Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent DH for having a lie-in AND a nap...

79 replies

sadsaddersaddest · 08/06/2014 14:21

When I am hallucinating with sleep deprivation?

He woke up at 10 this morning. By that time I had given our 3 DCs breakfast, got the youngest two dressed and brushed their teeth, emptied the dishwasher, done two loads of washing.
Now he is sleeping on the sofa.
I have had two naps since DC3 was born 19 months ago, and that was when we were staying with his family.

If I say anything he will tell me that he had a "bad night".
Well I have bad nights every night because DC3 still wakes up 3 or 4 times, and I have to cope. I don't choose to stay up watching TV until 3 AM.

Sorry about the rant - I have no one to talk to in RL.

OP posts:
Ellenora5 · 08/06/2014 19:08

Jesus, that man is abusing you, I really feel for you because I went through the same thing, it's very hard to leave, I know, but you will find the strength at some point, have you access to your own money op, is their anywhere you could go to get some head space for a while and think about things, would it be easier if you didn't home educate ( i know nothing about that though so that might not help) how old are the other children, maybe if you bottle fed the baby at night or weaned him altogether and started getting some proper sleep you would be able to think more clearly about things, I'm so sorry for you, would you ring womens aid and have a chat with them.

RoseberryTopping · 08/06/2014 19:12

Wow OP. Do you realise that his behaviour is not normal? You must feel so heavy and weighed down by him :(

calzone · 08/06/2014 19:18

This is horrific!!!!

So not a thread about napping?

Is he from another culture OP?

ConfusedConfusedConfused

YouTheCat · 08/06/2014 19:18

What a vile abusive arse!

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 08/06/2014 19:28

op think about the effect this mans behaviour will have in your dc. Will it be ok if you have dds and they follow your footsteps and let a man treat them like this as they think it's the norm. Or if you have ds, will it be ok for them to treat their wife's like this had have a pervers swewd outlook on women.

He is so abusive Op and it won't be reserved for you

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 08/06/2014 19:30

*only.

You sound so ground down, but dig deep and leave this wanker for at least the sake of your kids.

EverythingCounts · 08/06/2014 19:43

Bloody hell, OP, that is a whole other level of wrong. You have to get yourself and the kids out of that. What family and friends do you have close by? Who owns the house you live in, or is it rented?

Original poster
sadsaddersaddest · 08/06/2014 20:10

Thank you all.

calzone he is from another culture, but he is an atheist. The thread is not only about napping, but seeing him sleep on the sofa when I am so tired is the only thing that I still manage to get angry about. The rest of the time, I just feel numb.

I am still clinging to the hope that things can change. I hope that perhaps, once the DCs grow up and become more independent, things will improve. I know I am probably deluded.
I have no support network. If we were to split, the problem would not be money but childcare.

I have to put the DCs to bed now. I'll try to come back tomorrow.

Thanks again for reminding me that it is not a normal situation.

OP posts:
parakeet · 08/06/2014 20:13

Look, you asked for opinions, so here are mine. Firstly, stop ironing. It's completely unnecessary.

Secondly, stop breastfeeding. At 19 months, it's also unnecessary.

Thirdly, LTB - he sounds like a twat.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2014 20:26

I have to agree about stopping breastfeeding. I was still breastfeeding my daughter at that age and it was only when I was driving to work on the motorway and thought, "I'll just have a little sleep until my exit (due in .5 miles)" that I realised just how exhausted I was. That was the day I stopped - I told her it had all gone and you know what? She didn't mind at all. I had envisaged all hell breaking loose, but she really didn't mind and after that she slept through.

diddl · 08/06/2014 20:31

When you had one child and he was at home with it he expected you to do everything.
You've gone on to have two more with no change by the sounds of things, so I wouldn't hold out too much hope for improvement.

calzone · 08/06/2014 20:36

Depending on culture (and nothing to do with believing in God) is how he treats you as a woman.

He has no respect for you at all.

In our house, Dh works long hours and is exhausted a lot of the time.

I work school hours and sort the house and children out.

However, due to a very late night on Thursday, I was knackered. I cooked dinner and ate it then told DH I was exhausted and needed to sleep.....I was in bed by 7.30pm and he sorted the boys and the kitchen etc

He loves me. He respects me and cares for me. I would do the same for him.

You need to leave him. Soon. He sounds deranged and jealous.

Itsfab · 08/06/2014 20:39

What do you want to do sss as you seriously can not carry on living like this.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/06/2014 20:59

I agree with the poster who mentioned the example you are setting to your children.

Even though they are young they are well able to pick up on the dynamics of the relationship and as they get older they will start to understand it more.

Your daughters will know it is normal to be controlled and dictated to and used as some kind of slave and will never expect respect from her future husband.

Your sons will grow up knowing that treating women like shit is perfectly normal.

Is that what you want?

teenagersknowall · 08/06/2014 21:47

DOP you need to put your foot down. There is no point feeling quietly resentful while he sleeps. TELL HIM this is not on! He probably has no idea. He is taking the mickey. Seriously. He's having a laugh.

Shakey1500 · 08/06/2014 21:54

Bloody hell, I've read some things about relationships but this is absolutely awful Sad

He is a wanker of the highest order. I wouldn't even be bothering trying to improve/fix things, I'd be chucking his things in a bin bag and telling him to piss off. What a vile excuse for a man and a father.

careeristbitchnigel · 08/06/2014 21:58

hope that perhaps, once the DCs grow up and become more independent, things will improve

Is he going to change his view that you go swimming to look at men's genitalia because you children are older ?

Thought not

Aeroflotgirl · 08/06/2014 22:09

So Sad for you op, he sounds very nasty and awful. Have you tried telling him how you feel? It sounds like you have been down about this for a while. Mabey not now, but you do need to look to the future probably without this man. Please contact Womans Aid.

Humansatnav · 09/06/2014 07:24

Op please ask fir this thread to be moved to Relationships, for more excellent advice.
You are in an abusive relationship my love, but there is support out there. Flowers

Itsfab · 09/06/2014 07:44

teenagersknowall

HE has no idea? Don't be so silly. He knows exactly what he is doing.

MrsMook · 09/06/2014 09:09

He is being abusive and will not change. The only way that a change can happen is from you to end this.

I was going to have a mild moan that DH sleeps in and naps, but the critical difference is that I have my own life. I can leave the house to exercise, have hobbies weekends away. He cares for the family, he balances my share housework with DIY. The relationship has balance. We have mutual respect. There is no fear of sulks or tantrums. No supression of personal freedom. No undermining or insulting.

Please get practical advice on what to do next.

oxfordcomma75 · 09/06/2014 09:45

Omg op. I was going to come on here after reading op and say my dh is just the same re lie ins and naps. He also thinks I sit on my arse all day whilst he is hard at work. I have 3dc too including a toddler. The youngest still breastfeed s in the night but I co sleep in dds room. Saves dh complaing that we kept him up. I also sleep better that way.
However, there is a distinct difference. I can come and go as I please.
Deep down I know I need to leave or get him to leave but it is even more pressing for you.
Agree you should contact womens aid and go on entitled to to heck what benefits you would be entitled to.

OnlyLovers · 09/06/2014 09:53

Oh God, this is much worse than initially seemed.

OP, no wonder you're ground down. Please move this to Relationships and talk to Women's Aid.

You deserve better.

pianodoodle · 09/06/2014 10:01

I have no one to talk to in RL. No one would believe me anyway because he has such a charming, selfless public persona.

Actually I think there is a lot more awareness about the fact that these sorts of people generally do make a huge effort to appear wonderful in public and lots of people will believe you!

Whether you have boys or girls you would be doing them all a massive favour to stand up to this sexism and awful treatment and teach them that this is not the way a woman (or a man) should be treated.

pianodoodle · 09/06/2014 10:02

Also - we are all people in RL and we believe you!