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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not punish my dd for calling her stepfather daddy?

64 replies

KarasKite · 13/06/2014 22:53

When exH and I were married he used to get dd to call him by his name instead of daddy as he liked to appear as single Hmm We split when she was 14 months and I met dp when she was 20 months. ExH drank excessively and didn't see her much after we split but suddenly was very interested in staking his claim on her and being called daddy once I met dp.

Dp has two similar aged children who we have most of the time and dd started calling him daddy like them just before she turned 3. She knew the facts and that exH was her father but liked being included as dps too, which I feel is understandable. ExH was furious and set about shouting at her if he heard her say it, telling her he wouldn't see her anymore if she said it, calling her by her surname only to reiterate that she's his, talking about family members sharing blood and only loving others with the same blood so.dp couldn't love her like her step siblings and so on.

Dp and I have since had a child together and I'm heavily pregnant. Dds father still bullies her about not calling dp daddy, even though she switches to his name so as not to upset him when she's there. He sees her every 3 weeks at most. Dp is there every day, for the school run, illness, discipline etc. She sees us putting her first and chooses to call dp daddy, though I've sat her Down and explained that it's fine if she wants to switch to his name at any point. Her father thinks I should punish her until she stops calling him it - I.e. If she says: 'can daddy give me a bath tonight?' I'm to say: 'daddy is at his house, but dp or I can bath you' Confused and if she still calls him it she should have privileges removed etc.

Aibu to think she's justified in calling dp daddy and to let her choose for herself?

OP posts:
Muffliato · 14/06/2014 06:17

The op even stupid auto correct.

Longtalljosie · 14/06/2014 06:34

The OP is putting her child's feelings first. Carruthers, I'm afraid the person's feelings you seem to have at the front of your mind is the bio father's. That's not the right way round IMO.

If the child was already calling her bio dad daddy and the OP was insisting she switch that she'd get an unholy flaming, I can promise you.

WaitMonkey · 14/06/2014 07:02

Your ex sounds horrific. Let the little girl choose who she calls daddy. It's your dp who deserves the title.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:09

I would stick up for DD. She has obviously chosen not to do it front of him when he is so horrible about it. What she does when he is not there is nothing to do with him.

WiganandSalfordLocalEditor · 14/06/2014 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MimiSunshine · 14/06/2014 07:10

Carruthers did you purposely only read the bits you wanted to and ignore the rest?

  1. Ex / dad insisted DD call him by his 1st name in order to appear single and baggage free
  2. DD started copying older step siblings by calling Stepdad Daddy.
  3. Ex suddenly didn't like it and insisted he be daddy and new DP 'name' going so far as to shout at & threaten a 3yrs old
  4. OP and New DP have a child + 1 on the way together so hardly a string of new daddies & uncles

Why in this scenario is the ex the most important person who gets their way?

OP seriously ignore your ex but tell him you will support your daughters choice and if he threatens or continues to bully her you will reduce contact and you have the evidence to back it up (keep any messages etc)

meandcoffeeequalhappy · 14/06/2014 07:11

YANBU and your DD should decide. It makes her happy and helps her understand her adults in her life. I think as long as you address him by something else around her, then you are not manipulating anything.

TheWildOnes · 14/06/2014 07:16

My DD started referring to DH as daddy when she was 4 and I was heavily pregnant. I would never tell her this was the wrong thing to do, she sees him as her Dad, he has been there since just before she turned 2 so she cant remember life without him. She knows her biological father and calls him dad, however he provides nothing for her and sees her once a month, if that. She is now coming up for 11 and she sees DH as more of a father as he does everything for her.

TheWildOnes · 14/06/2014 07:16

My DD started referring to DH as daddy when she was 4 and I was heavily pregnant. I would never tell her this was the wrong thing to do, she sees him as her Dad, he has been there since just before she turned 2 so she cant remember life without him. She knows her biological father and calls him dad, however he provides nothing for her and sees her once a month, if that. She is now coming up for 11 and she sees DH as more of a father as he does everything for her.

wheresthelight · 14/06/2014 07:16

Is caruthers the ex???!! What a completely infantile response!! Fair enough disagree but do you have to be so nasty about it??

OP - as a mum and a step mum I can kinda see why your ex is pissed off but he is pissed at the wrong person! He created a situation where he was "ex" and not "daddy" and rather than realising he is a knob amd being angry at the way he behaved he is bullying and frankly abusing your dd. I would make a record of every event of this and consider taking action to prevent him seeing her if necessary as that sort of abuse (because caruthers regardless of whether you agree with the dd calling the new dp "daddy" what her father is doing is abuse) is really damaging.

There is a possibility that my dss will be moving in to live with us shortly which I am fine with (in fact it was my suggestion to solve an issue at his mum's) but I don't think I would ever feel comfortable with him calling me mum. That said if your dd is happy and understands and your dp is happy then I genuinely don't see it as an issue!!

Please speak to your dd's doctor about the effect of her father's abuse and I would also seek legal advice. Perhaps even have a conversation with social services about it because it is abuse and it isn't ok.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 07:24

Whoever Carruthers is- they are someone who puts the adult above the child.

paxtecum · 14/06/2014 07:43

Your X is being abusive.

I know a pair of foster carers who are called mummy and daddy by the five year foster child and I know a 30 year old woman brought up by foster carers who called them mum and dad and still does.
She considers them to be her DCs grandparents more than her alcoholic mother.

Original poster
KarasKite · 14/06/2014 08:02

caruthers where have I said anything about changing my child's name? I don't see how telling dd I love her and won't be cross with her whatever she calls everyone is antagonistic. She hardly talks about her life here to her father because she's nervous that she might use a name for someone (dp, dps children/parents) that he disapproves of and get told off/punished. Therefore he's cutting himself out of her life and realistically barely knows her.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 14/06/2014 08:08

Op please stop minimising this. Your dd isn't being toldoff or opunished. she is being abused

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 08:09

Ignore caruthers, they have a personal axe to grind which is nothing to do with your question.

MoonRover · 14/06/2014 08:12

Carruthers have you been on the sauce?! It's awfully early.

KK I think your dd is telling you and dp who she considers her real father and I think if she and dp are happy with 'Daddy' then that's what she should call him. I think it was wise to tell her she could change if she wanted, you completely took the pressure off her whereas Carruthers your ex is doing the exact opposite and using your dd to punish you too. What a charmer.

Oh and I think what might have happened with Carruthers is a misreading - in your OP, I (and just about everyone else!) took 'it's fine if she wants to switch to his name' to mean 'she can stop calling him Daddy and call him by his given first name' rather than 'I shall fucking change her surname just to spite my ex because I'm antagonising and unreasonable.' [sheesh]

So YANBU. Your dd can choose.

And tbh I do think what your ex is doing is beyond the pale, he is being bullying and nasty to your dd.

Original poster
KarasKite · 14/06/2014 08:26

I agree it's abusive. When I've told him I think this, he's turned it round and said we are abusive by allowing her to think she could have two daddies and pressuring her to call dp daddy. There has never been any pressure, hence why I reiterated to dd that she could call him whatever she likes and it wouldn't change how we/he feels about her. She is now 6 and replied to ask why it changes how her father feels about her if she doesn't say the right thing, then Sad

She minimises things her father says and does about all this and it makes me angry that he manipulates her. For example, he told dd that dp isn't allowed at her school for anything and that if he went there for sports day etc (which her father didn't!) then he'd call the police as it's for parents only Confused dd was worried for dp and cried thinking he'd get in trouble because of her. When I explained that what her father said was incorrect she justifies it as 've must just be sad because he can't come.' Theres no reason he can't come!

OP posts:
grumpydwarf · 14/06/2014 08:39

My ds is 3. He sometimes calls my dp daddy but at the moment I correct him by saying his name. He has a dad who he calls daddy. His dad has only just started to show any real interest and it blowing up in his face as my ds hates going to see him and adores my dp who he has known 2 years and has been there for him.

If he was older and could explain why he wanted to call his step dad dad then I would let him. His real dad would go mental but I'd rather my ds be happy and do what he feels like doing rather than be pressured. I could understand ur ex's upset at ur dd calling ur dh dad but he is going about it all wrong!

What he is doing is abusive and will confuse you dd and upset her. I don't think yabu but I would be devastated if my ds called someone else mummy.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/06/2014 08:44

Of course your ex is a twat.

The bigger issue is how verbally abusive he is towards her when she's with him.

Original poster
KarasKite · 14/06/2014 08:45

But also, grumpy, I presume you wouldn't put yourself in the position where you only saw your ds once every three weeks at most, never had anything to do with his schooling, didn't give him any boundaries and so on? Therefore, he'd be very unlikely to call anyone else Mummy. To be honest if dd decided to go along with her father and call his gf Mummy when she saw her so she could feel she fitted in then I wouldn't be hurt because it'd have no bearing of my relationship with her at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
KarasKite · 14/06/2014 08:49

I agree SanDiego. She returned from seeing him last time and drew her first ever picture of him and his family. There was him with a speech bubble saying: 'i am your real daddy', his mum saying: 'i am your real grandma' etc Sad The endless amounts of pictures she draws of all of us are just simple happy smiley pictures. I hate him messing with her mind.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/06/2014 08:50

You're very passive about this Kara, you wouldn't be hurt about dd calling another woman Mummy?

Original poster
KarasKite · 14/06/2014 08:52

Not when she knows the facts and knows it isn't true, no. A word doesn't change who I am and what our relationship is.

OP posts:
Backinthering · 14/06/2014 09:07

He sounds scarily abusive. I'd actually not want him having unsupervised contact.

UterusUterusGhali · 14/06/2014 09:23

I agree with Backinthering.

I'd be looking into contact centres tbh if my ex was acting like this.

Can you have a word with your health visitor?