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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if people who end up divorced had an inkling when they got married?

55 replies

Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:32

As I approach my wedding I have a feeling that it really will be 'til death do us part... Maybe I am being naive but I know he is the one I want forever. We have been together for 10 years and have a toddler and I have never had a feeling that I wouldn't want to be with him.
Obviously I hope he feels the same or what would be the point in marrying?

But as more and more people around me are separating and divorcing, WIBU to think that at least one party went into the marriage not 100% sure that this was really it for them?

If any of you are divorced/separated can you tell me if you feel that either you or the ex went into it halfheartedly or knowing it wasn't right or did it develop over time?

I feel like people say too often nowadays 'it might not last' but I really think, on my part at least, that it will last in our case...

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 13/06/2014 11:34

I know fine well I shouldn't have married my first husband. My best friend says "You only got married because you were too scared to call it off"

She's right.

sillystring · 13/06/2014 11:35

I doubt anyone with a shred of integrity enters a marriage thinking "this might not last". I've been married for almost 30 years and it's been a rollercoaster with some very difficult patches. Often I've considered ending it, but have always been glad that I didn't. You never, ever know what's in front of you. Don't make assumptions that your relationship is stronger than anyone else's or that you'll never face times when you want to bail out.

CoffeeTea103 · 13/06/2014 11:35

I think a lot of people who do get divorced, knew deep down that there were issues but probably thought after marriage it would get better.

sillystring · 13/06/2014 11:36

LtEveDallas, please don't think I'm lumping you with "no integrity", it's a different ball game if you feel scared. Sorry you had to deal with that.

ICanHearYou · 13/06/2014 11:36

I got a pang of worry as we married. We have just separated and he will be my ex husband because there is absolutely no way I want to get back together with him.

Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:37

Interesting to hear that LtEveDallas... My cousin found out 2 years after her wedding when the ExH left her he has been having an affair for 4 years but she didn't have the foggiest idea but he obviously knew she wasn't the only one for him... Yet on their wedding day he cried and done a big emotional speech yet at the time the affair had been going on for two years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:39

This is what I am wondering coffeetea... Is it really that they knew but hoped for better or is love really blind? I have a friend who refuses to ever marry because she is scared to divorce as she saw what happened to her parents

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Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:40

Sorry to hear that Icanhearyou... Why did you decide to go through with it if you had worries? X

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MiniatureRailway · 13/06/2014 11:41

Two of Dh's friends got married just over a month ago and I noticed a week or so ago that she had changed her name back to her maiden name on all her social media. Then another friend saw her out and about last weekend and asked how married life was going (they had just got back from their honeymoon) and she burst into tears. It's very sad but I'm mystified as to why they went through with it.

Someone else I know cancelled her wedding with six weeks to go and it was horrible for everyone at the time (childhood sweethearts, same friendship group, she just didn't feel that way about him anymore)but two years later she is very happy and engaged to someone she really wants to marry.

Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:42

Sillystring I never said my relationship is stronger than anybody else's ... I don't know what really goes on in the OHs head!

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HappyAgainOneDay · 13/06/2014 11:42

I agree with CoffeeTea I thought it would get better but it didn't. Now I've got rid of him, I can see what he was like before we got married. He never changed. His mother had done absolutely everything for him (and her other children) so he expected me to do the same. He never cooked a meal; he never changed a nappy; he never made a bed. In the early days, we'd been married about a month. I got home from work at 5.50pm and he got home at 6.00pm. He came in and asked where his dinner was. I could write a book describing incidents.......

I suppose we got married because everyone in our group of friends was getting married so we did, too. I certainly did not realise at the time what real love was. I found it with my second (late) DH though and I'm so glad I learned that not all men are the same. Grin

Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:43

Happyagainoneday so do you think you married thinking it was forever the first time then or do you think you knew deep down?

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Chocotrekkie · 13/06/2014 11:46

I am still happily married (19 yrs next month) but have been to a few of weddings where I knew/felt it.

One friend of mine from school had been with him for many years and they had kind of grown apart. Rather than call it a day they got married - huge expensive big event as everything between them will be so much better when they are married. All your problems will fade away won't they ? They split before a year was out leaving both of them still in debt from the wedding.

The other couple hadn't been together long - think they only knew each other for less than a year when they wed. She was very religious and hadn't lived together. He wasn't but converted for her.

He left after about 2 years - he resented the huge amount of time she spent doing church things and she resented the fact he wouldnt attend church with her.

Another couple we really suspected he was gay. Unsurprising he was.
They split and are now really happy - she has married someone else and he had his civil ceremony with his gay partner a couple of years ago.
He feels awful about the whole thing but they are friends now.

Another one he was always a twat and she wised up after had an affair.

So out of the maybe 10 weddings I've been to 4 of the couples have split.

If you are genuinely getting married because you love each other, never want to be apart and are willing to grow together it will last..

Good luck Thanks

DoJo · 13/06/2014 11:46

I think that the whole 'cold feet' thing can be a bit confusing. I never had cold feet, but I assume that it can be hard to distinguish genuine feelings of uncertainty about getting married from natural concern about the potential enormity of what you are doing. When you are approaching a wedding, people seem to take it upon themselves to ensure that you 'go through with it' even if you aren't feeling confident in your decision. However, I think the idea of announcing your divorce after a relatively short time still seems less daunting than calling off a wedding at short notice.

I also think it's a bit naive to believe that the person you are with will stay the same, or that you will. Some life events take a toll on our emotional health and mental state, and sometimes people's personalities change fairly significantly over the years. My mum has always said that the man she married was not the dad I knew as I got older - he changed quite a lot over the years, and I have seen it myself that he has got meaner, more self-centred and increasingly unable to see anything from anyone else's point of view. There's not much you can do about something like that, but it can ruin a marriage.

HippieInASecondLocation · 13/06/2014 11:48

I did, but unlike a previous poster suggests I still like to think I have integrity. I got married with the thought way back in my mind, but too scared to bring forward, that this might not last. I don't see how integrity comes into it, but I'll go with naive, insecure, scared, stupid, and lacking in good examples of positive relationships. I truly believed I couldn't do better and it was this or be alone. And that my doubts were normal. And that our issues would be overcome as we both grew older, matured into our 'roles' and had an underlying commitment to each other. Of course none of that happened. So, yes, I married with the idea that this might not work. I just expected he might at least meet me halfway to ensure it did. He did not.

DoJo · 13/06/2014 11:49

Sorry - didn't mean that you were naive OP, just that sometimes people seem convinced that they will be able to weather anything, when actually if it turns out that you no longer like the person you are married to, you can't necessarily do much about it.

Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:49

That is interesting about your dad DoJo because yes if people do really change I can see how you could go into a marriage 100% and then end up separating. I just didn't know if people did change or if it was because you choose to ignore the bad bits in the beginning and then they wear you down?

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Purpleroxy · 13/06/2014 11:50

A bit harsh I think. Sometime people do things that are beyond your control but affect your life enormously.

It's normal to have pre wedding nerves anyway as it's a big thing to do.

HippieInASecondLocation · 13/06/2014 11:51

I think it's the latter - the signs are generally there if you know what you're looking for. Not everyone does.

Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 11:51

Wasn't offended DoJo! Your point was very valid and having said you can see it in your dad too not just your mum makes it seem that it wasn't just your mum having her rose tinted glasses on!

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Happyringo · 13/06/2014 11:57

With my exH I knew he wasn't "the one", no idea why I married him. Wih hindsight I think I was too polite to say no when he asked and then just got carried away making arrangements etc. Having said that I was committed to the marriage and certainly didn't think oh this will end one day....it just took me 13 years to realise it had been a terrible error of judgement. Both now very happily settled with other people - the right people!

ReallyTired · 13/06/2014 12:02

Sometimes people change. Life can throw difficult challenges at you that can change the person you are. In my experience people who got married very young are more likely to ge divorced.

Original poster
Dukketeater · 13/06/2014 12:03

But people are getting married at an older age now and divorce is on the up?

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TheWanderingUterus · 13/06/2014 12:04

My mother was very careful to make sure I wasn't going ahead with marrying DH because I thought I had to, or couldn't back out because of money or family opinion. We had a chat the week before my wedding to DH and she told me that if I wanted to call it off at any point then she would support me 100% and would take care of everything.

She went ahead with marrying my dad because it was expected and she couldn't back out, then divorced very unhappily when I was 21. She told me that she knew I loved DH (and that we were very well matched and everything she wanted in a son in law) but wanted to make sure that I was certain that I wanted to marry him.

DH and I have been married very happily for ten years but I am so grateful that my mum did that, it allowed me to focus through the pre-wedding nerves and jitters and gave me an easy escape route if I needed it. I have seen with my friends that it is so easy to get swept up in all the glitter and romance and excitement of wedding planning without thinking too much about the marriage that comes afterwards.

frizzcat · 13/06/2014 12:06

I have a friend who absolutely knew he shouldn't have married his first wife. They had a good relationship but he knew they weren't in love, (his first wife came to admit that when they split) but there is a certain momentum in relationships isn't there..... Like expectation markers that have to be ticked off along the way. My friend carried on with his marriage for five years with the attitude of "he'd made his bed". However, he realised he had to do something when the enevitable baby chat came around. He said that despite mutually agreeing to divorce, it was incredibly painful and sad.

Another friend married her husband whilst they were still in the "honey-moon" period of the relationship, which is always high risk, as you don't know if you can whether the mundane and storm times (although Im sure there are people that have done this and its all been fine)
Anyhow, one whirlwind romance, one marriage, two dd's later and they have realised they don't really have that much in common or much of a relationship and so are separating. Again incredibly painful and sad.

I think people maybe just it will all work out in the end, but I also think people are so caught up in the day to day that they don't have time to examine in depth, what they are doing, how they are feeling and what they want.