Nanny and cooking - AIBU

[Passthedamnhamplease]

I do a nanny share with another family. We have similar age toddlers. It's always been at the other family's house from when they joined us for various reasons - she is much more neurotic than me about her DD plus they have a bigger house. She was always worried about her sleeping and settling somewhere else. Anyway, I have always just rolled with it.
There have been several annoying things that have just been presented to me as a fait accompli around pay and holidays, but my DD loves the nanny so I've put up with it.

However now I have been told the nanny will no longer make tea as my DD only sleeps for 90 mins at lunchtime and it isn't enough time if she wants to have a break and tidy up the house. So this means I will now have to prepare food to send over every day. The other DD will obviously just have whatever is in their fridge. We had agreed an amount for food that I paid before.

I feel a bit annoyed by this. I am a single working mum and I already have to get him dressed and up and drop him off - it's a drive away - and now I also have to think about cooking a packed dinner for him too. She will still do a sandwich for lunch. I am fully prepared to be told IABU which is why I thought I'd put it to the vote on here. It is always a relief for me sunday night that I don't have to think about food for a few days and the nanny has always been great with food, cooking varied meals from scratch.

So as not to drip feed, there are a few other issues - the nanny does 1 morning in the week where she comes to mine to pick up DD and always leaves the dirty nappy in DD's room, plus my parents were here last week and said she was on her phone for the whole 2 hours she was here plus left DD at the top of the stairs on her own while she was texting in the sitting room. Maybe not relevant - but I suppose I already feel a bit unhappy with the arrangement, then suddenly there is this food thing too.

So mumsnet, AIBU? Hard hat on and bracing myself!

The other mum is not very easy to have these conversations with as whenever I have raised issues with her before, she accuses me of being emotional almost immediately (I know I CAN become emotional but this is way before that point!) and so the conversation becomes confrontational.
Her texts earlier said things like - you must speak to the nanny and resolve this. We need to resolve this or things are going to end badly.

I spoke to the nanny earlier and was very calm and just said that I am not happy about the food thing, but that I respect her decision and will try and make it work then review soon. I said if she is unhappy about the job then she should give notice and I respect her decision too. She tried to get argumentative but I was very calm and I felt proud of myself. I said to her that she needs to give 2 weeks notice and she protested that - but that means I have now reinforced the notice period for when I want to give notice. The other mum was hovering.

In the meantime I have found a childminder 10 mins walk away with a good ofsted and space from august. So am going to visit with DS after tea tonight.

And then I shall give notice - I KNOW the other mum and the nanny will be furious and not take this very easily, but for me this arrangement has totally broken down.

Sounds like nanny and Nanny Thief Mum have been treating you like a total pushover for ages and are a bit miffed that you have the temerity to be fighting back.

Please come back and update when you've confirmed the new CM arrangement and given Nanny Thief Mum the boot

The other mum sounds like she should have a nanny looking after her DC only and the nanny needs to talk to you properly. Fingers crossed the childminder is great and works out well for you and DD and enjoy giving notice.

the thief mum shouldn't be sticking her nose in stirring things!

i still don't understand the nanny's reasons for not cooking tea. how does she think the rest of the world manage? and what was she cooking before? bloody cordon bleu feasts???

ridiculous.

Good on you! Pair of bloody bullies have really pushed too far and shot themselves in the foot.

good luck with visit. I would be careful when you give notice if you need childcare till August. Esp if you don't have a back up alternative for childcare.

What am I reading into this "no making tea" business?

The other mother has already complained about the extra "wear and tear" on her home so has now decided that she's not willing to bear the minimal cost of feeding an additional toddler from her own fridge. Even though she's getting the extra benefit of housekeeping duties which the OP is not.

Greedy, grasping, selfish and unreasonable don't quite cover it.

I'd love to be the fly on the wall when the OP gives notice.

I agree with Starlight's comment about notice/backup.

I would also worry a little about leaving your DC with someone who knows you are leaving anyway and therefore has no expectations to live up to. Your child might get short shrift in a case like this where he is already being treated a bit like a second class citizen. In your situation I would be prepared to give notice on the day the DC is starting with the CM and just pay both the nanny and the CM for the notice period, or offer the nanny a lump sum up front that would perhaps be one week plus a half week's normal pay from you (assuming you are giving a two week notice period).

Hmmm, I'm glad you've decided to change your arrangements but you shouldn't have felt pushed into it. The nanny and the other family are taking the piss. And yes, splitting the cost of her Ofsted registration between both families would have saved you both money. I've been registered for 4 years, not because I wanted to, or paid to but because the parents I worked for wanted me to be and paid for me to be.

It's frustrating to hear about nannies doing such poor jobs (and yes, she is doing a poor job if she's refusing to cook IMHO) when there are so many of us out there trying our best to be as helpful as possible.

Hoping the childminder works for you and that you have very little time left in this arrangement as it sounds like other mother wants a sole nanny and is going about an aggressive way to get rid of you. She'll have a shock when she has to pay full price for the nanny.

She will Groovee. I do feel a bit sad as the nanny has looked after DD for 18 months now so it is the end of an era. And even though I undoubtedly seem like I have let myself be walked over a bit, I did know that the other mum had a better deal but I was still happy with my deal if that makes sense.

However as I said, there have been a few things before this point which made me feel disgruntled and the food thing, coupled with the other mother's response to it is the final straw. Even my very mild mannered parents are very very pleased I am moving on!

I am not worried about leaving DD with her for the notice period as she is a good nanny (albeit one who doesn't want to cook tea anymore!) and she loves her. And even though I only have a 2 week notice period, I will give them a month. I would like to be completely fair in all this. Regardless, i know the mum is going to kick off.

Anyway, thanks for all your support MN.

If the other mother had someone reporting to both her and a colleague at work, would she start calling her colleague over emotional at the drop of a hat?

Doubt it.

Other mother seems to have missed the point that the nanny is a joint employee.

Glad you've got a new solution. In the meantime, suggest you at least ask the nanny to bin DD's nappy when required.