Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's NOT ok to open my mail

88 replies

Babyleopard44 · 06/06/2014 08:01

Me & DH live abroad due to him being in the forces. We own a house in the UK that we don't rent out. I have mail sent there (bank statements, insurance letters, that sort of thing) because it takes any sort of mail around 6 weeks to make it to where we live, and DH has his sent to his DPs as he never changed his address and it's easier for him.
I send my DM round around once a week to collect and open my mail for me which is great. Until about a month ago when MIL decides she will open ALL my mail, including bank statements, when she popped round to the house (she knows it's all my mail as she gets DHs to her house and we are with different banks). I was so angry about this mainly because she then messaged my DH discussing how much money I had in my account!!
Anyway after getting over that I have just found out that MILs dad (GPIL) had been round last week and he has also opened my bank statements etc and discussed them with MIL who then messaged DH to let him know they had read them! I am so mad that they feel they can just read my private mail like that and then discuss it between themselves. I have never asked them or given them permission to do so.
Anyway, GPIL are coming to visit next week (DH is away so stuck with them by myself), WIBU to ask them why they opened my mail and politely ask them not to do it again? WWYD?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/06/2014 08:29

Sorry - x post. It does seem as if he's avoiding the issue a bit although I appreciate that you won't want to worry him while he's on active service.

Original poster
Babyleopard44 · 06/06/2014 08:30

MIL spends more time there than at her own house and has been doing bits of decorating for the last year (off her own back, no idea what it looks like) which is nice of her but then moans about it to us. DONT DO IT THEN!!
But that is why she HAS to have a key.

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 06/06/2014 08:32

Well you could go the non-confrontational route - re-routing mail, pretending your busy etc. Or just be direct with them and let them know what you think about it. I guess it depends on how much stress you're willing to deal with. Life would be a lot easier without family sometimes especially inlaws.

Original poster
Babyleopard44 · 06/06/2014 08:34

Cozie I actually think he's embarrassed that they have done it but he really should have told me because I would have found out regardless of seeing the messages! I think he just knew I would be really angry about it

OP posts:
ILoveWooly · 06/06/2014 08:38

YA obviously NBU!

I would have to mention it to them, I can imagine how they would react if you had read their bank statements.

Doing it is bad enough but to then discuss it is terrible.

Original poster
Babyleopard44 · 06/06/2014 08:39

Jamnam- thanks I'll be doing that!!

Dizzy- yeah it definitely would be. I do want to tell them but I know this would cause MIL to nag at DH even though he's away which I really don't want and I don't really want to cause a drama with them (it takes the smallest thing). I'm pregnant too so don't want to get all hormonal and gobby about it and we haven't told anyone yet so when we do I'd like them to be happy as it's our first DC

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 06/06/2014 08:47

I'm not known for being "gobby" but I'd make an exception here!

How dare they?! They have no right to get huffy about it either so I wouldn't let that bother me.

How firm is your mum? If she changed the locks would she cave under pressure and let them have a key? If not, I'd let her do that and take some of the worry off yourself.

CharmQuark · 06/06/2014 08:48

I would deal with this before they arrive. Send them an e mail or letter which is calm and polite and direct, something like ' thank you for checking on our house. Can I ask you to leave my mail for my Mum to deal with as she usually does? I haven't actually authorised anyone to open my personal mail so could you please just stack it on the table? Thank you' . And tell your DH that if he ever gets them talking to him about your affairs again he should say 'actually Mum, that's Babyleopard's personal business and not got anyone but she and I to discuss'.

I would be FUMING but start with the firm but non confrontational route . It needs saying even if you have stopped paper statements.

cozietoesie · 06/06/2014 08:50

Maybe go the non-confrontational route as an interim measure then? (That is not like me but I appreciate that you have external reasons for maybe not 'taking them on' just at this moment and not thrashing it out right now with DH.)

Just a thought though - is it possible that all of this interference is in some way connected with your husband potentially not having the most standard job and that this is partly your PIL's way of dealing with some anxiety?

Original poster
Babyleopard44 · 06/06/2014 09:04

Piano- my mum is very firm and wouldn't give them a key but this would upset DH I think as it's his house too.

Charm- I completely agree he should say something like that! But his mum is easily upset (not always genuine, sometimes for sympathy) and he's the sort to avoid anything being said even though it should be. I will definitely be telling him when he's home though.

Cozie- I think I will do that for now to keep the peace. And yes I definitely think you are right about the interference. Every chance she gets she's up in our business which gets to me but I never say anything unless DH gets fed up with it because she stresses him out with tiny things when he really doesn't need it. And she hates the fact we live abroad and that I came with him.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/06/2014 09:10

If it gets too much for you - why not try laughter? It's amazing how far that can get you ie 'What on earth were you opening my mail for, MIL?' - with a grin if face to face or in a teasing/laughing tone if on the phone. It sometimes gets the message home without lingering bitterness. (Although you might have to practice the grin in the bathroom mirror beforehand!)

justmatureenough2bdad · 06/06/2014 09:12

you can get lockable post boxes....either wall mounted next to the door, or fixed onto the back of your front door...so they could still get into the house, just not your mail...

it's only really illegal to open someone elses mail if it "is to their detriment" ie nicking cash from birthday cards etc

BrianTheMole · 06/06/2014 09:14

If she can't be trusted then she can't have a key. Dh should understand this Confused. If my dm was going through my dh's mail, she would no longer have a key. I would have to say something to her and I would not be polite about it. Huge invasion of privacy.

Original poster
Babyleopard44 · 06/06/2014 09:15

Yeah that's a good idea. Won't sound as confrontational that way. Maybe I'll slip something in about it when she next skypes (after she's made me talk to her rabbits)

OP posts:
PunkHedgehog · 06/06/2014 09:20

"WIBU to ask them why they opened my mail and politely ask them not to do it again? "

Yes, YWBVU to ask them politely. Tell them, in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable, disrespectful and that they must not do it again.

And YY to the lockable postbox - if you don't feel you can change the house locks then at least make sure your post is locked away.

MBT1987 · 06/06/2014 09:25

Tell the MIL you're saving up for a swanky divorce lawyer, due to irredeemable family invasions on DH's part.

DizzyKipper · 06/06/2014 09:27

She makes you talk to her rabbits? Well that's a redeeming feature at least Grin

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/06/2014 10:49

I'd take the key back, woman clearly has no respect for boundaries.

arkestra · 06/06/2014 12:12

Lockable postbox sounds like the way to go.

I'd view someone opening letters like that as on a par with going through your bedside drawers - ie, invasive, utterly inappropriate, actually rather weird. If you draw that comparison with them it may make them realise how strangely they behaved.

On the other hand it may just mean MIL starts going through your bedside drawers Grin

SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/06/2014 12:24

Lockable postbox sounds like the way forward. Angry on your behalf though! Some people have no boundaries, I mean, how hard is it not to open someone else's mail for heaven's sake?

CatThiefKeith · 06/06/2014 12:31

You could have lots of fun with this though op.

You could send yourself all manner of things:

Information on emigrating to Australia.

Literature on living with a transvestite dh

A swingers magazine

Dignitas clinic brochure/ warden controlled housing for oaps.

Obviously redirect your actual post to your mums though!Grin

OTheHugeManatee · 06/06/2014 13:23

OP, I think your PIL ishoos are more serious than just letter opening. And sorry but as long as your DH is tiptoeing around his parents for fear of 'upsetting' them he is part of the problem too.

He cannot go on taking his mother's side over yours (even tacitly, by 'staying out of it'). You are his wife, you come first - even, frankly, if you are being unreasonable which you absolutely aren't. Explain this to him in words of one syllable and get him to tell his mother how utterly invasive and unacceptable her prying and snooping behaviour is.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/06/2014 13:25

And tough luck if she turns on the waterworks and has a massive sulk. She's clearly just doing it to get her way.

WyrdByrd · 06/06/2014 13:33

What Manatee says.

I have been in the exact same position with my MIL - it was nearly 9 years ago and I still haven't entirely forgiven her. I changed my bank account and have everything I can have sent to me via email these days.

She will carry on taking liberties forever unless you nip this in the bud hard and fast and your DH must back you up.

HenI5 · 06/06/2014 13:40

I completely agree he should say something like that! But his mum is easily upset

I'll contra that by saying that over this matter you are (rightfully) upset and also angry.
So, there you are, one of you is going to be upset anyway and at the moment it's you.

I'd be absolutely fuming and really upset.