting adult parents to help out in an emergency is fine but every month for what looks like at least 2-3 years is selfish and entitled.

But it's not his money, it's theirs. People saying it's unfair seem to think the money is the children's and therefore should be parcelled out equally. It's the parents' money to do whatever they want with, including helping out one child more if they are in trouble.

I don't think Caff is entitled or grabby. I don't think there was an expectation on her part - the offer came from the parents. I think the brother needs to put himself in her position and be less bloody selfish. I in sincerely hope he doesn't have financial troubles in the fuutre.

I'm glad you have come to a slightly different arrangement Caff - this whole situation has been shitty right from when you were at Employment Place A. You've had a run of the most outrageously bad luck and I really, really believe it will come to an end soon. You are ace x

Well the parents only offered after they were asked.

It really is nothing to do with the brother though.

But perhaps he made them see that they were overstretching?

Still, there's now a solution.

My parents helped my brother out a lot when he lost his job and needed to pay his rent and not once did I begrudge him getting the money because the alternative might be him becoming homeless. And he's my brother! I care about his well being.

Slightly off topic and not aimed at anyone specific on this thread but...
I don't like this attitude of people expecting an inheritance, and calculating it as if it was already theirs. I don't expect to get anything from my parents. It's their money and I hope they spend it doing things they enjoy and drinking wine.

Whatever you do it would be a good idea to document everything properly.

If your parents are going to lend you the money or give you money in advance of any 'inheritance' then I would draw up some documents and do it properly. (Formal loan documents or changes in your parents will)
This way everyone will know exactly what is happening and the potential for causing upset and misunderstandings will be minimised. Don't forget to add in the money you have already had.

It might be worth getting a solicetor to word any agreements to make sure it's done properly.

If everything been discussed and is out in the open and formalised then hopefully there won't be any further problems.

I think it's cheeky of your brother to try and dictate what you're parents do with their money tbh.

And as for being too big an amount to accept, surely that depends how well off they are?

YANBU to be down about them changing their minds, but please don't let it escalate into a falling out its not worth it.

Hope you can get some more work soon, and make it through.

I can see brother's pov. My sis was helped a lot when we were young. At the time I mind. If anything I felt a bit smug about the fact that i didn't need it! My parents insisted on giving equal to me each time though which seemed necessary at the time.However 15years on Sis is far better off than me, if they hadn't made things equal i think might be a bit sore that she'd had a lhad of cash i hadnt

I don't like people expecting an inheritance either. I sincerely hope my parents have such long/active/interesting lives there's anything left but equally it's theirs to leave to charityetc as they see fit. They did thebit for me when they brought me up able to earn Amy in living

fgs. didn't mind, seemed unnecessary and nothing left!

I am glad OP has found a ssolution though. I ddon't think there's anything wrong with parents (or anyone else) helping a child who needs it if they can comfortably afford it.

YANBU. They shouldn't have even discussed the arrangement with your brother, never mind retracted the offer based on his opinion. I am glad you have managed to come to an arrangement though.

Apologies caff couldn't wade through all the 'rent out your place and sleep in a hammock under the fly over' posts, and missed yours.

Glad you've sorted it :)

This all seems a bit weird (though Caff I am happy you found a solution!) I expect my mum helps out my siblings with money now and again, one has had a crisis in his life, the other struggles on a low paid job. She helps me out as well and I pay her back money whenever I can. I would never dream of asking her if she does help sibs out or resenting it if she did ("omg he got £50 and I never, UNFAAAIIIRRR"). She's my mum not a cash machine!

Even if I asked her "do you help out X with his rent" or whatever, she'd not tell me. "It is none of your business and you should know better than to ask". I find it very strange that private details like this are shared about everywhere.

I think that you're parents have handled the situation very badly and you are not being unreasonable to be upset with them. They shouldn't have offered you money in the first place if they couldn't have afford it.

I would also be extremely unhappy that they discussed my circumstances and the fact that they were lending me money with a sibling. Although I think that parents should treat children equally regarding money they there is no need to discuss what they are doing and the rationale behind it.

I agree with Alpaca wholeheartedly. It's not at all nice to be actively keeping an eye on 'inheritance'. That is grabby and very disrespectful. Any inheritance is not a right.

If a parent has to step in to help out an adult child then there's obviously a problem that they need to help with. It's nobody else's business. I'd be counting my lucky stars that I wasn't in a position of needing help and wouldn't begrudge it to my brother(s). I'd be trying to help them too.

I'm honestly not actively watching out for an inheritance! They brought that aspect up, not me! I love my parents very dearly, and the thought of them dying is truly horrible.

My brother, this one, and I are not close, no. We were unhealthily competitive growing up and don't have much to do with each other now as adults, although we are civil whenever we see each other (Christmas). He, for example, has not contacted me once since my life went pretty seriously tits up. Not a call, text or email.