To get annoyed with the school not using my name!

[extremepie]

Inspired by another thread, was actually going to post about it ages ago but I forgot :D

A while ago I had to have a meeting with ds' head teacher and some other people from the school. It's a verrrry long story what the meeting was about but it was quite an emotive subject for me, I was stressed out and upset.

All the people in the meeting kept referring to me as 'mum' not even 'ds' mum' just 'mum'. It was irritating me so much I eventually just snapped and said 'excuse me, I do have a name you know! You all know me by first name as I am in here so often, so please use it! I'm not just someone's mother I am a person in my own right'.

They apologised for upsetting me although since then have continued to call me mum! but I was talking to bf the other night and he said I was really unreasonable!

Thing is, since me & ex spilt I have struggled with my new role, I was a full time worker and the only earner in the family and overnight had to become a SAHP, give up my job, social life, basically everything except the kids! I went from being a 'well rounded' person with friends and having my own interests and independence to having all that taken away :(

I love my kids dearly but my self worth has eroded away so much over the last year I no longer feel like a 'real' person with any value so to have the school constantly refer to me in this away just reinforces in my own head this idea that I have that I am nothing in myself and only have a purpose as someone's mother, I don't even have my own name :(

Aibu? Should I not have said anything? Or does bf just not understand?

Start calling them by their job titles in return. I don't mean as in 'the head teacher said...' But when you are talking to them 'so, head teacher, you think...'

In a formal meeting like for SEN related matters, there should be people making notes, written agenda, etc, and everyone should introduce themselves at the start. Nobody is expected to remember that DS's mum is Miss Ownsurname not Mrs DSsurname- it's right there in front of them (or should be).

In a less formal meeting, surely the polite thing would be to ask if addressing the parent by their first name is Ok (as in this case, they clearly knew it). Or failing that, ask 'is it Mrs DSsurname?' Or even nod in her general direction while saying "mmmrrrrsssss....." in the hope that DS' mum will jump in and provid the correct title and surname!

Every time I would call them on it. It's not hard to remember a name, especially when you have regular meetings with them, and while you are in a meeting.. It is different when it's a quick chat with the teacher in the class at the end/beginning of day. But even then teachers/TA's try and remember names.

It is rude to not use your name. It is dismissive. It is disrespectful. These are supposed to be professionals. They should remember your name. I bet they remember the names when going to conferences, cpd, even other meetings..

Yes you are a mum. But you are a person before this.

And no it is not the norm in all schools. None of the schools my dc's went to was I ever refereed to as mum. In the school I work in, we use the parents name. It isn't hard.

I would pull them every time. Yes eventually they will start wanting to wind up the meeting, because it is going over the allotted time. But I wouldn't be in a rush and I would remind them it's their own fault for failing to call me by my name.

It's unacceptable, and patronising. My name is Mrs/Ms. XX and it maintains professionalism on both sides to use it. I don't want medical staff to call me "mum" either, especially since my dc exclusively use "mummy". I think it's another way of trying to belittle women and write them off as "just mums."

YANBU. The only people who get to call you mum are your children.

Thing is hilarious, they DO know all about it's impact on me, they know that I had to give up work etc, they know I have no friends, they know I have no life virtually no family for support so they are pretty well aware of what I'm going through!

It's a really small village primary school too so they don't have hundreds of students. I know they probably don't see it as a big deal but it is to me :(

It is disrespectful and lazy of them, and comes across as quite patronising. I would be annoyed too. Could you turn it back on them, call them 'Class teacher', 'head teacher', or maybe not even use their job titles, just 'middle aged blonde woman' etc. ?

It doesn't bother me personally when this happens at DD's medical appts. It's about DD not me, it's just a shorthand for professionals who are having these meetings week in, week out. They are usually brilliant attalking with DD and that is way more important. But I can see why you are feeling much more sensitive to it given the personal nature of the discussion and the wider things that are happening.

But I have been in meetings where the head is sddressed as headteacher as is the governor and so firth. A judge doesn't mind being called judge.

I have meetings with three, four or five different "agencies" at a time. They talk about "School", "School Health", "Behaviour Support" etc - and often, I'm "Mum".

I understand that they all see loads of different families and they all call my son by his name. I feel that so long as they know who he is and care about him as an individual, them calling me Mum or Sezam doesn't really matter.

A Jack Dee sketch does always come to mind though - referring to the Health Visitor - he says we all have names, I don't call you Spinster do I? ;)

In an ideal world, Hulababy. Many people would not be able to finance the legal support the McCanns have in place (and for such a long period).

It's disrespectful and patronising.

My DSs primary school always used to do it, and I used to pull them up on it every time and say 'can you refer to me by name please'.

With their secondary school, I am CONSTANTLY addressed as Mrs Spoon...I am in fact Miss, and again, every time they get it wrong I point it out. It's worse when they call me about DS2, because (despite having my full name - and title on his contact card) they always call me Mrs DS2Surname, which is not even - and never has been - my name!

Sigh.

I think that it's quite rude to call you "mum". My children's school often refer to me as "mrs" dd's name which is wrong but I think that it's fair enough to do that.

It's not just schools, you get people like social workers and caseworkers in special educational needs department using it too. Almost invariably there's a subtext of downgrading the parent in the professional hierarchy - A is an educational psychologist, B is a paediatrician, C is a specialist teacher, D is a lead social worker, but E is just mum who is there for the others to patronise and pretend to listen to. Even though she is the person who knows the child best.

YANBU - I would find it rude and patronising if I were referred to like that in a meeting between adults when my son isn't present. Even with him present it would not be ideal but I probably wouldn't say anything. Just among adults, however? YADNBU. I would also have pointed out that my name is 'Avery' and I prefer that people refer to me by my first name (or alternatively 'And that's 'Mrs Jessup' to you, thank you very much').

It's just patronising nonsense. And also lazy. How long does it take to check what your name is and make sure they use it?

Once you've asked to be referred to by your name, that should be enough for them to stop using mum, even if it is standard for them so YANBU. Regardless of how your life is going, for them to ignore how you would prefer to be addressed is plain rude.

Icimoi hit the nail on the head right there :)

i understand what you mean when i split from dd dad they all referred to me as mrs x we were never married and that really peeved me then people called me mom i felt like i had no other identity other than mom its all people called me! dd was the only one at home with me so i was mom there too i flinched once too often at the school so they referred to me as x mom which was a little better we went on a school trip once and as per asked what names we wanted to be called i made a point of getting them to call me by my first name the kids loved it and the teacher finally learned my name!

I am sorry extreme I wasn't trying to be rude.

They either forgot or we're being patronising.

Each time just say. "it's Sarah" or "I'm Mrs Thompson" and they'll hopefully get so bored of you doing it they'll correct themselves.

Do you know if this is the same for other parents? Specially interested to know if a child's father is called Daddy/Dad.

I had this when was picked up from an appointment by a nurse at 22 I kid you not "Is this Dad picking you up?"

I never realised we had the same Dad, he kept that quiet.

It's ok hilarious, just wanted to clarify that the school are quite aware of my situation :)

Ds' dad has not been around since we split so not had reason to go to the school but I'm pretty sure they never called him Dad :(

That's the thing deaky, I'm mum at home and sometimes the school is the only adult interaction I have all day! I don't want to be known as mum everywhere I go, as if I don't even have a name anymore!

It's bizarre really, how such a little thing can bother me so much? Seems insignificant when you think about it but it doesn't feel that way when they say it, maybe I'm just a drama llama!

You are not being a drama llama, it is rude, lazy and condescending. Either consciously or unconsciously the teachers are doing what they do in the classroom, using names as a way of creating a power dynamic

They are 'Mr Smith Ms Jones and Mrs Johnson' you are referred to by a generic title. It serves to create the impression that they are the professionals who will make the decisions and command respect, but you are just a nameless, faceless mother.

I like the idea suggested by another poster of responding 'I agree year six teacher' or 'I think deputy headteacher isn't fully up to date with the situation' and it might shock them into treating you like an individual.

I hate it when the school call me Mrs (kids surname and exs name). 12 year later and the same staff still do it. I am Miss X X X. I know it's a pretty easy mistake to make but correcting people for 12 yr, you would think they would know by now.

Next time say "Please, call me X". They can hardly reply "No, I'd rather call you Mum."

Yanbu at all!

It is quite bizarre, but I think it is not something that would bother most people. However they should respect your wishes, and I guess that because you are feeling insecure and invisible it is even more important that they do.

Random encounter in playground is ok, but not in a pre-arranged meeting. Basic manners to call you by your name. The equivalent would be you calling them Teacher 1 and teacher 2!