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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having DC3 on basis of hiring a Night Nanny and Perhaps a Day one too!

101 replies

splodge2001 · 03/06/2014 21:41

DS is now 12 and DD is 5. I really can't be arsed with night time feeds, sleep deprivation, depression, anxiety and all the stuff that's really awful about little babies (i'm an awful worrier)

So, having ruled out DC3 I was sitting here wondering if, well, I could have my cake and eat it by having a Night Nanny and maybe a day one too! I'm not rolling in cash -far from it but I live in London and could probably re-mortgage to come up with the money.

Are night nannies any good? I suffered dreadful insomnia/sleep deprivation with DS and DD.

OP posts:
TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 04/06/2014 10:04

It is the only way I'll have any more, although it'd be a lottery win.

Some folk are happy on little sleep, I felt like I was teetering on the edge of depression I was so tired.

Also, for those who have the argument that fretful, sleepless nights are there for bonding, what about those freak-of-nature babies that sleep through from very early on (some seem to do this from a couple of weeks), are they less bonded than me because I had 8 months of night wakings?! What a load of crap.

You're not supposed to do babies on your own. It's supposed to be a community effort. By living on our own in single family units, rather than as extended families in big communities, this stage is so difficult for so many of us. A couple of generations ago, the wider family would play such a big role rather than being left to it. I see no issue in paying for this support if you can do.

BristolRover · 04/06/2014 10:08

we had maternity nurses but it didn't save on sleep as I was still b'feeding. Amazing help if you haven't been to any classes / NCT etc before hand and if you've had a C-sec. Probably could have lived without the second time, & had a mother's help during the day instead (some lucky peoplehave actual family to do that stuff,but sadly not us). The day nanny / au pair would be useful for the older two so they can get to school on time / with the correct kit while you look after the baby & have a kip.

Kewcumber · 04/06/2014 10:12

Did someone up thread really suggest adoption or fostering to avoid having a baby? Hmm

Yep that's the way to avoid anxiety,sleepless nights and food issues - just adopt.

Excuse me whilst I go and bang my bang my head somewhere quiet.

emms1981 · 04/06/2014 10:16

I know what you mean I hated the lack of sleep, wasn't quite so bad with 2nd as he was happy to b.f but my first d.s wouldn't and I would be awake ages with him. The first few weeks I felt quite low too, if I had the room I would consider adopting an older child. A girl would be nice, babies are lovely but don't think I could go through it all again, struggled in my 20s and at 32 I feel like an old woman

littlemslazybones · 04/06/2014 10:39

The only thing I would say is that it is might be difficult to parent one baby differently to the others that you have already had.

I went into having a third dc thinking that this time I would go to great effort to make things easier on myself. I was going to put the baby on formula after a few weeks, put them him to sleep in his cot, I was going to handle him less (think baby whisperer, not GF) so that he would be less clingy and demanding than the others.

Ha, bloody, ha... it seems cosleeping, breastfeeding and endlessly carrying my baby is my default mode. I am 20 weeks in and on the bones of my arse again because I get incredibly anxious when he cries and everything I do I do to minimise it.

It might not be as easy as get a nanny, job done. You might be crowbarring the baby from the nanny to do things the way that make things less anxious and comfortable for you.

vitaminz · 04/06/2014 10:44

Why don't you just pay for a surrogate to have a baby and then pay for her to keep it on the condition that she gives the baby a name you like and you get to play with the baby for 10 minutes every few months?

heraldgerald · 04/06/2014 10:59

Fascinating thread. I am pregnant and worried about sleep deprivation too- it really broke me. I just wasn't myself after two years of it. The early toddler mornings absolutely killed me too. Love ds to bits but definitely didn't really enjoy the baby/ toddler stage- now ds is 4 I feel really happy, as though a weight has been lifted. Which I know is a shame and I'd lobe to enjoy the younger stages more. I definitely can't afford a full time night Nanny but could feasibly have one once a week. Op, remortgaging does sound drastic - and a risk- what if interest rates go up more than we think and you are saddled with massive payments? What about a night a week like me? Still 600 a month which is bloody steep and an au pair for the days?
Also about the anxiety- surely therapy would help? Is it really only isolated to the baby stage because of sleep deprivation?

whattheseithakasmean · 04/06/2014 11:03

Having a third child is not compulsory. How about you move on into the next stage of your children's lives, thoroughly enjoying their growing up & happily waving the baby stage goodbye?

QuintessentiallyQS · 04/06/2014 11:05

My friend had a maternity nurse for her first baby. She regretted it because she felt she was not allowed to "muscle" in on her baby. Maternity nurse was very territorial and know it all. She said she never really got the time to bond with her baby and did not know what to do. This was her first baby though.

She did not have maternity nurses for the other ones. She opted for a full time live in nanny for the others and a house keeper instead - who cooked, cleaned, ironed.... That time she got time with the baby when she wanted to, and minimum housework to do. Now the youngest is starting school, she wont need a nanny any more.

idontlikealdi · 04/06/2014 11:08

I would go for number three on the proviso that it came ready made as a toddler.

Katy1368 · 04/06/2014 11:20

If I could have afforded a maternity nurse I would have absolutely gone for it! and I only have one, I could not face the baby stage ever again despite being incredibly lucky to have a very well sleeping, non-colicky,calm baby (pure luck!)

you will be condemned by many as this is AIBU unfortunately, actually I see you already have been. What many people fail to grasp is that not everyone is the same, not everyone can adapt to being an "all in" mum and there is nothing wrong with paying for some help.

I would go for a maternity nurse to help establish good routines, then after a few weeks a day nanny. Have to say I'm not sure about the remortgaging though, I'm convinced interest rates are going to rise soon. so I would say go for it IF you can afford it and you need to really think about the finance side.

Ifyoubuildit · 04/06/2014 11:20

I had maternity/ night nannies for both my children as DH was overseas with work. It was such a good decision, I get depressed when I'm sleep deprived and would have really struggled without them. The nannies never stopped me bonding with my babies, they were both 100% breast fed and had lots of cuddles and play time with me but the nannies really helped when I was struggling, looking after baby while I slept, even helping around the house with washing and cooking etc. with DC2 they gave me precious time with DC1 who was very jealous or would entertain DC1 while I fed DC2. They were also a wealth of knowledge, being a great source of information when DC1 was severely constipated and when I had physical problems postnatally (she was an ex-midwife).

Being a parent is not a competition, don't let people judge you, you can only be the parent you are. I think having help allowed me to spend more time bonding with my children, I was less tired, I had more energy, the house was more in control.

I'll probably get flamed but I say do it.

heraldgerald · 04/06/2014 11:21

That would be a long pregnancy...

BrianTheMole · 04/06/2014 11:28

Hell, if I could have afforded it, I would definitely got a nanny with my dc. As for remortgaging the house, well, I guess you would need to work out the overall cost of that initially. I presume you would be going back to work at some point and would be able to fund costs from that?

fledermaus · 04/06/2014 11:30

How about a maternity nurse for the first 8-12 weeks to get the baby into a strict routine and sleeping through the night. Bottle feed rather than demand breastfeeding. Then after the first 3 months get a part time day nanny.

Kewcumber · 04/06/2014 11:31

I would go for number three on the proviso that it came ready made as a toddler.

Perfectly possible as pointed out above - just adopt.

But be prepared for a different kind of anxiety and yes even sleep deprivation (DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 6!).

Kewcumber · 04/06/2014 11:32

Actually I lie - he was 7. It fades so fast once they do start sleeping through!

heraldgerald · 04/06/2014 11:39

7! crosses self

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 04/06/2014 11:39

I would hire a maternity nurse to help you get a good routine and then consider more help such as a nanny or housekeeper/part time nursery if you need it.
I bottle fed DC3 as felt I wouldn't be able to manage (I had a very small age gap) without getting into a good routine quick and that made things a lot easier.
I don't think there's anything wrong in hiring help if you need it.

weatherall · 04/06/2014 11:43

I want a 3rd child but don't want to do the baby/toddler stage again.

Our solution is for me to work and DP to be a sahd.

Kewcumber · 04/06/2014 11:47

Don't worry heraldgerald - adopted children are far more likely to have continuing sleep issues than birth children - it's why it always makes me laugh that people think parachuting a child into a strange scenario as a toddler is likely to be less stressful than having a baby from birth. Screaming child who can't be comforted in the small hours of the morning is pretty grim whatever their age when they come to you.

I don't think there is an "easy" way to do it.

On the upside, more joy than you can possibly imagine now and so the other issues can be bearable in a way you wouldn't have thought possible before.

bouncinbean · 04/06/2014 12:05

Another person here that thinks you are crazy to remortgage your home to fund this. Also you say a small flat in London - do you have room for a third as your current two grow up and need more personal space?

But in principle - paying for help is ok as long as you can afford to...

QuintessentiallyQS · 04/06/2014 12:13

Og BLimey. I missed that you were thinking of REMORTGAGING to fund your domestic staff. My friend below lived in a very humongously big London home, as a sahm, and with a stock broking husband did not have to think about bills. Other then a slight concern with the heating bills of the pool.

You are mad to reduce your assets, and increase your monthly outgoings on your home, to fund staff.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/06/2014 20:46

The remortgage thing is baffling to me very debt averse

Also I'm struggling to understand why you want dc3 when you live in a small flat in Central London.

If I were going to get help I would rather pay for a housekeeper / odd job person / gardener / entertainer of the other children etc and do the baby bit myself. But hell would have to freeze over before I remortgaged the house for the privilege

litdog · 04/06/2014 20:54

MrsChickPea 'I've never known anyone that didn't like the baby stage'

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

I have three DC all of whom I love to bits, but I found the first year with every single one of them FRAUGHT with worry and anxiety that they were about to perish.

Every cough was whooping cough, every rash was meningitis, every little cold was undoubtedly a sign of something more sinister.

Plus the no sleep, can't fit in my old clothes, leaky boobs etc.

OMG let me tell you there are PLENTY out there who don't enjoy the first year, no matter how much they love their babies!