To not want to get too involved with school life?

[Pinkrosesarebest]

Just that really. My twin sons are in Reception. So we are only at the beginning of our school journey really. I will help out in the future I am sure but haven't so far. I always send in money when asked. However 2 mums talked very loudly near to me and quite pointedly today and said it's always the same ones helping out, signing up or organising PTA events. Surely it is a choice rather than an obligation?

The rules of volunteering

You will volunteer to help out at fetes when your child is in reception because you are new to all this and you don't know the pitfalls. The woman who runs the PTA has hollow-eyed desperation etched into her face and you feel obliged because you're 'the type of person who volunteers'.

By the time your child is in yr1 you will have accidentally agreed to go along to PTA meetings and find yourself on the committee. You get asked to be more and more involved and the woman in charge is so passionate you can't so no.

By yr 2, you're running the discos and the film nights single-handed, having discovered that half the original committee have all buggered off.

By the juniors you are begging people to join the committee. You're now in charge and no-one wants to meet your eye for fear that you'll rope them in to running a stall, or worse. Your friends avoid you in the playground, but on facebook they say you are such a good person and do so much for the school. You literally organise the whole summer fete single-handed and just hope people will turn up on the day to help out.

In two years you are haggared and knackered and have no friends. You have turned into the woman who runs the PTA. You look in the mirror and see the same desperate look. Your voice has taken on a weird squeaky tone. You've discovered that 'the type of person who volunteers is hard to find. Then one day you see 'her' collecting her child from reception. She's so young and full of energy. You latch on to her with a hungry look in your eye and persuade her to organise the jolly jars for the summer fete.

By the time your child is in yr5 your exit plan is in place and you are counting the days until you drop the bombshell. You're now so knackered that you don't care. You hope you never have to see another tombola ticket ever again.

Secretly though, you've been considering joining the local village hall committee, although you haven't yet had the balls to tell your other half. You just can't help being 'the type of person who volunteers'.

Ha, farewellfigure do you know me???!!

HahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAAAAAA! farewellfigure

Hi happyyoni. Sadly it's pretty much me but on the village committee rather then the school one. I see the PTA mums looking at me hungrily and I feel like a lamb amongst wolves. I hear them say 'if you want something done, ask a busy person' as they eye me up, but honestly, organising the village fun day and Christmas fete is more than enough. I went to a PTA meeting last month (they'd disguised it as a coffee morning then POUNCED when we were all sat down) and got so scared I volunteered to design posters for them. My DH was incredulous.

All hail- I don't think you should. I thought you said that you would be happy to donate some money to the PTA to prevent them pestering you, and you didn't know how. And that no knowing how was all that was stopping you.

I told you how. No need for scurrying or phone calls. I promise if you do what I said the cheque will get to the PTA bank account. To recap. Writ cheque to X school PTA (full name or usual name- either will do). Put in envelope with covering note. Write "PTA treasure" ( no name needed) on said envelope. Ask your child to drop it in at the office or give to her teacher tomorrow.

Or not. Whichever. But saying that it is an impossibly difficult task is just silly.

Ha farewell so true! What baffles dh is why I do it. When he sees the PTA doing stuff for free and yet getting criticised for it! Hilarious! I am no surrendered wife but after the last year culminating in BBQ clear up hell for both of us whilst everyone else (sane) scuttled off home dh has now forbidden me from volunteering - that's the end of it!

The cliche "no good deed goes unpunished" is horribly true in the PTA world....

Haha farewell, then your DC joins a club and you offer to help out for one meeting, next thing you know the cubs need your help for every trip and camp, scouts could actually really use a bit of help fundraising please and you've ended up a Rainbow leader and now you're suddenly helping out with guides despite not having a teenage daughter yet, oh and the Brownies might need you to help out a bit for the next few weeks, you are suddenly involved in random events that you have no idea how you got roped into and knowing that you never say no to things and that everyone knows this you are now scared to open your email in case there's another request... somewhere in all this you realise that you've spent 18 hours this week organising and helping out at various children's events and that's not even the busiest week this month!

OP YANBU and your post wasn't rude, the 2 mums talking pointedly about how it's always the same people helping were rude though, I might moan about it on here but I'd never judge or bitch about someone in rl for not volunteering (although maybe that's why I end up doing so much) so long as you send in the bits you are asked to when you can then you are supporting the PTA.

I'm afraid thats a myth dreamt up by people seeking to justify their own laziness in not being bothered to join in.

See, it's that attitude right there that I can't stand and that I've come across in my PTA.

Laziness in not being bothered or having an actual real life and not having my social calendar revolve around shitty school events with the other loser mums?

*DISCLAIMER: I don't think the above and have, in fact, helped out on several occasions.

I'm just pointing out that sneering about the people who can't help is one of the reasons that our PTA only have each other as friends and are avoided at all costs.

The cool mums are just as bad, on the other end of the spectrum.

Thankfully, all the normal folk are somewhere in between!

All PTA mums Walter?! You sound just adorable.

All PTA mums Walter?! You sound just adorable

What?

Walter, I'm not keen on that attitude either, its the few PTA mums that are like that which put other parents off helping with everything.

xihha I'm glad you got what I was saying!

I understand not everyone wants to join a committee or attend social events and fundraisers. However many of the events are aimed at the children too, so being totally uninvolved means the children missing the disco or the fete, or whatever, which is a shame.

The thing I can't understand is why everyone can't bring themselves to recognise the hard work put in by volunteers and the direct benefit it brings to all of the children in terms of resources available, that wouldn't be there otherwise. Recognising that work and saying 'thank you' goes a long way to making the few doing it, feel valued. It is not why they do it, but zit hunk they deserve that thanks and recognition, regardless of whether we like their style or not.

Generally I think there is too much mean spiritedness. People like to sneer about Queen Bee types, but their own children are benefitting from the fact that a few people are willing to get organising. So do t join in if you don't want to, but a show of appreciation wouldn't go amiss and doesn't cost anything!

"However many of the events are aimed at the children too, so being totally uninvolved means the children missing the disco or the fete, or whatever, which is a shame."

You see there's that attitude again! It's patronising and PTA letters are often worded that way as well. It's such a shame that you don't see it.

KERALA1 don't get me started on volunteers getting flack. I've been shouted at, abused, and received horrible emails from people because they didn't agree with something I've done or haven't done in the village. Volunteers do open themselves up for some flack. And I sympathise with the 'great BBQ clear up'. Ouch.

However just to put a bit of perspective on it, I do see why people don't volunteer. It is hard work and if you don't have time, you don't have time! Some people just don't. Luckily in ds's school, most people are happy to muck in and spend a bit of time behind a stall. And the PTA are all lovely. It's just that no-one wants to actually commit to the committee (iyswim). Committees get such bad press!

I do understand that PTAs can seem patronising. I do understand that they can be run by women who have a lot of time on their hands (or not in many cases) for whom it becomes a bigger focus in their life than it should. I do understand that communications are not always sensitive.

However, do you know how demoralising it can be for those running these events to struggle to sell tickets, or to struggle to staff the stalls.

The tone might sometimes be patronising. However, the intention to raise money for the school is a good one and it DOES achieve a real benefit for the children. There cannot be any denying that. And for that reason, if that reason only, I think they are due to respect and recognition. Is it not possible to get beyond finding some of the individuals involved a bit annoying and just appreciate what they are doing and it's positive effects?

YANBU pinkroses

Some primary schools seem to think you should run your whole life around school - helping at it, spending ages making costumes for things like world book day, craft projects, joining the PTA etc.

Our own children aren't charities - raising funds for things like providing extra technology in schools is not a charitable exercise - so nobody need be precious about it. [hrrumph]

The best way you can support the school is by supporting the authority of the teachers when your children complain about them, sending forms and homework on time and teaching your children good manners, social skills and personal skills- such as doing-up buttons, looking after equipment well.

Maybe if you are struggling to sell tickets then the events are not viable chocolate

I agree completely with the fact that the PTA (here anyway) place too much emphasis on how important it is .
They are strangely ragey and bristling with disapproval at anyone who has an actual real life that doesn't revolve around them.
And they wonder why no one wants to join them!

You don't need to volunteer up to your neck, or to be there at every single event, or go to meetings. You could just go for one hour after a (fête, party, movie night) and help clear up. They raise money so that all children at school benefit.PTA does a great deal at my children's school, especially for outdoor stuff, and I am very grateful for what they do. But because of work commitment, I can only volunteer a few hours a year, and I do without getting involved too much, just by turning up and helping out for whatever is needed. It doesn't have to be political, social event, I don't do it to make friends, or to show off my (baking, face painting, selling - delete as appropriate) skills. It is your children's school, and I think that you can get involved whilst avoiding the pitfalls.

Agree with rocket ... I don't do a lot but I do the odd thing to help out. My kids love the fair and school discos and I like seeing them happy. Am grateful to the mums who do a lot, too!

I just think how hard is it to put on a few fake tat's, man Splte the Rat for half an hour or bake a few cakes, watch 150 infants bounce up and down to Crazy Frog for an hour? Really, how hard is that?

Such an easy peasy no brainer, I really don't get the hoo haa that some make on both sides of the camp.

If you want a great school for your kids you have to help somewhere along the way, in your own way. I've never been on the PTA but helped out with stuff eg: gone on a school trip, planted some trees, manned a stall or two, helped back some books in plastic, helped get receptions dressed for nativity - all easy stuff that requires no back patting or certificates of mercy.

We have a quizz night recently, £10 a head inc. fish and chips, loads chipped in with the question making, ordering the F&C's, setting up the bar and it was a darn great laugh.

If you can help the odd time, then great, every little helps or try it you might like it!

Oh Cheshireyou sound so naïve - if only it was that easy.
You clearly havent been involved with the Toxic PTA - they made my life hell -police involved - only wanted to sell a few cakes !

most PTFA are not toxic though, are they? Surely they are the exception.

My involvement is pretty much as Cheshire describes.

God I hate the school gates! Thankfully due to working full time I don't have to very often.i will probably also get jibes like this (along with comments about how my dc are suffering through me working). If I do get it they will not know what hits them (I already run 2 guide units work full time do other stuff and have dc!)

No, of course they're not, Humphrey. It's a Mumsnet meme. Perpetuated by either the sort of person who is too idle to help and so makes up stories to justify themselves, or the painfully cool,who thinks they are above associating with "school gate mums" so amuse themselves mocking the "mundanes" who do.

Some people are too busy to help. Some people are too shy to help. Some people just don't want to. That's all fine. But there is no need to attack the people who do. You are no better or worse than they are. Just different.