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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rubbish at discipline. No dinner?

69 replies

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:09

Ever since I had a breakdown in January I have become very soft with my children. That's not to say I was very hard on them before , just firm and consistent.

Since the breakdown and being made homeless we have all been through a lot. The kids didn't know what was wrong with me , they went from pillar to post whilst I was at my worst and in crisis. We had to stay in a bnb for three weeks and now we are in a temporary flat and they have a new school which they love.

So , knowing that we have all been through a lot , I can't find it in me to tell them off and punish them if they are out of line. I think they are aware of it now too.

This afternoon my dd was pulling faces behind my back whilst I was telling her sister she was to tidy her room before going out.

Her sister went out to play at a little park just round the corner where we stay. She knows to come back for dinner but there was no sign of her. I got distracted with the other kids and whilst annoyed I figured she would be home before seven. No sign of her.

So I asked dd 1 to go to the park and look for her for me as ds 2 had fallen asleep. She reappeared rather quickly and told me dd 2 wasn't there.

I went into a bit of a panic then. Dd 2 is a very sensible eight year old so I got concerned. Then worked out dd 1 mustn't have gone to the park as she was so quick.

Cut a long story short, dd 1 lied to me and shouted at me that she had been. I then said I would wake ds 2 and go look myself and if dd 2 was there then I would know she was lying. She then said she would go again and this time came back with her sister.

She admitted she had not gone the first time which wouldn't have bothered me so much as the lying. And her sister came back soaking wet.

So I have tried to be firm and spoken to dd 1 about lying and sent her to her room for the night. Dd 2 I have also sent to her room without dinner in an attempt to reinforce that she needs to come back for it.

But already I feel guilty. They are hardly the crimes of the century are they. Since the breakdown I absolutely detest any sort of unpleasantness but to go back on the punishments would only be to ease my guilt rather than for them.

Aibu about the punishments in your opinion?

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/06/2014 20:11

Sorry, but you should never use food as a punishment. You need to find another way, taking away TV/Xbox whatever, not food though.

I hope you're OK

BobTheFly · 03/06/2014 20:12

Oh gosh I can see you're in a pickle but withdrawing food is absolutely the wrong way to go about disciplining.

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:14

I've never taken away food before. I don't really agree with it myself , probably why I am feeling guilty. I doubt I would have been able to follow through with it anyways as that seems to be the way of it just now. I punish them for whatever and feel so guilty I end up going back on it half an hour later.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2014 20:14

Feed her her dinner and then ground her.

If an 8yr old can't be trusted to return home when told to, she shouldn't be out without adult supervision.

That is the message you need to send to her, not that she should have been having dinner earlier.

ModreB · 03/06/2014 20:14

How old are your DC? I ask as I was in a similar situation, and dealt with the DC's differently as they were different ages.

HighwayDragon · 03/06/2014 20:15

No, go and give your child food explain you were scared she had not come back and leave it at that. Don't let her out again on her own, she cant be trusted

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:16

I will give dd 2 her dinner. I regretted saying it out of anger because I had been so worried , but keep going back on punishments and I know that isn't helping anyone. Just wish I could get past the guilt. I was always so firm before.

OP posts:

FabULouse · 03/06/2014 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Iggly · 03/06/2014 20:17

Well you should have looked for your dd and let the other one stay while the younger one slept.

You should set boundaries in place again eg rules about staying out, consequences etc.

I have to say though, 8 seems a bit young to play out solo? Just me?

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:17

My dd 1 is nine. She has aspergers though mild. Dd 2 has just turned eight.

My boys are five and four.

OP posts:

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:18

The park is literally just round the corner and a lot of the school kids in the area play there. Dd two is sensible though obviously not great at time keeping.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 03/06/2014 20:19

Just wish I could get past the guilt.

Dude. Your guilt is your brain's way of telling you you're doing the wrong thing. You're supposed to feel guilty about not feeding the kids.

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2014 20:20

I know it's difficult but you do need to get your feelings of guilt under control, in order to discipline them properly...especially before you end up with a bunch of unruly teenagers on your hands.

Kids don't mind being disciplined (well...not really) as long as it's fair and there's continuity involved.

I think continuity brings kids comfort and makes them feel safe.

If you don't show them the boundaries, then they'll end up confused and angry.

It's hard though and guilt is a bugger that we all have to deal with

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/06/2014 20:20

You give them mixed messages by doing that, Celestrica. You need to be consistent. I know it's hard, but by going back on what you've said it gives them the message that you'll let them get away with things.

Have you tried a house meeting? Set some rules and write them down so you can all see them. No TV before 8am or the consequences are one pebble out of the tub (they can earn them for good behaviour) for example. Agree on the rules and agree on the reward/consequences. There's a few things that you can't use as a punishment though, like food and contact.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/06/2014 20:20

Well, going without dinner once won't hurt them! Don't worry, and don't feel guilty. I would have a very firm discussion with both of them in the morning, letting them both know that if they can't be trusted then they won't be allowed the freedom in future

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2014 20:22

For 'continuity, read 'consistency'

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:24

Dd 1 had her dinner as she was here at dinner time. I am heating up her sisters now.

They are genuinely good children, had great school reports with comments on their manners and kindness to others. I am proud of them. I hate seeing them upset whereas before the breakdown I could handle it. I am still in recovery.

I am firm with teeth brushing and hygiene, meal times and homework. As well as tidying up after themselves. We do have a routine of sorts too.

OP posts:

orangefusion · 03/06/2014 20:25

Witholding food is child abuse. I am not saying you are an abuser but social services (quite rightly) take a dim view of such methods of discipline.

You sound like you need more support- letting an 8 year old out to a park alone is not a safe thing to do and being angry with her is not really going to help. Do you have any friends nearby that you can lean on a bit? Do you have MH worker that you can confide in? Or your own family?

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:27

She is eating her dinner now.

I am out of crisis now and as I say she is fine to play out on her own. I am not concerned about that at all. Just her time keeping. I do need a bit of help I think to stop feeling so bad about punishments

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/06/2014 20:28

orange that is VERY unhelpful. If a parent sends their kid to bed without dinner as a one off punishment, that's up to them and sod all to do with SS. Insinuating that this might be a SS matter is hysterical and ridiculous

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:28

When I say on her own I mean without me. She was there with three friends. Two of which stay next door.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2014 20:29

I don't mean you don't have any routine, I mean you need to be consistent in your punishments and stick to them.

I find the best way to do this, is not to blurt a punishment out when I'm angry. I take time to think about it when I'm calm, so it's not going to be OTT.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/06/2014 20:30

And it's completely up to OP if she lets her 8 year old out to play. You don't get to dictate whether 'it's a safe thing to do' or not

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2014 20:30

letting an 8 year old out to a park alone is not a safe thing to do

Says who?

LadySybilLikesCake · 03/06/2014 20:31

8 year olds have little concept of time (my son's 15 and he spends hours in the loo as he has no concept of time either). Time flies when you're having fun, you know? Does she have a phone with her? You could teach her how to set the alarm so she knows when to come home, or you could call her.

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