Rubbish at discipline. No dinner?

[Celestria]

Ever since I had a breakdown in January I have become very soft with my children. That's not to say I was very hard on them before , just firm and consistent.

Since the breakdown and being made homeless we have all been through a lot. The kids didn't know what was wrong with me , they went from pillar to post whilst I was at my worst and in crisis. We had to stay in a bnb for three weeks and now we are in a temporary flat and they have a new school which they love.

So , knowing that we have all been through a lot , I can't find it in me to tell them off and punish them if they are out of line. I think they are aware of it now too.

This afternoon my dd was pulling faces behind my back whilst I was telling her sister she was to tidy her room before going out.

Her sister went out to play at a little park just round the corner where we stay. She knows to come back for dinner but there was no sign of her. I got distracted with the other kids and whilst annoyed I figured she would be home before seven. No sign of her.

So I asked dd 1 to go to the park and look for her for me as ds 2 had fallen asleep. She reappeared rather quickly and told me dd 2 wasn't there.

I went into a bit of a panic then. Dd 2 is a very sensible eight year old so I got concerned. Then worked out dd 1 mustn't have gone to the park as she was so quick.

Cut a long story short, dd 1 lied to me and shouted at me that she had been. I then said I would wake ds 2 and go look myself and if dd 2 was there then I would know she was lying. She then said she would go again and this time came back with her sister.

She admitted she had not gone the first time which wouldn't have bothered me so much as the lying. And her sister came back soaking wet.

So I have tried to be firm and spoken to dd 1 about lying and sent her to her room for the night. Dd 2 I have also sent to her room without dinner in an attempt to reinforce that she needs to come back for it.

But already I feel guilty. They are hardly the crimes of the century are they. Since the breakdown I absolutely detest any sort of unpleasantness but to go back on the punishments would only be to ease my guilt rather than for them.

Aibu about the punishments in your opinion?

OK, similar to me but only 3 DC's.

DC1. Make it very clear about your expectations, and the results of non compliance. Instructions one at a time, ie, Clean your teeth. Then wash your face. Then get dressed, etc. you need to do the same if DC1 needs to check on DC2.

Go to the Park. See if DC2 is there. Tell them to come home now. Come Home. Break it all down into sections. I used to write it down on a piece of paper so he could see each step.

DC2 read the riot act. If she has no SN, then she is in the house until you can trust her to return when she says. Otherwise, she doesn't go out without you. And sod all her friends, you don't care about them. She is your responsibility, not them.

With all of them make it very clear that if they do as you tell them to, nice things (IE treats) will happen. If they do not do as they are asked, then nothing nice will happen.

It's fine, you were scared, you overreacted a bit with the no food, but now you've rectified it. Don't beat yourself up about it. I don't think 8&9 is too young to play out with friends close to home.

Did you give your dd a specific time to be home? I quite often worry when DS1 isn't home at at sensible time, but as I haven't given him an actual time to be home, it's hard to be cross about it.

Does she have a watch with alarm/phone to remind her to come home on time? I wouldn't ground her for more than a week or so. She'll learn her lesson of she has to start being responsible, rather than being locked up for the next year or two.

Do your DC have watches? Maybe that will help DD2 to come back in time?

Don't get too hung up about the lying. Infuriatingly, all children lie. And the harder you come down on them, the better they get at covering heir tracks. (I wish someone had given me that advice when my DC were younger.)

No I don't rely on either girls in regards to my boys. If I was to though it would be dd 2 as she is more together than her sister. She didn't have any way to tell the time but generally pops in for the toilet or to get something. She usually has an alarm set but left her ipod at her dads.

I am very far from a bad mum Bengal and won't be rising to your post.

My god bengal how dare you!

The OP has come here for help, not a slating.

How exactly has your post been helpful?

It's alright worra this is AIBU and we have both been on MN to know what it's like. I'm just ignoring.

Shut up Bengal. You are wrong.

Your posts are horrible, bengal! If you don't have anything nice to say, then...

Because:

1. Her 8 year old daughter was at the park on her own (too young)
2. Sent her older daughter to look for her when she should have gone on her own
3. Sent them to bed with no dinner - HOW DARE SHE MORE LIKE
4. She should have got help at that point - not sit at home

bengal you are wrong on all four of your points

Ok bengal I'll toss you a bone...

1. Her 8 year old daughter was at the park on her own (too young)

This depends on the child and the area and always has done

1. Sent her older daughter to look for her when she should have gone on her own

Why can't she send her daughter on an errand? Kids have been doing this for parents since time began.

1. Sent them to bed with no dinner - HOW DARE SHE MORE LIKE

Which is why she's here, asking for help

1. She should have got help at that point - not sit at home

See above

And

1. What Maryz said at point 5.

Bengal38 I value empathy over off the cuff judgments. Where were you when we were all growing up?

Get dd2 a watch, check that she can check it and understand it, and reassure her that you trust her to come back at an agreed, sensible time. Then move on. Best wishes to you.

Without a watch or anyway of telling the time I don't understand how you can punish an 8 year old for being late. She didn't know the time.

Anyway we all make mistakes. Move on and don't use food as a punishment.

I wish she'd go back to blithering on about the kitchen she works in Maryz

And I never thought I'd say that....