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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder if people who end up divorced had an inkling when they got married?

55 replies

Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:32

As I approach my wedding I have a feeling that it really will be 'til death do us part... Maybe I am being naive but I know he is the one I want forever. We have been together for 10 years and have a toddler and I have never had a feeling that I wouldn't want to be with him.
Obviously I hope he feels the same or what would be the point in marrying?

But as more and more people around me are separating and divorcing, WIBU to think that at least one party went into the marriage not 100% sure that this was really it for them?

If any of you are divorced/separated can you tell me if you feel that either you or the ex went into it halfheartedly or knowing it wasn't right or did it develop over time?

I feel like people say too often nowadays 'it might not last' but I really think, on my part at least, that it will last in our case...

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/06/2014 12:07

Yes, I knew my first marriage wasn't right. - Another one with no integrity here, apparently.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/06/2014 12:07

It is my belief that if you enter into marriage expecting anything to change (emotional or physical, commitment wise or respect etc) then that is when you are more likely to split.

Getting up the next day and being happy about things carrying on exactly as before, aside from the legal bit, is the sign that youvemarried the right person.

SquattingNeville · 13/06/2014 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drivenfromdistraction · 13/06/2014 12:12

My dad told me on the morning of my wedding that if I wanted to back out then it would be no problem and he'd sort it out.

I didn't want to back out, and am still very happy 7 years and 3DC later. I don't think he had any qualms either, he gets on well with my DH. I think he just saw it as something a responsible father should say - i.e. making sure that I was completely happy with what I was doing. It was a nice touch.

Divorce isn't on the up, OP. It's actually fallen slightly in recent years, although it is still the case that 42% of marriages are expected to end in divorce. See these Office of National Statistics

Making it past the 8 year mark seems to help (my next anniversary!), and divorce rate falls to less than 1% after the 20 year mark. Although sadly, and obviously, the rate of marriages ending due to death of one partner rises.

weegiemum · 13/06/2014 12:14

I got married relatively young (we were both 24, had been an item since 19/20) and we didn't cohabit first.

I had no shadow of a doubt and 19 years later we're still very much happy and in love (though fatter, balder and tireder!)

I've only been at one wedding where I had a real "feeling" it wasn't right. They divorced after 10 years when he had an affair. But they'd been fighting since the honeymoon.

calculatorsatdawn · 13/06/2014 12:17

Was with me ex for a long time after we should have called it a day (it's fizzled out but neither of us would (wo)man up and admit it). Weirdly we set a date and started planning a wedding on the basis that at some point he would actually ask me and make it official. It then kind of gave us some forward momentum, like we were together because we were planning this great party. Then the reality set in of what that party was actually for and I finished it with him. I think it's telling that he never did 'actually ask'. Spent a few years after that wondering whether I'd done thie right thing, ok it was stale but nothing's perfect we could have carried on and had a family etc and spent quite a bit of time worried that that was my chance and I wasn't going to get another one. Came close on a couple of occasions to calling him and asking if he wanted to give it another go always when drunk

Then I changed jobs 2 years ago and met DP, I'd marry him dressed in a bin bag standing in a pig sty. Or not marry him, I'm not bothtered, as long as I get to be with him I really don't care.

Was it sliding doors that awful film with Gwynneth Paltrow and John Hannah? would love to look at the parralell life of the claculators that carried on and went through with it

BadgersNadgers · 13/06/2014 12:18

My sister knew she didn't really want to get married on her wedding day - it was a shotgun job - she left ex-BIL before the baby's first birthday.

MrsAtticus · 13/06/2014 12:20

I can understand how difficult it is to call of a wedding, once it is all underway. Just before my marriage an issue came up, I don't think it would have stopped me getting married, but it needed sorting and the wedding delaying while it was sorted. This was a very small and low key wedding, but something in me just couldn't find the courage to stand up and halt things. I'm paying for that mistake to this day. I'm not at all surprised that people can't find the courage to call off a huge great do, I reckon the wimp in you would just be saying 'it'll be OK once we're married'.

Sallystyle · 13/06/2014 12:22

I will hold my hands up. I did with my first marriage.

I was 18. Had a child and it just felt like the next natural step.

I have integrity.

I was just a teen who was scared and didn't trust my instincts.

He died 6 months ago today and I have a lot of guilt over it. It is something I have punished myself for over and over; even though I know I was just a teenager.

I have been with my second husband for 8 years and when we married there was not a shred of doubt.

WellWhoKnew · 13/06/2014 12:23

The man I married is not the man I am divorcing. Would I marry that man again, yes. Would I even date the man I am divorcing, hell no.

People do change over time, but also people make some very hurtful decisions.

No doubts about marrying the man. A bucketload of regrets now though.

RiverTam · 13/06/2014 12:26

I knew with XH, I should never have married him.

With DH it's definitely forever, I am older and wiser!

CheeseandPickledOnion · 13/06/2014 12:28

I didn't doubt for one second we'd be together for ever. I believed we'd grow old and die together. But then I was expecting him to fuck a stripper whore and get her pregnant behind my back....

CheeseandPickledOnion · 13/06/2014 12:28

*wasn't

BertieBotts · 13/06/2014 12:30

Not marriage, but at the time we conceived DS I knew that I wouldn't be with XP forever. In some ways I wish I'd been a bit less closed minded because I never considered ending the pregnancy even though I knew (despite trying to make it work!) that it was likely I'd be doing it alone.

BertieBotts · 13/06/2014 12:33

I think it's naive to think that people would call off a marriage if they have doubts. I have known lots of people to not. It's nothing to do with integrity - I think it is an incredibly strong person who can say "Wait, no, I'm not sure about this"

I don't think you can say 100% "this marriage is forever" though because although you can feel it (and I definitely did/do with DH) you just don't know what will happen in the future. Although it's nice to think you can know that nothing bad will happen due to a "feeling" life doesn't really work like that.

BertieBotts · 13/06/2014 12:35

ThinkIveBeenHacked what a lovely thought :) Yes that's exactly what it was like with DH.

OurMiracle1106 · 13/06/2014 12:38

When I got married I thought he was my forever partner. He was the man I wanted to be with forever. 6 Years later I left. He changed. Life and cocaine had taken the loving man i knew and turned him into someone I no longer recognised. I had no idea that it would happen when I married him

allhailqueenmab · 13/06/2014 12:41

I knew 3 couples who married and got divorced very quickly.

One couple was very young. I believe that the woman was in it for ever and the man let her down by not even really understanding himself that he was incapable of being faithful. Ironically she wanted to wait and he wanted to marry.

One couple was older. they had loads of problems that they thought would be fixed by marriage - he had traditional views about women, struggled with her strong opinions and independence and thought marriage would change her and make her more submissive. Again, I think she knew what she was going into and meant it, and he didn't really grasp the level of commitment and was never up to making it to that woman.

One couple were engaged for years and did nothing about it, then someone else got married really quickly and seeing this jumpstarted the bride to want to arrange a very glamorous wedding. I don't think those two were ever really that into it.

I called off a wedding knowing that I would know clearly on the day that it was wrong, and not wanting to have to face the horror of going ahead with it, or the horror of calling it off closer to the time

hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2014 12:43

I thought mine was forever.
I did call off my 1st wedding because I had doubts.
But when I married my Ex, we were both loved up and more than happy.
15 years on, I didn't expect him to cheat, but he did!!!

museumum · 13/06/2014 12:49

A lovely friend of mine was divorced in less than two years because her husband had been having an affair the whole time :( just can't imagine what he was thinking!

Another friend had a short marriage. His wife was crazy and probably on the rebound as was he. We all knew it was a bad idea but didn't tell him. Not sure if we should have.

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 13/06/2014 12:56

reading stuff like this makes me panic!! I'm getting married in August, and massively love DP, who i've been living with for 2 years, and we have a very happy life together. I have no doubt we will be very happy. But everyone's unerring confidence in us (or at least, that nobody has said "are you sure") makes me worry! I think I'm just being paranoid.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 13/06/2014 13:01

I've been married three times, and with each of the first two, I knew they were very very unlikely to be permanent. In fact with my first, if I'd just had the balls to stand up and say NO! and not go through with it, an awful lot of heartache and time and money would have been saved, for both my and xDH.
The second time I was more cynical, and if I'm honest I knew it wasn't forever. That said, he got more out of it than I did I think - he was an alcoholic and had never had a proper job, and I was stupid enough to think I could change him
This time though, I genuinely believe that DH and I will be together forever, til death do us part (and beyond come to think of it, soppy though that might be )
We have no secrets from each other, and we are older and wiser, and can actually talk to each other about anything and everything

Loopylouu · 13/06/2014 13:01

Yes. First time I knew. I hung on for 9 miserable years.

Second husband, shouldn't have married him. I knew I was making a mistake but was trapped by circumstance. We are trill married, I wish we weren't, but again, still trapped by circumstance.

If I ever manage to get out of this, I won't marry again.

Both my wedding days have been miserable affairs.

HappyAgainOneDay · 13/06/2014 13:24

Dukketeater I suppose it might have been a mixture of the two. Rose tinted glasses and all that. Looking back, I realise that he was controlling even before we married. He didn't like the clubs I belonged to when I met him so I gave them up (Rifle Club and Amateur Dramatic Group). I told him I wasn't going to change my name upon marriage and he didn't like that. He said, "If you don't change your name, it'll mean that you don't love me." More and more control during our long marriage. I wanted to do things and he didn't. I did some and found other people out there. I became more independent and took the Big Step rather than stay in the situation I was in.

Blindlyshining · 13/06/2014 13:37

I've been to two weddings where the couple split very soon afterwards. One of them it was obvious that it was going to happen - the entire wedding day and evening felt very loaded with tension. The other one, I was completely amazed at - I knew the groom had staged an elaborate proposal, they seemed besotted with each other, lovely day. Turned out he'd been seeing someone for months too.

Often though I think it can be more to do with maturing differently and realising you want completely different things further down the line and you can't really know on your wedding day that 10 years later you want a relaxed lifestyle but your husband is going to want to take up polar trekking.

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