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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really pissed off that my husband won't answer his phone?

72 replies

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 13:50

This is a long standing issue which has caused problems before (once when he was in the gym in his lunch break and I was in labour, once when ds2 broke his nose - it took 2 hours to get hold of him as he'd gone for a run).
As a result of discussions in the past I only ring him at work if I really need him. We have a holiday booked (this is a massive deal for us - only affordable due to inheriting some money) in 7 weeks. Oh took passport forms this morning to take to post office in his lunch break. I have now been trying to contact him for an hour to tell him not to post them, due to the delays in processing I think we need to fast track. He is not bloody answering again. I KNOW he is on his lunch break.
I am pissed off about that but more so as I spoke to him this morning to say I think ds3 is starting with chicken pox and seems unwell. He is 7 months and has seizures so cp is potentially a big deal. As far as he knows I could be in a and e with the baby :-). Aibu and needy or is he being an idiot? ?

OP posts:

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 14:54

It helps a bit robot thanks! I might be a bit less stressed after a week in the sun, no wait .....

OP posts:

FraidyCat · 11/06/2014 15:11

You do sound a bit needy. The passport thing is a valid reason for calling him at work, but what difference does it make whether he finds out about the Chicken Pox during the day or when he gets home from work?

It can be perfectly valid for people to not take personal calls for several hours, or even at all, while they are at work. Obviously it's a question of expectations, but I see nothing wrong with someone going to work and their family just getting on with their own lives on the assumption the worker won't be contactable for the next 12 hours.

FraidyCat · 11/06/2014 15:17

Sorry, I see you have already explained the A&E issue.

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 15:25

No he already knew about the cp before I tried to contact him about the passport forms. So despite knowing that I might have a problem today and not being especially busy he didn't bother to keep his phone on him or check his texts at all.
It looks like quite a few people on here think I'm being hard work so maybe I'll have to back off more and expect to be entirely self sufficient even if I have a problem.

OP posts:

HaveAGander · 11/06/2014 15:25

I agree with FraidyCat, I think you sound a bit needy and actually a little annoying tbh.

Yes, some of the reasons you've put across are perfectly valid, but you sound as if you are constantly bothering him at work for all and any reason you can think of. It would drive me insane if I was your husband.

Don't mean to sound harsh but I don't think you're doing your own sanity any favours either. Try to be a bit less dependant on his, you'll be much less stressed that way.

HaveAGander · 11/06/2014 15:25

*him

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 15:33

Fair enough gander, I think we cross posted. The phone calls listed are pretty much all the calls I have made to him at work in the last 12 months though, apart from one false labour which he answered(!) Would you not phone your oh if his son had broken his nose and was in a and e with concussion? I needed him to pick up ds1. What should I have done? Genuine question I don't know what else I coulfd have done as ds1 isn't registeted for after school club. As I say my dad had to cancel his work to collect him. No one else nearby.

OP posts:

RedTractorBlueTractor · 11/06/2014 15:36

But your DH may not have been able to pick up DS1 anyway. What if he had been in the middle of surgery.

People don't always have jobs that you can just leave.

redskyatnight · 11/06/2014 15:39

Yes, I'd ring my oh if my DS had broken his nose and was in A&E.

But if I couldn't get hold of him at once (which I would accept was a reasonable possibility), I would try school friends' parents (or I would try a family member if any in the area as you did). Failing getting through to anybody I would ring the school and see what they suggested (which I suspect would be that he could sit in the school library till about 6pm allowing me extra time to find someone who could get DS, or to leave A&E and get him myself).

What would you do if OH worked away, or was in an operation lasting hours? You do need to be able to cope.

wobblyweebles · 11/06/2014 15:44

Doesn't he have a non-mobile work number?

I often don't answer my mobile at work because a) I have to keep it on silent (work rules) and b) it doesn't work that well in my bit of hte office anyway. My husband calls me on the landline instead.

HaveAGander · 11/06/2014 15:44

I agree it's annoying not to be able to get a hold of them when you need to, but the man is at work, doing an important job. If he were my DH he wouldn't be my first port of call to drop everything and come when you need your DS picking up. I would first try family/friends who weren't at work and leave DH as a last resort.

3littlefrogs · 11/06/2014 15:45

If I was married to a surgeon I would have phoned the school and asked them to arrange emergency care in after school club until I could find someone to collect him. Thankfully I am not, but I do sympathise OP.
I know one shouldn't generalise about personalities, but having worked in the NHS for nearly 40 years, I am afraid one does notice that certain professions have particular characteristics - otherwise they couldn't do the jobs they do.

I am sure your DH is lovely in many ways.

PomeralLights · 11/06/2014 16:04

OP, hope you're not feeling picked on. I would find it very stressful too :( and I don't agree that if you're married and in a supposedly equal partnership you should have to be self sufficient 100% of the time!

Maybe try asking him what he thinks - for example, if the cp/A&E thing had happened and he didn't answer his phone, what would he expect to happen? You mentioned your dad stepped in before, does your DH just assume that family will always be there to help? Does he appreciate why it's unfair on your dad to ask him to take time off work because his SonIL isn't answering his phone? He clearly thinks you should be able to contact him, hence the contact in emergencies rule, so I would find his behaviour really frustrating too!!

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 16:04

When I'm working I do a very similar job, I do understand the pressures of his job. I also know his rota pretty well so I have an idea when he is likely to be too busy. In the instances I've mentioned he hasn't been in life and death surgery he has been in the gym/running/on lunch. This morning he might have been with a patient when I tried to ring so I texted when he didn't reply and when he called almost 2 hours later he said he'd been out for lunch then to the post office. He hadn't read the text even then. I do have a landline number but ibtry not to use it as he doesn't stay in one place for long at work (unless in theatre) and I feel like its a lot of disruption having nurses chasing him round the building.

OP posts:

RedTractorBlueTractor · 11/06/2014 16:09

My DP is in an a job where he is not contactable by mobile at all during the day.

People coped before mobile phones were invented. I think these days people expect to be in contact 24/7 which at times is unfair.

ElizaDolittle2 · 11/06/2014 16:11

What should I have done? Genuine question I don't know what else I coulfd have done as ds1 isn't registeted for after school club. As I say my dad had to cancel his work to collect him. No one else nearby.

Contacted the school or asked a friend or parent of one of DC friends.

Bogeyface · 11/06/2014 16:15

I think people are missing the point.

She rang because of medical emergencies and today because of something important when she knew he was on his lunchbreak therefore not in a meetting or whipping out an appendix.

I dont think anyone should be expected to answer anything less than an emergency when they are working, but lets be honest, most people check their phones throughout the day. So either he didnt in which case why bother having one or he did and didnt care that his wife was in labour and his son was in A&E.

Seems to me that nothing is very important to this man if it doesnt involve him directly.

defineme · 11/06/2014 16:15

I think talking to partners of other surgeons would help op.
I only know 2 people with similar jobs, but they are the same. Child in a+e scenario identical to one described to me by one of their partners.
Either stop expecting this to change and arrange different back up eg doula for birth and friends for school runs or leave because I can't see that he will Chang e given if he hasn't after what's happened prior to today.

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 16:16

Thanks pom.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 11/06/2014 16:16

Contacted the school or asked a friend or parent of one of DC friends

Yes, because expecting his father to be contactable in an emergency and to step up to his role as parent is clearly VVU

ElizaDolittle2 · 11/06/2014 16:21

Yes, because expecting his father to be contactable in an emergency and to step up to his role as parent is clearly VVU

No body is saying it would be unreasonable! Just that sometimes it isn't always possible.

The OP has said that on this occasion he wasn't in surgery but what if he had been?

As definime has said, maybe the OP needs a back up plan.

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 11/06/2014 16:23

I could understand a flaming if I was asking him to leave work early to do school runs while I went shopping. I was in a and e! I have a couple of friends who I could ask to pick up but as it happened that day they were both working.

Thanks Bogeyface I think you see where I'm coming from.
Oh well passport thing is done now, nothing I can do. I do get annoyed when our kids are affected by his behaviour but as you say I need to suck it up as he isn't likely to change.

OP posts:

Amilionmilesaway · 11/06/2014 16:28

My husband does this! Ok he has to have his phone on silent for work so I will send him a text message and email. He'll respond to neither so I get increasingly irate and phone him 10 times. Why doesn't he just check his phone at intervals during the day?

It's usually things like me having to work late unexpectedly so I'm trying to sort childcare with him (as the after school club is usually booked up despite being ludicrously expensive). I'm not really a ring-for-chat person, so if I am trying to get in touch with him, it's usually something bloody important.

So no YANBU for being pissed off because that would make me U too and I am the definition of reasonable!

DenzelWashington · 11/06/2014 16:29

The problem is the assumption you both have that you will keep ringing him rather than that he will check his phone at regular intervals. He needs to sign up to that and do it. It need not mean constantly, just during his lunch break and then perhaps once more in the afternoon barring unforeseen events. You can then text him knowing he will get back to you before too long.

He's a husband and a parent, he needs to have a system for being in contact with you. You and he need to agree what goes to him to deal with and where you should seek support elsewhere, and both stick to it.

It's not good enough for him to be disorganised and forget. This is an important responsibility.

RobotLover68 · 11/06/2014 16:50

joking apart this would drive me demented too - I only ring my husband when it's urgent (he knows this) and he often doesn't pick up or call me back

re: the keys, he took my keys so often that he's made me and the kids late for school more than once. When he took them and locked me out,which caused me to call out a locksmith (he was on his way to the West Country and we're in South East) I googled in desperation a solution. It was suggested to get a pink fluffy giant keyring which would be too big to put in his pocket. I got the 2 biggest soft toy key rings I could find and put them on my keys. He's never taken them again.

Sorry I can't help with the not picking up the phone, I hope you get your passports in time

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