Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you find it upsetting if someone doesn't like you?

78 replies

passionfruitbikini · 04/06/2014 22:47

I know we can't all be liked by everyone but I have to admit I find it a bit upsetting when someone seems to actively dislike me for no reason.

I normally get on ok with most people, but lately I've come across a couple of women that don't seem to like me.

Firstly the mum of one of DS's friends (DS is in reception) is very frosty with me and very friendly and chatty towards everyone else. I got on fine with her when the boys were at preschool but she seems to be more and more off with me now. I'm always polite and friendly, and haven't been close friends with her so it's not like there was any opportunity to fall out or even for me to offend her in anyway. I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but it's just a bit hurtful.

Secondly my best friend has in recent years become close friends with another woman. I've made an effort to get on with this woman, but she makes it obvious that she doesn't like me, and is actually quite abrupt and rude to me. Again I can't think of anything that I could have done to upset her; it was as if she had decided before meeting me that she didn't like me and that was that!

Like I said, I know this doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things but I can't help feeling a bit upset by both these womens' behaviour. I know I'm not a horrible unlikeable person as I have lots of friends.

Perhaps I'm just too sensitive?

OP posts:
gertiegusset · 05/06/2014 01:19

Fucking FB and deletions, you just have to rise above it.
I remember when we wrote LETTERS to our friends

AbbeyBartlet · 05/06/2014 01:19

I will admit to getting it spectacularly wrong once - I took an instant dislike to someone I worked with because I thought he was cocky, but several months later something just clicked and we got on really well - it turned out that I had totally misread him. I did tell him I had been wrong and it became a bit of a standing joke.

gertiegusset · 05/06/2014 01:22

I care what most people think, much to my own dismay.
I wish I didn't.

There are one or two who I don't care about but that is another story.

Superdoddles · 05/06/2014 01:26

Some people are just rude or jealous of others, in the pasted I have worried why if someone never like me. I have found it upsetting and have worried about what I have said or done to them but now I just think it's their loss and move on.

AbbeyBartlet · 05/06/2014 01:33

gertie I am going to be really honest now and admit that I had never considered how other people felt about it. I figured they probably wouldn't be that bothered. Sad

Reading this thread has made me think.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 05/06/2014 01:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gertiegusset · 05/06/2014 01:47

I think, as I have got older, that I have realised that other people hurt just as much as I do when we feel snubbed and disliked.
How horrid to feel disliked.

Like I said, it's nice to be nice.
You don't have to be bezzies, just nice.

MyBaby1day · 05/06/2014 02:12

It doesn't upset me know, more angers me, but I agree with PrincessBabyCat, I let them know I also dislike them too-karma!.

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 05/06/2014 02:14

I really don't care if people don't like me.
I spent most of my childhood bullied and went home to abuse and it was an agony of desperately trying to do the right thing, to be liked and to be good enough.

It's all bollocks.

I am polite, I'm a good person that tries to be thoughtful and I do good things - I'm happy and secure with myself as a person so if anyone doesn't like me, well it's entirely up to them and makes no difference to me, I'll be perfectly nice to them if I see them but I have nothing to feel bad about.
You can tie yourself in knots but will never be all things to all people - if they don't like you, they don't like you, it's not worth the price of the salt in your tears.
As long as you are doing your best to be a decent person then you have nothing to feel bad about if someone else has a chip on their shoulder.

Some people behave as if their friendship was a treasure to bestow - really most people are just people, there's nothing so special about them that means not having their friendship will have any affect on your life whatsoever. If they behave that way chances are their friendship is worthless anyway and all the work they want you to do to chase them is all they're after.
Honestly, what difference does it make if they dislike you? You didn't even know they existed yesterday.

Chottie · 05/06/2014 05:16

I feel your pain OP. I used to be like that. Then one day my DD said to me 'mum, why do you expect everyone to like you, you don't like everyone?'

I was brought up to be a 'nice girl' who got on with everyone. Now I'm older I just let it go. I'm wondering whether these women are a bit jealous of you? you sound like you have lots of friends, in the centre of things, happy person with a happy life? nothing infuriates some people more than someone else being happy!

saintlyjimjams · 05/06/2014 06:40

Penguin - are you sure the deletion wasn't an accident. I've nearly accidentally people before, especially when on my phone. I think it's right that people often have their own issues. I remember starting as a postgrad & a whole bunch of newbies went out for a night. I was talking to someone, getting on very well & he asked where I had been an undergraduate. I told him (a well known, highly regarded university). He said 'oh', turned his chair around & spent the next 2 years grunting at me (he warmed up a bit in the third year). It was completely bizarre. He asked me - so I wasn't dropping it into conversation or anything.

I was accused by someone who became a very good friend of blanking her & disliking her when we first met (through a mutual friend). I hadn't at all. I was quite shy at that age but also horribly short sighted but too vain to wear glasses - the time I'd supposedly snubbed her by blanking her I just hadn't seen her. I always liked her but she was more outgoing than me & I was too shy to just join in loudly. She came across as confident but obviously underneath it all wasn't.

saintlyjimjams · 05/06/2014 06:47

In terms of do I find it upsetting when someone dislikes me - not usually. If it's someone who takes an instant dislike well that's such odd behaviour (to take an instant dislike) that I just think they're not worth bothering about.

I am having a lot of dealings with someone at the moment who clearly hates my guts. Which is interesting.

springydaffs · 05/06/2014 06:53

It's ignorance imo to let someone know you 'don't like them' - and, anyway, not liking someone is all about the disliker, rarely anything to do with the disliked. (Mind, I don't like Jimmy Saville but I think I can safely say that is not all about me, it's because of what he's done.) As long as you haven't done something heinous then it really has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. Your best friend's new friend is playing a game, is possibly jealous of your established friendship with her new friend, could be trying to isolate your best friend from you in order to have your friend to herself. Not nice, doesn't your friend see that this woman is behaving badly? People may piss me off but it's not for me to make a judgement about them, I'm not God, I don't know them entirely or what may be behind some of their behaviour. I may dislike certain behaviour but I can't possibly dislike them iyswim, I don't know them. I'm actually a bit embarrassed if I 'take a dislike' to someone because I know it says much more about me than about them.

springydaffs · 05/06/2014 07:02

So if someone makes it clear they don't like me I have absolutely no space for someone who would be as ignorant, or as lacking in self-awareness and with poor taste , to make it clear. Maybe the school gate woman has picked up that you're the type to be hurt by not being liked so she's enjoying the power of hurting you. See? All about her and her games

toomuchtooold · 05/06/2014 07:07

People who're rude on the basis of not liking you, really annoy me. Why not just be polite? We're not 6, are we? There was a mum/colleague I used to see at some of the toddler groups who was like that, I think she made up her mind she didn't like me but then you know, we have kids the same age, we are neighbours and we work in the same place so if we could pass 2 minutes of conversation pleasantly that would make things less awkward. So every time I saw her I'd say hello, how's the wee one etc and she looked like someone had pooed on her shoe and I felt like a right lemon. So I started trying to avoid her/being really short with her when she eventually said hello. And then she started to open up and chat to me and now she is really friendly! Is it a relic of playground behaviour or something, do I have to show I was cooler than her before she wanted to be my friend? I've got no idea, I was bullied at school, probably because I could never get my head round this pecking order bullshit.

Voter101 · 05/06/2014 07:08

If I dislike someone intensely I still try and maintain a friendly front when I see them (which isn't often as I try to steer clear of them) as I don't see the point in being rude. I'm sure they feel the same way about me and actually, nowadays it doesn't bother me as much if I know the feeling is mutual. OP I do understand it is upsetting if it seems undeserved. I'd ignore the mum in the playground, feck knows what her problem is (or maybe there is no problem, she has a group of established friends and you aren't one of them, I'm a bit like that, not deliberating ignoring anyone but just chatting to people I am friends with, I've been doing the playground thing for 7yrs though, long gone are the days of trying to be friendly and smiley to everyone), the other woman is obviously just jealous.

I have a barking mad, toxic colleague whom I make tea for every time we are in work together - mind you I do that for whomever is around. I know she doesn't like me (defriended me on FB) and the feeling is mutual, you'd never know if your saw us in a room together though. It is part of being a grown up I guess. The women you are talking about may not have reached that conclusion yet

aylesburyduck · 05/06/2014 07:09

Someone I work with dislikes me sobs into my tea and I am not at all bothered. I find it amusing if I'm honest. I am generally laid back, happy and polite, and I genuinely love my job and I suspect that in some way she finds that threatening

Despite trying to engage with her in a number of occasions she flatly refuses to speak to me and actively ignores me. Sometimes it's like having a petulant child in the office!!

LarrytheCucumber · 05/06/2014 07:17

I always tell ds if people are unpleasant to you it says more about them than it does about you.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 05/06/2014 07:24

It's a bit shit. I was in tears most if the weekend because if this sort of crap although in my face, my entire family has turned against me....and when it's a deluge of vitriol, you do inevitably question yourself. And that's the worst part, questioning if you are a bad person or having self doubt is horrible.

And to those who think it doesn't matter if you're rude to somebody because you don't like them....you might be the third or fourth shitty encounter that persons had this week so rein it in.

Glitterfeet · 05/06/2014 07:28

As a child I used to get really hurt if people didn't like me. I was bullied for a period and so when another child was negative I immediately added the event to a mental list; evidence of why I am unlikeable.

As a young adult I gave my self a good talking to and accepted that it was ok if some people don't like me. Not everyone is going to like me and that's fine. I'm not going to click with everyone and that's fine, it's not a failing on my part. The important thing is being polite and kind, if they're a friend or not.

If someone is rude to you it says a lot about them and their faults, not yours. Take the power away from them.

chocolatemademefat · 05/06/2014 07:35

You know what - tell yourself its none of your business what other people think of you. They'll think what they want to no matter how nice you try to be to them.
Some people take the hump over absolutely nothing so why waste your time on them? I was always a people pleaser but now I'm a bit older I don't care. I always try to be pleasant to everyone but if I get nothing back it's their loss.
You sound lovely so don't let a couple of strange people get you down. Their behaviour says more about them - I think they're probably threatened by how nice you are as they obviously have their own insecurities.

Original poster
passionfruitbikini · 05/06/2014 09:34

Thank you everyone for the words of wisdom. Thanks

I have seen the school mum this morning and as usual said a cheery hello to her, and she said a very abrupt "Hi" and looked at me like I'd just shat on the floor in front of her. I am going to start saying Hi to her in the same tone that she says it to me. I have also tried a few times to make conversation with her lately and she's made it clear she doesn't want to talk to me. I find it odd because when the boys were at preschool we used to chat loads. Since they started school she has become very friendly with a group of other mums, so I'm assuming she just can't be arsed with me anymore because of that. Either that, or as someone else has mentioned, something has happened between the boys at school. Although they seem friendly enough still.

I think I am quite a sensitive person about people not liking me; at high school there was a girl in my form group who didn't like me from the day I started (I started at the beginning of year 8, so friendship groups were established), and made it clear throughout school that she didn't like me. I enjoyed school, and did make lots of nice friends, but her behaviour towards me cast a bit of a cloud over me for my time at school, as she seemed to go out of her way to be unpleasant to me from the very day I started.

OP posts:
Brummiegirl15 · 05/06/2014 09:50

I feel exactly the same way. It really bothers me - usually more so if I genuinely don't know what I've done to offend them.

People think I'm quite cocky and arrogant (I'm a sales person) and I'm genuinely not, I actually have confidence issues that I try and cover up. I've got a problem a work at the moment due to someone not seeming to like me and its all got a bit nasty. Thing is, I genuinely don't know what I've done or how I am supposed to resolve what I've supposedly done.

So like you OP I'm quite sensitive and I also read far too much into everything and over think things. I am my own worst enemy.

It maybe nothing and like Abbey, this woman might not be aware she's doing it. But YANBU for it to really upset you.

Rhine · 05/06/2014 10:04

It used to bother me, but now I could give a flying fuck. It's their problem not mine. I did have a work colleague a few years ago who obviously disliked me and made it quite obvious. I spent ages racking my brains trying to work out what I'd done to offend her but then I realised I'd done nothing at all, that she'd been rude and offhand with me from the first day we met (she was overly nice to everyone else, so her treatment of me was even more obvious), and she'd obviously just taken an instant dislike to me for whatever reason. The thing is the more I observed her with others the more I realised what a cow she was, she was two faced, bitchy and loved boasting to everyone about her life.

There are people I don't particularly like, it's very rare that I take an instant dislike to someone, but I'm always polite to them regardless.

NoImSpartacus · 05/06/2014 10:49

I can deal with someone not liking me, it doesn't bother me too much, I see it as their problem not mine, I know I'm alright and that's what matters!

I think it comes down to self esteem; if your self esteem is healthy you can shrug other people's poor behaviour off. Having said that if someone is openly rude to me, I certainly wouldn't let that go, I would pull them up on it.

I find when people feel insecure or threatened it brings out of the worst in them.