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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to spend dh's days off with him?

63 replies

KarasKite · 10/06/2014 13:53

Dh has three days off per week, which are usually weekdays. He has nothing he wants to do with the days off and tends to follow me around like a lost puppy, it's driving me crazy.

For example: he'll stay in bed until 8.20 when we're leaving at 8.30. He'll then run around rushing to come on the school run. He likes to go a different way to me, which often makes us late. He's never had breakfast beforehand so we can't take our 2yo to the park straight after school or anything because he wants to go home for breakfast.

If it's a day I take dd to toddler group he'll want to come too, but just sits there on his phone rather than play. When dd naps (and I usually work from home) he wants me to sit cuddling on the sofa, or even go back to bed. If I'm taking dd to soft play or swimming in the afternoon, he will want to come too but again - just follow us around or sit and watch. If we're at home he will follow us from room to room and every time I stand or sit still he'll start cuddling or kissing me and I feel totally claustrophobic.

I'd love to have the days he works as days just with the kids then do housework/normal work/have some time to myself on his days off while he spends some time with the kids, but he wants to spend all of them all together. Aibu to find this suffocating?

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 10/06/2014 13:57

No. I don't think so. You've got your routine. My dh had the habit of standing in the middle of the kitchen when I'm trying to so the lunches etc.

Can he not take over completely on one or two of his days off? Then you can go out.

ShineSmile · 10/06/2014 14:00

Have 1 day you both spend together.
1 day he takes over completely and you get a break
1 day you take over and he gets a break

Eventually he might drop the spend together day and then you can split that day too. I suspect he doesn't want to do a complete day on his own and this is why he is hovering around.

Jumblebee · 10/06/2014 14:03

I think it's quite sweet that he wants to spend time together with you, although going to playgroups and spending most of the time on his phone would piss me off!

I have no useful suggestions, I just see the positives of him wanting to come with you and do things as a family instead of spending most of his day off in his pjs playing playstation/watching netflix

CanaryYellow · 10/06/2014 14:04

You've posted about him before, a few threads actually, under a different name, haven't you?

Are you going to tell us about the incident with your DD while he was meant to be watching her and was playing on his phone instead?

Are you hoping for different opinions and/or advice than the overwhelming consensus that you got on your previous threads?

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/06/2014 14:08

Another one here not understanding why you're talking about you doing all the getting the kids to school/taking dd to toddler group etc. and he's just following along.

I understand him wanting some family time on his days off, I want at least some family time when we're all off together. But it isn't me parenting and him tagging along pretending we're a no-kids couple.

Shine might have the answer. Have you asked him why he's behaving like this?

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2014 14:12

Is there nothing 'useful' he could be doing?

DIY, housework, laundry, food shopping (he could take DC), playing with DC?

I don't think it's sweet. I would find it cloying and annoying.

Original poster

KarasKite · 10/06/2014 14:24

He thinks (and refers to himself) as 'helping me' BoomBooms

Dh does that too Savoy, as well as putting the kettle on while we're putting our shoes on as if there's time for tea!

Not me, Canary

There's plenty he could be doing Nanny I wish he'd just find a hobby to at least fill one of the days as I feel like I have to entertain him as well as the kids. If it's raining he'll want to spend money on days out which I feel is a waste. I'd rather just do painting, play doh etc at home and save the money as the school run meansdays out are cut short.

OP posts:

upthedamnwotsit · 10/06/2014 14:26

Sounds like he could use a hobby or two, tbh. That or he needs to actually engage with you and the kids more when he comes out, rather than just being an observer.

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2014 15:40

Well, why don't you just tell him?

googoodolly · 10/06/2014 18:02

Sounds like he feels a bit excluded. He wants to spend time with you but it seems like you just go on with your "normal" routine and he ahs to slot in around you a little bit.

If he's never taken DD to toddler group or anything, he probably feels a bit lost and out of place, tbh. Can you make sure that at least some of his days off are spent as a family - park, swimming, soft play, whatever? Then when you need to work, he can look after DD or sort dinner or something while she naps.

I would be pretty annoyed if DP was busy on all my days off and never tried or wanted to spend any time with me on those days.

ikeaismylocal · 10/06/2014 18:11

Just send him off for the day with all the kids and let him sort it out himself.

My dp works weekdays so he is "on duty" regarding ds at the weekends. If we are out and dp is playing with his phone I just tell dp "ds needs help on the swing" "ds's nappy needs changing" children need times when their father is their main carer.

Icimoi · 10/06/2014 18:11

Can you organise something for yourself on one or more of those days, such as classes in something you're interested in, volunteering, helping out in school? Or even get a part time job? Or send him to cookery classes so he can do some of the cooking on his days off?

Caitlin177 · 10/06/2014 18:19

Why don't you tell him to do housework or get DS ready so he is not just following you around?

Sigyn · 10/06/2014 18:20

er.....you're working when your daughter naps?

He's got three days off?

Not sure what's going on here.

Surely he needs to be looking after the kids so you can work?

Sigyn · 10/06/2014 18:22

Also, WHY is he lying in til the last minute?

If he's off work, why isn't he up and doing his share of getting the kids ready?

I assume, obviously, that he looks after the kids single handed on YOUR three days off?

Sigyn · 10/06/2014 18:24

And FWIW if a grown man was hanging about waiting to be told what to do...then no, I wouldn't want to spend any time with him.

I find male strategic uselessness very manipulative and entirely unappealing. I love the way that so many men can hold down demanding jobs yet somehow be unable to work out how to pack a kid a lunch. They're clearly not fools

RiverTam · 10/06/2014 18:29

why not ask what he would like to do with you/the DC? Just because you have your things that you do with them when it's just you, doesn't mean that that what he would like to do.

I think it can be quite hard for fathers in situations like this - you (as the main carer I assume) have settled into a certain way of doing things, and then when he's there he's just an appendage.

Lots of men don't like toddler groups, they feel very out of place.

When DH is around I let him get on with it with DD - it's a very different dynamic if I'm not there which is lovely for him, and he'll often do completely different things from me, which is great for her. As long as she has some food (anything, really) I try not to interfere.

And sorry, but you sound a bit miserable saying you thing days out are a waste of money!

Communication, that's all that's needed - and you letting go of the reins.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/06/2014 18:43

Why does your DH only work two days a week? Or does he work weekends too?

If so YAB a bit U, as effectively these days are weekend days for him, not random 'days off'. He sounds a bit unsure how to get involved, though, surely the thig I do as PPs hae suggested is to leave DD with him sometimes so he learns how to be with her?

hamptoncourt · 10/06/2014 18:50

Does he have the same days off each week OP? If so I would be tempted to work at least two of them, or schedule something in that could not involve him, I couldn't bear to be followed about like this.

Why are you letting him dictate what happens re making you late and having to go back home after school run? Do you both drive? If so you still drive and go the way you want, and drop him off home and go to the park/wherever.

It sounds like you are being really passive about this situation.

Do you have pretend friends you could be meeting for lunch/shopping all day for a couple of hours to get a break from DH and DC?

I do sympathise OP, but I think you need to get a bit assertive.

Good Luck!

Lilaclily · 10/06/2014 18:55

Go somewhere with wifi like the library or costa & work from there
He can do the childcare

NewNameForSpring · 10/06/2014 19:08

YANBU - it sounds awful. Are you able to talk to him about it without him having a fit about feeling unwanted? Specific examples like the getting up at 8.20 thing really cocking things up may show him the errors of his ways.

Unfortunately if he is doing this sort of thing, I fear a bad reaction from him.

I do think it will be worth sitting down and discussing it though because it sounds like a shitty way to be living.

clam · 10/06/2014 19:17

I'm not really sure what to suggest except to say that this would drive me Up. The. Fucking. Wall.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/06/2014 19:56

Agree with Clam. He sounds like one of the children. An incompetent teenaged babysitter who doesn't really know what they're doing.

Are there really working families where both parents are at home at the same time? Is it down to shift work? I don't understand how this situation would arise, although DH and I are both daytime workers on the whole; dh working full time hours and me working 28 hrs daytime so we see each other in the evening only. However, I don't work during school holidays and he tries to take most of his annual leave while the kids are off so we often have days together during the school holidays.

There is a tendency for some men to think that they're useless and are no good at Childcare. It's bull. What's needed is for them to have a day or two In charge of the kids - an that means they have to have TOTAL control over the day they are in charge, not have (their?) mummy hovering in the background orchestrating. By all means leave specific instructions which they may not be aware of eg. If ds2 doesn't eat lunch by 1pm he will have a tired meltdown and you will regret it. He can then organise his day accordingly ; if he thinks he knows better then by 2pm he is tearing his hair out then he only has himself to blame.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/06/2014 20:02

Agree with whoever said you sound really passive too.

And exactly why does he have nothing to do on his days off?! There is always something in the house that needs doing, or he can go as buy some new clothes for himself. Etc. Dh has his Ironing Pile Of Doom that takes him a couple of hours. Keeping fit by going on a long bike ride. Just why is he following you round wondering what to do?

Sigyn · 10/06/2014 20:31

I think the idea of "days off" are pretty much out of the window when you have kids young enough for toddler group

From what I can work out, the OP is working from home, and he's off work. So why on earth is he not doing the childcare? Why is she trying to squeeze it into naps?

Dp and I have always tagteamed childcare round each other's work schedules. Its what working families do, basically unless one partner is an entitled arse

(and incidentally to men not liking toddler group-who the actual fuck DOES like toddler group? Not me. I still went for long enough to make friends and stage a group breakaway to the park Toddler groups are one of those things you have to do when you have young kids, like glittery shit and singing).

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