to not punish my dd for calling her stepfather daddy?

[KarasKite]

When exH and I were married he used to get dd to call him by his name instead of daddy as he liked to appear as single We split when she was 14 months and I met dp when she was 20 months. ExH drank excessively and didn't see her much after we split but suddenly was very interested in staking his claim on her and being called daddy once I met dp.

Dp has two similar aged children who we have most of the time and dd started calling him daddy like them just before she turned 3. She knew the facts and that exH was her father but liked being included as dps too, which I feel is understandable. ExH was furious and set about shouting at her if he heard her say it, telling her he wouldn't see her anymore if she said it, calling her by her surname only to reiterate that she's his, talking about family members sharing blood and only loving others with the same blood so.dp couldn't love her like her step siblings and so on.

Dp and I have since had a child together and I'm heavily pregnant. Dds father still bullies her about not calling dp daddy, even though she switches to his name so as not to upset him when she's there. He sees her every 3 weeks at most. Dp is there every day, for the school run, illness, discipline etc. She sees us putting her first and chooses to call dp daddy, though I've sat her Down and explained that it's fine if she wants to switch to his name at any point. Her father thinks I should punish her until she stops calling him it - I.e. If she says: 'can daddy give me a bath tonight?' I'm to say: 'daddy is at his house, but dp or I can bath you' and if she still calls him it she should have privileges removed etc.

Aibu to think she's justified in calling dp daddy and to let her choose for herself?

Sounds like your ex is being emotionally abusive to your dd

Will you do anything about this Kara or continue to tolerate his behaviour towards your daughter?

'Morning all.
Congrats Karaskite on the (imminent?) arrival

Just popping in to let you know that we deleted one post above because it implied the OP was trolling. If anyone has this sort of suspicion, anywhere on the talkboards, please report the post instead. See www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette). And please bear in mind that we're supposed to be supporting other parents

OP please protect your daughter and stop all unsupervised contact with her dad. He is emotionally abusing her. She shouldn't have to deal with this, it already sounds like it's causing her worries that a 6 year old just shouldn't have. You must do something, it will be so damaging to her.

He is being abusive and your DD has learned to walk on egg shells and modify her behaviour in an attempt to keep him happy and not having a go at her. Just like an abused woman with her abusive H.

Your DD needs help and intervention now. You cannot sit by and allow this to continue.

Teach your dd the phrase, "No, you are my father DP is my daddy"

I think it would be a good idea to let school know what that she is having this pressure put on her. They can also reinforce the idea that it is not wrong for your DP to attend events. D o they have pastoral care ( like the primary I work at) where she can have some time to talk to someone about these issues?

Kara u are right I would never put myself in a position of only seeing my child every there weeks. I have been there except it was four weeks at a time and sometimes not for two months at a time. I'm not judging u and as I said if my ds wants to call my dp dad when he's older and can tell me his reasons for it (such as your dd can at 6 years old) then I would probably let him.

I can only say from my own personal feelings I would hate someone else being called mummy but I am a committed parent like you not a fly by night part time parent. If I was a now and again parent maybe I would have to tolerate it and it would be my own fault.

Your ex is being awful to you daughter thou and I second the posters who have suggested supervised visits for a while. You ex sounds like mine who will never put the child's feelings first and it will always about them so you need to do what ever you can to stop your child feeling like she is.

I am not sure that it is OK to give a 6 year old a choice in this issue. We don't give them a choice as to whether they go to school or clean their teeth or other important stuff, but for reasons beyond me, when parents separate and new partners get involved, 'choice' becomes a major part of the vocabulary. I cringe at the 'my 6 year old doesn't want to see her dad so why should she have to spend overnights with him' type posts because the children shouldn't have a choice in having a relationship with both their parents and leaving the mother, having an affair, or just generally being a complete tit doesn't mean that they don't love their children. Or indeed, that their children don't love them. Being 'child focused' isn't about allowing your child to do what they want all of the time, is it?

I wouldn't personally be happy about my children calling another woman 'mum', no matter how nice she may be nor how positive an influence she may be having on their lives, they are my children, no one elses! For that reason, I would never encourage my children to see my new partner as anything other than my new partner.

Unfortunately, the 'real' father in this case has muddied the waters enormously and it is difficult to have any real empathy with his situation. He clearly has a bit of a control issue which he is taking out on his child. However, I don't think it's OK for the OP to say 'yes, go ahead, call him daddy' because that too feels a bit 'right back at you'. I think perhaps a 'how about we call him daddy Michael', approach might have worked better and would have been a compromise from dad's point of view (although he sounds like no compromise is likely from his perspective) and less of a smack in the face to his obviously less than perfect parenting. I would also try not to engage in conversation about the issue and how 'real' dad is behaving...he is being abusive but I'm not sure it's enough for a court to agree to stopping contact, or agreeing on a contact centre (although I could be wrong). Sometimes when we separate, all we can ultimately do is take responsibility for our own relationship with our children and leave the ex to it.

I think his behaviour is very damaging. He taught her to call him 'name' not you.

I think you need to document everything in a diary, and seek outside help. Note what he says and what dd says, texts, email etc. The picture, the photos etc.
he is destroying his relationship with her, but you need to help with the ea she is enduring each time she visits.

fedupbutfine the girl has a choice no matter what. She cannot be made to stop seeing the truth, not without worse abuse than what her dad is doing to her. I find your advice to not let the girl speak about what her dad is doing to her really frightening, honestly. Leave him to it? You wouldn't say that about any other man abusing her. The neutrality is supposed to be for the child's benefit (ie not badmouthing them so that they think they are bad like their other parent/bad for liking them, not cutting them off from good family members, etc.). This child is frightened of her father. That's serious. This isn't about muddied waters or anything like that.

Why are you so worried about "a smack in the face" to his parenting (he shouts at her and tells her her actions will put her loved ones in prison and tells her to try to hurt her mother - he wants her to be punished for wanting to fit in with her siblings) - why is his self-esteem important but hers meaningless? Why are you worried about a metaphorical smack in the face to him (from a small child!) when it seems possible that she might get a real one from him in the future if he's willing to emotionally harm her this much.

I agree rinabean. Dd already can't talk about her life here with her father for fear of saying something he won't approve of. I'm certainly not going to tell her that she can keep what he says/does to herself. Children shouldn't have to censor themselves to please adults.

What are you going to do about his behaviour towards your dd?

I had to cancel his most recent scheduled contact because of something else he did which wasn't in her best interests so I'm guessing he'll apply to the courts now where I intend to ask CAFCASS to look into all the welfare issues I have.