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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rubbish at discipline. No dinner?

69 replies

Celestria · 03/06/2014 20:09

Ever since I had a breakdown in January I have become very soft with my children. That's not to say I was very hard on them before , just firm and consistent.

Since the breakdown and being made homeless we have all been through a lot. The kids didn't know what was wrong with me , they went from pillar to post whilst I was at my worst and in crisis. We had to stay in a bnb for three weeks and now we are in a temporary flat and they have a new school which they love.

So , knowing that we have all been through a lot , I can't find it in me to tell them off and punish them if they are out of line. I think they are aware of it now too.

This afternoon my dd was pulling faces behind my back whilst I was telling her sister she was to tidy her room before going out.

Her sister went out to play at a little park just round the corner where we stay. She knows to come back for dinner but there was no sign of her. I got distracted with the other kids and whilst annoyed I figured she would be home before seven. No sign of her.

So I asked dd 1 to go to the park and look for her for me as ds 2 had fallen asleep. She reappeared rather quickly and told me dd 2 wasn't there.

I went into a bit of a panic then. Dd 2 is a very sensible eight year old so I got concerned. Then worked out dd 1 mustn't have gone to the park as she was so quick.

Cut a long story short, dd 1 lied to me and shouted at me that she had been. I then said I would wake ds 2 and go look myself and if dd 2 was there then I would know she was lying. She then said she would go again and this time came back with her sister.

She admitted she had not gone the first time which wouldn't have bothered me so much as the lying. And her sister came back soaking wet.

So I have tried to be firm and spoken to dd 1 about lying and sent her to her room for the night. Dd 2 I have also sent to her room without dinner in an attempt to reinforce that she needs to come back for it.

But already I feel guilty. They are hardly the crimes of the century are they. Since the breakdown I absolutely detest any sort of unpleasantness but to go back on the punishments would only be to ease my guilt rather than for them.

Aibu about the punishments in your opinion?

OP posts:

TaraKnowles · 03/06/2014 21:20

I've xposted. In the country I live in you get a letter if your five year old doesn't walk to and from school unaccompanied by parents. The children aged five and over regularly play out together with scant parental supervision. It's not a developing country. So that's my normal.

Canthisonebeused · 03/06/2014 21:20

I think calling the police would have been a massive over reaction, no reason why OP shouldn't send 9 year old, she wasn't reliable, OP called her on it, she went back, both children returned, well resolved.

OP is seeking help and advice regrading discipline not weather her children could or should be out alone.

OP I think you made a mistake re dinner, but you know that anyway and you have now fed dd. But I think the maybe the message will have been received loud and clear by both dds. Sounds like you now realise it's time to get back on track and I think talking to dds about this would be a good start. Set down some general expectations and let them know what is expected. My dd often needs this type of reigning in when she is pushing boundaries, and I do it with a hug and calm manner once I'm calm and just erasure and remind dd of all her lovely points along the way too.

Canthisonebeused · 03/06/2014 21:22

Reassure not erasure

TaraKnowles · 03/06/2014 21:29

Somebody on this thread sounds like they have a problem. And it's not the op. a lot of us have moments of inconsistent parenting. It doesn't make us unreasonable, it makes us human.

Original poster

Celestria · 03/06/2014 22:11

Thank you everyone. My dp is home now and I am talking things over with him , working out the way forward. I will be getting my dd a watch especially now it appears she has actually lost her ipod I guess I have forgotten what it's like to be a child and time gets away from you.

I have had a chat with them both and all my children are now sleeping. Tomorrow is another day

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2014 22:19

That's a fantastic way to look at it OP

You can get some great watches on Ebay

Maryz · 03/06/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 03/06/2014 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dancergirl · 03/06/2014 22:26

tara is it a Scandinavian country?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/06/2014 22:30

It wasn't me Maryz!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/06/2014 22:31

Glad all is ok OP. I had to stop MNing for a while to watch Happy Valley. Man it was good!

orangefusion · 04/06/2014 19:18

Inspace- you are right, in hindsight and in rereading I can see that what I wrote was not helpful. Unreserved apologies to OP.

It was not my intention to suggest that SS should intervene, far from it. It was more that if they were already involved in some way that they could misuse this as evidence. No more rationalisation. Just sorry Celestria to have upset you or worried you when you are clearly run ragged and need more than me needling you.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 04/06/2014 19:32

Thanks a lot for clarifying orange

TaraKnowles · 06/06/2014 12:56

dancergirl no it's Switzerland. I think a lot of the philosophies around education and childhood are similar to Scandinavia.

DurhamDurham · 06/06/2014 13:04

My two girls are grown up now but I have never used food as a punishment, it is a necessity to live, not a luxury. There are so many other things you can do. No tv, no pocket money, cancelling a play date etc. I could not have justified it to myself if I had sent them to bed hungry. They have both turned out very well btw, so I think I must have done a good job

Dancergirl · 06/06/2014 14:50

tara it sounds amazing, i wish i lived there.

Original poster

Celestria · 06/06/2014 15:28

Just a wee update seeing as the thread is still going

Things are much better kids wise , my daughter now has a watch and has been coming back when she should and I have been staying firm on other things. I haven't actually had to issue any sort of punishment since this thread and have implemented pocket money. I just needed to get a hold of myself about feeling guilty. I firmly believe kids need boundaries and consistency and I have to remind myself that even if I feel bad for punishments ultimately it's for their benefit. Thanks to all who replied

OP posts:

ForeskinHyena · 06/06/2014 16:43

Well done, it sounds like you've got this parenting lark sorted!

Seriously though, we all have our off days and if we can learn from them and make changes that's all anyone can expect of us.

glenthebattleostrich · 06/06/2014 16:51

Good call on the watch OP.

The parents of the older kids I childmind often ask that I let their kids play out with their friends with limited supervision (basically I know where they are going, they have a time to be in and they check in regularly, are back for meals and they behave appropriately). The kids know I know lots of people where we live so any bad behaviour gets back to me and we do live in quiet area.

Kids need freedom within their boundaries, you sound like you are doing great OP.

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