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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

daddy dearest

64 replies

madbutnormal · 05/06/2014 08:38

I want to go to the father's day meal at dcs school but aibu? Dh died so I am mum a and dad. Can I claim father's day eat free meals too? Or just suck it up?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 05/06/2014 11:05

I am so sorry for your loss but no you shouldn't go.

DS's primary school used to do the same and lots of people kicked up about it. However, many of the kids had dads that were at work anyway and couldn't make it so there were a fair few there without their dads. My DH always used to go and DS loved it - it wasn't a one on one thing so DH would be doing stuff at a table with a few kids.

I actually think it's a really nice idea and with our school it didn't have to be dad necessarily, it could have been an uncle, grandad, family friend etc etc. It's really really sad that your DC have lost their dad BUT it is a nice thing that the school do this IMO and they just can't take into consideration every pupils home circumstances or they would never be able to do anything at all.

Ladymoods · 05/06/2014 11:11

My ex-h hasn't seen our 2 dc for over 2 years now, he plays no part in their life. I think anything like Mother's Day or Father's Day should be left for people to celebrate out of school as there are too many potentially upsetting situations. My son is 4 and is too young to really remember his dad and has never asked about him, but on Monday he came home from pre-school asking if his daddy was just at work and if he is ever coming back because they were talking about father's day. I realise I'm probably being completely selfish here, but I do think that some sensitivity needs to be shown in schools because it also possibly exposes a vulnerable side to those children without either parent and can cause them upset.

DreamingofSummer · 05/06/2014 11:12

Totally agree with Joysum.

Nothing would ever get done if an organisation had to take every eventuality and situation into account.

I'm sorry for your loss OP but let this one lie

Ladymoods · 05/06/2014 11:14

And no, I don't think you should go although I understand why you want to, I'd be the same, but I do think it might make your children stand out a bit more. I'm sure not everybody's dads will be there for one reason or another, so I shouldn't worry too much about that. Could you maybe take them out for lunch yourself that day, make it a bit special for you?

calmet · 05/06/2014 11:24

The issue isn't about whether everyone's dad is there or not. The issue is that this is simply rubbing it in the faces of children who do not have a dad, or who do not have a dad who ever sees them.

Kewcumber · 05/06/2014 11:29

I'm a single (double?) parent too and we have "Bring a man to school day" the thursday before FD. Luckily my Dad is going with DS but he isn;t always reliable so hasn't been in previous years.

I don;t go because I think one woman turning up in a crowd of men actually reinforces to DS that he is different whereas there are other people without men there just because they are busy or away or whatever.

I prefer for school not to make a big deal of either mother or fathers day - we managed with just making a card at school on primary without having a big hoo haa about it.

But as long as the school insist on doing it then I just ask DS how he wants to handle it and tell the school thats what we will be doing. If you children would like you to go then I can;t imagine the school having a particular problem with it particularly as you were unable to make teh MD lunch.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 05/06/2014 11:43

I agree that you shouldn't have to take consideration for everything, but my DD struggles enough with her peers saying "i did this with dad in the weekend" etc. And things thing like this make everything so much harder for her. Every fathers day my DD comes home upset.

I understand that dc enjoy fathers day at school, but I can't see why they can't be done home. I agree with Lady that schools need to show more sensitivity for the children who's dad can't be at fathers day.

Floggingmolly · 05/06/2014 12:06

Nothing would ever get done if an organisation had to take every eventuality and situation into account
But the organisation in question is a school, with the welfare of children as it's first priority, and bringing the full Hallmark schmaltz of Mothers /Fathers Day into schools is a fairly recent phenomenon anyway, not compulsory in any way.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 07/06/2014 09:17

"If an organisation had to take every eventuality and situation into account ...." DreamingofSummer

Agree Floggingmolly that a school does have a requirement to take the well-being of it's children and families into account in all it's activities

Appletini · 10/06/2014 00:10

*Nothing would ever get done if an organisation had to take every eventuality and situation into account

But the organisation in question is a school, with the welfare of children as it's first priority, and bringing the full Hallmark schmaltz of Mothers /Fathers Day into schools is a fairly recent phenomenon anyway, not compulsory in any way.*

Exactly. And it's likely a lot of children will be affected. It's not just making an exception for any old thing - it's too big a deal to be so careless about.

lizzzyyliveson · 10/06/2014 00:29

This is nothing at all to do with celebrating Fathers Day, it is the school's attempt to lure a few men over the doorstep to prove to the children that their education matters and is not just something that Mums and women are interested in (even though that is exactly the situation.) Like it or not, children are still seen as women's work.

wobblyweebles · 10/06/2014 02:15

Our school does 'bring a grandparent to school' day. Their grandparents are 3,000 miles away so I went along instead this year. Got there and discovered that about 50% of the other parents had done the same thing.

CrohnicallyHungry · 10/06/2014 06:50

Surely, the fact that so many children don't have contact with their dad for whatever reason will make it easier on them? As the children aren't being singled out for being different, and only a few fathers will be there- the implication being that those with fathers are very lucky, rather than those without being unlucky?

I think it would hurt more if it affected just one child- as used to happen to a family member of mine who had lost their mum while very young. So while the school, brownies etc didn't do Father's Day because of the number of children who didn't have dads around, she had to suck it up every Mother's Day and make a card to give to aunty or whoever (she wouldn't give it to her dad because 'he's a boy').

thebodylovesspring · 10/06/2014 06:58

It sounds a daft idea from the school really. My dh would never have made this as he works away.

So sorry for your loss op. Guessing loads of dads won't be able to go either and others won't be on the scene.

thebodylovesspring · 10/06/2014 07:00

Wherehas so sorry for you and your dd too. Xx

lemonwelly · 10/06/2014 07:05

I am really surprised by some people's attitude on this thread! I think it's really bad that school would organise such a thing knowing some children do not have a dad! How do you think these children will feel sitting there with no dad or father figure.
Someone said basically why should the other children miss out on celebrating with their dad because some don't have one! Celebrate at home where it is not breaking other childrens hearts.

I would speak to school op what a stupid and insensitive thing for the school to do!

Maybe I am bitter after years of my ds having to make a father's day card and no one to give it too and the upset it caused every year. Ds is 16 now and still remembers being shouted at by a teacher to just write to dad on it when he asked could he write it to mum!

defineme · 10/06/2014 07:09

Sorry for your loss op.
grandparents day, mums lunch, dad football.allsortd have happened at my kids school. Dh can't go to anything at their school as he is s teacher.
Generally it's nice -not many go-but those that do socialise with all the kids not just their own.
I do sympathise op- I am an adult and feel sad sbout my dad on this day,
however, I think traditions bind us together and recognising parents is an important thing to do irrespective of the fact that some of us have lost them.

Thumbwitch · 10/06/2014 07:12

I do understand your thought process but I don't think you should go either. I know you missed the MD one, but that doesn't really matter in respect of this situation - you would stick out like a sore thumb and that might just reinforce it more to your DC and their peers that their Dad is missing. At least if there's just no one there, then your DC will be among others whose Dads are not there for other reasons.

MargotLovedTom · 10/06/2014 07:17

Our school does this as a way of raising money for the PTFA (Mother's Day and Father's Day). Obviously plenty of parents (or grandparents, or significant other adult special to the child because they are all invited) are unable to make it over the course of the week because of work commitments so the ones without a parent there don't stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone just mixes in anyway and the various adults are like The Pied Piper in the yard with a stream of children wanting to play.

I feel for the children who are left looking downcast at the end of the school assemblies/plays when all the other children are allowed to dash off to get a hug and congratulations from their family member, but they have had noone there to watch them. I've seen some little ones look quite tearful in those circumstances.

OP - there will be plenty of other dc without a dad attending the meal for whatever reason. I'd probably just leave it.

MargotLovedTom · 10/06/2014 07:19

Should have been 'some of the little ones...'

meditrina · 10/06/2014 07:21

"Can I claim father's day eat free meals too?"

No. This is not what it's about

"Or just suck it up?"

No. You need to talk to the school about the parameters of this event. If they are celebrating the role of the male in the family/society, then the wider interpretation of who a child can bring would extend to any make figure. If celebrating parents then it might include both sexes.

The school will have a plan for single parent, non-traditional and bereaved families. Talk to them about it, and only work out a plan after that.

Kewcumber · 10/06/2014 09:31

The school will have a plan for single parent, non-traditional and bereaved families Confused

Our's doesn't, never has as far as I know or if they do they keep it very close to their chest. Whats the point in a plan that you don't share with the parents in question?

DenzelWashington · 10/06/2014 12:06

Isn't there some value in the children without a male carer figure seeing fathers, especially boys who might one day want to be fathers themselves?

Kewcumber · 10/06/2014 12:21

No - tbh not in our case.

Standing outside the sweet shop watching other people get to buy and eat sweets right in front of you isn;t much fun.

DS has men in his life and he sees his friends fathers and what they do all the time at playdates and he's coached by Dads at his rugby and younger men at his football.

He doesn't need watch other peoples dad's play happy families.

I don't actually object to it - just because he doesn't have one shouldn't prevent other people celebrating thier Dads'. I'm just not convinced that schools need to make such a big deal of it and certainly there is no value in it for him.

sezamcgregor · 10/06/2014 12:30

I'm organising a meet up on Sunday for other local single mums.

I'm planning to give them some chocs to say well done as many of us do not have a supporting exP to share parenting with.

I think it really is a good time to congratulate yourself for coping so well and getting this far!