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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what is your instinctive response to hearing a child is Home Educated?

999 replies

NickiFury · 12/06/2014 16:31

I am really interested to hear general opinions from everyone and hoping for some from professionals such as teachers etc. I really want to know what people think because in the main in RL, the response is overwhelmingly negative. I've had people threaten to call SS on me because ds isn't in school, been told it's "weird" and seen this Confused face a lot.

Now to me home education is a totally normal thing but I suspect this is only because we are immersed in this world and know lots of other HE families (you'd be surprised how many are out there).

What has made me think about this was a friend telling me today that people in our community know of me and ds without ever having met us because we are notorious as that woman who doesn't send her kid to school ShockGrin.

Btw I also have a child who does go to school and is doing well but no one seems to gossip about that.

So what would YOU think if you someone told you their child is home educated?

Thanks Smile.

OP posts:
AtiaoftheJulii · 14/06/2014 01:50

What about random unannounced inspections for all children under playgroup/nursery age? Because they might be abused. Or for anyone at weekends?

We have the idea of innocence until guilt is proven. We don't check up on people to make sure they're not committing crimes (looking in their sheds for stolen goods, perhaps?). We delegate responsibility to schools, which is why they are accountable.

BasketzatDawn · 14/06/2014 01:51

Ha ha! I've been known to 'threaten' my gang with school in the past if they don't knuckle down. I don't know the Duggars, I think - ?? US homeSCHOOLING ultra religious .....

Bogeyface · 14/06/2014 01:57

Basket replace Home Education with Home Birth. Havent done the former but have done the latter, with my 6th child no less. I would die and so would my child according to everyone with an opinion, and it seems everyone has one! My consultant told me I was text book, everything was fine, then I said I was HBing and suddenly I and DD were both going to die. Her of brain and organ damage and me of PPH, the best we could hope for was me and her in a constant vegetative state, she actually said that!

So yes, I know what you mean about constantly explaining a well researched and considered decision and the frustration that causes. I didnt mean for you or others to defend your decision, I was just explaining why I feel that there should be some form of accountability for home educators to ensure their children are being properly educated and socialised in the same way I was happy to explain my own research and decision making process that led me to have DD at home. Because lets face it, forget abuse, there will be parents who HE with the best of intentions, with love and effort and hard work, who simply are not up to the task. Thats not fair on the child is it?

Bogeyface · 14/06/2014 01:59

What about random unannounced inspections for all children under playgroup/nursery age?

I think that would be a bloody good idea tbh, if it werent for the fact that financially and logistically it would impossible.

Bogeyface · 14/06/2014 02:02

The Duggars are fundementalist christians who believe some really quite shocking things.

They belong to the Quiverful movement which is mysoginistic, horrendous to children especially girls, separatist and yes, imo, abusive. Google "Blanket training", Michelle Duggar uses that on her babies. :(

BasketzatDawn · 14/06/2014 02:23

Yes, Duggars, does ring a bell. Not pals of mine though ....

Bogey, I know the very special obstetric syndrome of the well-informed multigravid woman with a mind of her own. I reckoned having babies (and using the delightful UK maternity services) helped prepare me for home ed in fact. Grin

Bogeyface · 14/06/2014 02:53

I reckon they have a panic button in Antenatal clinics "THIS ONE CAN THINK!!!!!!" :o

saintlyjimjams · 14/06/2014 07:12

As someone who has Internet school down as an option for secondary (amongst other options) I am interested in how secondary school aged kids meet others & socialise.

Ds2 hated the last couple of years of primary (bullied, school did not respond well) but has blossomed in secondary - especially socially.

Ds3 is a different kettle of fish than ds2 - tends to be happy with one or two close friends (ds2 more into big groups of friends) but I do worry about how ds3 would get the same level of friendships independent of me without school.

I'm not fussed by the teaching - that can be sorted fairly easily. But how do secondary aged kids make those strong friendships. Ds2 does quite a few out of school activities but hasn't formed intense independent friendships the way ds2 has (mind you ds2 has out of school as well so maybe it is personalities)

zzzzz · 14/06/2014 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sigyn · 14/06/2014 07:51

I think what this thread has really shown is that many people who have real objections to HE haven't actually a. met many HErs or b. tried it yourself.

There's a lot of theorising without knowledge. Until you try it, you don't know. Like so many other parenting things, how people think things work and how they do work differs.

I understand why people are concerned about abuse because I can see that if you don't understand how the HE community works, you would be worried.

I don't think that HErs are helping ourselves either by getting all defensive and "how dare you suggest we are all abusers" (not directed at anyone here btw).

If you look at HE law then yes, it looks like a ripe place for abuse. Abuse among HErs who are part of the community is, I think quite rare though. And the reason for that is simple. Its a close knit community, far more than in school. A struggling family who asked for support on their local facebook group would almost certainly get it. Its a very child centered atmosphere and pretty well absolutely anti-smacking, anti-emotional belittling, etc (in the UK-not bible belters). And also, families spend a lot of time with other families-days at a time. I am not saying that means abuse doesn't happen, it happens everywhere, but I would say HE culture is very conducive to preventing abuse.

I also think there are much easier, simpler ways to keep tabs on HE kids. One reason HE'd kids are under the radar is because there is no funding at all for them, so they just don't interact with government-run services. We've had to have routine medical tests and jabs done privately, for instance, because my GP could not get them done via referral. Fund HE groups and give them a space to meet.

But also, putting a kid though school is something like £3600 a year (varies hugely). Offer registered HErs a small percentage of that, say £500, and require it to be spent on educational equipment or similar, and to have a detailed chat with someone say once a year, and the government would quickly have a list of registered HErs and high levels of cooperation. Yes some HErs would refuse to participate on principle-but as a rule, these are high profile, well known people in the community and they are low risk.

The situation at the moment is that HErs don't have to be inspected but if they are, if the reports are correct, the inspectors used very often do not understand HE. If inspectors were genuinely helpful and supportive and actually had the power to offer something, like a free room for a teacher-parent to offer a biology GCSE class, there would be much higher levels of co-operation from HErs. IMO.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 08:07

Very true, Signy.

It has been an interesting question in that no one has asked us , as far as I know, for our instunctive first reaction. I am sorry I perhaps sounded antagonistic, but I got irritated when people said it was an appalling reaction, as if, having been asked we shouldn't give the truth.

A lot of people appear to have negative views.
I think HEers make it worse by being so defensive all the time. If I wanted to ask a genuine question I wouldn't dare because it would be misconstrued as criticism.

lljkk · 14/06/2014 08:09

I've been known to threaten DC with home-ed in case they misbehave...

Only works with one of the 4 DC. Nice but dodgy card to have up my sleeve. I'm actually the one who would slit own wrists if I tried to HE.

I think most people here have merely reported on their own actual encounters.

Delphiniumsblue · 14/06/2014 08:12

I asked mine- they shuddered with horror! We joke about who would have murdered who first!

Retropear · 14/06/2014 08:13

Sorry as a former teacher I don't think home eding offers the same quality of teaching and expertise.There is a reason it takes teachers 4 years of training.

We have been tutoring 2 of our dc for the 11+ omg the time involved to just research what is a tiny bit of work and then there is the teaching of it.Dp has two high maths degrees so he has been covering that.I've had to cut in several times with how he puts things across,the coverage,order etc,etc.He knows his subject but Jesus sometimes I want to bang my head against the wall re his teaching ability.

Not everybody can teach and most certainly not well.All children deserve to be taught well.

Retropear · 14/06/2014 08:19

And the chances are across 12 years with a variety of teachers most children will have access to many good teachers.If you're stuck at home with 1 untrained person the entire 12 years sorry the chances are significantly less.

kim147 · 14/06/2014 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Retropear · 14/06/2014 08:28

Hope you've got the time.

As a teacher I honed my teaching by teaching a variety of children over several years,being observed,observing,attending prof training courses,hours of planning,research,meetings etc,etc.

A few hours down the library isn't the same.You continuously need to learn.I'm a sahp and haven't got the hours it needs to give to it for one child let alone 3.

DogCalledRudis · 14/06/2014 08:29

Teachers have to manage 30odd kids at the same time, follow the curriculum, get them ready for exams, conform to educational policies that keep changing, etc. Therefore the training.
HE doesn't have to do any of that. After all, if people are not illiterate, surely teaching children to read and write is not some secret mission impossible.

Sigyn · 14/06/2014 08:34

Delphinium

as far as I am concerned, you are welcome to ask any question.

If, irl, someone was quizzing me about my kids, what we did, etc etc, I might not respond so well. People always seem to ask these questions when my kids are around and one kid is hanging off the monkey bars or pointing a sharp looking stick at someone, and then wonder why I haven't given a full and detailed response. But also, I don't really want to have to justify myself with regard to my particular decision for my family. I don't want to be judged and I manage that by not giving loads of info. However, I'm happy to answer very candidly on here. I see HE as a tool, really, with pros and cons and my kids were happy enough in the state system as well.

I think the other thing to bear in mind is that when kids are out and about with their parents they are not necessarily being educated. What I mean is, if you saw us in action at your house, you would not get a sense of what we we when we are sat round the table with the maths books. Unless you've seen someone teach, I don't see how you can tell how good a teacher is. My mum is the ditziest, vaguest, lentil weaver I know-but put her in front of a class of 30 10 year olds and she wins awards for her teaching.

BeeInYourBonnet · 14/06/2014 09:03

My opinions have changed over the years:

15 years ago I would have thought it was what alternative types did so their agenda/beliefs would not be contradicted by 'standard' thought.

10 years ago I knew a family who HEd. They just didn't like the constraints of school. They were night owls who would stay up til past midnight with their young children, then get up for lunchtime. They argued that they didn't feel their youngest (5) would get on well in school as he was quite sensitive. In reality I felt they just didn't want to conform. Their older son put his foot down and started school at 11. His parents weren't happy and he would get himself up and out to school whilst everyone else slept, and really struggled to catch up, bless him. Lovely boy.

5 years ago I thought 'how do people do it?' I was glad to have a break in work and couldn't imagine my DCs listening to me long enough to learn anything! Grin

Now, I kind of get it in certain circumstance. I find school hugely constraining in so many ways - I disagree with solo many things! I'm not happy about my DCs schools excessive religious teachings, their homework policy, the absence policy, reward system, maths teaching etc etc etc. I would HS as they are happy, I work, and they are progressing. But I can see why, if yuoyr DC is unhappy, you would consider it.

BeeInYourBonnet · 14/06/2014 09:04

Sorry I WOULDNT home school as they are happy...

DogCalledRudis · 14/06/2014 09:07

It is pretty reasonable that some families lifestyle is not compatible with school attendance. There are families who travel a lot and kids tag along. Otherwise kids would have to be in a boarding school, and that is certainly not acceptable for a lot of people.

whynowblowwind · 14/06/2014 09:10

My worries wouldn't be educational: I am confident my son learns more outside of the classroom than in it.

My concern would be social, not so much now but in the future. School is a shared experience for most of us.

lillamyy1 · 14/06/2014 09:17

I was home educated until I was nearly 14 and I didn't miss out on anything at all! I really don't get this attitude of people thinking kids can only learn everything they need to know, including how to socialise etc. at school.
I had plenty of friends when I was growing up, HSed (very few of whom were 'weird') and kids that went to school. I spent a lot of time during the week with my friends when they'd come home from school, and went to various kids' clubs like brownies/girl guides and st john's ambulance first aid courses etc when I was a bit older, so never had problems socialising in groups. When I did start school, I wasn't shy or socially inept at all in fact I was one of the most popular kids!
We were lucky that my mum knew a lot of people in the local area who home schooled as well, and we'd all go on 'field trips' to various places of interest such as historical sites. It was a much more interesting and fun way to learn than sitting in a classroom with so many other kids that it's difficult to get individual attention.
I also believe that I had a hell of a lot more respect for adults/authority in general than my schooled peers did. (secondary teachers will probably back me up on this one - a lot of kids are disgustingly rude to their teachers!)

I honestly don't feel that I missed out on anything at all through being home educated (except negative things like having to sit exams at a ridiculously young age, the possibility of being bullied/becoming a bully or exposure/pressure to start smoking/using drugs/having sex too young etc. which, depending on the school, can be difficult to avoid).

HE is definitely something I'll consider when my kids reach school age.
My feeling is that kids deserve to have a bit more freedom, do what they want for a bit, learn by doing, travel about, see different places, meet a wider variety of people and people of different ages and have more time to play and be creative, not to mention spend time with the people who they are closest to: their families. After all, once they become adults, they'll probably be required to spend such a large chunk of their adult lives going to work 9-5 and slogging away out of necessity (I actually love my job, but would much rather be elsewhere every day!)

I think it's a crying shame that there is so much stigma attached to home education. I also think it's incredibly sad that a lot of parents have to drop their kids off at nursery or school first thing in the morning and sometimes don't pick them up again until it's nearly their bedtimes. I worked in a nursery once and it was heartbreaking being the first person to see a toddler's first steps or hear a baby's first word and report it back to the parents later, when they should have been the witnesses.
If there wasn't such a negative attitude towards home education, and if there was more support for parents who wanted to home educate, so many more parents would be able to spend more quality time with their kids, watch them grow and learn, know for certain that they were getting a good education and develop an even closer relationship with them.

DogCalledRudis · 14/06/2014 09:17

I attended school as 'everybody'. But my best of friends were not from school. These were kids from neighbourhood who attended different schools. And at school it was 'dog eat dog' type relationships. Not missing it at all.

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