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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed with the school not using my name!

62 replies

extremepie · 02/06/2014 18:49

Inspired by another thread, was actually going to post about it ages ago but I forgot :D

A while ago I had to have a meeting with ds' head teacher and some other people from the school. It's a verrrry long story what the meeting was about but it was quite an emotive subject for me, I was stressed out and upset.

All the people in the meeting kept referring to me as 'mum' not even 'ds' mum' just 'mum'. It was irritating me so much I eventually just snapped and said 'excuse me, I do have a name you know! You all know me by first name as I am in here so often, so please use it! I'm not just someone's mother I am a person in my own right'.

They apologised for upsetting me although since then have continued to call me mum! but I was talking to bf the other night and he said I was really unreasonable!

Thing is, since me & ex spilt I have struggled with my new role, I was a full time worker and the only earner in the family and overnight had to become a SAHP, give up my job, social life, basically everything except the kids! I went from being a 'well rounded' person with friends and having my own interests and independence to having all that taken away :(

I love my kids dearly but my self worth has eroded away so much over the last year I no longer feel like a 'real' person with any value so to have the school constantly refer to me in this away just reinforces in my own head this idea that I have that I am nothing in myself and only have a purpose as someone's mother, I don't even have my own name :(

Aibu? Should I not have said anything? Or does bf just not understand?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 02/06/2014 18:50

If your kid was there 'mum' is fine

Not otherwise

IkeaFurnitureAssemblyChampions · 02/06/2014 18:52

YANBU. The only person I call 'Mum' is my own mother. Occasionally people other than my DCs have referred to me as 'mum' and I find it very odd. I'm not their mother!

PrincessBabyCat · 02/06/2014 18:53

Yeah, if DS wasn't there, "mum" sounds like it'd be the equivalent of referring to you as "hun" and just as dismissive.

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 02/06/2014 18:53

I'm with you it's just bloody rude and lazy.

Bob's Mum would be bad enough, but 'just' Mum is crappy.

Pheonixisrising · 02/06/2014 18:53

this is standard in a school , but it's good that you drew attention to it

  • it wasn't personal
Original poster
extremepie · 02/06/2014 18:54

Ds wasn't there he was in class :)

OP posts:
TheRealMaryMillington · 02/06/2014 18:55

It is ridiculous, and actually verging on rude, to call you "mum" when you have a longstanding relationship with the school and are in that kind of meeting.

If HCPs I've never met before call me "mum" it doesn't bother me, but I would also have been irritated.

I'm sorry you've been having such a tough time, hope things improve soon. Don't bother having a row with bf though.

Duckierub · 02/06/2014 18:56

"this is standard in a school "
Not in ours
YANBU.

Original poster
extremepie · 02/06/2014 18:56

I do feel like AIB slightly U as I'm sure they didn't mean any offence but I don't think they realise the impact it can have on someone like me who already feels completely undervalued, and the school are well aware of my whole life story pretty much so it's not like me struggling is coming as a surprise to them!

I'm thinking about saying something again since they keep calling me mum but wanted to see if I was BU first :D

OP posts:
TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 02/06/2014 18:57

I just about accept "x's Mum" if X is there butn otherwise "Mrs. X" is fine. "Mum" grates, chronically: midwives seem to say it a lot.

alsmutko · 02/06/2014 18:57

Just make it clear, from the start, how you want to be addressed.

Even if my dd was there I would tell whoever 'my name's Alsmutko' and then they always called me Al!

lookingaround · 02/06/2014 18:58

I've had this before and although it seems like laziness/rudeness on the part of the school staff it is probably something they do without thinking. Keep picking them up on it or just refer to them as Mrs/Miss etc. next time and they may get the hint.

spottydolphin · 02/06/2014 18:58

i've never been called "mum" by anyone in a school :-/ so i don't think it's standard. I also think if you ask them to stop doing it they should!

yanbu

phantomnamechanger · 02/06/2014 19:00

I thought this was about them calling you 'Mrs DS surname' instead of 'Miss yoursurname' ! It's very lazy to address you as mum like this throughout a meeting, very unprofessional!

maddy68 · 02/06/2014 19:00

Tbh I can see both sides. I'm dreadful with names and sometimes in stressful situations (meetings with parents etc) I genuinely forget their name, or can't remember whether it's mrs x or miss or the surname is different to the child. So sometimes use terms such as this. It's bloody patronising I admit but sometimes I genuinely can't remember in the middle of a conversation. So it's a coping mechanism I suppose

IneedAwittierNickname · 02/06/2014 19:02

Yanbu

It's not standard in out school either.
The teachers used to refer to me as Mrs DS'surname, and I politely told them I am Miss mysurname (some teachers still assume I'm Mrs theirname, but only if they don't know me)
I've been on so many school trips in the last few years though that most.of them call.me.by my 1st name, one even uses my nickname as she noticed.that's what children on a trip called me (they knew me from else where)

Andrewofgg · 02/06/2014 19:05

Talking about somebody who is present in the third person is always offensive. I get annoyed if somebody asks How's Andrew? and this is a great deal worse. maddy68 In my days when I met teachers they provided everyone with a name-badge which avoids the necessity to remember what could be scores of names of people you rarely meet.

Biscuitsneeded · 02/06/2014 19:06

I totally get what you're saying. It's laziness really, isn't it? My kids' school always refer to me as Mrs S. Well, Mrs S is my MIL, and I am Ms P, but it seems too much for them to grasp that. I don't like to make a big thing of it but in my kids' class there are loads of professional women who go by their own names and not their partner's, lots of single parents, lots of cohabiters etc - in fact only a minority of parents would accurately be Mrs Surname of Kid. Grrr.

defineme · 02/06/2014 19:10

I am in a lot of school meetings as a parent and this is standard.
I have no problem with this because my role as mum is why I am in the meeting whichis not about anyone in the room but is about my son so ds's mum is also fine.
i often forget the names of people from different agencies in those meetings and will say something like 'so what do you as ds's salt think about this?' They don't seem offended.
I had no problem with it when I was a sahm or now I am a wohm.
There was a thread about this issue with HCPS calling women mum and them being offended by it so you're not alone in this.
I appreciate that this has a point as a feminist issue in our patriarchal society. However, dh is called dad at the meetings he goes to too.
I think you've been through a very hard time and were understandably sensitive.

Original poster
extremepie · 02/06/2014 19:11

See I don't even mind being called Mrs 'surname' because mine, exH's and DC's surnames are all the same but they hardly ever do it's almost always mum. They never use my first name, even though they are all well aware of it :(

OP posts:
HilariousInHindsight · 02/06/2014 19:19

If your DS was there I think that's perfectly acceptable. They are just referring to your role as parent. They don't know about your insecurities or how it makes you feel re social life being disrupted and being a SAHP.

I do sympathise it could be annoying for some but for others they like it so you can't please everyone.

I hope as the kids get older you are able to get yourself hobbies to give yourself a bit more 'me time' as that's important even when you are a 'mum'.

I can see why they were uncomfortable though as if you had said 'Can you please call me X' I'd not think you were being unreasonable but by lecturing on them on why it's not right for them to call you Mum, it sounds a bit preachy.

defineme · 02/06/2014 19:19

I kept my name and I am ms with a different surname to my kids. I
do not expect remembering my name to be a priority of the school staff who teach and care for my children not me. My eldest is at secondary school and the staff there have hundreds of students. So mum or mrs dc surname is absolutely fine by me.
my name and my choices about it mean a great deal to me, as do my job and everything else, but I don't see why it should matter to the school staff.

HumphreyCobbler · 02/06/2014 19:23

I think that it is very dismissive to be referred to as mum in a meeting. I have never seen this happen in all my years of teaching. It is lazy and disrespectful and they SHOULD have been picked up on it.

TattyDevine · 02/06/2014 19:33

I used to get this at DS nursery, but I found it quite charming because it sounded like The Bill and I am not English so I am a pathetic tourist Grin

Its not a big deal to me but I can see your annoyance.

TheRealMaryMillington · 02/06/2014 19:33

Presumably everyone will be reading - briefly - the notes of the meeting beforehand. There is usually paperwork with such things. Or people are introduced or reintroduced to each other at the top of the meeting. It takes 5 seconds.

Not being arsed or able to remember people's names, or choosing to call them "mum" when asked not to - and presumably when they know the surname of the child - is unprofessional. It can also be used to undermine. It should matter to school for those reasons.