To ask my parents to move out ?

[mummymcphee]

My parents offered to help me out with 2 days week childcare in return for board and lodging (they do buy some food).

My dad has been a big support to me since I escaped an abusive relationship whilst pregnant. He has helped with household chores and cooking and childcare where able since my DD was born. I work full time they are both retired.

My mum has been quite hostile towards me (including during DD's birth where she was absent for long stretches) and since moving in to my house she has set up a business and is out of the house at every opportunity, she told me she can't be the mother I wan't or need her to be and that she is unable to provide me with the emotional support I need and that she is keeping interaction with me to a minimum so she can survive the next year unscathed. Last weekend my parents went to visit my brother to ask him if they could move in with him. I was unaware this was their plan and my brother phoned me on wednesday to say my mum had said she had problems bonding with my daughter. Needless to say he didn't want them to move in.

When I talked to my mum about it today she just repeated... 'ididn't go behind your back' 'i don't need your love' and 'i can't be the mother you want me to be' and our relationship is 'irreparably damaged'. Our last heated discussion was when the dishwasher broke and I asked her about help to get it fixed. She ran upstairs to my dad and he came out defending her as he always does saying that I was lazy for not being prepared to wash the dishes as they have no money to help with repairs (it's their dishwasher and I was asking out of courtesy.) She denied today having said she hadn't bonded with my dd and said that it was our relationship that was permanently damaged.

Do I really have to live with this situation for the next year...they have been with me for two years now? I feel so lonely!!!

thanks thumb....I have taken onboard everyone's point of view and it has helped the penny to drop that mum's behaviour was/is not acceptable in a loving family.

when I had a chat with my brother we discussed her increasing hostility, lack of insight and absent empathy and even wondered if it could be the first signs of dementia (my grandmother & great grandmother had it). Mum is 62.

Well they should give notice to their tenant's, put the house on the market, sell it to buy something smaller/more affordable.... None of this is your problem

They are adults, try somehow to stop making their housing your responsibility. And please make a move now if there is a chance that you'll end up caring for her forever if she does develop dementia (did the other family members have it so early though?). I'm sure that sounds heartless but I don't see any evidence that your mum has treated you with any heart.

thanks 43 percent burn....you are right. Getting childcare vouchers via work is something that has been on my to do list for a long time and I wish I had sorted it. In my defence I have an over the top stressy nhs job looking after patients with complex health needs and on top of looking after DD and the house and the situation with mum and dad it got left.

hettie I have always tried to look after people and am finding it hard that the situation with mum and dad is unfixable. I agree it is not my problem but I still love them and want them to be happy.

Well it could be, yes, but from what you've said, she's always been a bit like it - is that so? In which case, it's less likely to be dementia and more likely to be older-person inhibition/care loss! But yes, dementia is also a possibility so perhaps a) suggest it to both your parents and b) suggest that she goes to the GP for a check. That should be interesting!

It is possible that your relationship might actually improve if you weren't living together.

Childcare vouchers take one phone all to employer, then test usually done online. Really easy.

Iggi my great grandmother got it early late fifties/early sixties and my grandmother was 76. It has always been a nagging worry that I would be dealing with the scenario of lone parent to DD and carer for mum and dad.

My mum has had a hard life....abuse at an early age ( she told me about this in detail when I was 12) and she got bad PND and both me and my brother were placed in care for a while. She had ECT treatment. Then dad had a breakdown and lost his job.....etc etc . I can see why she is damaged.

if it could be the first signs of dementia (my grandmother & great grandmother had it). Mum is 62

This is what I was thinking when reading your original post - has she always been like this or has her behaviour got worse recently - if it's a complete personality change it may be something to consider - maybe they could get a council place if your mum is vulnerable?

heehiles she has aged a lot in the last 2 years and her personality has become brittle and inflexible. It is a very sensitive subject as she has always prided herself on her IQ and intellectual abilty. When I asked her if anything was wrong when she was storming around the house when my nephew was visiting she behaved like a stroppy teenager and threw herself around.

My DD has just woken up!!! Night Night all and thanks for keeping company it has helped me to think things through.

Just wanted to point out that if someone is found intentionally homeless by the Council's housing options/homeless department, that makes no difference to whether they can claim housing benefit or not. Housing benefit purely looks at a person's income and savings. Being intentionally homeless will only affect if they want the council to rehouse them... If they secure their own accommodation in the private sector it won't matter.
You deserve happiness OP... I hope you get things sorted x

You do not have to become her carer. You so not have to sacrifice your life and your dd's in this way. Give your own children the life your mother should have had herself.