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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents to move out ?

86 replies

mummymcphee · 07/06/2014 23:38

My parents offered to help me out with 2 days week childcare in return for board and lodging (they do buy some food).

My dad has been a big support to me since I escaped an abusive relationship whilst pregnant. He has helped with household chores and cooking and childcare where able since my DD was born. I work full time they are both retired.

My mum has been quite hostile towards me (including during DD's birth where she was absent for long stretches) and since moving in to my house she has set up a business and is out of the house at every opportunity, she told me she can't be the mother I wan't or need her to be and that she is unable to provide me with the emotional support I need and that she is keeping interaction with me to a minimum so she can survive the next year unscathed. Last weekend my parents went to visit my brother to ask him if they could move in with him. I was unaware this was their plan and my brother phoned me on wednesday to say my mum had said she had problems bonding with my daughter. Needless to say he didn't want them to move in.

When I talked to my mum about it today she just repeated... 'ididn't go behind your back' 'i don't need your love' and 'i can't be the mother you want me to be' and our relationship is 'irreparably damaged'. Our last heated discussion was when the dishwasher broke and I asked her about help to get it fixed. She ran upstairs to my dad and he came out defending her as he always does saying that I was lazy for not being prepared to wash the dishes as they have no money to help with repairs (it's their dishwasher and I was asking out of courtesy.) She denied today having said she hadn't bonded with my dd and said that it was our relationship that was permanently damaged.

Do I really have to live with this situation for the next year...they have been with me for two years now? I feel so lonely!!!

OP posts:
Nomama · 08/06/2014 08:46

Do you and your DB have a close relationship? Mainly, does he fully understand how you are feeling about this and would he support you in telling them to go?

If so then you have an ally that can help you tell your Ps and also the other rellies, to leave you alone, to stop being so judgmental - and wrong.

Take a deep breath, grab his help and just do it.

TeamEdward · 08/06/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parakeet · 08/06/2014 21:00

Your parents sound vile - they're not normal. Get them out of your lives.

eddielizzard · 08/06/2014 21:07

this is not good for you or your dd. she can still have a relationship with your dad, but this situation can't go on. life is too short for this shit. honestly you'd be so much better off without them in your life. really.

Barefootgirl · 08/06/2014 21:16

Your parents are hideous people. i am so sorry, i know its awful not to have the "normal" love and affection from your parents that everyone else seems to have...but you jsut have to accept that you don't have that. Its not you, its them, 100%, and you will NEVER be able to earn their love and affection. I think your mother is one of themost appalling, disgraceful people I have come across on MN, and i think you are probably a lovely, strong courageous person who has been ground down by these dreadful people your whole life. .

Justtoobad · 08/06/2014 21:30

Everything Barefoot says. You deserve to be on your own and be happy.

my2centsis · 08/06/2014 22:17

Nothing incredibly helpful to say unfortunately but just wanted to say you are much stronger then you think you are...

Look what you have accomplished so far!!

I have faith in you op! You sound like an amazing young women!

Original poster
mummymcphee · 08/06/2014 23:21

I have survived another weekend with the various undercurrents of unhappiness emanating from mum and dad really gets it I think and has thrown himself into trying to help me by cooking some nice meals. He is really aware I think that his time with DD is finite as if they move it will be to the other end of the UK and I think this makes him very sad.

I usually spend weekends out doing things with DD and visiting people to distract from what is going on at home but I just stayed at home with DD and did stuff around the house reflecting on what I need to say and do in order to move forward.

I did pop out to visit a friend who is also a single mum and she has also struggled very much to work and make ends meet with the help of maintenance. We had a cry together. She feels trapped but in a different way to me.

Thanks for all the good advice overnight. I have been embroiled in DD's activities all day but it all made good supportive reading tonight. I have been trying to assess wether I have delibrately portrayed mum in a particularly negative way but sadly that's not the case.

Thanks random for the good template email...something I hadn't considered.

Nomama my brother has been great. He spent his first year in a different foster home to me but we are incredibly close. I know he understands which does make me less lonely.

My2centsis Thanks

I suppose this thread is just living proof that escaping from a difficult relationship is a bit of a journey into how you got into it in the first place. Here is to breaking the cycle so that DD does not have to put up with any toxic relationships. xx

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/06/2014 00:16

You have proved that you can beat the abuse cycle, all you need is to take that one little baby step forward to rid yourself of her toxic influence altogether, oh and make sure that your DB doesnt take them in when you kick them out.

Would your father stay if you said that he could as long as she wasnt there? Might be worth considering (not as childcare but to help him escape too).

Iflyaway · 09/06/2014 01:41

Early 60,s elderly?!

Well, I,m 59 and feel nowhere near it.

My parents went on a jolly driving around half of Spain at the age of 80...

Good luck. You sound amazing, especially having to deal with such a toxic mother.

DaffyDuck88 · 09/06/2014 11:51

Good to hear you sounding a little more resolved OP! You are in a difficult place at the moment but think of everything you've dealt with and survived so far. You are doing your best to think rationally about the situation and thats to be commended. A future without your parents literally on your doorstop might be scary, but just imagine the difference it will make by losing all that stress and any dread of coming home - walking into god knows what kind of atmosphere. It will be a weight lifted from your shoulders. Then, yes you need to plan really carefully what you do next and how you deal with your finances just as we all have to. You obviously love your DD and want whats best for her. You are self aware enough to be worried about repeating past toxic patterns and thats great, lots of people aren't. You both deserve to find the love and support you need, but you have to not be so hard on yourself. Think of that sunny day in the none too distant future when you and little one can come home, throw open the windows and let some fresh air through your own home and life.
Take very good care of yourselves.

Oldraver · 09/06/2014 13:07

Your Dad hasn't worked for 35 years Shock, has someone else paying his mortgage while he is sponging off his daughter who is a full time working single parent..........and you are the lazy one ?

Its true they need you far more than you need them.

Ioethe · 09/06/2014 13:35

You might find this a helpful book

www.amazon.co.uk/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

HecatePropylaea · 09/06/2014 13:39

Sounds like your mum hates being there.

I wonder how much more difficult your life would be without her in your home. ok, you'd have more practical stuff to do but you wouldn't have to live in what sounds like a miserable situation all round.

I know it's scary to take the plunge into total independence, but really, do you want to continue to live like this?

I would say look, it's not working out, you're not happy, I'm not happy, it's not good for my child to be raised in a home where there's an atmosphere and unhappiness, you need to leave.

Suefla62 · 09/06/2014 15:14

You say you have a single Mum friend. Would it be possible for her to move in, when the parents are gone, you could help each other out with childcare and splitting the bills might help both of you out?

Original poster
mummymcphee · 09/06/2014 22:28

Bogey they very much come as a package my dad has been totally dependant on my mum socially and financially for three decades.

I had a good chat with DB tonight and he very much assured me that none of this was our fault or our stuff to deal with and that mum was complex. She left us with our dad when I was ten to go and do a degree 800 miles away and we saw her two or three times a year. Now I have a DD I am horrified that she was able to do that but it meant financial survival when my dad was unemployable so there is a smattering of admiration for her ability to provide as she eventually got a good job.

I fly I definitely do not consider early sixties elderly so hope I didn't offend...my parents seem to feel and behave very much older than their years in a lot of ways. I expexted a younger outlook on a lot of things.

Old raver I did say to them last time the lazy label was thrown out there that I felt it was projection and that I was the one working. My dad only shouts at me when mum has gone running to him as they are very interdependant.

Iothe I am going to consider the book...maybe I should leave it on the coffee table Grin

Sue I did consider a houseshare with my friend but she seems focused on finding another relationship at the moment and I am just craving a calm, stable home.

Thanks for all the fabulous advice everyone. I feel less wobbly about tackling the situation. Thanks

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 10/06/2014 19:15

So your dad shouts at you? In your own home. Does he shout at your DD while looking after her?

And because he "only" shouts when your Mum causes it it's not his fault, obvs, so he has no reason to change the way he treats you. In your own home.

You really need To get out of this tóxico situation. Be that strong person you already are and tell them to sling their hooks.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 11/06/2014 21:47

well that was painful. I just suggested to mum that given that she was so unhappy living in my house that perhaps we could look at them relocating. I added that I was unhappy about her saying she didn't want or need my love and I couldn't live with someone who has said they would keep interaction with me to a minimum for the next year. She glared, then looked frightened and left without speaking. When I challenged her lack of response she just said " you have made it very clear from day one that I am an awful human being" and went to bed.

Ouch!!!! My brother has offered to take them if the situation unravels which it has :-(

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/06/2014 21:53

Whatever you do, dont let your brother take them.

You know that it will end up with him being taken advantage of just as you have and feeling just as you do.

You must present a united front and tell your parents together that your free B&Bs have stopped doing business and they need to stand on their own 2 feet.

AdoraBell · 11/06/2014 21:54

She is manipulating like tóxico abusive people do.

Don't fall for it.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 11/06/2014 22:31

thanks bogey...I don't want them to be homeless though. Sad

Father's day is going to be a bit tense this year!!!! Not only is DD's dad not speaking to me but I have no doubt my own father will be giving me the angry silent treatment from now on. I feel so much like I am the cause of everyone's hatred towards me and it's me not them.

I hate my life (apart from my gorgeous DD) Thanks Adora I still have difficulty taking a birdseye view of my mum's behaviour towards me and seeing it for what it is. I just want her to love me............

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/06/2014 22:36

mummy they wouldnt be though would they? They can afford rent, just not the mortgage on the massive place they bought. They just dont want to spend anything by the sound of it.

Thumbwitch · 11/06/2014 22:52

Good crikey your mum has really done a number on you, hasn't she!! They won't be homeless, as in on the streets, they can move out to a B&B or even small hotel until they find somewhere to live/remove the tenants from their own house!!

Your brother absolutely should not take them - it's only further enabling their godawful abusive toxicity.

How dare she say that to you!! I'm livid on your behalf - after what she's said to you over the time she's been living with you she has so much cheek!

As for "i just want her to love me" - she doesn't and she isn't going to. I doubt she's capable of loving anyone other than herself, and from what she's said, she probably doesn't even love herself that much either. BUT! That is not your problem, and you can't fix her - you can only do what is right for you and that is to insist that they leave as you refuse to live in the atmosphere that she is creating in your home, and absolutely refuse to have your DD put up with it too!

Original poster
mummymcphee · 11/06/2014 22:53

it's not that massive just beyond their means now mum has retired (their mortgage that is). If they decide to move back they will need to give their tennan'ts two months notice. Mum has told me before that they wouldn't be entitled to housing benefit if they sell their house as they would have made themselves intentionally homeless'.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 11/06/2014 23:02

Hi sorry to change the direction of the thread but you say you are not entitled to child tax credit. Do you claim childcare vouchers through work? You receive them from your gross salary thus reducing your childcare costs. This combined with your lower bills once they leave may help. Apologies if you already claim them. And apologies for changing the topic.