to be really pissed off that my husband won't answer his phone?

[3boys3dogshelp]

This is a long standing issue which has caused problems before (once when he was in the gym in his lunch break and I was in labour, once when ds2 broke his nose - it took 2 hours to get hold of him as he'd gone for a run).
As a result of discussions in the past I only ring him at work if I really need him. We have a holiday booked (this is a massive deal for us - only affordable due to inheriting some money) in 7 weeks. Oh took passport forms this morning to take to post office in his lunch break. I have now been trying to contact him for an hour to tell him not to post them, due to the delays in processing I think we need to fast track. He is not bloody answering again. I KNOW he is on his lunch break.
I am pissed off about that but more so as I spoke to him this morning to say I think ds3 is starting with chicken pox and seems unwell. He is 7 months and has seizures so cp is potentially a big deal. As far as he knows I could be in a and e with the baby :-). Aibu and needy or is he being an idiot? ?

People coped before mobile phones were invented. I think these days people expect to be in contact 24/7 which at times is unfair

My father missed my sister's birth because my mother couldn't get in touch with him by phone.

I'd have thought we possibly could do a bit better than that in these days of technology?

One of my best friends is a surgeon and she's perfectly capable of being contactable when she's not in surgery. I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I do think that when he doesn't answer his texts/mobile then perhaps you should call the landline, and eventually after a while the nurses might start suggesting he checks his mobile occasionally.

The poor nurses already have to look after him at work!

The poor nurses already have to look after him at work!

I dont want to make you feel bad for marrying him OP but frankly he sounds utterly pathetic! If he needs "looking after" all the time I wonder how you ever find him attractive or sexy, must be like having a gifted toddler around the place.

He can save lives with complex surgery but cant sort himself out in RL? Fuck that!

I don't think you're being unreasonable either. I hope you get passports quickly.

Yes, it's completely unreasonable to expect the father to take joint responsibility of his family in urgent situations, when he's super busy eating sandwiches.

The OP has never said she expects him to drop the scapel mid surgery, just to keep an eye on his phone in his downtime when he's already aware he might be needed - like after the nine month countdown of having a baby, or your child being unwell.

I don't know, I think in many work situations people do 'look after' the team leader, male or female, so that person can be fully focused on the huge complexities and massive responsibility they have.

I can see that being a surgeon (of either sex) is exactly the kind of job where that would happen. The buck stops with you, you are the more experienced, no one actually wants you to be sweating the small stuff instead of tackling the very hardest, biggest stuff.

The problems come when team leader gets used to that and starts, tacitly or expressly, expecting to be exempt from the boring bits at home as well. It is often hidden or excused as being disorganised, as well.

My boss does this. Brilliant man, regularly dumps on his wife though a fairly high level of strategic helplessness that gets him out of any kind of familial or domestic responsibility that he doesn't want to do.

OP, don't let your husband get away with that. He has to check his phone regularly. hell, he could even ring you occasionally, just to see how things are. Millions of high-powered busy parents manage to do this daily.

strategic helplessness

Brilliant phrase and sadly, a very very common problem. My ex was like this. H isnt because I didnt give a chance to be, not being able to work the washing machine elicited the following kind and caring response from me "THe instructions are in the drawer". :o

It takes my DP ages to reply to texts at work and he is a factory worker not a surgeon! If its a real emergency then call his office, but i agree its frustrating not being able to get hold of somebody when you need to tell them something.

In the case of the OP I think she has valid cause to complain but I do think far too many women hassle their partners at work with a lot of stuff that can just wait until they get home.

My dh used to have a tendancy to this , he still rarely picks up the phone to me during the day but does read texts and knows that I only contact him if i really have to.

He has got better since we reached crisis point and I had got to the stage were I pretty much ignored his existence when it came to family life , I ended up in A and E and didn't bother calling him because I assumed he wouldn't pick up/be available etc .He is much better now ,I wasn't making a point it had just got to the stage where I operated as a single parent, he didn't like it and has made more of an effort

Sounds like my DH to be honest. Drives me insane. I work full time too & have no interest to 'chat' at work time. So it's not too much to ask that he pick up my calls. Yes he could be busy & so he could ring back. But the fact that he almost NEVER answers my calls & either calls back in a few minutes or few hours - truly drives me mad. As OP says - in an emergency it's absolutely maddening when you can't get hold of your OH.

I totally sympathise with you OP. My remedy was that stopped calling him & stopped taking his calls for many months. Now he sees the point - and is more reachable!

In the case of the OP I think she has valid cause to complain but I do think far too many women hassle their partners at work with a lot of stuff that can just wait until they get home.

Have to say I agree with this.

I used to work with someone whose wife used to phone him 6 or 7 times a day. It used to drive us all nuts

My job is not as important as your husband's - I'm just a teacher. But, I put my bag and phone in my locker as I arrive at work and collect it on the way out. So, I don't check it between 8am and 5pm.

If my husband, childminder, father, etc. needed to contact me they would phone the school office. It would need to be an emergency though.

can I just say, as a theatre nurse, you are not the only one this happens to. I have had numerous heated conversations with surgeons partners and written innumerable messages about various things from trivial to serious, most of which the surgeon probably won't answer for hours anyway. I also want to point out it drives me absolutely mad sometimes, the things I have answered the phone for. No one answers my phone for me when I'm scrubbed.

I don't think you're being unreasonable either, OP and I hope you get your passports.

I am a surprised that a holiday is a "massive deal" moneywise though if your husband is a surgeon, I thought they got good bucks!

Dazoo I thought that too!

The surgeon we know is minted

One of my previous work colleague's wives was nicknamed 'sorry to bother you'. She called him about 5 times a day.

Good bucks after years of student debt, I imagine, so it depends where you are in your career.

My dh is a doctor - a GP.

He calls me at lunchtime - by then he can often tell just how late he's going to be.

In an emergency I call his reception desk and they get him when he's between patients.

Then he usually phones on his way home because he mistakenly thinks I might have dinner ready

We probably talk twice a day, and I realise that's quite a lot for most couples.

Our school insists that there is an "alternative contact" - not the parents! - for each child. Most folks use grandparents/aunties but we have none close, so a good friend does it for us.

So on the one occasion I had to pick up a child and go to A&E, I called the friend and he happily picked the others up, and I let dh know. He works 75 mins away, so wasn't able to pick up anyway.

I think if you have a spouse/partner who isn't contactable, it's only common sense to have a network. When I broke my leg my neighbour took my dc in after school, fed them, looked after them until dh got home. We look after her lizard thing when they're away. I've a list of at least 5 folk I can call on in an emergency. There are times you need your family (and my dad has driven 2 hours, my mil got on a plane) in emergencies, but a realistic back up should be achievable).

I kind of have the opposite problem to the OP. When I need to communicate with my wife (which doesn't happen in the evening partly because she gets home so late as a result of the amount of facetime she puts in) I send an email to her private email address. My communications are non-urgent and I'm willing to wait days for a reply. She recently phoned me in a temper for disturbing her at work. (a) I sent this email to your private not work address, (b) email is the least disruptive form of communication because you deal with it at your own convenience and (c) if you have your phone set to tell you whenever you get an email, it's not my fault you've subverted the biggest benefit of email as a means of communication.

He can't have his phone on him all the time though? I have my phone with me during the day at work but sometimes can't answer it if it rings as I'm busy.

I don't take my phone out when I exercise as where would I put it? I think it's unreasonable to expect him to be able to answer at all times.