To need advice on how to handle this. (teenage girls)

[Carrie5608]

Dd is year 9. Today the year head asked if anyone wanted to give a speech at the Keystage 3 prize giving. Dd volunteered.

She is bright and intelligent. Confident enough to write and give the speech.

Afterwards her 2 best friends came to her and told her everyone in year 9 laughs at her and if she gives this speech they will laugh at her even more.

She now wants to tell the year head she won't do the speech.

This is a mixed ability school, she does get a fair amount of grief for being "a swot" and has been bullied this year. Next year it will be streamed and she will leave most of the kids in her class including the "best friends". She will do nine GCSE's the two best friends will do seven.

WWYD?

Id call the school kids who wre different from what is seen as the norm are pickef on I dont know what yeR9 is I am guessing 13/14 this is when this rubbish sttarts your d shouldnt be afraid to do her speech

I think at this age you should discuss with her why she doesn't want to do it - perhaps with the year head but ultimately she is old enough to make this decision herself. Developing socially is just as important as being a high achiever and navigating social issues like this will stand her in good stead as an adult.

Oh, that is a shame. Your poor DD, it must have been really upsetting for her.

I would speak with her, if possible involving the school. Have they been helpful on the bullying issues?

Are there any other girls who are more interested in getting on well in school, who she could team up with?

It's entirely your dds choice, you don't need to work out how to handle it. All you can do is support her choice either way, but if she wants to do it and is wavering, then I'd encourage her to go for it. Let people laugh if they want to, teenage girls can be incredibly bitchy and there's no real reason why your dd should give the views of horrible girls enough credit that it prevents her doing something positve. If she doesn't want to do it, then that's fine too, just do whatever you can to encourage her confidence.

It's nice that her friends told her they were worried, it sounds like they are looking out for her.

Nine GCSEs doesn't make someone a swot, there are probably children there that will do more, so the people giving your dd grief are misguided and would pick on anything they felt like.

Taking the post at face value, I strongly suspect it isn't "the whole school" but the two girls, who are possibly jealous. In my experience, that's pretty typical, even among "best friends".

I would probably talk to the school, and I would still encourage your daughter to do the speech, it's something she will likely regret not doing, and I don't believe her classmates will think ill of her after.

Ooh, that's tough. On all concerned, including the friends who told her - it's mean but they are to an extent just the messengers and may not deserve to be shot. I would talk to school, and to your DD, maybe separately to start with but eventually together if possible. One possible outcome might be for the school to find another volunteer (possibly from the group your dd will be in next year?) to do it with her?

Obviously you don't want her to give in to bullying like this, but you can't minimise that pressure which is very real.

I agree with the other posters - let her make the choice but encourage her whatever she decides to do.

It's nothing but jealousy, the people laughing will be jealous that she has the confidence and ability to do this, I'd put a safe bet on that they do not.

She sounds lovely, bright and intelligent, probably everything these bullies are not which is why she is easy pickings.

Sorry she's going through this, I've been there myself and it's not nice but she should do what she wants to do, not what everyone else is telling her to do/not to do.

I hope she ignores them and does the speech anyway

I don't think it's cut and dry. Teenage girls can make life hell for one who is different. She has already been bullied and even though she will be in different classes next year she still needs to rub along with everyone.
So many people will say to hell with them she should do it and be proud......but I think a high profile for someone who is already a target is a mistake.

I have some experience of this. DS always a high flyer in maths, came home in tears in year 8 because he won the maths prize. The teasing had got worse as a result. He started to go down the dumbing down route, but thankfully made a group of like minded friends and flourished in the end becoming proud of being a swot.

Oh god this is bringing back memories.

I was the class swot and I volunteered for everything. I didn't make the connection between 'showing off' (classmates' perception) and subsequent bullying.

In many ways I think that my mum should have said to me, look, I am not blaming you for what you are going through, but there are some things you can do for an easier life and sitting out some things and not making yourself look like the Head's pet might help you in the short term.

...Yes, I know I am projecting!

Hmm that's a tricky one to answer. I was known as a swot at school, a good speaker etc and was always up on stage, mortified, making speeches!
I ended up 'reverse-cheating' in tests ie. purposely doing badly, to avoid being called a swot, but eventually realised that this was ridiculous.
Using hindsight I think: if you have skills, use them. If they laugh, let them; you will have the last laugh when you end up doing so much better in life. But I also know that the bullying climate of schools these days is a bit different to the 'Grange Hill' level of my day!
Sorry: inconclusive help! If your daughter decides to do it then support/praise like billio?

It would really stick in my throat to encourage her not to do it in your position, OP. If she gives in to this where does it stop ?

Irrespective of what DD decides, I would want to have a word with the school. A culture in which it's not cool to work hard, and doing so makes you a target for bullying, is presumably not what the school is aiming for. Granted it's not easy to change, but they need to be trying, IMHO.

Tell her the truth. Not caring what other people think is an adult skill. But it's not one that comes without practice. It's something she has to work on. People are attracted to confidence and sometimes it's better to fake it till you make it.

Bullying sucks, and I really don't know of any happy bullies. Even adult ones. They're miserable people and misery loves company.

Tell her not to take it personally when people laugh at her. Would she feel upset if a 5 year old was laughing at her? It might be easier to accept if she understands these kids have childish mentalities and not to take it any more personally than she would from a child.

DD had this level of bullying I remember, it use to tie me in knots. Shes through it all now, an adult, but I know exactly what you are feeling at the moment.

What I would do is totally reassure her that people wont laugh (and they absolutely will not), that this is these girls problem not your dds, jealously shows its self in many different ways.

Tell her hold her head high and this will pass and before she knows it those girls will be a blip in her history.

Dont tell her this bit, but if she gives in she allows them to win, they will carry on knocking her, this way she takes back control.

I am another one who wishes they had been advised that sometimes, it's okay to step back for an easier life.

She won't 'take back control' and gain confidence if the speech equals another four weeks of petty teasing and humiliation.

I'd tell her definitely to go ahead and do the speech, but I would make sure you are actively involved in the text and the method of delivery; ie you check no obvious embarrassing content or attempts at jokes etc; an honest and sincere speech competently delivered should not be laughed at and if it is, more fool the idiots who laugh at it.
This opens the way to debating, public speaking etc, all brilliant skills for teenagers to master.

When i was at school a girl on the first day of secondary school (aged 11) got up and introduced herself the way we were told to. (with a rhyming/alliterated animal - so think Penny Panda or similar) A girl got up confidently first to say hers proudly and was mercilessly teased and bullied for the rest of the school life. Seriously at 16 people were still saying 'shut the fuck up Penny Panda'. Still now when i think of it i cringe and think 'wtf were you thinking?' (not that i was one of her tormentors of course and i did feel very sorry for her - but the school was rough and she was considered 'posh' as was i). She became horribly depressed and desperate for friends, started doing really stupid risky things to get people to like her and ended up failing all her gcse's (despite being very bright).

It IS possible the entire school is laughing at your DD - I'm sorry. I'm not saying that to be cruel, but i have worked in secondary schools and these things do happen. Once you have been targeted it is very hard to remove that. My advice would be not to draw any more attention to herself. I know that's awful and i'd love to say, fuck 'em, tell her to do it and be dammed. But it isn't me, or you, who has to go to school with that constant abuse.

I was a 'posh' 'swot' and had few friends at school. But i wasn't bullied like 'penny' because i made decision from the beginning not to draw any attention to myself. I just sat quietly at the back and kept to myself. It's really sad. But we can all be brave heroes when it isn't us to face the consequences.

It's not a an 80s high school movie where she will give the most rousing speech and be cheered and carried out of the hall on the students shoulders chanting her name. Chances are, if she's already been identified as a target it will make life really horrible for her.

I would let her make her decision and if she doesn't want to do it, not encourage her to do so. Only she knows how bad it is and how she will feel - and for what?

Honestly i really feel for her.

Friends or Frenemies, sheesh!!
With friends like that, who needs...

I wouldn't force the issue about the speech, doesn't sound like it matters. Support but don't push in any way. I'd love mine to have a tone of defiance about it, but so hard to do that when age 13-14.

I would get in touch with HoY & have a right moan about what can they do to improve pastoral care.

Agree with the comments. Also if it continued I'd have a word with the school and let them know that a number of pupils are promoting a culture of being average which may affect the among of effort others put in, and ask them how they propose to deal with it. If it doesn't improve I'd change schools.

Trouble was at my school a lot of the teachers were complacent, as long as you were at least average you were left to get on with it. There was a lot of disruption in many lessons and they were doing crowd control rather than teaching. I did ok, but in spite of school- I would have done do much better in a school that stretched me and encouraged a good work ethic.

her 2 best friends came to her and told her everyone in year 9 laughs at her

Good friends don't do this.

Do either of the other two girls want to so the speech instead? I reckon they are jealous and want to bring her down a peg or two. What's next? Telling her not to do so well in exams as no one likes a clever girl?

I would Strongly encourage her to do it. You can't hide your smarts away just because her fellow pupils are acting like morons.

*her 2 best friends came to her and told her everyone in year 9 laughs at her

Good friends don't do this.*

You wouldn't think so ThreeLannisters but it happens and girls can be particularly vindictive whether they like you or not. I speak from my own experience and DDs.

I don't have a teenage daughter, but I do have a teenager and a daughter. If this happens to my daughter when she is DS1's age, I will tell her to
(a) definitely do the speech
(b) find some better friends.

I'd recommend Odd Girl Out, by Rachel Simmons, about the culture of relational aggression in women & girls (she isn't saying that men & boys don't do this, but her study was on women & girls).

Good friends don't do this.

I disagree. A friend should gently advise and point out how someone can help themselves. It's all in their manner, of course.

Unfortunately its standard secondary school stuff. You can't be intelligent, volunteer, or appear differently from anyone else. We have had that issue with a gifted mathematician who's now only predicted a 'B' at the highest because he put his friends first.

Talk about it with her. Emma Watson made a wonderful speech a few years ago when accepting an award for having achieved so much by being the one in class with her hand up whilst everyone was laughing at her. See if you can google it for inspiration. There was also another thread on here about what happened to all the cool people in school, not very much it would seem.

That was the advice my mother gave me Three. So I had no friends at all and I was picked on relentlessly. Super.