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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daddy dearest

64 replies

madbutnormal · 05/06/2014 08:38

I want to go to the father's day meal at dcs school but aibu? Dh died so I am mum a and dad. Can I claim father's day eat free meals too? Or just suck it up?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 05/06/2014 08:42

I'm amazed that a school would hold a Father's Day meal knowing that there are so many reasons why a child my not be able to have a father, or a male substitute there.

If your school is doing something so stupid, YANBU to want to go, but I'd try and send a grandad, uncle, male friend if there's one available.

Rainicorn · 05/06/2014 08:43

Sorry for your loss

Did they have anything similar for Mother's Day?

calmet · 05/06/2014 08:47

What do they do about children who have 2 lesbian parents? If conceived by a sperm bank, they will not have a father as such.
This seems so badly thought out.

Yes OP just go.

Sparklingbrook · 05/06/2014 08:48

Could a grandad go?

Twitterqueen · 05/06/2014 08:53

That's a really, really, really bad idea on the school's part. How insensitive - not just for bereaved children but for children of divorce, imprisonment, or just 'can't get out of work'.

No advice I'm afraid Sad

Original poster
madbutnormal · 05/06/2014 08:56

No male relative. Both Dgd dead. Uncle in Canada. They did have a mother's day meal but had to work.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 05/06/2014 08:57

At the school where my sister's children go they don't do anything to make Mother's or Father's Day as there's no guarantee there is a mom and dad on the scene - it's so unfair to those children who are ultimately singled out as having something different from the assumed set-up.

Joysmum · 05/06/2014 09:06

I'm sorry but I don't agree with other posters.

Of course there are situations where there isn't a father but many do have, and want to celebrate them. There are always people who can't do something or don't fit into the norm but if we were always not able to do something in case somebody else can't, we'd all never do anything at.

Get in touch with the school about your situation. They'll be able to explain what they will be doing to support the child at that time. I must say, I'm somewhat surprised they haven't prepared for this in advance as they must surely know your circumstances.

calmet · 05/06/2014 09:12

Joysmum - In most situations, I would agree with you. But this meal has the potential to upset a lot of children whose fathers are not in their lives for a variety of reasons. Children can celebrate having fathers outside of school. I don't think it is worth it for the potential upset it will cause so many children.

KERALA1 · 05/06/2014 09:16

We had this with the 2 sisters whose mother died when they were 3 and 5. The pre school just dropped Mother's Day while the younger one was there. Slight shame for other kids but balanced against this little girls feelings no one minded in the least.

Floggingmolly · 05/06/2014 09:21

It's a crap idea. Why are schools getting into this stuff anyway? When I was at school the only time parents went within spitting distance of our schools was for parents evening.

Any "celebrating your father" should be done at home.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/06/2014 09:25

Ahh, that's so touching Kerala. So thoughtful of everyone.

Am sorry for your loss OP Sad Go if you feel it's the best thing to do for you and your DC. Maybe talk it through with the school first so everyone is hopefully on board with it.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 05/06/2014 09:26

I also think it's a rubbish idea and would be annoyed if our school suggested it.
Joys, Father's Day can still be celebrated - but I don't think it should be made into such a huge issue at school where children have no escape from it.

diddl · 05/06/2014 09:42

I don't think you should go.

You couldn't make the MD one, just as many fathers won't be able to make the FD one.

tertle · 05/06/2014 09:51

What a bad idea from the school; very insensitive. I would ask to go and suggest that next year they drop the idea. Even if they were to do a 'parent lunch' some children would still miss out due to work commitments.

Sorry for your loss OP.

CheeryName · 05/06/2014 09:51

Definately go! So sorry for your loss and for your DC too.

Glampinglove · 05/06/2014 10:07

There was a similar situation at my dd primary school (dd father lives 100 miles away and rarely sees her) and they had a fathers day lunch. No male relatives could attend as all at work and they wouldn't allow myself to go instead. I took dd out for lunch which we really enjoyed.

I don't think that these gender specific lunches should take place but rather parent lunches. Ultimately however there are always going to be disappointed children as many parents are unable to attend due to work commitments.

diddl · 05/06/2014 10:13

"I don't think that these gender specific lunches should take place but rather parent lunches."

I agree-if they must be done at all.

But since they did a MD lunch, then why not a FD as well?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/06/2014 10:13

As someone who lost their Dad as a child, I would have hated this.

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2014 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArmyDad · 05/06/2014 10:16

I would go if I were you. I do, however, disagree with those who say that it is insensetive. Agree with Joysmum. You can't consider every variation from the "norm"

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/06/2014 10:22

I agree with joysmum

We'd never do anything if we dropped everything that someone was unable to do.

I'm sure you would be allowed. And so would step oarebts and gay couples etc. If they didn't allow that the complain but ask and you may be surprised.

calmet · 05/06/2014 10:24

But the norm now is for many children not to live with both their birth parents. This won't affect only one or two children, but a very large number of children in the school.

CinnabarRed · 05/06/2014 10:32

I agree that it's pretty crass for the school to arrange this meal.

However, I don't think you should go (and I also don't think you should try to take advantage of Father-eats-free offers, although you may have been joking about that).

My feeling is that you have a unique and special relationship with your DC - as their mother; you are not and never can be their father. I don't think you should try to make up for a loss because their father can never be replaced. Many (most?) of the children in your DC's class won't have their fathers at the school meal because of work commitments so your DC will not stand out - but would do if you attend.

I also think that Fathers' Day will always be a bittersweet time for you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 05/06/2014 10:58

YANBU! My dh is dead and DD (15) hates these things with passion, it's harder enough without a dad as it is without it being rubbed in your face. Thankfully as DD has gotten older, these things have decreased but they still make cards at school.