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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pump in our bed in the middle of the night?

99 replies

Twoplusboys · 12/06/2014 04:39

Ds is nearly 5 weeks and After some latch problems, I'm expressing breastmilk. I pump at every feed for the next feed.

He feeds at 4am every night so I feed him and then I pump for 10mims for the morning feed.

Dp is just after waking and freaking out at the noise of the pump. He thinks it's unfair to pump in out room (with noisy pump) when he has to be up for work and that I should go downstairs to do it. He has just stormed out into ds bed saying I'm selfish!

I think I'm doing it for the sake of ds and he should just put up for 10 mins each night or get some ear plugs. I do all night feeds. He's only done one since birth.

Aibu??

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2014 13:33

I'm not saying there might not be a better way of doing it, which the OP has considered and will do, what with her being a considerate and lovely person.

I'm saying that this; Dp is just after waking and freaking out at the noise of the pump. He thinks it's unfair to pump in out room (with noisy pump) when he has to be up for work and that I should go downstairs to do it. He has just stormed out into ds bed saying I'm selfish! and other people calling her selfish is a little much.

Freaking out
Unfair
Selfish
Stormed out

He gets 9 hours sleep a night and 2-3 nights out a week and she is up at 4am feeding their 5 week old baby. Do you really think that telling someone that they are selfish and inconsiderate is appropriate on a supposedly supportive parenting site? I despair.

SantanaLopez · 12/06/2014 13:38

Supportive doesn't mean telling someone that they are being reasonable when they aren't.

Kelly1814 · 12/06/2014 13:39

YABU unreasonable, especially if DH does the 10 pm feed. Technically you can get a nice stretch of sleep until 4, isn't he entitled to some too?

HazleNutt · 12/06/2014 13:42

How far is your downstairs anyway? Some posters are reacting like he asked you to trek across Sahara or something.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2014 13:43

It doesn't mean calling someone selfish and inconsiderate either. He's freaked out and he has only done one night feed in the 5 weeks. I think I know who is more selfish and inconsiderate and it's not the OP.

I can't see how his life has changed all that much. Going to bed at 10 and up at 7. Out in the week having fun. No night feeds. Going to work as normal. Do you think it is appropriate, considering that, for him to behave as he did in the OP?

SantanaLopez · 12/06/2014 13:48

OP is breastfeeding so I'd be pretty amazed if he'd managed to do many night feeds at all in the early weeks, unfortunate but an occupational hazard.

Appropriate? No. But at 4am 5 weeks into parenthood, understandable.

Virgolia · 12/06/2014 13:50

YABU, why should both of you be sleep disturbed? Just invest in a quieter pump if you can't be bothered to move.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/06/2014 13:52

Where's the 9hrs sleep? I genuinely can't find that. He does a feed at 10 pm and sleeps until 7am. Granted assuming its lights out as soon as the baby has crashed back out again (because they are always prompt like that) he possibly gets a solid 8 hrs, he's hardly sleep deprived but it just seems a little unneccessary if the OP is going to head downstairs anyway.

If the OP asked if we thought 2-3 nights out a week was unreasonable with a 5 week old (with feeding problems) and two older children to look after I would tell her to kick her DH soundly in the ass. She hasn't asked that....

As someone who had to pump every feed for 12 weeks I will totally accept that it's a royal PITA [ can we have a new acroynm RPITA ] to do it, but personally I found it was a lot easier to sidle out of bed 10 mins before DD woke, pump and give her a bottle as quietly as possible in the dark, put her back in her cot and scoot off to sterilize and be ready for the morning;

Much easier than thoroughly wake her up by pumping in the same room, feed her and hope that she'd doze off quickly again while I went for a wander to the kitchen. It would all be easier with a spare room but there isn't one.

OP - maybe you should agree to the kitchen pumping, in return for your lost 1+hr of sleep [never mind the evenings out], DH sets his alarm for 6.30 and does something useful before work like emptying the dishwasher but including bringing you a cup of tea in bed on a tray with all the sterilzed pumping stuff, before he disappears for the day leaving you to get the kids out to school.

emms1981 · 12/06/2014 13:53

If he has to be up early for work I can understand him being frustrated but at the same time getting up for night feeds is no fun either. He is probably just tired, I have been known to shout at my husband when hes been making a noise and Im trying to sleep. The first few months are so draining

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2014 13:54

Well, DD was easy to settle at 10am and a fucking nightmare at 4am so maybe I am projecting a tad. Still, just the solid 8 hours sleep.

VisualiseAHorse · 12/06/2014 13:57

YABU.

SirBoobAlot · 12/06/2014 13:59

He's being unreasonable. Lack of sleep comes with a new baby. Seeing as you're up expressing to feed a child which is jointly his and yours, he should be a bit more considerate.

RE latch problems, however, on a side note - have you seen a breastfeeding specialist?

sarahquilt · 12/06/2014 14:04

if you're awake to do it anyway, what difference does going downstairs make? No point in waking him too. YABU.

TarkaTheOtter · 12/06/2014 14:10

Feeding/pumping at 4am is grim. Doing a feed at 10pm is nothing in comparison as you're up anyway. My dh would want me to be as comfortable as possible during night feeds and would creep off to the sofa if he felt his sleep was suffering. He then feels incredibly guilty that he can't help out more at night because I'm bfing. He has a stressful full time job and I'm a sahm but he appreciates what I do for the children.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/06/2014 14:19

What I would give for a solid 8 hours sleep. Can't seem to get to bed by 10pm ever.
I used to get a cup of tea, freshly squeezed orange juice and porridge.
In Bed
Plus dishwasher emptied, before he went to work.
Dinner made for me in the evenings.

No feeds at any time as I was trying to move DD off the expressed milk onto boob so always started with that when she was hungry.

But DH is a grumpy sod when woken between 3-4. It. Just. Wasn't. Worth. It.

So I'm probably projecting too MrsTP. As we all do on here.

bronya · 12/06/2014 14:33

I think it depends on how you both feel. Men do find it harder to go back to a deep sleep than a breastfeeding woman as your hormones will ensure you drop straight back into a deep sleep after your feed, and he won't. He needs to help out enough the rest of the time that you don't mind going downstairs though!

I slept in the living room after 11pm with DS and will with this baby for the first six weeks. We have a comfy futon, and I can make noise without feeling guilty. HOWEVER, my DH did what he could to help. I went go to bed at 6.30pm, DH did the 8.30pm feed (I expressed for that) and then woke me at 10.30/11pm when DS next asked for milk. It gave me a good four hours of solid sleep, and he would repeat that if possible in the morning - so wake baby at 5am when he got up, feed expressed milk (that I'd put in the fridge during the night), change him and pop him back to sleep. Some nights that meant I got two stints of 4 hours, some I got a bit less, but I knew he was doing what he could for me. It made the night waking bearable, and we felt like we were in it together.

WowserBowser · 12/06/2014 14:48

ClashCityRocker · 12/06/2014 14:54

Devestated that this thread isn't what I'd thought it would be.

But now I'm here, YANBU.

Original poster

Twoplusboys · 13/06/2014 03:36

Forgot to buy the earplugs so I'm in the hall pumping! Not too bad actually, although I'll bring a blanket tomorrow night.

OP posts:

NoodleOodle · 13/06/2014 04:07

Yanbu, regardless of where you go or what you do afterwards, I think you should be in the place that's most comfortable and convenient to you whilst expressing. I know I couldn't get any drop if the conditions weren't perfect. If it disturbs DP, there's no reason why he shouldn't also be comfortable doing what he needs to do -sleep- which if not convenient in your bed, you can find somewhere else he can sleep, seems like there's at least one other option, Ds' room, which he has identified himself.

If it were comfortable and convenient for you to express downstairs, I'm sure you'd already be doing that, as you don't seem spiteful, to want to disturb his sleep unnecessarily. I do think you being comfortable when expressing trumps his desire to sleep undisturbed in the bed.

PrincessBabyCat · 13/06/2014 05:16

If DH woke me during my stretch of sleep at night while he was on baby duty, I'd kill him.

You're already awake, it's not like you can sleep in the bed and pump at the same time. Just go down stairs and let him sleep during his shift. He let your sleep during yours.

Although, that said, doesn't crying baby wake him anyway? Why the hostility towards the pump?

jaynebxl · 13/06/2014 05:38

Actually I've thought about this again and I may get slated for this but I think I'd drop pumping in the middle of the night and give formula. Then you would both get more sleep. Now if only I could work out how to stop dh pumping in the middle of the night I'd get more sleep too

Original poster

Twoplusboys · 13/06/2014 10:35

Ds doesn't wake him. He just mooches around and I feed him then.

Jayne, I would jut give formula but I'm topping up most his feeds with it as it is. He's taking six ounces and I can only manage to pump 4.

OP posts:

Singsongmama · 13/06/2014 10:46

I personally wouldn't - I take DS out of our room to feed and settle him in the hope that DH will sleep. He is regularly disturbed though - that's the nature of having a baby. It depends on what works for you and your family - speak to oh when he's in a better frame of mind about his needs and your needs.

Just sit in the bathroom??!! Really?!! Going downstairs to the sofa is one thing, sitting in the bathroom?? No chance!

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