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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really pissed off that my husband won't answer his phone?

72 replies

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 13:50

This is a long standing issue which has caused problems before (once when he was in the gym in his lunch break and I was in labour, once when ds2 broke his nose - it took 2 hours to get hold of him as he'd gone for a run).
As a result of discussions in the past I only ring him at work if I really need him. We have a holiday booked (this is a massive deal for us - only affordable due to inheriting some money) in 7 weeks. Oh took passport forms this morning to take to post office in his lunch break. I have now been trying to contact him for an hour to tell him not to post them, due to the delays in processing I think we need to fast track. He is not bloody answering again. I KNOW he is on his lunch break.
I am pissed off about that but more so as I spoke to him this morning to say I think ds3 is starting with chicken pox and seems unwell. He is 7 months and has seizures so cp is potentially a big deal. As far as he knows I could be in a and e with the baby :-). Aibu and needy or is he being an idiot? ?

OP posts:

Ruralninja · 11/06/2014 13:54

YANBU. What does he do with his phone when he's not answering it? Has he left it somewhere or got it on silent or ignoring it - any of these is still annoying though. I don't think you need a good reason (i.e. passports, ill DC etc) to expect to be able to get in touch with your DH unless he is a bomb disposal expert and his phone ringing would make him cut the wrong wire! Can you email him in the mean time? Poor you...

googoodolly · 11/06/2014 13:56

I don't think you should be contacting him at work unless it's an emergency. if you have to tell him something, send a text and let him pick it up in his own time. If I'm at work, my priority is my job, not talking to DP.

if it's urgent, can you not call his company or secretary and ask them to pass on a message?

redskyatnight · 11/06/2014 13:57

So did you eventually get hold of him in the instances you describe?

I wouldn't notice my phone going if in the gym or on a run (was he listening to music) but I would pick up a message when I'd finish and call you back.

I don't think having not got hold of him for an hour means he's not answering his phone - I would't necessarily expect to get hold of someone that quickly

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 13:59

All sorts left it in gym locker for 2 hours when I was in labour. Its often on silent when he is at work in case he is with patients or in theatre (he is a surgeon) Then forgets to put ringer on but it still vibrates. Genuinely can't answer if oping but thats why I agreed only to ring if important - nurse answers and passes message on. I maybe was ringing too much when preg and bored but really not now. I'm fuming!

OP posts:

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 14:01

When in labour I was 39 + weeks surely he was expecting a call? And for the record my prev labour lasted 1 hour so fairly important he was contactable.

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 11/06/2014 14:02

Don't know what kind of surgery but he may have had an overrun or an emergency?

You can only fast track closer to your departure date I believe..

Icimoi · 11/06/2014 14:03

Surely you can deal with the passport thing by texting him?

And are you sure that he is on his lunch break rather than in the operating theatre?

Drquin · 11/06/2014 14:04

Got to admit, it depends what he does work-wise and whether it's usual you can get hold of him or not.

I've been in work since before 9am and I've only just turned cleared a meeting - which is my priority. And that's fairly normal. So anyone would have struggled to get hold of me for 4 hours. I'd expect you to have some kind of emergency system in place e.g. Ring his work reception, for genuine emergencies (and agreeing what's an emergency - I'd expect someone to be dying almost to get the receptionist to intervene)

To be honest, it's the downside of mobile phone technology - that I have one doesn't mean everyone ought to be able to get hold of me whenever's convenient for them.

Drquin · 11/06/2014 14:09

Cross-posted, I see his work is as a surgeon ..... Different strokes for different folks, but I'd have been mad at the labour time I grant you!

But, if he's capable of saving someone's live through surgery, it amuses me that he's not capable of sussing out the passport saga on his own. Sorry, I know that doesn't help in the long run.

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 14:09

No he was definitely on lunch break when I rang. Finallyphoned back he has pposted the forms. I could cry, holiday looking pretty unlikely now :-(.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 11/06/2014 14:11

Your holiday is nearly 2 months away, it will be fine.

CeliaLytton · 11/06/2014 14:18

Yabu. I understand you are stressed worrying about your holiday and DC but if he is at work and in his line of work potentially having a stressful day, I would imagine he needs some downtime and would not expect him to have his mobile on and in his pocket all day.

My phone beeps all day long with texts, calls, voicemails. Yes, one might be urgent but most are not.

If it is an emergency, can you call the hospital and ask them to pass on a message? Why does it have to be that he has his mobile on him at all times?

I hope the passports come through in time and that your DC is ok.

CiderwithBuda · 11/06/2014 14:18

Sorry but I am laughing a bit. I know it's really annoying and DH has done it to me - if I call and he is in a meeting he rejects th call. Fair enough. I have no problem with that at all. But if it's urgent (and I do mean urgent) I will call straight back. Then he should answer as he knows I would only do that in an emergency. I lost it with him once when I called him and he rejected the call three times. My argument was he is an accountant not a surgeon and no one ever died waiting for a balance sheet!

I think you should be ok for your passports. They are drafting in extra staff and getting so much bad press now they will sort it.

myusernameis · 11/06/2014 14:21

They reported on sky news today that people who'd sent their passport forms in were getting them processed in two weeks, despite the delays. One man specifically said he hadn't fast tracked either. Try not to worry, I'm sure yours will arrive on time.

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 14:21

And he said he heard about the delay this morning but posted them anyway. Yes he is defo in the category of genius but no common sense or organisational skills. I did text. I know he had no surgery or meetings this morning and I tried my friend who works there but he had left for lunch so not busy when I texted and phoned.
Last week he took my car and house keys in his pocket to work. My coat and baby's pushchair were in the car so I had to walk a mile to school and back carrying the baby. I noticed within 2 mins of him leaving house but guess what he didn't answer his phone. He is driving me mad.

OP posts:

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 14:28

The holiday is a total first world problem, without the back story I'd chuckle a bit too. But ds3 is already unwell - waiting for appt for brain mri - and I'm really worried how he is going to cope with cp. Oh knows this but can't be arsed to answer his phone or even pick up his texts. I know for sure he was doing paperwork/making phone calls then going out for 2 hours for his lunch break. Not stressful surely? No lives at risk by checking his texts. Going to stop ranting now sorry...

OP posts:

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/06/2014 14:29

It would drive me insane if I were in a meeting or busy and I didn't answer the phone to dh and he just kept ringing straight back

If someone doesn't answer the phone, it isn't personal. They are either busy, which most people are at work, or have left their phone on silent, as most people have to do at work or left it somewhere by accident.

I honestly don't know how people coped when there were no mobile phones. I guess we just did

Having a mobile doesn't mean you are obliged to be available every second of the day.

Text message. Or email. People will normally check a text even if they are unable to answer a call.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/06/2014 14:30

Sorry op I posted before I read your last post :(

Stinkle · 11/06/2014 14:31

My DH does the same thing and it drives me potty.

I never ring him at work unless I absolutely have to, he knows that, if I am ringing it's because I really need to speak to him. If he can't speak to me at that precise second, it wouldn't kill him to ring me back. He's not so busy he can't go to the pub

He doesn't reply to texts either so I never know if he's got/read them

A couple of weeks ago he ordered some parts to be delivered to a shop which is right next door to his work. I got a phone call from the shop to say they'd arrived and we could collected anytime. DH needed them that night so I sent a text asking if he could pick them up. No reply, so knowing he needed them urgently, I picked up kids from school and drove into town to pick them up, only to find he'd already bloody done it.

He does it to everyone, unless he has to actually reply to a direct question, he just doesn't reply to texts, meaning no one ever knows if he's got it/read it.

Last weekend we had a huge saga of him choosing and buying a new mobile phone. What's the point if you never answer the one you've got???

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/06/2014 14:32

My husband doesn't answer his phone either - and neither do I if I'm busy. He's disorganised, I'm not. I treat him as if he doesn't have a phone, is therefore uncontactable and must self-sufficient and make sure that he doesn't go off with anything that I might need. I think you will have to change what you do, OP, you can't change him. Be more organised yourself and then nothing he does can disrupt you.

MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 14:38

you need an alternative number for him, is there a receptionist or office admin that you could call in an emergancy who can tell you where he is, if he's in theatre, take a message and give him the message afterwards?

DH often has to go into the basement of his office building where there's no signal, or in a meeting when his phone would be turned off, when I was pregnant, I had his colleague's office line so I could call and someone would physically go get DH, or at least, I knew I didn't need ot keep calling.

As a PA I've often taken personal messages and have got a partner out of a meeting as his DW was in labour, it's perfectly normal and how things used to be done before everyone had personal mobiles.

Ask for an office line, someone who can take a message and get him to call you.

MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 14:40

Stinkle - can you not just end each text with "can you reply so I know you've got this?" do it each time and eventually you'll 'train' him into replying.

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 14:45

Thanks lying, I have lived with him for 11 years and generally am very organised to counter his fuckwit behaviour. It is exhausting I already organise me and 3 small children I can't sort him too. I do the lions share of childcare but if I'm in a and e with ds2 I can't also pick ds1 up from school half an hour away. My dad ended up cancelling his work appointment that day to help me out.
He lost his garage key so he took my keys to get something out then got in his car and drove to work. How do I counter that?

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/06/2014 14:50

Keep hold of his car keys until you're happy that you've told him everything he needs to know, had confirmation that he's going to do whatever it is that he's supposed to - and that he has nothing of yours secreted about his person or in the car...

It is fuckwit behaviour, treat it with the disdain it deserves.

RobotLover68 · 11/06/2014 14:52

You kill him

Hope that helps

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