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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not punish my dd for calling her stepfather daddy?

64 replies

KarasKite · 13/06/2014 22:53

When exH and I were married he used to get dd to call him by his name instead of daddy as he liked to appear as single We split when she was 14 months and I met dp when she was 20 months. ExH drank excessively and didn't see her much after we split but suddenly was very interested in staking his claim on her and being called daddy once I met dp.

Dp has two similar aged children who we have most of the time and dd started calling him daddy like them just before she turned 3. She knew the facts and that exH was her father but liked being included as dps too, which I feel is understandable. ExH was furious and set about shouting at her if he heard her say it, telling her he wouldn't see her anymore if she said it, calling her by her surname only to reiterate that she's his, talking about family members sharing blood and only loving others with the same blood so.dp couldn't love her like her step siblings and so on.

Dp and I have since had a child together and I'm heavily pregnant. Dds father still bullies her about not calling dp daddy, even though she switches to his name so as not to upset him when she's there. He sees her every 3 weeks at most. Dp is there every day, for the school run, illness, discipline etc. She sees us putting her first and chooses to call dp daddy, though I've sat her Down and explained that it's fine if she wants to switch to his name at any point. Her father thinks I should punish her until she stops calling him it - I.e. If she says: 'can daddy give me a bath tonight?' I'm to say: 'daddy is at his house, but dp or I can bath you' and if she still calls him it she should have privileges removed etc.

Aibu to think she's justified in calling dp daddy and to let her choose for herself?

OP posts:

ilovepowerhoop · 13/06/2014 22:55

I'd tell you ex to fuck off tbh. Your dp seems to be more of a dad than he is. And no, I would not punish her

wafflyversatile · 13/06/2014 22:56

I think you should stick up for your daughter. Hard I know.

It's your exh who needs to understand that just because your DP gets called daddy he is still the all-important sperm donor...

Blueuggboots · 13/06/2014 22:57

Your exH is reaping what he sowed while you were together.
What an absolute selfish arse.
Your poor little girl. Please encourage her to call whoever she wants "daddy". It's not sperm that makes a daddy, it's all those daily tiny things.

craftysewer · 13/06/2014 22:58

When I met my DH my DD was 18 months old. He said he wanted to be called 'his name' and that is what happened. But at that time she was an only child. If I had been in our position I would have been inclined to let her call my partner whatever she felt comfortable with. She has to feel inclusive in her own home and as much as your exH may not like it may be something he has to accept. He obviously feels threatened by your stable family life, but you cannot punish a small child for wanting to be the same as her other siblings.

Shakirasma · 13/06/2014 22:59

Ex is bullying DD. I would stop contact and let him go to court of he wants to see her. Emotional abuse of a child is vile.

craftysewer · 13/06/2014 23:00

I've got to say I agree with Shakirasma. It's all about control with him and he shouldn't be emotionally bullying her like this.

gamerchick · 13/06/2014 23:00

You need to stick up for your daughter.

Your ex sounds like a right tosser.. stick up for her and get him told.

catsofa · 13/06/2014 23:01

It's not up to your ex to say what she should call your DP. Tell him to lay off, and make clear to her that you'll support her in calling DP daddy if she wants to. Also possibly in seeing less of your ex if she's being bullied by him, he sounds horrible.

Kleptronic · 13/06/2014 23:02

I agree with Shakirasma. He is bullying a little girl. Emotional abuse is not acceptable.

appealtakingovermylife · 13/06/2014 23:04

My ex and I split when ds was two.
I was friends with dp before I met ex and it eventually turned into a very serious relationship was ds was 5, he's now 11.
He's called him "daddy" pretty much from the start as he was the one looking after him, taking him on holiday, helping with home work etc etc and he sees his dad once a week and hates going there still.
We've since had dd together and she is 3, know one day that we will have to explain things to her but it's as simple in her eyes, mummy, daddy, me and brother.
If your ex is secure in his relationship with dd, he wouldn't be as threatened. My ds will be writing Two father's day cards out Sunday. It takes special people to be step parents:)

Hurr1cane · 13/06/2014 23:06

My DS calls DP by his name.

My DPs exs daughter (that DP raised) calls DP dad and also calls her 'real' dad dad.

It's up to them. It won't harm them at all. Stick up for your DD

mumeeee · 13/06/2014 23:09

I also agree with others. Your ex is bullying your little girl. She should call your DP Daddy if she wants to. Stick up for her and tell your ex you are not going to punish her.

Original poster

KarasKite · 13/06/2014 23:13

I have said to him that if he were secure in his relationship with dd and satisfied with his parental contribution he wouldn't feel threatened by the name she calls dp. He decided to try and get dd to call his new gf Mummy to 'show me how it feels.' He got dd to make her a card, buy her presents etc and give them to her on mothers day and smugly showed me the photos of her doing so. Dd said later: 'i don't know why she's getting presents, its not even her birthday!' Totally over her head. Totally twisted to try and use/confuse dd like that, IMO. If dd was with her father and his gf 95% of thetime like dd is with dp and I then I'd completely understand if she called his gf Mummy.

OP posts:

littledrummergirl · 13/06/2014 23:31

I have a father- the man who was there when I was conceived.

I have a dad, he married my dmum when I was five. He brought me up, was there when I broke bones, took care of me when I was upset and who is a very important part of my life.

I dont have a dad named on my wedding certificate as they couldnt put my dad and I refused to have my father.

I think in your situation your ex is being a pathetic excuse of a father and extremely unfair to your dd. You have got to put her first though and that may mean you find something else for her to call your dp to avoid her having to cope with your xh ridiculous demands.

Perhaps Pappy or similar. It is the bond between you which is important, as she grows up she will recognise his behaviour as pathetic and will withdraw from him. Concentrate on building her self esteem so she can deal with him.

caruthers · 14/06/2014 00:23

I've sat her Down and explained that it's fine if she wants to switch to his name at any point.

You sound antagonising and unreasonable.

Your Daughters Father may very well be an arse but you chose him to produce a child with you and now you're changing the goalposts.

Mothers would hate it if a "Stepmum" took on the name of Mum and even went as far as to change the childs name to theirs effectively cutting the birth mother right out of the equation.

If your new relationship doesn't work out what happens to your Daughter then?

deakymom · 14/06/2014 00:41

caruthers your sounding a bit harsh here all she is saying is she has explained to the child this is not her dad she is not changing the goalposts her bio dad is as he insisted on a first name basis with her not calling him daddy from day one

my daughter calls her step dad dad she met him when she was 7 she does not know her bio dad his choice not mine btw i tried for a couple of years and gave up waited for him to step up and want to be a dad this has never happened she is 14 now

if stepdad legs it tomorrow the child will still have a mom and dad like always

really don't think its reasonable to punish a child over a name dd wants to fit in and be part of the family its normal she might change her mind one day but its her mind to change

caruthers · 14/06/2014 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 01:23

I took the OP as sitting her DD down and saying she could switch back to calling her DP by his first name caruthers, not saying it about her ex.

'How many "Daddies and Uncles" will the OP's children have?'

And that is totally below the belt.

To me the ex isn't being unreasonable to be hurt by seeing his DD calling someone else daddy (unless he's doing it because he sees his DD as his 'property'), but the way he's going about trying to change things is fucking outrageous.

For a 3 YO (if I've read it right and she is still 3) it must have been pretty scary him going off on one shouting at her about something that made her feel more comfortable at home, and the bit about his current girlfriend/mummy thing is shocking!

What a wanker to use his daughter like that.

You have to protect your DD from him OP, I can't see that you have a choice.

caruthers · 14/06/2014 01:57

You seem to be extrapolating stuff from the OP that just supports your stance.

I'm being practical and in this case it looks like there could be a sniff of parental alienation to this story.

PrincessBabyCat · 14/06/2014 02:03

Nope. I had a cousin who got taken away from his mother and was raised by his aunt. She wouldn't allow him to call her mommy and it caused him issues. Quite frankly he felt left out and like he didn't belong.

This isn't about you. This isn't about exH. It's about your DD and what she feels comfortable with. If everyone else is calling him daddy, and she's not allowed to, that singles her out. exH doesn't like it? Too fucking bad. Work on his relationship with her then.

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 02:05

'You seem to be extrapolating stuff from the OP that just supports your stance'

Are you not doing the same caruthers?

It's how MN works, OPs ask for people to give their take on what they've decide to post. How are you thinking it works then?

The OP doesn't need to say or do anything for her DD to pick up on the fact that her dad's a wanker, if she does back off from him it's all his own doing.

caruthers · 14/06/2014 02:24

I think we'll just disagree.

But carry on carrying on, it might get you somewhere other than square one.

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 02:31

Well if you've decided we'll just disagree, how can I disagree?

I'm not trying to get anywhere or have a stance that needs backing up with peer reviewed evidence, I'm just saying what I think of the OP.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 14/06/2014 02:40

haha Caruthers are you reading a different thread, or are you just reading what you want to read because it gives you the opportunity to have a go at someone?

the OP sat her daughter down and told her she could call step dad whatever she wanted, be that daddy or his name. that isn't parental alienation, that's putting the child's wishes first.

Muffliato · 14/06/2014 06:17

Parental alienation. Ha. It just reads like the ex not wanting to be bothered but feeling threatened now that open has a man who takes care of the dd.

And how many daddies and uncles is totally uncalled for. The open says they have a child together so it's more important that her dd feels secure that she is part of the family and not punished.

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