To ask my parents to move out ?

[mummymcphee]

My parents offered to help me out with 2 days week childcare in return for board and lodging (they do buy some food).

My dad has been a big support to me since I escaped an abusive relationship whilst pregnant. He has helped with household chores and cooking and childcare where able since my DD was born. I work full time they are both retired.

My mum has been quite hostile towards me (including during DD's birth where she was absent for long stretches) and since moving in to my house she has set up a business and is out of the house at every opportunity, she told me she can't be the mother I wan't or need her to be and that she is unable to provide me with the emotional support I need and that she is keeping interaction with me to a minimum so she can survive the next year unscathed. Last weekend my parents went to visit my brother to ask him if they could move in with him. I was unaware this was their plan and my brother phoned me on wednesday to say my mum had said she had problems bonding with my daughter. Needless to say he didn't want them to move in.

When I talked to my mum about it today she just repeated... 'ididn't go behind your back' 'i don't need your love' and 'i can't be the mother you want me to be' and our relationship is 'irreparably damaged'. Our last heated discussion was when the dishwasher broke and I asked her about help to get it fixed. She ran upstairs to my dad and he came out defending her as he always does saying that I was lazy for not being prepared to wash the dishes as they have no money to help with repairs (it's their dishwasher and I was asking out of courtesy.) She denied today having said she hadn't bonded with my dd and said that it was our relationship that was permanently damaged.

Do I really have to live with this situation for the next year...they have been with me for two years now? I feel so lonely!!!

Are you renting or buying yourself?

Just thinking your options would be easier if you are renting.

Bogeyface I think they are very worried about their financial security and as they own their own home ( big mortgage ) there are limited benefits they are entitled to.

Financially everyone is struggling I know that but I think I am making poorer financial choices as my self esteem is so low! I am just getting the courage to have the chat with them.

It's weird at the end of the day I still crave their love and approval cos they are my parents. I just pray I have a better relationship with my DD

I know Brian I looked into selling my home for a while but I love the area, school etc where I live and renting would actually cost more...also I worked hard to get my house on my own.

'I just pray I have a better relationship with my DD'

That's unlikely isn't it?

Are you really willing to risk testing the theory out on your DD?

I'm slightly bewildered as to why you let them move in in the first place if your relationship with your mother is so bad! I wouldn't have my mother in my home if she behaved like that to me, not under any circumstance.
When I split from my ex-fiancé (he left) she suggested I moved home again for a while - not a hope! And I got on with her a lot better than it sounds like you get on with yours.

Of course you can ask them to leave. They have their own home, they can always retrieve it from the tenants (with 2m notice), it's not YOUR responsibility to house them. They are making your life in your own home untenable. They have tried to move out to somewhere else so clearly they're not happy either - so you might just as well suggest that they go elsewhere sharpish, as the current arrangement isn't benefiting anyone as much as had been hoped.

I hesitate to ask because it doesn't really make any difference, but is there a cultural element to this? just the whole "being cut off by various family members" thing because you left an abusive partner - why on earth?

stay I realise that it is all interlinked but I so didn't want to turn into a victim. I have had problems forming relationships my entire life and I know a lot ofthis stems from childhood. My brother got the same t-shirt and so is 100 per cent in my corner but is reluctant to get too involved as it is all quite painful.

You're going to have to be strong mate and tell them. It will be truly horrible for a while but you have to stick to your guns. For your dd's sake. You can't imagine being in this situation for a year or two more. So don't be. You'll always get support here when things get tough.

Thumb no cultural element. I think some relatives feel I should have made better choices and when I found out I was expecting DD and then single not having DD was one of the options put forward.

Writing this stuff is making me realise it is all horrible and I've just bottled it all up.

Oh goodness, what a horrible bunch of people you are related to! (Brother excepted, by the sounds of it).

Craving abusive parents' approval is very normal - but it's something you need to break free from. They are never going to give it (years of experience shows this to be true, you just feel like you can't ever give up, but you have to) so you might as well stop trying.

Your DD is very little at the moment, so they won't have started destroying her self-confidence and ability to form good relationships yet - but it won't be long. I can't believe that they managed to turn their own negligence back onto you after she was hurt, that's gobsmackingly appalling!

Please do throw them out forthwith, let them find rental accommodation since your mother seems to have a fairly thriving business - and then I'd consider going No Contact with them, for both your own and your DD's sake. She might love her grandad to bits now but how long is that going to last? And even if your parents do decide to love and know her, it won't be long before they start to poison her against you as well. They sound utterly toxic - your father too because he is enabling your mother - even weakness is toxic because it leaves you out in the cold.

(((hugs))) because it's so dismal - but truly you would be better off without their energy-sapping influence in your lives. xx

Thumb I agreed to them moving in when I was pregnant and working full time and had know idea how I was going to cope with stressful nhs job and baby (wasn't able to take full maternity leave). I was feeling vulnerable as ex had been arrested and cautioned for assaulting me and was still living close by. Ex has since moved on.

I need to man up and just tell them to go.

Ah I understand - yes, I think I might even have considered it under those circumstances too.

Bogeyface I think they are very worried about their financial security and as they own their own home ( big mortgage ) there are limited benefits they are entitled to.

And that is why you are in control here. They just dont want you to realise that.

I need to man up and just tell them to go.
Yes, you do.

I am sorry to have to say this in such a way because I am not a "its just words on a screen" person, I realise that sometimes what I say may hurt someone. But I think you need to hear this.

They will never love you as you deserve to be loved. They will never respect you as you deserve to be respected. Nothing you do will ever be right, or enough.

They will never love you as much as they love themselves. They will never see your DD as anything but something to be manipulated to get their own way with you.

You need to come to terms with the fact that the love you give to your daughter will never be a love you receive from your parents. They are using you because it suits them. The healthiest thing you can do for you and your DD is to kick them out and cut them off. Complete no contact.

I am sorry xx

Why on earth did they blame you for an accident that happened to DD in their care?

It sounds to me as if they have turned everything around onto you. THEY need somewhere to live so YOU need them.... The accident was their responsibility so they blame you. They sound like they use attack as a form of defense.

I think you'd be fine on your own and they probably cost a lot more than you realize. I bet rent, bills etc for a 1 bed flat is more than two days worth of childcare.

I hope you figure this out OP. Time to put yourself and DD first.

I think they are very worried about their financial security and as they own their own home ( big mortgage ) there are limited benefits they are entitled to

easy solution...they can sell and downsize or rent somewhere to live. they have options but they prefer to freeload off you whilst at the same time chipping away at what is left of your self esteem and confidence. they're behaving like leeches - not parents. let them go.

Mmm, they remind me of my grandmother who lived with us and she always made her dislike of me very patent.

Good luck with all the changes, OP.

OP both you and DD deserve so much better than the way your parents are using you for housing/finance and her for emotionally blackmailing you.

Tell them, stick to your guns and then once they've left, which I suspect they will resist for a while, enjoy your peaceful home with DD.

They will never love you as you deserve to be loved. They will never respect you as you deserve to be respected. Nothing you do will ever be right, or enough.

This is spot on & I will add this

"they will never the parents (or grandparent) you want them to be, they will never be the parents you deserve."

Of course your dd loves them, she spends a lot of time with them & isn't aware of who they really are. She doesn't know any different, op & this is exactly why you need to get them out of her life before they damage her, how they have damaged you.

You have convinced yourself that what happened to your dd is your fault for working, it isn't, it is theirs for their wholly inadequate supervision.

How many times has your daughter hurt herself because of this & you haven't known? I would bet it was more then once, but because it wasn't an A&E job, you have no idea & she is too young to tell you.

They don't care about you. That is very apparent in their attitude. They tolerate the care of your daughter for free lodgings, believe me! people like this NEVER do anything for anyone else, it is all about them! This is also why your mother now works, because she doesn't actually want to care for your daughter, she just needs a cheaper place to stay.

Has she declared her earnings?

The 'I don't need your love' is the most cold hearted thing I have heard for a while. So she doesn't need/want your love, but she wants to live rent free, in your home? All the while allowing her family to criticize & belittle you, off the back of her gossiping to them?

If you lived in their home, do you think they would have let you stay so long?

You are well within your rights to ask them to leave, op.

They won't like it.
They will gossip about to relatives, who will continue to belittle you
They will kick off
They will try to pit your db against you

Be prepared for that. But on the upside, how much nicer will your life be? And knowing that your dd won't grow up in the toxic environment you did will be the biggest burden off your shoulders.

Rather then an au pair, what about free/cheap accommodation to a uni student. You can CRB check them, ask for references. That way most of the school holidays will be covered.

Email your parents. If you put your needs across in the right way, it might help? Also forward the email to your brother and anyone close.

Dear mum and dad, thank you so much for all the physical support you have given us over the last two years. You looking after DD has been a life saver and has meant I've been able to work and pay the mortgage. I deeply appreciate that and have been very willing to provide accommodation to help you out in return. On an emotional level I'm sure you will agree it has been a struggle for us all. I love you both lots but I'm sure we all feel the living arrangement cant continue much longer as it is. I feel its in both our interests that you look for alternative accommodation with a view to leaving this year/before September. I'd really like you to visit citizens advice/a financial adviser so you can look at all the options open to you. Its upsetting asking you to leave and want to make the difficult transition smooth as positive as possible. I understand that you won't be looking after DD on a day to day basis but DD would love to still see her grandparents at times good for us all. I hope in the long term not living in each others pockets will help build a stronger, happier relationship between us all. I really hope this is possible.

Can they just sell up and downsize to a ground floor flat!

They sound utterly vile. It's not you. Kick them out!

Please don't delay, ask them to leave. Even if you had the loveliest parents in the world, you should be entitled to live alone if you want. And you clearly do not have the loveliest parents, tour mum sounds horrifying and ultimately your dd will lean that that's an ok way to treat your own family.
They have already expressed the desire to move (to your dbs) so go with this momentum and get them out. They are still young and could be with you for 30 years. Your dd's entire childhood.
Is there no equity in their house, would they not have a profit if they sold?

I think yo uhave to ask them to leave and start working our how you could cope financially. Are you certain you are claiming everything you are entitled too? Can you change your work hours to more childcare friendly ones?

I'd look at private nurseries, they won't close for the holidays and will devide your 15 hours free allowance over the whole year.

Of course your DB doesn't want them, but you knw what, they are adults, they are perfectly able to sort their own housing out. If they want to stay for free with their adult DD, they can treat you with a little respect.

How much would you get if you rented their room out? Would they help towards the costs of nursery?

Do you know how much you would get if you rented out the room your parents use for free? If you work this out, you could find this is where the money could come from for private nursery for DD. With them gone, you would not fund their living expenses, and be able to afford nursery.

I can only imagine how hard it would be to tell your parents they need to leave. Also how to find someone to rent whom you would know is suitable to live with you in your house. A student was suggested, this is an idea, but often they leave to go home during the holidays.

I hope that this all works out for you. You know what you need to do, but it will be unimaginably tough to do it. Afterwards, will be great. You have no obligation to your parents when they are treating you in this manner, no matter what they try to tell you. I suggest telling your brother before you do this, so he can be prepared and hopefully your parents less successful in trying to pit you against each other.

They need to make tough choices to support themselves, just like people do every day.

I can't imagine any universe in which I would tell a child if mine that I didn't need their love.
Please dont sweat too much about their reaction to being asked to leave; you've already done way more for them than they have deserved.