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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I probably am. And entitled. And grabby.

93 replies

Caff2 · 14/06/2014 17:23

So, I'm prepared for a flaming. We have had a REALLY bad year. I lost my job, and I was equal wage earner with my OH. We are really struggling to keep heads above water.

When all the bad stuff happened, we swallowed our pride and asked my parents if they could help financially. We sat down with them at their request and did an incomings and outgoings sheet. My mum and dad said they would - to the tune of paying our rent which is £750 a month, so VERY generous. They would do this untiDS2 starts school so I could afford to take a low paid job. This would mean we would be fine and able to pay other bills.

They did this the first month after my money stopped - but this month have said they've changed their minds and we will have to manage.

AIBU to be upset and worried now?

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 14/06/2014 18:16

How sad. But perhaps not irreversible. It sounds as if your brother has complained. Perhaps you need to promise to repay it, or say that what they give you now comes out of your future legacy, or something. Then he would probably stop objecting to this, and you will have your financial security back.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/06/2014 18:17

Yanbu to be taken aback and disappointed but......what the fuck? You were relying on your parents giving you £750 a month for the foreseeable? That is just...sorry but it's ridiculous. Are you in crippling debt or something? How can your household pot be £750 down? Even on benefits you can get by, and you have an earning partner. Your rent is less than mine, so it's not a massive mortgage you can't get out of.
They were unreasonable to agree then take it back. But you should never have asked for it in the first place.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 14/06/2014 18:19

Maybe if you post your incomings and outgoings we can help?

Lepaskilf · 14/06/2014 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morethanalittlebitconfused · 14/06/2014 18:24

Maybe ask if they could contribute enough for moving costs so you can move to somewhere cheaper?

£750 is a huge rent even for here in the south east

Is it just the 3 of you? Can you rent a 2 bed flat (here you can get them in a nice area for £550 a month) for the short term?

bobberdobber · 14/06/2014 18:27

Hmm YANBU to be pissed off that your parents have rescinded their offer but I do think YWBU to ask them in the first place. Forgive me if you've mentioned it already but how old is your DS? If he is only a baby I think you were being hugely unreasonable to ask your parents to bail you out to the tune of £750 a month til he starts school

If you were working before, why do you have to wait until your DS starts school before you can find another job?

Viviennemary · 14/06/2014 18:32

Well I can see why you are annoyed. But it was really a massive financial commitment for them to pay this large amount of money every month. Perhaps they have reconsidered and have decided that it really is too much for them. I don't think you are entitled and grabby as they did offer but now the offer is withdrawn. YANBU to be annoyed. If they can afford it can they not give it to you as a loan.

annielouise · 14/06/2014 18:33

Sorry, I think it's out of order. Even if they offered it's something that shouldn't have been accepted as it doesn't sound like a loan. You also don't say how long they've been paying it or how long until your DS2 would start school. Even 10 months is £7,500. A substantial amount of money for anyone to give away unless they're rolling in it. I agree with your brother it's unfair. What happens if he needs help and was told there's nothing in the pot? You're adults now and need to stand on your own two feet. Parents shouldn't have to help out adult children with kids - extreme circumstances withstanding, which I don't think unemployment is. Back up plans need making or you take a loan and repay it.

smartypants1000 · 14/06/2014 18:37

They shouldn't have offered in the first place, if they couldn't afford to do the same for both their children. I do sympathise because we are struggling so much on one income, having economised everywhere we can - but can see your brother's position.

YANBU to be upset at the offer being withdrawn. Would you have been upset if they had said no without first saying yes, then changing minds. We have asked parents to help with one off things, e.g. rental deposit, and paid back in installments but would never have occured to me to ask them to make a regulsr contribution tbh, and we really do struggle to the point of running out of money halfway through the month sometimes.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/06/2014 18:37

Morethan
I do t know where you are in the south east but where I am £750 would get you a very shitty 2 bed or a nice one bed. Moving to a cheaper place may not be feasible.

Morethanalittlebitconfused · 14/06/2014 18:42

In a nice part that has expensive towns but if you go the edge of the burbs a 2 bed flat for £550 is not hard to find.

Where in the country are you OP?

gamerwidow · 14/06/2014 18:52

£750 won't get you far in my part of se london either it's £600 for a room in a house share. However I digress OP I don't think you're entitled but it sounds like your parents have realised what a huge commitment paying your rent would be so have had to reconsider. I agree with others that you need to explore what benefit are on offer or get back to work earlier than expected. Assuming of course childcare isn't too prohibitive because you have been in work before?

JimmyCorkhill · 14/06/2014 18:53

That's crap. They don't owe you any help but to offer and then take it back is so unhelpful. Especially when you've been honest and laid your financial situation on the line with them.

Have you investigated all the benefit possibilities? We were in dire straits this time last year and thanks to mumsnetters I discovered that I could receive housing benefit despite owning a property and renting another. I also got child tax credits. I was convinced that I wasn't able to receive anything as DH was sort of working (tiny self employed contracts) and we had a property, but we were wrong (to clarify, we rented our 1 bed flat out and rented a 2 bed house for us. Our tenants left and we were desperately trying to sell. We had 7 months of paying both the mortgage and rent, plus 2 lots of council tax).

Try this if you haven't already.

£750 is a pretty normal rent here in the South West. It will get you a tatty 2 bed terrace in my area.

Panzee · 14/06/2014 18:56

I feel for you if it's just because your brother took the hump. When my dad lends/gives money to my brother it matters not a jot to me. I know if I needed help my dad would help. I don't get the hump because he got a cheque and I didn't. We are grown ups now with our own jobs and lives. We don't need one chocolate bar each any more.

diddl · 14/06/2014 18:59

It's sad that they have said no after saying yes.

But as soon as they wanted to sit you down & do outgoings/incomings, I would have said that it was OK & we would sort ourselves out.

You're back to square one, which is a shock, but not worse off.

Canthisonebeused · 14/06/2014 19:08

£750 where I am in a nice enough area with some sought after areas, on the south east will get you a 2 bed sea view apartment or a very nice 3 bed house and garden in town. My rent is far lesser and I'm in a lovely 2 bed house in a nice culdi sac. Certainly not shitty Hmm.

inabeautifulplace · 14/06/2014 19:11

I think that going through your finances first, agreeing a plan and then pulling out isn't nice behaviour. Unless they felt pressured (not by you, but by the situation) and made a choice they shouldn't have.

I don't see that it's any of your brothers business at all. I know my own brother has had more help than me. And he needed it more than I. I would not dream of complaining to my parent about it. Now that WOULD be entitled.

Phineyj · 14/06/2014 19:13

It is mean of your brother (assuming your DPs can afford it), because he should be thinking about his nieces/nephews going without. My DPs support my DSis a lot with £££s when she could definitely earn more, but I always remind myself that most of it goes on the DCs.

GoldenGytha · 14/06/2014 19:47

It is a bit strange your parents have just decided not to help you, after saying they would, could you ask them their reasons?

If they can't afford it, then fair enough, but they should at least tell you.

£750 might rent you a one bed here, if you were lucky, most rents start at about £800/850, I'm in NE Scotland, so it's not a massive rent.

sarahquilt · 14/06/2014 19:52

I can see where your brother is coming from. Even if they were subsidising you for just a year, it's a large amount of money. The only way it would be fair is if it came out of your inheritance. Put yourself in his shoes. I'd say that if the roles were reversed, you'd have a big problem with it. It was pretty ridiculous of your parents to promise it and then withdraw it, though.

SamanthaJones · 14/06/2014 19:55

They shouldn't have offered tbh

What reason have they given for changing their minds? I think that's relevant

Lottiedoubtie · 14/06/2014 19:56

750 wouldn't rent you a studio in this part of the SE so I don't think it's helpful to berate the OP about her rent when we have no idea where she lives ( and there may well be compelling reasons for her to stay in that place)

CrapBag · 14/06/2014 20:03

I think it is shitty of them. If they didn't want to they should never have agreed to it. And I don't understand the posters saying what a huge ask it is, from the sounds of it, you all sat down and done your income and outgoings and they offered to cover the rent.

Now they have spoken to your brother who thinks it is unfair (is he a child btw) and they have changed their minds based on this?

If they couldn't have afforded it then they shouldn't have offered and the certainly shouldn't just go back on it with that shitty excuse as to why they can't carry it on.

AlpacaPicnic · 14/06/2014 20:06

I think it was cruel of them to take back their offer without an explanation.
Have they offered any practical suggestions to how you can 'just manage' without their help?
I would be asking them - How far are they willing to let this go? If you have to relocate to another part of the country to find work, would they be the type of parents who would then fuss about being far away from dgcs?

picnicbasketcase · 14/06/2014 20:08

What is your relationship with your brother like? Is he usually a bit foot stampy and demanding? I think I'd find it quite hard to be on good terms with someone who had done this actually.

I agree with the posters who think they should never have offered if they couldn't afford it or are so easily swayed by somebody else's opinion. Why would they even tell your DB about it unless they were able to offer an equal amount to him, or to reassure him that it would reduce your inheritance by whatever you had had in advance?