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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny and cooking - AIBU

88 replies

Passthedamnhamplease · 03/06/2014 17:33

I do a nanny share with another family. We have similar age toddlers. It's always been at the other family's house from when they joined us for various reasons - she is much more neurotic than me about her DD plus they have a bigger house. She was always worried about her sleeping and settling somewhere else. Anyway, I have always just rolled with it.
There have been several annoying things that have just been presented to me as a fait accompli around pay and holidays, but my DD loves the nanny so I've put up with it.

However now I have been told the nanny will no longer make tea as my DD only sleeps for 90 mins at lunchtime and it isn't enough time if she wants to have a break and tidy up the house. So this means I will now have to prepare food to send over every day. The other DD will obviously just have whatever is in their fridge. We had agreed an amount for food that I paid before.

I feel a bit annoyed by this. I am a single working mum and I already have to get him dressed and up and drop him off - it's a drive away - and now I also have to think about cooking a packed dinner for him too. She will still do a sandwich for lunch. I am fully prepared to be told IABU which is why I thought I'd put it to the vote on here. It is always a relief for me sunday night that I don't have to think about food for a few days and the nanny has always been great with food, cooking varied meals from scratch.

So as not to drip feed, there are a few other issues - the nanny does 1 morning in the week where she comes to mine to pick up DD and always leaves the dirty nappy in DD's room, plus my parents were here last week and said she was on her phone for the whole 2 hours she was here plus left DD at the top of the stairs on her own while she was texting in the sitting room. Maybe not relevant - but I suppose I already feel a bit unhappy with the arrangement, then suddenly there is this food thing too.

So mumsnet, AIBU? Hard hat on and bracing myself!

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 04/06/2014 09:54

I was going to say, take the emotion of the childcare aspect out of it. Pretend you share a PA at work with one other person, but the PA can't work in your building, spends more time doing the other person's tasks, etc etc. You'd soon get fed up with that! But it seems you've already decided to change things - good decision I think. Good luck.

(I think you also get a special prize for having a unanimous YANBU!)

Longtalljosie · 04/06/2014 09:56

My children love my CM. And yes, you have to take her to their house - but on the plus side you don't have to tidy for the nanny! My CM's house puts mine to shame and is full of lovely toys which have the added bonus of not being their toys so more interesting.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 04/06/2014 09:58

So you are now expected to fund -through the provision of food - the Nanny's cleaning of the other house?

I don't think so.

Time for nursery I think... And definitely don't give them an INCH of goodwill or leeway when it comes to notice periods and time paid etc. Oh and until nursery comes through, smile and say no, you do nt agree to the changing of terms and expect to be consulted, not told, of changes to the contract.

They are taking the piss.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 04/06/2014 09:59

Once you're out of it, send Miss Patronising this thread Grin

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 04/06/2014 10:02

In the end, OP, even if you were being "unreasonable" (which you aren't!) the nature of a nanny share means both sides should be compromising. Say you wanted your child to learn baby tuba five days a week - we might all think that was a bit odd but if you had your own nanny, you could stipulate it. So in a nanny share, you should either get a couple of days a week baby tuba and a couple of days a week the other child's choice, tumble tots or whatever, or you should agree on a compromise class eg Monkey Music. What shouldn't happen is the other mother saying "baby tuba is rubbish, tumble tots is brilliant so both children will have to do Tumbletots, end of discussion"

Ioethe · 04/06/2014 10:03

I have to say, my childminder cooks three meals a day and doesn't take breaks! Definifltey not being unreasonable.

BristolRover · 04/06/2014 10:04

well done. One of the major benefits of having a nanny & the additional expense is that you get home cooked meals ofyour choosing and you get the child's laundry / bedding done for you. If you're not getting those benefits, you're better off going with what a childminder brings - and there are some fantastic childminders out there. There are plenty who are former nannies / nursery workers so are very highly qualified and great on all the developmental stuff and outings, which I found fantastic.

Original poster
Passthedamnhamplease · 04/06/2014 10:29

Thanks everyone - I felt really cross this morning and I definitely feel much calmer now.

Actually the nanny IS a good nanny when it comes to the DC, so if it takes a month or 2 to find the right CM, that is fine. The other mum on the other hand - I have to say that the scales have well and truly fallen from my eyes.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone - I may just do that!

And I will take pleasure in giving notice. It is a shame though, as the nanny has looked after DD since she was 3 months old. Such a shame to end it on a sour note.

OP posts:
HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 04/06/2014 10:36

Can you not steal her back? Ask the nanny if she would like to come back to yours and find another nanny share that is willing to share, ie 2 days at their house and 3 days at yours one week, swap the next week, or all at your house and they pay a slightly smaller fee?

It may be that the nanny would love to come back and work for you and doesn't want all the conditions imposed by the other family, regardless of size of the house.

Original poster
Passthedamnhamplease · 04/06/2014 10:47

DD is ready for a different childcare setting I think anyway, and even though I know she is a good nanny and DD loves her, I find her quite unprofessional sometimes - she will criticise the other mum to me and I know she criticises me to her. And this not wanting to cook tea thing has definitely come straight from her. So we are done - it's just a question of when.
And thanks mumsnet for helping me get that straight in my head.

OP posts:
HayDayQueen · 04/06/2014 11:41

Someone can be quite likeable but still be rubbish at all or part of their job.

So good for you for making this decision.

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 04/06/2014 11:52

Just as an aside, OP, you can pay a nanny using childcare vouchers as long as the nany is Ofsted registered. I have always paid ouir nannies in childcare vouchers, to the maximum that I can claim. I have paid for the Ofsted registration as it is in my interests to (which I think was about 70 per year, but I could be wrong).

Original poster
Passthedamnhamplease · 04/06/2014 11:58

Yes I know but she isn't OFSTED registered.

The other mum has just text me to say how upset the nanny is as I am unhappy about her not wanting to cook tea and how the nanny is ready to throw in the towel. I saw the nanny this morning as she comes to pick DD up on a wednesday and she was fine, so the other mum must have been really stirring things up.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 04/06/2014 12:00

Just reply that you're sorry to hear that.

OddFodd · 04/06/2014 12:02

Sounds like they're welcome to one another. Really hope you find a lovely CM :)

HayDayQueen · 04/06/2014 12:09

'I'm sorry X doesn't feel up to performing the duties that are usually expected of a nanny. Perhaps we need to come up with an alternative arrangement?'

HiawathaDidntBotherTooMuch · 04/06/2014 12:11

So why don't you ask her to become Ofsted registered, and you pay for the registration? It would save you loads.

Runningforfun · 04/06/2014 12:23

the other mum said how it isn't easy for them either as there is so much wear and tear on their house and burst into tears.

Oh how I hate people who burst into tears at the drop of a hat. That would be the final straw for me.

I would be suggesting that the nanny operates from your home if the wear and tear on her house was so much it makes her cry, then you might get your cleaning subsidised by the other mother. I wonder what she would have to say about that? It would also mean the nanny could prepare your dc tea from whatever was in your fridge.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/06/2014 12:44

Is it wrong that I'm marking my place on this thread for the fireworks when you tell Nanny Thief Mum to stuff it? Grin

SuperFlyHigh · 04/06/2014 12:57

Othehuge me too! Slow day!

HilariousInHindsight · 04/06/2014 12:58

Tabby it's ridiculous of the other Mum to be behaving like that.

notapizzaeater · 04/06/2014 13:05

I'd text her back and say, she was ok when I asked her This morning but then I hate being taken the piss of !

SavoyCabbage · 04/06/2014 13:19

The other mother wants everything her own way so she will have to employ a nanny of her very own. Not get somebody else to pay for half.

Your dd will be totally fine with someone new.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2014 13:38

Nanny Thief Mum Grin

I'd love to be a fly on the wall during that conversation!

HopefulHamster · 04/06/2014 13:38

I'd be sorely tempted to give the other mum a good talking to at this point - exactly who does she think she is to have everything on her terms?

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