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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny and cooking - AIBU

88 replies

Passthedamnhamplease · 03/06/2014 17:33

I do a nanny share with another family. We have similar age toddlers. It's always been at the other family's house from when they joined us for various reasons - she is much more neurotic than me about her DD plus they have a bigger house. She was always worried about her sleeping and settling somewhere else. Anyway, I have always just rolled with it.
There have been several annoying things that have just been presented to me as a fait accompli around pay and holidays, but my DD loves the nanny so I've put up with it.

However now I have been told the nanny will no longer make tea as my DD only sleeps for 90 mins at lunchtime and it isn't enough time if she wants to have a break and tidy up the house. So this means I will now have to prepare food to send over every day. The other DD will obviously just have whatever is in their fridge. We had agreed an amount for food that I paid before.

I feel a bit annoyed by this. I am a single working mum and I already have to get him dressed and up and drop him off - it's a drive away - and now I also have to think about cooking a packed dinner for him too. She will still do a sandwich for lunch. I am fully prepared to be told IABU which is why I thought I'd put it to the vote on here. It is always a relief for me sunday night that I don't have to think about food for a few days and the nanny has always been great with food, cooking varied meals from scratch.

So as not to drip feed, there are a few other issues - the nanny does 1 morning in the week where she comes to mine to pick up DD and always leaves the dirty nappy in DD's room, plus my parents were here last week and said she was on her phone for the whole 2 hours she was here plus left DD at the top of the stairs on her own while she was texting in the sitting room. Maybe not relevant - but I suppose I already feel a bit unhappy with the arrangement, then suddenly there is this food thing too.

So mumsnet, AIBU? Hard hat on and bracing myself!

OP posts:
isabellavine · 03/06/2014 18:12

Wow, I think you've been more than reasonable given you pay 50/50. I think I'd ignore the phone thing (maybe she wasn't on the phone the whole time, maybe she had something urgent to sort out) but I would definitely have a word with the other family and say a big fat NO to the new food arrangement.

ManchesterAunt · 03/06/2014 18:13

Yup, time to move on.

AlpacaLypse · 03/06/2014 18:15

I think it's a pretty unanimous yanbu! A rarity for us lot, savour it OP...

And roll on your new permanent contract. If it's more than a week or two away, have you started looking for a suitable nursery?

Is there a notice period in your agreement with nanny/other (faintly demented) family?

Longtalljosie · 03/06/2014 18:21

You do need a childminder. Effectively, that's what you have... Only now no meals are involved, you're even worse off. That said, my CM isn't licensed for food, but many are

heraldgerald · 03/06/2014 18:30

Yanbu. Move on! Well done on permanent Job

heraldgerald · 03/06/2014 18:30

Yanbu. Move on! Well done on permanent Job

heraldgerald · 03/06/2014 18:30

Yanbu. Move on! Well done on permanent Job

HopefulHamster · 03/06/2014 18:42

Ye gads you pay half and don't get to make any of the decisions! And you found the nanny!

Definitely move to nursery/childminder instead. And congrats on the job :)

dinkystinky · 03/06/2014 18:45

Get a new nanny - my nanny looks after DS3 (who sleeps for 90 mins at lunch) and manages to eat her lunch, tidy up, do packed lunches for my older two and get dinner ready in that time - and have some time to put her feet up too!

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 03/06/2014 19:32

If a nanny in your house said, "look, I can either tidy or carry on cooking DD's dinner", you'd have a choice of which chore to absorb. You aren't being given that choice even though one option doesn't benefit you at all.

And surely a 90 min nap is enough to do dinner, a quick tidy and a sit down?

veryseriousgirl · 03/06/2014 19:53

We were in a very similar situation with our first nanny (duties we agreed to in the beginning were not being performed - including me ending up doing ALL the cooking for the nannyshare, difficult relationship with other family, etc). We terminated the arrangement when DD was around 18 months old, and found a childminder. It was the best thing we have ever done re: childcare. YANBU and I would encourage you to look at other options!

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 03/06/2014 20:01

Move on!

In my last nanny share, I cared for 3 under 3 -and only 1 napped...and managed to make dinner! Ok it was pasta/ fish and veg/ meat and veg or stuff in the slow cooker rather then gourmet cooking but it wasnt hard! Its part of a nannys job surely!!

This really doesn't sound like a nanny share that is fair to you, you have been mote then accommodating. ..I would get out quickly!!

kawliga · 03/06/2014 20:13

Sorry somebody stole your nanny from you, that's really bad luck.

You will find a nice replacement, don't worry, and your dc will love them too. The main difference between a nanny and childminder is that nanny comes to you and works in your home, so this was not really a 'nanny' experience for you.

The hardest thing about making childcare decisions is that usually the carer is lovely to the dc and the dc love the carer so you feel stuck with them even if the carer is horrid to you. You feel like you have to suck it up for the dc's sake. You just have to learn to take the carer-parent relationship as being important too, it's not just whether the dc love them. My dd has ALWAYS loved her carers, even the ones who were ridiculously twattish to me.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 03/06/2014 20:19

FYI OP, I think you can use childcare vouchers for registered nannies (just perhaps not this one!)?

Viviennemary · 03/06/2014 20:22

It sounds like you are not getting a very fair deal out of this arrangement. Raise your concerns and if nothing changes then look for different childcare. I agree that it's difficult when the nanny is answerable to two people and is based at their house. Since you were the one who employed the nanny in the first place it's a bit rich that they're the ones calling the shots now.

starlight1234 · 03/06/2014 20:30

Yep another vote for a CM which is essentially what you already have but are paying a premium for it.

I also agree with KAwliga...she isn't your nanny anymore she belongs in the other home.

This relationship is breaking down. I would get DD out sooner rather than later so she doesn't pick up on the resentment you feel

Marylou62 · 03/06/2014 20:36

I agree with mathanxiety. What a strange thing for GP to say. I have been a nanny for more years than I can say and when GPs are there, I step back. It seems to me that the other family are having a laugh. You pay the same yet you get non of the perks of employing a nanny...time to leave and I don't want to seem mean but I think she is in for a shock when trying to fill your half of the nanny share...Wanted...a nanny share...nanny pay split between both families but nanny to be based only at my house . Own food to be provided!

Laquitar · 03/06/2014 21:23

On one hand they probably supply the nanny's meals and drinks? And in the winter they pay for all day heating. So you are saving there.

On the other hand you have to drop and collect and they probably get some housekeeping from the nanny.

The cooking: she could make some pasta or fish and she can cook extra and freeze.

In the end of the day it doesnt sound equal, it seems like the other family has all the control of the situation and you have none. Nursery might work better for you.

mathanxiety · 03/06/2014 22:12

I think the food situation sounds bizarre -- it takes about the same amount of time to prepare one meal to be shared by two toddlers as it would to prepare a meal for one.

I was thinking of a slow cooker just for you -- it's a pita to have to cook every day. If you got a small slow cooker you could do some batch cooking on a weekend and have a range of small frozen meals ready to warm up when you come home. Even three different meals would give you a rotation. The nanny could do the same I suppose.. but she sounds pretty work shy tbh.

creampie · 03/06/2014 22:35

Could the nanny not come to you, pick up your daughter, then take her to the other house?

Obviously this doesn't solve the other issues but it would make life easier and fairer for you.

Original poster
Passthedamnhamplease · 04/06/2014 09:42

Hi Creampie - no, that's not an option. And mathanxiety, a slow cooker would be great. I don't have much space in the kitchen though. Maybe they do small ones though.

Anyway, there has been further discussion with the other mum about all this and it's made me even crosser - without posting what she wrote here, I can't explain how patronising she is. But I can't really repost it as it would totally out me if she reads this.

So I am going to vote with my feet and find a new arrangement. And fingers crossed the work thing happens as that would ease things tremendously.

Thanks for all the input - even bearing in mind this is my side of the story, this is unanimous - the other mum always likes to make out I am being unreasonable so it is good to get some independent views.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/06/2014 09:47

Yes, def make new arrangements. This other woman is taking the piss out of your good nature and basically you daugher is in effect with a childminder and you are funding for her to have a nanny!

My DS had a childminder from 4 months old, she was absolutely brilliant.

Stand firm though, this woman will try and talk you into staying with the arrangement........but don't!

HopefulHamster · 04/06/2014 09:49

Grr, the other mum is making me so angry! She has stolen your childcare arrangement! Part of me hopes she doesn't find it very easy to get someone else to share with her...

eddielizzard · 04/06/2014 09:49

i'd be majorly hacked off. they have taken advantage. i would definitely be moving asap. i'd probably go for a child minder.

some people are so weird! Like they just want to take what they can get.

HayDayQueen · 04/06/2014 09:49

Good for you! My DSs went to a CM and they loved it! The CM was very focussed on them. Her housework was done AFTER the children all left. Lots of outings, lots of activities at her house, and other children to play with.

The ONLY caveat is that a nanny would usually look after an ill child and a CM won't necessarily - same rules as a nursery. But I suspect your nanny share arrangement probably wouldn't let you leave an ill child with the nanny anyway.....;

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