to not want to spend dh's days off with him?

[KarasKite]

Dh has three days off per week, which are usually weekdays. He has nothing he wants to do with the days off and tends to follow me around like a lost puppy, it's driving me crazy.

For example: he'll stay in bed until 8.20 when we're leaving at 8.30. He'll then run around rushing to come on the school run. He likes to go a different way to me, which often makes us late. He's never had breakfast beforehand so we can't take our 2yo to the park straight after school or anything because he wants to go home for breakfast.

If it's a day I take dd to toddler group he'll want to come too, but just sits there on his phone rather than play. When dd naps (and I usually work from home) he wants me to sit cuddling on the sofa, or even go back to bed. If I'm taking dd to soft play or swimming in the afternoon, he will want to come too but again - just follow us around or sit and watch. If we're at home he will follow us from room to room and every time I stand or sit still he'll start cuddling or kissing me and I feel totally claustrophobic.

I'd love to have the days he works as days just with the kids then do housework/normal work/have some time to myself on his days off while he spends some time with the kids, but he wants to spend all of them all together. Aibu to find this suffocating?

It isn't sweet.

I'd have to hide the carving knives to avoid itchy fingers and murderous day dreams. Even as I type I can hear from Chicago "He had it coming.... He had it coming...." On a loop.

If he doesn't wNt to end up a headline he really needs to do something productive with his time.

Tell him his passivity is a massive turn off ? No a sausage in the bedroom til he mans up and gets a life or an interest in the kids?!

ShineSmile's suggestion about a his day, your day and both of you day was good. Then he get one lie in a week and that day you just get on with it. His day he takes your DD to soft play etc and you get to chill. Why not suggest this to him?

Three days off? Why don't you work at least some of that time?

Sounds awful. Which days does he work? When do you work?

tbh though, I'd just walk the way I normally went to school and would go to the playpark afterwards anyway. If he was hungry, he can go home and eat.

If he was following me around looking bored, I'd keep saying to him, 'if you're bored, you can do the ironing/go to Tesco/vacuum the lounge' etc

Not sweet at all

Very, very immature and irritating

I would honestly say to him, right off you go on the school run tomorrow. I have xyz to do. Then leave the house before eight. Send him to playground or off swimming.

How did it to this messy state? Messy messy irritating shit sorry.

He needs to stop acting like a shadow and stop the babyish behaviour.

"He likes to go a different way to me, which often makes us late. He's never had breakfast beforehand so we can't take our 2yo to the park straight after school or anything because he wants to go home for breakfast."

This, is to me as well.

It this actually a wind up?

His days off are different each week. He doesn't want me to do my work while he has the kids because he thinks family time me being there to look after them/change them/feed them/discipline them is more important than time with just him.

I do ask him what he wants to do. He says 'i don't mind' or 'its up to you.' He never makes a decision at home, ever, even though he makes important ones at work. Even if we decide to go somewhere, he'll ask me what way I usually go even though he knows the way! He won't just get himself breakfast, he has to know what I'm having and have the same.

If we're out and one of the kids says or asks something he will not answer unless I actually direct him to, he just quietly follows us. For example, dc will be standing nextto him and ask if they can pplease have an icecream. I'm a little behind with toddler but just about hear. He won't answer, he'll leave them to ask ten times or worse, say: 'dc would like an icecream, what do you think Mummy?' argh! Yesterday dd asked him if he would take her to the park to play as ds needed the toilet first when we got there and had asked me to take him. She asked him twice and wasn't answered, so turned to me and said: 'mummy, can daddy take me to the park to wait for ds?' which she often does when he ignores her and I said 'daddy has a voice of his own.' But he says: 'do you think I should, Mummy?'

Just make a fucking decision! And stop calling me Mummy!!!

Oh I wish it was sigyn. Fed up of feeling infuriated! Even if he does do something useful, like get our toddler dressed, he'll have to come to me first to ask a) if he should get her dressed and b) what she should wear. I usually say just something that fits the weather as she and I aren't precious about what she wears but he can't manage it. He'll pick totally non-matching dark coloured long-sleeved and legged clothes for a summers day, then look surprised when dd is too hot and strips five minutes later. I really shouldn't have to pick out the bloody clothes should I?! Otherwise I may as well just dress her myself!

Does he think family time is more important than HIM going to work? I'm guessing not. That's a pretty disrespectful attitude.

Does he do anything at all around the house? Not "to help" but because he lives there and they are (I assume) his kids?

How on earth can you bring yourself to shag this pathetic boyman ?

He sounds infuriating.

Have you told him, ever so gently of course, how much his sappy behaviour winds you up?

He just sounds like an extra child you have to entertain and consider.

I think I would swap him for tax credits.

Kara- x posted .

Sorry, I was actually being rather than doubting your sincerity, iyswim. Didn't put it very well.

I hate the whole concept of helping grown men learn to do something that they should be able to do (or use the internet, ffs) but....how about sitting with him and saying, "this is what needs to happen. It needs to have every fucking morning . Know how you have to get dressed in weather appropriate clothes? So do the kids. Know how you need to brush your teeth? So do the kids.

Maybe sit with him and together discuss what clothes for cold weather, what clothes for hot weather, etc.

Re the Mummy thing. My inlaws do exactly that and I don't care that they are in their late 70s, I want to slap them. Tell him not to.

I'm wondering if there are deeper problems here. He's not pulling his weight, he's not respecting your work and he's calling you a name you don't like. Why is this happening? Are you communicating ok?

I'd book a class/activity that your DH can take your toddler to. One that involves driving/a journey so builds in some time for you. If he's off that day, that's his job to take toddler to. DS does tumbletots during the week. When we miss a class he does it on Saturdays and DH takes him. I'm planning to sign DS up for football soon and that will be DH's job.

My DH does have a hobby (golf) and would spend every waking free hour doing it, but he always takes DS out alone so I get some me time. Yes it does mean we don't always do things together as a family, but that's what holidays are for.

Bloody hell , he sounds pathetic!

Sorry if that's harsh but come on.... calling you Mummy, can't make a decision, is incredibly clingy and wants to cuddle or go back to bed when dd naps? I'd be telling him to bugger right off.

God, he sounds awful. But you do really need to say something to him. It's not your job to train him to be a decent parent and proper partner, but he obviously isn't going to make any effort without a stern warning.

Eeeeuuuuu

I'd have to swat him away like a fly.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Yes I think a lot of this comes down to-

a) is he basically taking the piss?

or

b) is he genuinely very inept with housework and stuff?

b) is not by way of an excuse. And its not right that you should have to sort this out. BUT it might be the easiest and simplest thing.

Failing that, I believe the Hayes manual guys do decent How To guides to childcare and housework. Or youtube will have videos on how to decide what a child needs to wear.

I think part of this is making clear that you will NOT bail him out, but also that you won't undermine his bad choices. If she strips off, well, he has to deal with it, doesn't he?

youtube will have videos on how to decide what a child needs to wear.

Is this a joke? Sorry Sigyn, I don't mean to pick on you but the man isn't brain dead! If he can get himself dressed in the morning, he can get his child dressed.

What Sigyn said, x100.

OP, the standard question on MN, and a good one here, is what do YOU get out of this relationship? The standard answer is 'he's a good dad' but I think you have to consider this one carefully. IMO, a good dad feeds, clothes, disciplines and acts as a PARENT, not just swanning in for the nice Disney stuff.

He's clearly capable of making decisions when it suits him, e.g. about which route to school he prefers, so it sounds like he's being deliberately obtuse to avoid any suggestion that he get more involved in child care.

If he has three days off per week, that's one day more than most fathers get. He absolutely needs to grow up and do some child care to let you get on with your own work in peace.

True, mrsrisotto, but he might look like a right gobshite

And Sigyn's point about not bailing him out for his own bad choices is a great one.

I would go out 1 day a week and leave him to it. Dont tell him what to do and dont criticise if stuff goes wrong. Hr hss to learn this stuff or he is just a vistor in jis own family.
I would also be more direct eg no you will make us late if on school run. Though actually younger kids would never ever be on school run if there was another parent in th e house ... why are you not splitting that?
clothes etc are just details he has to be allowed to be a parent. My dh was taking 3 under 3 out to the park, preschool run, whole weekends etc- he is not super man or childcare genius just their dad doing what dads do.

No, its not a joke, MrsRisotto.

My point is really that if he genuinely does not know how to get a kid dressed-and yes, I am as as anyone else about this-I think in all likelihood he's trying it on- then he can take responsibility for going and finding out. There are very, very easily available resources out there.

Loads of us don't know how to do things that seem very obvious to others. That's not really the issue. DP is absolutely great around the The issue is that he sees it as someone else's job to tell him what to do.

And that's an enormously entitled male thing, IME. Women don't generally do that and nor do men who've done their share around the house. Part of knowing how to do stuff around the house is knowing where to look or who to talk to if you need to work out what to do.

I'd be having a big argument about this. I would be telling my partner what I wanted and leaving it up to him to work out how. He can hold down a decision making job, not to mention get dressed and drive a car-yet suddenly is inept when he has to do dull household shit? . However I don't think that's where the OP is.