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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did you change your surname upon marriage?

558 replies

Gryffindor · 13/06/2014 00:15

Just that, really? And if you did, did you keep your maiden name professionally?

DH and I have been married a while now but through a combination of feminist thoughts, laziness and professional reputation I haven't changed. All married female friends have changed theirs, often with mind boggling speed!

Aibu to ask?

OP posts:
JackieBrambles · 13/06/2014 12:18

I changed mine, pretty quickly. My surname was a bit crap.

But even if it wasn't crap I probably would have changed it anyway as I want all of us to have the same name (we now have a son together).

To be honest I really don't understand why people feel so strongly about keeping their own name and then allow their children to take their husbands surname just because he's a man.

Although double barrelling is a bit wanky.

Its difficult!!

wonderinglonely · 13/06/2014 12:19

to answer the Q: yes and no.

I kept my maiden name professionally as it is the name in which I qualified. I still work using this name.

I much prefer my maiden name to my married name. Easy to spell, say, no double entendres. In my ideal world, we would have chosen a new name and both gone with it when we got married.

At the children's school I am Mrs Married name. On Christmas cards etc I have no problem being Mrs Married name. I like us all to be the same as a family. Whether my daughters will cling to their maiden names I don't know. I will understand if they are offered something a bit nicer as a married name!

"My" maiden name is my father's name. My married name is that of my husband and his father etc etc. I think this is the nature of the continuity of married and family life. It ties us together. I am happy to have the separation and degree of anonymity at work by using my "other" name. Men can't really do this!

Crandally · 13/06/2014 12:23

No, I didn't. And to people who said, what about your children having a different surname (as if this would somehow traumatise them) I said that my children will grow up being open-minded about not changing your name. It tends to be older people who have a problem with it.

squoosh · 13/06/2014 12:23

'To be honest I really don't understand why people feel so strongly about keeping their own name and then allow their children to take their husbands surname just because he's a man.

Although double barrelling is a bit wanky.'

I agree with you re. so many women automatically giving their children the father's name. And that is the reason I don't think double barrelling is 'wanky'. I think it's fair.

People getting themselves worked up about what will happen when two double barrelled people get married is wanky though. Their names, their decision. Families don't need to have the same name down 50 generations.

SarahF77 · 13/06/2014 12:25

Chocolatemademefat - I'm pretty sure it's you that sounds like a twat, actually.

ShineSmile · 13/06/2014 12:26

I haven't officially changed my surname. However, since having DD I have been thinking about it. Are you allowed to use one surname for work and one surname for other things? Isn't that like identity fraud? Confused

JackieBrambles · 13/06/2014 12:27

It is fair, I agree. But only works if you have two names that work well as a double barrell (ie not too many syllables!).

squoosh · 13/06/2014 12:32

The way I look at it, the syllables will have to find a way to cope as it's a point of principle for me.

JackieBrambles · 13/06/2014 12:35
Grin

The heptathlete Katrina Johnson Thomson is a good example. Bit of a mouthful, like Morrison-Robinson.

aurynne · 13/06/2014 12:44

squoosh, we don't have double-barrelled names in Spain (except for some aristocrats), we simply have two family names each (one from our mum, one from our dad). I often double-barrel mine when I am living at an English-speaking country because otherwise they believe than my first family name is my middle name, and they call me "Ms SecondFamilyName", which would be incorrect (if we have to use only one in Spain, we use our first one).

HecatePropylaea · 13/06/2014 12:47

re the double double barrelling, I think it is fairly sensible to assume that if a Smith-Johnson married a Jones-Baker they'd get together and decide maybe to be Smith-Baker or Jones-Johnson or something.

I don't think they'd go with Smith-Johnson-Jones-Baker (marries a Smythe-Phillips-Jacobs-Ericson becomes Smith-Johnson-Jones-Baker-Smythe-Phillips-Jacobs-Ericson Grin ) I think it is fairly logical to assume it would all just be worked out sensibly.

Blindlyshining · 13/06/2014 13:08

I changed mine.

It felt like a fresh start for me. I have some things in my past that I'm slightly ashamed of and I feel my new name is not tainted with any of that.

I had a few things that I was really proud of work wise in my unmarked name - if I circulate these I just add a note that they were produced before I was married.

ogredownstairs · 13/06/2014 13:08

No. Mainly because I couldn't be bothered with the paperwork having used mine professionally for 12 years before we got married. My surname is just my dad's after all, so still a patronym and I didn't feel strongly about keeping it. DH's surname is nicer than mine and the dcs have his. If I'd liked mine more they'd have had mine - DH totally unbothered. Still causes a problem when I get cheques from elderly aunts etc for my birthday and occasionally paying cheques in, otherwise doesn't seem to be a big deal...for school stuff I often just use Mrs DH for convenience. Haven't tried flying with the dcs on my own yet though - I hear that can be difficult if your names don't match on the passports.

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 13/06/2014 13:10

I'm getting married in August, and really like that lots of people are asking me if I'm changing my name - like it's not a done deal any more, which is lovely! My mum kept her name, and my FIL took MIL's name.

I'm choosing to take DP's name, for everything (just registered for teacher training in my new name, which was exciting and weird). My surname is quite unusual, so I will miss googling myself and only seeing me come up (self obsession emoticon?) but other than that I really like DP's name.

However, I'd really like to keep Miss. I HATE Ms (just don't like the sound or the look) and feel too young to be a Mrs, so I'm hoping that on as many forms as possible I can be Miss DhName. It's worth a shot...

Hedgehog1977 · 13/06/2014 13:10

I didn't change mine - when we first decided to get married it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't, and then I realised how upset I'd be to lose my name so decided to keep it! Our first child, due in September, will have both surnames, sort of run together in one word (it sounds really good!). The first name we've chosen doesn't sound right with either of our two names individually, but really nice with the merged name.

Hx

Soveryupset · 13/06/2014 13:11

I didn't change my surname and people still gasp when I tell them I haven't and ask me "why not?" not sure why it is such a scandal!

I do sometimes call myself my DH surname when I call school as it is easier for them to know who I am. Otherwise it's always my own surname.

DH was upset when I decided not to but then got used to it. I didn't feel I should do it just because of that. We considered double barrelling but it sounded really awful.

Blackduck · 13/06/2014 13:12

Not married, but have a child. Ds has both our surnames NOT double-barrelled, but as one (long) surname - that is because we had surnames that worked together. Having made that decision I hate it when people hyphenate it, it's not hyphenated - its one word..... (and if I ever - when hell freezes over - married dp I think we'd take ds's name :) )

CarmineRose1978 · 13/06/2014 13:20

I'm very tempted. I like my DP's name better than mine, and when you think about it, being named after your father is just as patriarchal. I'd quite like to be Carmine Susansdottir (after my mum - don't they do this in Iceland?).

I have a PHD, and it's common (among the women I know anyway) to be Mrs Husbandsname but remain Dr Maidenname. So I might stay Dr Carmine Rose professionally but be Mrs Carmine Smith as well.

What does piss me right off is that my partner won't even CONSIDER changing his name.

squoosh · 13/06/2014 13:22

It will stop being patriarchal if women keep their own name and give both names to their children.

perfectstorm · 13/06/2014 13:23

"Change your name or don't change your name. No-one cares. But double barreled names? If everyone decided to do that, in years to come how ridiculous would it be? How many names will your grand-children have? Stop it now. No-one is impressed.

And don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks it makes you sound like twats"

I think people who double-barrel are trying to square a circle, which means they're thinking about the issue, which means I respect it. So "No-one is impressed" sounds a tad megalomaniacal, really. I mean, I presume you don't honestly think the entire world thinks as you do? I'm impressed by couples trying to be fair to all sides of the family. And I think it really rather silly and small-minded to assume future generations will lack the intelligence and imagination to combine past names in a way that makes sense to them.

Personally, I think arrogance, and ill-mannered, judgemental hectoring on issues that really aren't anyone else's business makes someone sound "like a twat" rather than careful consideration of how to respect both families involved in creating a child. Each to their own.

purplemeggie · 13/06/2014 13:38

I have always kept my own name professionally and [ahem] was rather glad of it, since in fact I got married, divorced and re-married in the space of five years! Meant I didn't have to share that with colleagues/clients unless I chose to do so!

I did take DH's name outside of work though and I quite like having two names - love LittlePrincess' Clark Kent point. I'm a lawyer by day and an aspiring children's writer in all the spaces round the edge of that, and it's quite useful to be able to have two very different profiles on LinkedIn.

Andrewofgg · 13/06/2014 13:50

Carmine Iceland is not quite as non-sexist as that. If my father's name was John and my sister's name was Susan we would be Andrew Johnsson and Susan Johnsdottir. Our DM's name would not get a look-in. Much like anywhere else, I fear!

fatpony · 13/06/2014 13:54

I have kept my own name as have a professional reputation under it, plus I just prefer it and also think you shouldn't automatically have to take the man's name! However now I am in the tricky situation of having a baby due in the autumn and not sure what to do. DH very much wants the baby to have his surname so I have suggested my surname as a middle name (which is quite common in my family) but he's a bit unsure. Our names don't hyphenate well.

Blackduck - when you say you joined the names together (but un-hyphenated) so you mean like 'Smith Brown' or 'SmithBrown'???

Thanks.

nostress · 13/06/2014 13:57

No I didn't and the kids are called my name too.

squoosh · 13/06/2014 14:00

'DH very much wants the baby to have his surname so I have suggested my surname as a middle name (which is quite common in my family) but he's a bit unsure.'

What's his problem with that? The child will be having his surname.