A money question

[Bellaboosmum2014]

If a grown up child ( own home/boyfriend/child) comes in a large amount of money say won over £25,000 on the lottery do you think they should give a little to their siblings? Even if it's just £200 or £50 or a present.
Especially if those people helped them when they needed help?

And what about parents if one is struggling and needs helps badly and is suffering from an illness that they can't work? Perhaps struggled for many years to raise that child as a single parent. Bearing in mind all the other parents involved have money and don't need it.
After investing £12,000 into an isa for a house in 5 years do you think its reasonable to blow the rest on a £12,00 car. Bearing in mind this is a family that usually shares everything including time and energy. Just need some feedback thanks

I see where you're coming from OP. £25,000 would mean a lot to me as I don't own my own home and would make a great deposit but I would still give my family a token amount. That said my family is only small and could easily give them say £250 each and there would be plenty left. If you have a large family with lots of nieces/nephews then it becomes more of a problem and where does it stop? What if cousins got wind of your win and they wanted some too and then got miffed if you didn't get them anything. That's where it becomes complicated so maybe your family thought they wouldn't give anyone anything to make it fair.

(stealth boast alert... sorry)
I have the dubious honour of being the so called 'rich' one in our family and get a lot of agro from expectant relatives / friends who think I should help them out all the time.
Now I'm not driving a Porsche or anything like that but a few years back my parents gave the family farm to me (2000 acres, 12 bed house, several cottages etc which are rented out, a couple of other associated businesses). Yes on paper I'm well off but it's all in assets - not disposable cash I can fritter away at the drop of a hat.

Result is that everyone thinks I'm f*cking loaded and should pay for everything. I'm not pleading poverty or anything but I'm not living the life of riley either. My car is 6 years old, I shop in the local supermarket like everyone else, buy stuff when it's on offer , shop around , same as most people on here I guess.

So why the hell should I be the one expected to contribute more to a joint present or pick up the lions share of the bill when we go out for dinner as group or buy nieces and nephews / friends DC's that I don't even see that often expensive gifts?

The level of expectation is phenomenal - my father always told me this would happen, and now I see why it used to pee him off so much.

Bottom line - if you've got money and don't want to give it away hand over fist, then keep it a bloody secret!
O.P, you are V unreasonable expecting handouts BUT your DD is also unreasonable to tell you about the win and then refuse to share!

Her nieces, nephews and younger siblings are not her financial responsibility. Neither are you. You chose to have four children, none of them asked to be born and none of them owe you money for raising them.

Buying a car and house deposit is sensible. Surely your rent is paid for you if you don't work and if disabled to the extent of being housebound then DLA will pay for a car.

I would keep any winnings very quiet.

Your DD has shown you what her priorities are, now show her yours. You and your younger DD are your priority. Stop giving your older DD handouts. Do not contribute to the party and tell her why. If you do, you've only got yourself to blame.

I would feel that you shouldn't be giving what you can't afford re the event. And go to the CAB/benefits office and see how you could get money for the new car. I personally would see it as a matter of pride not to mention the lack of family help.

Oh, OP, I feel a bit sad for you.

I think she should have helped her mum out a bit if you are struggling that much. It would have been the generous and kind thing to do.

I wouldn't expect her to give handouts left right and centre to siblings and nephews and nieces though.

In her shoes I'd put 23k down as a house deposit, spend 1k on nice stuff (holidays) and split 1k between family members.

I don't understand why you think she should give you her money? If she had a high paying job would you expect her to fund you, or is it just because it is money she has won that you feel entitled to it?

I really feel for you OP

What would you have done if your DD hadn't won the money and your car broke down ?
Can you get advice from CAB re: DLA in relation to your disability?

OP I'm sorry this is happening to you. From your initial post I agree your dd shouldn't have to give you money but reading on I'm afraid your family doesn't work the way you think. You have always made such an effort to look after her but she has just become 'entitled' ( as everyone says on here ) and so doesn't value you - she is just taking everything for granted.

All you can do, as mentioned above, is concentrate on your youngest dd and yourself.

Have you told her you feel like this? She obviously doesn't realise that this is the way your family do things?

If I won £25,000 I wouldn't give any to my family and they wouldn't give me anything in the reverse situation and nor would I expect them to.

It would be different if I won millions but £25,000 isn't a huge, life changing amount.

I agree that it's mean of her not to help you if you are struggling because of illness but I'm not sure why you think she should give anything to her siblings. You keep saying that it is not how your family works but that isn't really for you to decide if your child is an adult. You're not in charge anymore.

I think if my mother was disabled and struggling I would share with her - more than just a meal out

I suspect the OP feels disappointed that this seems all one way traffic. Yes her daughter has her 'own family' to think of but surely her Mum comes under that bracket as well. Of course the money is hers to do exactly what she wants with it but I do agree it would be upsetting to not feel at all included in a windfall even in a small way.

My parents have done a lot for me over the years and although I have my own children I wouldn't think twice about sharing with them - especially if they were in difficulties. Neither of my parents had much money when they grew up and when my father did well later in life he shared it with his siblings and in laws and I hope I would do the same.

OP you sound just like my mother (although she is not disabled and I've never won any money). The tone is very martyr-ish and self pitying. She was always listing everything she had ever given me and making out like I owed her for being fed/watered/housed. She was always offering to pay for things she "couldn't afford" just so she could throw it back in my face. Kind of like what you appearing to be doing now with the whole cutting your food budget to pay for a party.

If you can't afford something then just say no, don't agree to it so you can pull out the "I've made loads of sacrifices for you" card when things are going well for her.

Also, her nieces and nephews are not her responsibility. If SIL came into any money I would not consider DD (her only DN and favourite person in the world) to have any claim to it.

I'm quite surprised at the responses.

If I won £25k it wouldn't go far. I'd get the kitchen redone, maybe some other redecorating and put the rest against the mortgage. I'd maybe buy some treats for family or friends that I wouldn't otherwise. It wouldn't be enough to upgrade from flat to house for instance so not life changing. None of my family are struggling for money. But if £1k of that would get a member of my family out of a hole then I wouldn't hesitate. And, most pertinently with regard to this thread, I would also feel upset if I was the family member who was struggling a bit and my sibling flaunted their windfall like this without a thought for me. I agree she is being mean but the hard facts are it is her money and it is up to her. I can't imagine leaving my parents in your situation in these circumstances.

You know where you stand now though.

If I won 25K I would not spend any of it on parents or siblings. Most of it would go on the mortgage (and would make a very small dent!) and perhaps we'd go on a nice holiday. I wouldn't broadcast it to anyone though.

YABVVVVU

this is a hard. one i will be honest .if i won £25000 and my mum was struggling then yes i would have gave her money for car say £5000 .because i now my wonderfull mum god rest her would have gave me it .no questions asked .

Reading the responses it seems fairly clear there are two camps - those that would support their mother and those who wouldn't.

The difficulty lies in that the OP clearly thought her daughter would take the same view as her as this is a family that usually shares everything and is disappointed that her daughter is firmly in the other camp.

There is no way round it except live and learn

I think it's completely unreasonable to expect anything - especially the siblings.

However we are a very close family with 3 siblings myself and if I won that amount then yes I would more than likely give some to my parents who have done a lot for me and don't have a lot of money.

However not their responsibility to give their money to all the family. Where would it end? If they got a bonus, a pay-rise would they be expected to share the wealth too?

DH's family used to expect him to give them money as well because he earns quite a good salary and they don't work much or at all. It used to make us feel really used and resentful. I'm sure they would argue that family should share everything as well, but the fact is they were only interested in sharing because they would be the ones to benefit.

We're quite careful now that we're older and wiser to give the impression that we haven't got any spare money, otherwise they would be lining up.

If I won £25'000 I would absolutely give some to my mom and my sister. They both struggle financially and if I had the means to really help them then of course I would.

Only those two though - I wouldn't be giving handouts to all my family

When I inherited this sum of money when I was I think 25 (brother got the same), I didn't have own home, invested a lot of it and treated people as and when.

I didn't even tell my half brother and half sisters about it in case they expected a hand out and they got nicer birthday presents (jewellery).

None of anyone else's business, the person getting the money should do what they feel/want with it and it should be in my experience/opinion no way an expectation on them to share it etc.

watchingthedetectives
Reading the responses it seems fairly clear there are two camps - those that would support their mother and those who wouldn't

I'd support MY mother. I don't know if I'd support THIS mother if I was her daughter.

The daughter has done nothing wrong - saved half, bought a car and has 1k left - hardly the life of riley.

I think the upshot of this is that families shouldn't expect anything in the way of handouts.

I've been lucky in that in the past both my brother and I have been helped out in various ways financially from my mum (father died ages ago, got stepfather).

A few of these times we've paid my mum back (and had the arrangement that it was a loan not a gift). Sometimes she treats it as a gift. But there's no way we would be expecting money even when she dies.